From Success To Failure - My Continued Journey
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BrickFox
Posts: 61 Member
Fair warning. Long post ahead
This was me.
I was 6 months into a great relationship, and just starting my career in Law Enforcement. I was in peak physical condition, and the happiest I've ever felt. I spent my days teaching and training Jiu Jitsu, and enjoying the rest of my free time with my girlfriend and my kid (from a previous marriage). At the end of 2019, my relationship was elevated as I welcomed a new baby into my life, and became a dad for a second time. I couldn't be happier. It wasn't until the end of 2020, that my youngest began to have neurological problems, and after months of doctors appointments, he remained undiagnosed.
During that time, I had to take off of work to take care of him, using all the banked time off I could. I became depressed. No longer thinking about exercise, and eating anything and everything as a coping mechanism, I gained about 50lbs. I began to see a therapist, and take medication to help me get my anxiety and depression under control. Over 4 months of being home with my son, his undiagnosed condition seemed to disappear. It was a joyous feeling to know my son was doing better, and now I was able to go back to work.
Except, I dreaded it. My fears turned into reality, as when I returned to work, I was berated for my weight gain. Working in a jail, there is a good amount of bravado and "alpha-male-esque" attitude that goes on with the other officers, as well as the inmates housed there. After a few weeks of being there, I began to have severe anxiety attacks, to the point where I stayed out almost a whole month, and not even telling my fiancée that I was not going to work, by moving my car to anther street, and sneaking back into my house, hiding in the spare bedroom until she left for work. I spoke with my therapist eventually, and fixed my dosage to help deal with the anxiety.
When I returned to work, I slowly began to lose weight, and was getting back on track, and started training Jiu Jitsu again.
It was only a few weeks later, that I somehow contracted a really scary bacterial infection. I was put on antibiotics and steroids, and it sidelined me for almost a month. At this time, my job had brought formal internal charges against me for taking off with no banked time for me to use. I spoke with my union president, and assured him, I would be back on track once I got back to work.
Fast forward to Christmas time 2021, and my continued streak of bad luck smashes me in the face again. I contracted COVID. Everyone in my house had gotten it, but it stuck with me for the longest. I knew this was going to affect the case my job had against me, but I couldn't even get out of bed for 15 days or so, with one night being in the emergency room. I had come back to work, and felt determined to get back on track and bring my life back into my hands. At the end of January, I walked into work, and went to my bidded housing unit, where I was stopped by our internal affairs unit, and brought to an interview room.
They confiscated a bottle of Fabuloso from me, which on paper was not to be brought to work, but it was practice for all bidded officers for decades to bring their own cleaning supplies to their housing units, to keep the place from smelling like a zoo. They showed me a picture, and accused me of handing a white substance to multiple inmates on a particular day in the last month. The picture was of me handing the inmates ping pong balls, which I got from the recreation office on my lunch break, and was afforded to the units. They also showed me a picture of me handing an inmate a donut that I wasn't going to eat, and instead of throwing it away, I gave it to one of the workers, as an attaboy for the sun-up to sun-down floor stripping and waxing he was doing for the last week.
I was now suspended without pay, and awaited an arbitration date. I waited 2 months until my hearing, and my lawyer told me to fall on my sword, instead of mention that the cleaning supplies and the food are things that have always been past practice within the jail, and that has been done from Officers to Captains throughout the years. So I did just that. I fell on my sword, and was apologetic for not requesting permission before doing so. The Arbitrator is an independent worker, outside of the Correction system, and has no personal experience in the jails. At most, I thought I would lose 2 months of pay, and given a formal write-up. However, after a month of awaiting his decision, I was given the news that I was terminated. Career in the gutter. No longer allowed to work in any correctional facility, and being almost 40, no chance of becoming a police officer. My life-long dream was dead.
I spent the next week contemplating suicide. It was only the extreme love I have for my children that I did not take my own life. In the months of suspension, I had gained another 45lbs, after I had lost a bit, putting me up to 290lbs. I couldn't look my fiancée in the eyes, and I cried myself to sleep in another room, only to be woken up by night terrors.
For the last 6 months, I had used all of my savings to stay afloat, and spent the last 2 months looking for work. Two weeks ago, I secured a position in a juvenile detention facility, and have been working since. My bank account is in the negative, and my credit cards are maxed, but I am at least working again. Because of how the paychecks run, I probably won't see a paycheck for the next 4 weeks, and this is probably the roughest time financially I've had in over a decade.
But I'm motivated now. I see the sun shining, and I see my children's smiles. For that I am happy. My determination to overcome this hurdle has risen, and I am back to exercising, and eating right. In the last two weeks, I have gone from 290lbs to 276lbs.
This is me now. But it won't be for long.
This was me.
I was 6 months into a great relationship, and just starting my career in Law Enforcement. I was in peak physical condition, and the happiest I've ever felt. I spent my days teaching and training Jiu Jitsu, and enjoying the rest of my free time with my girlfriend and my kid (from a previous marriage). At the end of 2019, my relationship was elevated as I welcomed a new baby into my life, and became a dad for a second time. I couldn't be happier. It wasn't until the end of 2020, that my youngest began to have neurological problems, and after months of doctors appointments, he remained undiagnosed.
During that time, I had to take off of work to take care of him, using all the banked time off I could. I became depressed. No longer thinking about exercise, and eating anything and everything as a coping mechanism, I gained about 50lbs. I began to see a therapist, and take medication to help me get my anxiety and depression under control. Over 4 months of being home with my son, his undiagnosed condition seemed to disappear. It was a joyous feeling to know my son was doing better, and now I was able to go back to work.
Except, I dreaded it. My fears turned into reality, as when I returned to work, I was berated for my weight gain. Working in a jail, there is a good amount of bravado and "alpha-male-esque" attitude that goes on with the other officers, as well as the inmates housed there. After a few weeks of being there, I began to have severe anxiety attacks, to the point where I stayed out almost a whole month, and not even telling my fiancée that I was not going to work, by moving my car to anther street, and sneaking back into my house, hiding in the spare bedroom until she left for work. I spoke with my therapist eventually, and fixed my dosage to help deal with the anxiety.
When I returned to work, I slowly began to lose weight, and was getting back on track, and started training Jiu Jitsu again.
It was only a few weeks later, that I somehow contracted a really scary bacterial infection. I was put on antibiotics and steroids, and it sidelined me for almost a month. At this time, my job had brought formal internal charges against me for taking off with no banked time for me to use. I spoke with my union president, and assured him, I would be back on track once I got back to work.
Fast forward to Christmas time 2021, and my continued streak of bad luck smashes me in the face again. I contracted COVID. Everyone in my house had gotten it, but it stuck with me for the longest. I knew this was going to affect the case my job had against me, but I couldn't even get out of bed for 15 days or so, with one night being in the emergency room. I had come back to work, and felt determined to get back on track and bring my life back into my hands. At the end of January, I walked into work, and went to my bidded housing unit, where I was stopped by our internal affairs unit, and brought to an interview room.
They confiscated a bottle of Fabuloso from me, which on paper was not to be brought to work, but it was practice for all bidded officers for decades to bring their own cleaning supplies to their housing units, to keep the place from smelling like a zoo. They showed me a picture, and accused me of handing a white substance to multiple inmates on a particular day in the last month. The picture was of me handing the inmates ping pong balls, which I got from the recreation office on my lunch break, and was afforded to the units. They also showed me a picture of me handing an inmate a donut that I wasn't going to eat, and instead of throwing it away, I gave it to one of the workers, as an attaboy for the sun-up to sun-down floor stripping and waxing he was doing for the last week.
I was now suspended without pay, and awaited an arbitration date. I waited 2 months until my hearing, and my lawyer told me to fall on my sword, instead of mention that the cleaning supplies and the food are things that have always been past practice within the jail, and that has been done from Officers to Captains throughout the years. So I did just that. I fell on my sword, and was apologetic for not requesting permission before doing so. The Arbitrator is an independent worker, outside of the Correction system, and has no personal experience in the jails. At most, I thought I would lose 2 months of pay, and given a formal write-up. However, after a month of awaiting his decision, I was given the news that I was terminated. Career in the gutter. No longer allowed to work in any correctional facility, and being almost 40, no chance of becoming a police officer. My life-long dream was dead.
I spent the next week contemplating suicide. It was only the extreme love I have for my children that I did not take my own life. In the months of suspension, I had gained another 45lbs, after I had lost a bit, putting me up to 290lbs. I couldn't look my fiancée in the eyes, and I cried myself to sleep in another room, only to be woken up by night terrors.
For the last 6 months, I had used all of my savings to stay afloat, and spent the last 2 months looking for work. Two weeks ago, I secured a position in a juvenile detention facility, and have been working since. My bank account is in the negative, and my credit cards are maxed, but I am at least working again. Because of how the paychecks run, I probably won't see a paycheck for the next 4 weeks, and this is probably the roughest time financially I've had in over a decade.
But I'm motivated now. I see the sun shining, and I see my children's smiles. For that I am happy. My determination to overcome this hurdle has risen, and I am back to exercising, and eating right. In the last two weeks, I have gone from 290lbs to 276lbs.
This is me now. But it won't be for long.
13
Replies
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So glad you are feeling better, and were smart enough to recognize that you needed help and sought it. Good luck on your journey 👍🏻1
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My goodness! You definitely had the rough end of the stick! But as Carrie stated above, I'm glad you knew your need for help and sought it! Keep your head up! You got this!1
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I am married to a person who was a cop for almost 20 years - it is often an extremely toxic environment/career. I am happy for you that you have been able to find a new job, and I wish you the best.1
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You have got this!!! All that you have gone through didn’t destroy you… it made you stronger!1
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LEO here - I hate that you had such horrible experiences but it sounds like you are on the right track now!0
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So much of the battle is mental, you've made great progress already!1
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Hey Brick Fox, been a few weeks since your original post. Just wondering how you are doing?1
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Carriehelene wrote: »Hey Brick Fox, been a few weeks since your original post. Just wondering how you are doing?
Thank you for asking! I've been about two hours away from home, lodging at a hotel for the last week, and this next week, for a training academy for my job.
I have been consistent with eating in a deficit, and exercising. I found a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu academy up here, and have been going every day. My last day training will be Thursday, and when I get back home Friday, the plan is to get my self set up in a permanent training regimen, once I get my permanent work schedule.
My meals have been eggs, oatmeal and protein powder for breakfast, a chicken rice and beans meal for lunch, a protein shake or bar for preworkout, and a roll of sushi for dinner. Some nights I finish with a 100 calorie popcorn.3 -
Sounds like you’re doing well 😀.1
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My goodness, what a rough time you've had. Be kind to yourself for the weight you gained. We're always just doing the best we can with the tools we have available; I really believe that when we gain weight in tough times, it's because our brains are trying to take care of us the best they can in kind of a primeval way. The best tools to a caveman were probably food and rest, so that's what we gravitate to when we're trying to survive even in the modern world.1
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