Its going downhill (rant)

Dobbythefreelef

I have important exams coming up (i'm a medical student) and I have been consistently failing since last two years and I want to do great this time around. I know I am going to do great because I have been working really hard. But my calorie counting took a hit. I'm scared to check my weight bcs im scared I might have gained it all back. I didnt lose much anyways. I need comfort food during studying. And I know its an unhealthy habit and I look forward to addressing it, but right now I can't. I can either focus on studying or calorie counting. Otherwise I get too overwhelmed.
I probably haven't gained that much bcs I am stuck at a weight since years, it doesn't go up, it doesn't go down so I'm probably back there. But..
My sister started 10kgs higher than me and a recent update she gave me was that shes at my weight now. Infact shes probably lighter than me by now.
And I know thats not my business and I shouldn't compare my journey to hers. BUT
Shes 10 years older than me. When I was a teenager she was in early twenties and she weighed lighter than me. I always looked upto her. I always wanted to be like her and lose weight. She motivated me often and gave me tips (to the best of her knowledge then). But sometimes, when I couldn't resist unhealthy food, she went off on me about making unhealthy choices yada yada. Some of those events I was just a kid or a teenager.
I remember one of the times my dad was telling her off for losing an unhealthy amount of weight, and she got defensive and said *Do you want me to become like the other two?* (Referring to me and our other sister). That really hurt my feelings. But she didnt know I heard that, she probably wouldn't have said it if she knew i was around. But all the same.
Then she got pregnant, and a hectic job and she gained alot of weight. She couldn't fit in my clothes. We started to lose weight a few times together but life got in our way.
Then in the beginning of this year we were each doing out own thing. She was losing faster than me bcs she was intermittent fasting, and i didnt want to do IF bcs it aggrevates my Binge eating disorder. She jokes about it (eventhough it was light hearted and jokingly) but still it hurt my feelings. But I put it aside bcs i knew i was on my own journey and progressing, even if it was slowly.
But now, i know i cant get back to focusing on calories for another month.
And after my exams we have a family holiday planned. (She lives in another city, so we dont see each other except for family meet ups).
I'm dreading two things.
Firstly, I know she will be lighter than me by that time, and i think it will take me back to my teenage years. When I tried and tried and failed and failed to lose weight. And I still haven't progressed AT ALL. Because I know that any progress i have made has been reversed. I think it will convince me or remind me of i how i always fail to lose weight. And compared to my sister I will always be a failure.
Secondly, that she will boast about her success and eventhough it will be light hearted, I know i will feel like a failure because I didnt make any progress.
If i tell her to not say much, it will look like i am jealous. Although I am not. Im not jealous of her. I want her to be her healthies and happiest. But, I don't want to be reminded of my failures.
Also, im tired of my failures at losing weight. And it frustrates me that I cant do anything about it for a month. I tried to log for 2-3 days but it isnt working. Im overeating every single day (and not even logging it)

Dobbythefreelef

Also, i forgot to mention, that I started exercising (treadmill) and my knees started hurting 😭
And I think my knees are officially done because of all the extra weight they have been carrying for years.

Chef_Barbell

So much here...

First comparing yourself to your sister is going to set you up for disappointment... comparison is the thief of joy.
Secondly, toxic family is toxic... my mental health is the most important thing to me and if someone (family or otherwise) is damaging it, they get a warning then cut off. I know different priorities for different cultures and for some faaaammmmiillyyy is everything, unfortunately. 🙄
Thirdly, you say you can't calorie count and study at the same time. You have to prioritize what's important to you. And cut yourself some slack... medical school is no joke and be proud of your accomplishments. :flowerforyou:

csplatt

What if you DON’T weigh yourself but just get back on track? I have done that before. I wait weeks after readjusting my eating for the initial weigh in.

girlwithcurls2

csplatt wrote: »

What if you DON’T weigh yourself but just get back on track? I have done that before. I wait weeks after readjusting my eating for the initial weigh in.

^ This
I find it really discouraging to weigh myself because the weight I want to come off is low enough that it has to come off slowly, and I want it off as slowly as I can so that I don't derail myself when I hit my goal by thinking that my work is done. One trick I had the first time was that I just didn't weight myself. I logged my food (I know you said that you only stuck to it 2-3 days) and tried to keep in my calorie goal each day. You have to believe and trust the process to do this though.

Logging can seem tedious and time consuming, but really, once you get into the habit, it's not that bad. Especially if you can pre-log your meals. Sometimes I will log my next day's breakfast, lunch and snacks the night before (when I have more time) because I got everything ready, so I know exactly what it's going to be. I might even log as I get things ready. I'll put the lettuce in the salad bowl, weigh & log, TARE, add chicken, weigh & log, TARE, measure the salad dressing into it's little container, log...

First and foremost, try your best not to compare. I have 5 sisters. We're all in our 50s and 60s now. We have been compared to each other by our mother (and other female relatives) and we have compared ourselves our entire lives. I am the biggest one. It's ALWAYS been challenging, but even now, at middle age, I still have to remind myself that I'm only responsible for me. My health and my relationships are my responsibility. Also, I really want good relationships with my sisters as we age, so we often take food, calories, weight, diets, etc out of the conversation.

You're under an enormous amount of stress. Start by just taking care of your body. Thank it for getting up each day and doing its best for you. Your sister has her own struggles. Maybe weight isn't one of them, but chances are, she's got something else. When faced with a choice, make a good decision. Then make another. Try to make mostly good decisions each day. You've got this

pridesabtch

You unloaded a lot of baggage here. Childhood trauma, eating disorders, fear of failure just to name a few.

I'd suggest taking some time for yourself to meet with a therapist and really get down to the nitty gritty. Just being thin doesn't make you healthy or happy, but being happy can be the first step towards getting healthy.

AnnPT77

It's OK not to do everything all at once. Do the exam stuff now. Do the weight loss stuff later.

While working on the exam stuff, just try to get the best nutrition that seems achievable and practical for you, given resources available. You don't necessarily need to count it to get decent nutrition, just do the intuitive best you can manage. This is temporary.

When exams are over, take a deep breath, and invest your limited energy - all of us have limited energy - in something else . . . maybe calorie tracking, maybe exercise - any positive thing.

Give yourself a break. Perfection is not the standard. The best of the achievable, within a priority scheme, is more reasonable.

You have time. You don't have to fix everything all at once. Sequentially is fine.

It's going to be OK. It's going to work out. You'll achieve your goals. None of us achieve all of our goals simultaneously, unless some/most of those goals are trivial. You have big goals, and that's a great thing. Prioritize, and sequence them.

You'll get all the way there, in stages. It's fine.

Xellercin

I got obese in med school because there's just no room to take care of yourself. There were only really two types of people in my class, those who gained a ton of weight and those who ended up addicted to amphetamines.

I was much happier to be in the fat group.

Just get through school, do your best, and find yourself a good therapist who can help you with coping skills.

Once you graduate, I strongly recommend intensive weekly therapy. I held a major conference about physician burnout a few months ago and a common theme that kept coming up was that few docs ever addressed their stress trauma from their training, so they never developed the skills they need to fully adapt to professional stress.

You're under an inhuman amount of pressure right now, a totally unsustainable, brutal amount of pressure that people who have never done it can't understand, and the people who have done it try to normalize. Neither of which is very helpful.

As for your weight, what I did was I focused on just trying to maintain, just not gaining any further. That's all I had the bandwidth to do, and it helped me focus on whatever I *could* do for my health without the unnecessary pressure to lose weight. It really helped me, especially near the end of my training when I just didn't have anythjng left to give except get through it.