dealing with people that put you down

ellelit

hello, i was wondering how i deal with a "friend/co-worker" who seems to always find a way to put me down?

my friend and i used to work together, and when i finished school, she recommended me for a job at a new office she was at. i got the job, and she said, "great! now we can work out together!"

she's about 5'4 and 120 pounds, really fit etc. i'm 5'7 and at the time was about 305 pounds.

she practically forced me to sign up at her gym, a 2 year contract! and would be standing outside my office door right at 4:30 to go to the gym.

i hated the gym. yuck! i was very unfit, and she did not understand that i could not work out with the same intensity that she had. i would dread goign to the gym and would often make up excuses not to go. one day i told her that i didn't want to go, and her response was, "oh, i'm not surprised". even though it was probably an offhand remark it still had a big effect on me. shortly after that i stopped going to the gym. mainly because i dont want to go with her. (i dont drive and it is very far from my house, so the only way it is convenient to go is if i get a ride with her.)

well i have been doing not bad with my eating, but my exercise is on the low side. i mentioned that it's hard living in a rainy climate (vancouver) because it makes it hard to feel motivated to exercise. her response: "it doesn't matter if it's rainy or sunny, no matter what you're never going to be motivated". comments like this make me feel like ****. alot of the time she is very nice, and is personable enough, but every so often she gets a jab in there that makes me feel very low. so what should i do? should i try to disassociate myself from her? should i still be friends with her and try to be the bigger person and ignore her comments? or should i tell her that her comments hurt my feelings?

i know it's cliche, but people who have never been fat a second in their lives don't know how hard it is to even get up and come to work and try to put on a smile some days, let alone handle being put down by people just because they feel like it. any thoughts or comments would be great!

ellelit

hello, i was wondering how i deal with a "friend/co-worker" who seems to always find a way to put me down?

my friend and i used to work together, and when i finished school, she recommended me for a job at a new office she was at. i got the job, and she said, "great! now we can work out together!"

she's about 5'4 and 120 pounds, really fit etc. i'm 5'7 and at the time was about 305 pounds.

she practically forced me to sign up at her gym, a 2 year contract! and would be standing outside my office door right at 4:30 to go to the gym.

i hated the gym. yuck! i was very unfit, and she did not understand that i could not work out with the same intensity that she had. i would dread goign to the gym and would often make up excuses not to go. one day i told her that i didn't want to go, and her response was, "oh, i'm not surprised". even though it was probably an offhand remark it still had a big effect on me. shortly after that i stopped going to the gym. mainly because i dont want to go with her. (i dont drive and it is very far from my house, so the only way it is convenient to go is if i get a ride with her.)

well i have been doing not bad with my eating, but my exercise is on the low side. i mentioned that it's hard living in a rainy climate (vancouver) because it makes it hard to feel motivated to exercise. her response: "it doesn't matter if it's rainy or sunny, no matter what you're never going to be motivated". comments like this make me feel like ****. alot of the time she is very nice, and is personable enough, but every so often she gets a jab in there that makes me feel very low. so what should i do? should i try to disassociate myself from her? should i still be friends with her and try to be the bigger person and ignore her comments? or should i tell her that her comments hurt my feelings?

i know it's cliche, but people who have never been fat a second in their lives don't know how hard it is to even get up and come to work and try to put on a smile some days, let alone handle being put down by people just because they feel like it. any thoughts or comments would be great!

Shannon023

You know elle, sometimes you have to weed the garden.

There's absolutely no reason to remain friends with someone who makes you feel bad. Being *****y & sarcastic is no way to motivate/support someone.

You do what you need to get yourself healthy without the snippy attitude from her.

Just my .02. :flowerforyou:

abbychelle07

"it doesn't matter if it's rainy or sunny, no matter what you're never going to be motivated".

This is NOT what a friend says to you. She is not encouraging, not understanding, and not that friendly!

Sometimes people think that if you are fat then you are lazy and glutenous. I know skinny people who eat way more and exercise a lot less than others, so that is not necessarily the case!

Anyway, this woman does not sound like a friend. I had a "friend" who took everything I said and spread it around to other people, put me down behind my back, etc.

