A little bit of paranoia

driope

So, I'm down to 75 kilos. It happened a couple of times before, but this is as low as I get. And I fear that the problem is in my my mind.
I was a chubby kid and an obese young woman. The bigger number I rememeber on the scale has been 106, when I fully realized how unhealthy I was and decided to do something, something for real.
But now I feel like I don't really want to lose more weight. Why? Because I'm starting to be - and feel - pretty.
I always remember my mother complaining about my weight, about my appetite. Nowaday I would call her verbally abusive, even if time changed us both and she doesn't makes me cry as she used to. Still, I never felt loved by her, and she was always ready to tell me how nobody in the world will ever love me because I'm fat.
So I ended up believing it. And I still believe it deep down: I don't date, I don't really make new friends (I'm 35), I've been in a new office for about 18 months now and I don't know the name of 3/4 of the people around me. I'm not a people person.
The bottom line is: what if I get slimmer and nobody likes me anyway? My fat is my way to filter the world outside, and I don't know if I really want to loose it.

leslisa

Well, sweetie, if you get skinny and nobody loves you, that would totally suck because you should love you. Every freaking day you should look in the mirror and tell yourself that you like yourself. That you are beautiful. That you are worthy.

I came from an abusive home. It pretty much sucks royally. I went the opposite of you and was anorexic for long enough I had a heart attack at 35. (even after you get healthy the heart is weaker). Don't expect it to happen overnight. It's not going to. It takes time and sometimes it takes help. If you need help, a support group or a counselor, get it. Because it doesn't mean you're weak. It means that you know you are worth whatever it takes to make yourself happy and healthy!

Come up with some mantra that makes you believe in yourself and stick with it. Here's my mantra. "Life is an adventure, not a race. Do more. Feel more. Look for beauty. Find my limits by pushing them. I will not try to find myself (note: I really wouldn't have liked what I found I think). I will create myself. I will explore life and enjoy my story."

And if nobody else enjoys my story with me, that's OK. But you know, after a while people do enjoy your story. And by making your own story you get to pick your life. You get to dictate where you are going and what you are going to do. Maybe you want to help out a kid's group or learn to play guitar or ski nude (or maybe not 'cause that would be d*mn cold!!). The point is don't let life direct you. You direct your life. It's empowering and it makes you feel so much better about yourself. You would be so surprised.

And keep a diary. I did for a long, long time. If you are ashamed of what you write then don't read it. Just write and destroy it. I never read mine (I hated that I felt so stupid or out of control sometimes) but I never threw mine away. I always burned them. And I was always by myself when I did it. That smoke going up in the air was sort of letting go of the past if you will. I know that some folks also paper shred theirs. They shred every single page.

Hope something here helps. Stick with it, you got this!!

Hugs to you!!

bethannien

Well, sweetie, if you get skinny and nobody loves you, that would totally suck because you should love you. Every freaking day you should look in the mirror and tell yourself that you like yourself. That you are beautiful. That you are worthy.

I came from an abusive home. It pretty much sucks royally. I went the opposite of you and was anorexic for long enough I had a heart attack at 35. (even after you get healthy the heart is weaker). Don't expect it to happen overnight. It's not going to. It takes time and sometimes it takes help. If you need help, a support group or a counselor, get it. Because it doesn't mean you're weak. It means that you know you are worth whatever it takes to make yourself happy and healthy!

Come up with some mantra that makes you believe in yourself and stick with it. Here's my mantra. "Life is an adventure, not a race. Do more. Feel more. Look for beauty. Find my limits by pushing them. I will not try to find myself (note: I really wouldn't have liked what I found I think). I will create myself. I will explore life and enjoy my story."

And if nobody else enjoys my story with me, that's OK. But you know, after a while people do enjoy your story. And by making your own story you get to pick your life. You get to dictate where you are going and what you are going to do. Maybe you want to help out a kid's group or learn to play guitar or ski nude (or maybe not 'cause that would be d*mn cold!!). The point is don't let life direct you. You direct your life. It's empowering and it makes you feel so much better about yourself. You would be so surprised.

And keep a diary. I did for a long, long time. If you are ashamed of what you write then don't read it. Just write and destroy it. I never read mine (I hated that I felt so stupid or out of control sometimes) but I never threw mine away. I always burned them. And I was always by myself when I did it. That smoke going up in the air was sort of letting go of the past if you will. I know that some folks also paper shred theirs. They shred every single page.

Hope something here helps. Stick with it, you got this!!

Hugs to you!!

^^^^^^^This a thousand times! You deserve to be happy. Do whatever you can to make that happen.