Feels like being gaslit by... everyone?

Bcohen1983

Hey all. I'm 5'8", started at 230 last September, now just under 170 and mid-to-high 20s bodyfat. I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go.

Within the past month or so, pretty much everyone I know is discouraging me from losing anymore weight. There have been comments that I'm "wasting away", "too skinny", even a couple of relatives who sat me down and sternly insisted that I "CAN NOT lose any more weight". I'm even getting comments like that from super fit friends, who you'd think would have a different perspective on the matter. Meanwhile, I still have a gut big enough to stick out over the waist of my pants, and by BMI I'm still about five pounds into the "Overweight" category, let alone down into the highest end of "normal weight".

It's messing with me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if everything I've seen and read is completely wrong, or if I have some kind of severe body dysmorphia issue... or if everyone I know is wrong or has some kind of motive for being unsupportive. You know the old saying "if everyone in the world is crazy, maybe it's you?" I'm pretty sure it's not me, but neither outcome is particularly reassuring.

Anyone else ever deal with something like this?

Chef_Barbell

Do you do any resistance training? And no people around me know better than to comment on my weight.

nanastaci2020

Have you had a checkup recently? Perhaps that is the best way to confirm if you are at a healthy weight now vs could/should lose more.

People who have known you all along may not be the best source.

Xerogs

I've gotten a few comments lately. I went from 237lbs to 202lbs and one of my overweight friends mentioned I am getting to skinny even though I am considered overweight. I also get a lot of people saying "they can never give up added sugar blah blah blah" when I explain my way of eating. I still have about 20 or so pounds left to lose to get to what I consider an ideal weight. I am concerned with body composition more so than the weight so I've incorporated resistance training 4-5 days a week.

So my advice would be to look at where your ideal weight is in terms of your body size and if you want to tone up then add in some resistance training. Needless to say you are going to have people comment on your body changes, they are used to seeing you one way and if they haven't seen you in a while it might be a bit of a shock seeing a healthier you. Never underestimate the "misery loves company" factor, sometimes people will try to derail your progress but that is more about them than you. At this point in history there are a lot more metabolically unhealthy and obese people around and its becoming normalized. Reversing that trend is a very visible change to everyone even those who are fit. People will try to sabotage your diet as well, I've learned to just ignore it and do my thing.

Being underweight or overweight comes with health consequences so finding that happy medium is where I plan to be no matter what anyone says. As far as belly fat...well its the first place I gain fat and the last place I lose it. Eventually it will flatten out since its already done so quite a bit. The only thing I will say not to do is lose weight to a point where you have muscle wasting. Building up some muscles will burn that stubborn fat otherwise your body will try to retain fat stores as if its in starvation mode.

richfoxusmc1965

Hello. Congratulations on you weight loss so far. Keep up the good work. As far as BMI goes, I would rely on that as a good judge of fitness as it doesn't take into muscle mass into consideration. If your clothes fit and you are happy, go from there.

ahoy_m8

Echo the kudos on how far you have come. Solid advice above.

A personal anecdote: DH lost weight last year from a few pounds in overweight BMI territory to the middle of normal BMI range. Actually he was a bit closer to the overweight end of the range.

Crazy but our own adult daughters expressed this concern about losing too much weight. And he was technically closer to overweight than underweight. His starting weight was not his highest weight ever, and the weight where they started squawking was not his lowest weight in recent years, either. He was annoyed. They were off base. I think sometimes people react to change (vs. absolute value), and sometimes they have a little of their own projection mixed in there.

@Chef_Barbell has a good point. If the concern, even if genuine and well meaning, is unwelcome to you, put up a clear boundary. Be polite, friendly and firm. FWIW, our daughters backed off when told his BMI was closer to overweight than underweight. Maybe part of it was they didn't want either of us asking about their BMI's

Hiawassee88

There is no body Switzerland. There is no body neutral. Not everyone has our best interests at heart. I can weed those out pretty quickly. Let them eat your dust, you will not be deterred.

I don't let other's opinions guide my life. I've immunized myself against negative criticism, backhanded compliments and fake compliments. It's simply the way others experience us. We don't need to open ourselves up to everyone who doesn't value our goals and hard work. You don't need to share anything about your weight loss or bodyfat. Free yourself from their opinions. No one has to live in our body.

SueInAz

People are used to seeing you the way you used to look. I have a few people who used to be very overweight that still shock me, years later, by how thin they look even though I know they're still technically overweight.

My advice would be a response that fits with how much information you're willing to share. Some combination of the below:

"Thank you for your concern but I'm just fine and you needn't worry."
"I understand my outward appearance has changed."
"My doctor is monitoring my weight loss and has no concerns."
"The BMI tables disagree with your visual assessment of my weight loss."

Find the phrase or combination that's most comfortable for you and repeat it verbatim in a conversational and unconcerned tone that doesn't invite further discussion every time they bring it up. They'll eventually get the hint.

Letsdothis749

Hard to tell.
Is there a medical reason they think you need to preserve weight? Or possibly the way you're losing weight?
It could depend on culture. If your family is from another one culture and you were raised bicultural, that can play a part. Some people value different body types than (for example) the majority of US medical workers.
Do they tend to give backhanded compliments when they mean them to be compliments? Some of them might have meant it possitively.

They could be intimidated.
It might be a sort-of optical illusion because they see your weight decreasing.
Maybe it relates to the speed that you lost weight initially, if that was rapid.

It also might relate to whether you're shoulders and hips are wide and how well your skin has caught up with your weight loss.

And pretty sure the world is crazy. Everything depends on who has power. Who is right doesn't generally win out unless they overlap.

88olds

Weight loss is pretty much a solitary pursuit. It’s your life, body, plan. Pay others no mind.
It’s noise. Don’t get me wrong, tuning out weight loss and fitness noise can be tough. But unless you asked for their advice, it’s noise.

I was so fat I was killing myself. No one ever spoke up about that, but as soon as my weight loss could be seen it became a topic. People are strange. Keep going.

IAmTheGlue

What does your doctor say? I’m assuming you mean friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers are judging your body against their own. Some people will literally be sabotaging you…. be a duck and let it roll right off your back.

Seriously, ask your doctor what they think and ignore everyone else.

I saw this news excerpt, like they were showing a shopping center and a bunch of overweight/obese people and I immediately had thought it was a piece on obesity or a new diet… but it was a piece unrelated to those topics. People are just overweight as a baseline…my point is that their vision of healthy body size is off.

People do not like change. They want the old you. They will have to accept the new you.

AnnPT77

I predict it's some combination of shock at the change in you, plus the fact that it's relatively rare (at least IME) to see successful let alone moderately fast and successful weight loss in anyone . . . plus the fact that the average person is overweight (or obese) these days so pudgy looks "normal", and a healthy weight looks "skinny".

Their remarks aren't really about you, they're about the commenter's distorted perceptions.

Suggestion: Find a way to set a boundary, then let it roll off, i.e., don't worry about it.

There were some good boundary setting ideas above. Personally, I liked "I've discussed my weight loss plans with my doctor, and he's fine with them" (which was true).

I'm now 6+ years past losing from class 1 obese to a healthy weight (120s pounds for a 5'5" woman, so BMI 21-ish area, not radically thin). At first, I got the comments you're talking about, and they started around the same point: Still in the overweight BMI range. Now, people have gotten used to me looking like I look now. My appearance has become "just me" to those around me, no longer remarkable, so they no longer remark on it.

I asked one usually-rational, honest friend - who had worried aloud that I was becoming anorexic at one point, when I was eating 2000+ calories most days! - if she still thought I looked too thin. She didn't. I asked why she'd thought I looked too thin, at first. She wavered between shock and jealousy as possible explanations.

I don't know about you, but I do think that in the latter phases of loss, after I'd been at it for a while, I looked a little drawn or haggard: Probably some combination of loose skin at that point that hadn't had time to shrink yet (especial the facial part), and the visible stress of months of weight loss. That haggard/drawn appearance resolved within a couple of months at goal weight, eating maintenance calories.

Other people aren't "gaslighting" you. Like I said, it's not really about you, it's about them. They're lost in their own misperceptions. Don't let it get to you. Be you. You're good at it - better at it than anyone else in the whole entire world is at being you. 😉

gceinca

I totally agree with the folks who mention that people's perception of "normal weight" and "overweight" is skewed because most adults, (Americans, at least) are, in fact, overweight. So overweight is seen as "normal". Keep in touch with your doctor and ignore everyone else!

Bcohen1983

Sorry, didn't mean to post and disappear. To answer some of the questions: I'm doing a lot of running and hiking, but not weight-lifting just yet. I intend to start in a few months, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I haven't been back to the doctor yet but he was on board with my weight loss plan when I began last September, and so far things have been right on track. As far as immediate family goes, I don't think it's a cultural thing; if anything, they tend to be blunt and direct to a fault.

I think you're all probably right- the average American is significantly overweight. I would know, I was nearly 100 pounds overweight and didn't look much different from those around me. And for people who only see me every few weeks or months, the changes probably appear to be rapid and very noticeable. If you had only seen me last July and this July, you'd wonder if it was even the same person. On the other hand, this past weekend I had a friend tell me that they never thought I was "fat", even at my heaviest, because it's difficult to notice small changes over time. So, hopefully once I get to a relatively stable weight range, people will just get used to it. If not, that's their problem. :P

In any case, thanks for your kind words and support.

Jthanmyfitnesspal

I think that 90% of this is that people hate change, particularly in their friends and family.
I think your progress is inspiring!

In my 40s, I was healthy, chubby, and a bit burly. I lifted weights and did a lot of windsurfing, where the extra weight was helpful. I had, among other things, 1-2 beers every night. I ate whatever I wanted. As I got into my 50s, I had to contend with mild hypertension and other issues of aging. It was time to sober up and lose the weight. Yes, I wasn't the guy who always said "yes" to a beer anymore, and people reacted to that. I probably seemed a little less approachable and a little more serious, which I was. It's not a bad thing, but it's different!

In case it isn't obvious, you get to choose your own goals, habits, clothes, etc. Some people may not want you to change, but that's their problem. Major weight loss is about moving forward in your life, anyway.