I explained to her that we were different people than when we first became friends, and I hoped she wouldn't mind if we didn't get together anymore. I said my life was changing, I was becoming busy with other things, blah, blah. She didn't like it but I made the break. She probably bad-mouthed me for awhile, but I think she was doing that anyway!

Avoid this woman and slowly make the break, or tell her outright that you don't want to get together out of the office or for lunch. Either way, there are a ton of people on this website that will support you much better.

GTOgirl1969

Your "friend" sounds like the kind of person, no matter what you do, it won't be enough.
Just continue on improving your lifestyle in the way YOU see fit. If your friend continues with her crappy attitude, then distance yourself from her.

dulceluva

this is so unfortunate. She is trying to get you to become more active in all the wrong ways.

Just let go of this friendship.

msarro

You don't so much have to just let go, have you tried confronting her about your feelings? She seems overly enthusiastic to get you healthy so it seems like she has your best interests in mind - she just sucks at getting it across in a productive way. Let her know that what she's saying and doing is making things even worse for you. If she argues about it, then I'd say ditch her. If she is receptive, try coming up with some low intensity workouts to invite her to, like hiking or something like that.

Meriller

It's an unfortunate situation. The truth is, you probably hit the nail on the head with the fact that this "friend" has really never had to struggle to lose weight. It sounds like a pretty clear case of emotional immaturity. She may never understand what it's like from your perspective in regards to weight loss, but life has its own ways of teaching lessons to the inexperienced, if you know what I mean...

Maybe you need to explain that although you appreciate the "encouragement", that this is a journey you need to do for yourself, in your own way.

Whatever you decide, don't let her drain your emotional reserves anymore. Just try to let it be water off a duck's back.
Do it for yourself, no one else!
Good luck to you!

banks1850

you know, I have to agree with msarro on this one. Even though she's pretty bad at trying to get you to go with her, I'm sure a lot of it is her frustration, I bet she wants to share her workouts with you because she feels you would benefit from them. Is she expressing herself horribly? Yep, no question, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is doing it maliciously. If you talk to her about it, I'm sure you can work it out with her. Even if that means setting boundries like not talking about the gym with you in any capacity. If' she's really your friend, and not a petty person, she will listen, respect your feelings, and try to change the way she speaks to you. Of course, if she is closed to the idea, drop her like a stone!
Best luck to you!

-Banks

zeballo_1

Hey Elle, I think you are doing awesome! I agree with msarro as well, it sounds like your friend really cares about you (she helped you get the job working with you so makes me think she likes you). She probably just wants the best for you but doesn't know how to help because she has never been in the same situation. I had to learn better ways to motivate my children over the years, and they helped me by teaching me how what I was doing was hurting not helping. So maybe you can teach her too. Don't get discouraged. just take it one day at a time and do what works for you.:flowerforyou:

Smilineyes

Talk to her about it. I truly believe she has your best interest in mind, she just doesn't know how to communicate that she wants you healthy. If you talk to her and she still doesn't get it, then maybe it's time to find friends who understand. But what if she really means well? You have to confront her. Stand up for yourself Good luck!

Kels

Rachael2179

I agree with Banks and Msarro.....

GravyGurl

I agree with Banks and Msarro.....

yup Ditto.... Sometimes friends aren't able to communicate the way they want to. They think they are saying the right things but they really aren't, and don't realize they are going about it the wrong way. If it continues after you talk to them... then I would decide to not have the negativity in my life.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."
-Oprah Winfrey (1954 -)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

kerrilucko

I agree, dumping her as a friend isn't going to make either of you feel good. It sounds to me like she's trying to motivate you (alright, so she's doing a really bad job of it, but it sounds like that's what she thinks she's doing). You need to talk to her, tell her what you're working on foodwise. Ask her if she'd like to start walking with you in the evenings. Walking isn't intense cardio but it IS a good step and it is really enjoyable if you have a friend to do it with. Eventually you'll want to go back to the gym, and hopefully then the two of you can go together.

You're right, people who have always been thin/fit don't know what it's like to be obese. Excercise is HARD, and you don't need to feel bad about that, you just need to do your best.:flowerforyou: