Helping me to find my appreciation for myself?

nay0m3

My weight loss journey and struggle has been a life long event--hating on my body, suffocating in comparing myself to others, not appreciating what my body offers, and forcing myself to try to lose weight almost constantly. I got to a low weight of 127 pounds as a 5'3" 42 year old woman and felt the best I ever have. Yet...I was still hating on myself for not being enough. I am now at 140, have been hovering here for the past several months and while I am far from being overweight and out of shape, I am not my best and I actually find I am longing to be back where I was before when I still wasn't good enough. Maybe I am here again to appreciate where I was before?

I know the weight itself doesn't matter, but it's the little roll I can feel over the waist of my pants, the fat settling on my hips, the insecurity I feel and the resurfacing of moments where I am embarrassed to be seen.

I have kept a diligent gym schedule but my nutrition has slipped. I am much more casual, which is nice in a way, but I also see this may not be something I can do all of the time, if I want to feel good in my skin.

I also started a medicine called fluoxetine to help me with PMDD which has gotten worse as I have aged (44 now) and I can't help but wonder if this medicine is making matters worse.

Just wanting to share as I could use some connections with others who understand and also some guidance on what to do. I have been lifting 4-5x per week and maybe I need to do more cardio? I have muscles, especially my legs are noticeably stronger since I have been eating more but how to get rid of the fat now? Nutrition nutrition nutrition. Sometimes my cravings feel unstoppable, especially around my cycle.

sollyn23l2

I'm sorry you're struggling. I just shut down all my other social media's because it was making me feel like crap, constantly comparing myself to everyone else. Remember, beauty standards are created by companies so that you will continue to buy products to fit the beauty standard. It's taken me a long time to fully grasp that. Everyone will have a different opinion on how you look. Screw all of them. Beauty really is only found on the inside, and none of us will ever fit the beauty standard society has set up for us. It's designed that way.

AnnPT77

First, the logistics side of this: If you enjoy some type of cardio, doing it will increase your total calorie expenditure.

Whether you do more cardio or don't, the key to losing body fat at a reasonably observable pace is to get the calories you eat below the calories you spend. With - as I infer - relatively little fat to lose, and with some investment already made in getting more muscular and fitter generally, your best course IMO would be slow weight loss, maybe half a pound a week, but certainly no more than 0.5% of your current body weight per week (0.7 pounds).

For each half pound per week you want to lose, calorie intake about 250 daily below what you burn would be the approach. That's all based on statistical averages about calorie needs, so stick with it for a couple of months, then compare your average weekly loss over the whole time with your goal loss rate, and adjust intake if necessary. Compare weights at the same relative point in at least two different menstrual cycles. (Hormonal water-weight fluctuations can distort results; this approach limits the distortion.)

Because you clearly value fitness, it would be a good plan to get well-rounded nutrition, especially but not exclusively adequate protein. Enough healthy fats, and plenty of varied, colorful veggies/fruits for micros and fiber: That would be good. Keep the fitness you've gained! (Fast loss and undernutrition are the formula for declines in health, energy, and body composition.)

As far as what to do during cycle-induced appetite spikes: Some women eat at maintenance calories during the time they know that will be an issue. Yes, that slows down weight loss a little . . . but only in one sense. If some variation on that kind of strategy keeps you on a reasonable course for a longer period of time, it can actually shorten the calendar time it takes to reach weight goals (vs. letting those appetite spikes make you get discouraged and give up for longer time periods, maybe regain).

Overall, consider what strategies will make fat loss relatively easier for you, rather than trying to make it happen fast. The ideal thing is to figure out new, sustainable, happy habits - eating and activity - that will gradually take you to a good bodyweight, then keep you at a good weight long term, ideally permanently. (That's why I'd suggest asking yourself whether adding cardio would be a happy thing, or not.)

For cravings in general (not specifically cycle), consider which things you can consume in moderation and thereby blunt cravings, vs. things that you can't moderate without overconsuming. Also, for many of us, experimenting with different timings of eating, and/or different food choices, can lead to figuring out what best keeps us full and happy more of the time. That tends to be very individual. No need to fall for popular diet myths about what you should/shouldn't eat. If you're logging, you can figure out what works best for you, by reviewing your logs and thinking about what makes your appetite or cravings spike. (It can even be stress, low quality/quantity sleep, habit, boredom . . . .)

As long as you keep experimenting, keep working at fine-tuning what works best for you, you will succeed. If something you try doesn't work well, that's not "a failure", it's a thing learned that moves you along toward an eventual solution. Keep going, try something else. Drama about it (guilt, self-recrimination, whatever) . . . that's completely optional. It's a problem solving process, not an epic about good and evil, sin and expiation. Only giving up leads nowhere.

On the self-appreciation side, I'm sorry to say I don't have a lot of help or insight.

I do think about how my body - even when it was obese - let me do lots of fun and useful things . . . I don't know what I'd do without it, y'know? That puts some value on "preventive maintenance" so I can keep up feeling good for as many decades as possible.

