I have failed myself

I feel so lost and depressed. I initially joined MFP over 4 years ago and lost 130lbs but in the last year, I have regained most of it after developing a binge eating habit that I had never even suffered from when I was at my heaviest (over 300lbs) and I am trying to find the strength within myself to do so again. I miss that determination I had before and am trying so hard to rediscover it. I realise it's all about discipline and routine and I am making at least some strides for the better so I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I need to love myself more, I realise that. I also know that I CAN do this since I already did do it. Time to push forward, I guess. I just feel so alone in the process :(


  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,427 Member
    Take heart. Calorie counting works and will work for you. If I’m reading your post right you’re still under your all time high. Congrats on the loss. Today is a new day.

    I didn’t decide that I loved my 285 lb self, what I decided was that I was entitled to basic human respect. And that the place to start getting it was with me. I wasn’t out to just lose lbs, I was out to improve myself and by doing so improve my life. It was a project that deserved my support. It took a lot of fiddling with the numbers, but I eventually had a plan that was working. But once I had the numbers right my plan still needed to be defended. I started to push back against negative thoughts that might trip me up. I couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. No one can. But I just didn’t sit by and let them wreck my effort.

    When my plan wasn’t working, I tried to figure out why and how to fix it. Weight loss is mostly problem solving and persistence. Weight loss is not about our character. Weight loss is a skill set. The skills can be learned and improved as needed.

    If for some reason you think you aren’t worthy of the life you want, post a response and I’ll argue the point right here. Within some reasonable limits you can have the life you want (no you can’t just go live in your neighbors house) but you have to take the lead to get it. Don’t wait. You can do this.
  • TheRedQueen1981
    TheRedQueen1981 Posts: 266 Member
    88olds, Thank you so much. It's very difficult sometimes to just step aside and be reasonable when all the emotion becomes overwhelming. Even when I know it's ultimately holding me back thinking in such a negative way.

    I feel like the determination has somehow escaped and I'm trying to find it but I am looking in the wrong place. I do still feel very low and discouraged but I am fighting those feelings so it's a start.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,427 Member
    Try to focus on things to do that support your plan and keep doing them. I exercise 6 days per week. But some days I catch myself dreading the idea of working out. So I make deals with myself like go to the gym but only do half my workout. I look on it as defending my habit. Just get there. If I just give into sitting home on the couch it will be that much easier to do that again tomorrow. Do you keep a food diary? Keep doing it. Do you plan menus? Do that. Do the behaviors that make up your plan and your feelings will follow. That’s the trouble with motivation, it comes and goes. We won’t get to goal only working when it feels good.

    And don’t forget this is the holiday season. Holiday blues are sneaky. Good luck.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
    Hi! I joined MFP in 2012 and lost 50 pounds, but gained back 25. I am now a diabetic...I take insulin and BP meds and cholesterol meds and neuropathy meds and meds meds and I want to get OFF the meds. So here I am again. Low carb is essential to me because of the diabetes and it's the best way I found to lose weight. It's not easy, I know. But the rewards are worth the effort. No one is perfect, least of all me. I need to exercise more but the neuropathy makes it tough. So I bought one of those mini trampolines and I jog on that to music. Just a few minutes to start and increase as time goes by. It's lots of fun and no stress on the knees.

    I hope things have started out well for you!
  • avatiach
    avatiach Posts: 289 Member
    One day at a time. Tackle one change at the time. And if you aren't already doing it, then you might consider if therapy would help you get the binge eating under control and help you feel better about yourself. Good luck!
  • MyBodModProject
    MyBodModProject Posts: 254 Member
    edited December 2022
    Hey Red Queen, please don’t give up! I am cheering for you!! We all are!
    I hope this is just a short-lived rough patch in motivation for you; we all go through these (as you already know). You have proven you are stronger than the flood of negative emotions four years ago. You can do it again.
    You are here, you are trying, you have done this before; these are all good things. Try one small improvement each day until your optimism returns, like one additional glass of water or 20 additional steps in a day. Even a tiny bit of progress is progress.
    Did I mention that we are cheering for you?!