I'm 66 now, got active in my mid-40s and became pretty fit, but didn't lose from obese to a healthy weight until I was 59-60. A lightbulb idea for me was what I just said: If I balance my current hedonistic impulses with recognition that future Ann would like to be strong, happy and have fun, too, I can maximize happiness for both current me and future me. I didn't realize up front how much better I'd feel (physically and psychologically) from being fitter, or from being at a healthy weight. Now that that's viscerally real to me, that becomes part of my reasons to stay active, and keep eating indulgences reasonable in that long-term context. What happens one rare day isn't a big deal: It's patterns and average over time that really matter for bodyweight and fitness.

No matter how you decide to move forward from here, I'm cheering for you to succeed!

timsethna

By chance have you looked into Lions Mane? It has really helped me a lot!!!! And I’ve been on Celexa for decades! I’m down to every third day and hoping to be off completely in another three weeks

tigrig

I can 100 percent empathize with you on not being happy no matter where you are physically. No matter how much I lean out or how muscular I get, I always see the 280lb guy I started out as. Body dysmorphia can be a *kitten*. Just set a goal and work hard on hitting it

nay0m3

@sollyn23l2 I have been off of Facebook for over 10 years now (best decision I ever made!) and have never been on Instagram or any others. I do participate in LinkedIn as I work in HR and it is helpful for connecting with others. I agree-our world is toxic and in general, we are not supporting others to be their best selves but constantly looking for ways to make them feel inadequate. Gabor Mate is a physician who has written a few books and has been doing a lot of podcasts lately. He talks about our culture, being similar to a culture in a petri dish, and our culture is toxic and thus it is no wonder so many people are suffering. THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts and struggles. It is helpful to know I am not alone. I know I have so much to be grateful for!

nay0m3

@AnnPT77 ANN! You are always such a grounding presence here and I am so grateful for your input and your kind ways.

I do absolutely love cardio! I always have! It helps me to clear my mind and I truly do love moving my body.

I did just start tracking again and to be honest, I think I need to get back to this so I can truly put myself in a calorie deficit. It is easy to fall into licks here, bites there and not realizing how much it all adds up. I definitely will go slowly as you suggest, Ann. I do have a hard time with the scale fluctuations and honestly, with a set number I “think” I “need” to be. I know this battle is emotional as much as physical!

Mmmmm I love the idea of “future Ann” and keeping her happy! What a great thought!!!

It’s a lifestyle, it’s a feeling, it’s a mindset. I am there. I just need to fine-tune as you say. AND stop with the self deprication. I am doing amazing. I weighed 167 at my highest about 5 years ago and I have kept most of that weight off and have really changed my life in general.

I go in waves with being plugged into myfitnesspal and I know I need the community support with like minded people who “get it” all….the dedication, the struggle, the laughs, the insights, the journey.

Grateful!

nay0m3

@timsethna I have never heard of Lion's Mane but I will check it out! I am proud of you for trying to wean yourself off of your meds if you feel you are in a place you are ready to do so. I am absolutely rooting for you!

nay0m3

@tigrig YES that is exactly the feeling! Body dysmorphia for sure. I wonder if it will ever go away! I do try to be conscious of it but there is definitely something there inside me that needs to be healed and that no amount of weight loss or muscle gain will heal.

tigrig

nay0meh wrote: »

@tigrig YES that is exactly the feeling! Body dysmorphia for sure. I wonder if it will ever go away! I do try to be conscious of it but there is definitely something there inside me that needs to be healed and that no amount of weight loss or muscle gain will heal.

Yeah for me I feel like if I can hit my goal and lean out then I'll finally be good enough. Problem is even of I got down to a 6 pack I'd still nitpick and find everything wrong. Probably need therapy but but for now I'll just use the gym to destress

crb426

Sometimes it really helps me to hop over to My Body Gallery (google it) and put in my current weight and height. It will show you photos of other real women with the same stats. Often when I feel like a giant blob I look and say to myself, well all of these women look just fine. Definitely not as bad as I imagine myself to look.

I'll also drop the weight on there as well so I can see my future self goals (helps me not to aim too low as well).

littlegreenparrot1

I have found it helpful to change the terms of reference and look at different measures of success.
Weight is one of them, but not the one I consider most important.

I am much more concerned with what my body can do. I'm trying to run a bit faster, lift a bit more, make sure I can still hike up lovely hills for many years to come. The numbers on the scale are only part of that picture.

So, have I met my training goals? eaten enough nutritious food to fuel it? enjoyed myself so that the stress and depression aren't creeping up? Yes - then we're all good.

As for not feeling good enough, its worth trying to pull that apart. Who is making me feel this way, and why? What are they trying to sell me? I am never going to look like some 19 year old fitness star on instagram, and that's fine. My weight does not determine whether or not I'm good or bad. That was true when I weighed more, and it will remain true.