Are your friends making you fat?
ninerbuff
Posts: 48,988 Member
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/food-thought/201208/are-your-friends-making-you-fat
I actually do believe that the friends you hang out with influence your eating habits. And if they aren't trying to control their weight, then you hanging with them on a Friday night or weekend will likely affect your own journey if you're trying to lose a lot of weight.
Now I'm not saying abandon your friends, but you do need to be more disciplined when around them.
Interestingly enough, when I personally stopped drinking and the friends I had before knew it, they stopped asking me to hang out with them when they wanted to get smashed. Mind you, I would have said no to drinking if with them, but they didn't invite me anymore because I was no more "fun" because I was sober with them.
Same thing could happen if you tell your friends no to eating a full plate of fettuccine dripping in sauce and choose to eat a lighter plate. They may feel embarrassed to eat in front of you anymore, and you may not be invited to go out and eat with them.
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I actually do believe that the friends you hang out with influence your eating habits. And if they aren't trying to control their weight, then you hanging with them on a Friday night or weekend will likely affect your own journey if you're trying to lose a lot of weight.
Now I'm not saying abandon your friends, but you do need to be more disciplined when around them.
Interestingly enough, when I personally stopped drinking and the friends I had before knew it, they stopped asking me to hang out with them when they wanted to get smashed. Mind you, I would have said no to drinking if with them, but they didn't invite me anymore because I was no more "fun" because I was sober with them.
Same thing could happen if you tell your friends no to eating a full plate of fettuccine dripping in sauce and choose to eat a lighter plate. They may feel embarrassed to eat in front of you anymore, and you may not be invited to go out and eat with them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 35+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Replies
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In my age group (mid70s-80s+) we are at an age where people just can't eat much (or drink much) so no, my friends make me feel like I overeat when I eat a sandwich and they nibble on half.3
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💯. I had the same experience.1
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@ninerbuff I've had friends who wanted to eat by proxy. Invite you out, and watch you eat all of the things. They eat all kinds of imaginary foods, live vicariously through the cooking shows, and actually pretend they're eating. They talk about food incessantly, cook up a storm, but never eat their own baked goods or cooking. Disordered eating and drinking can take all kinds of forms, and sneak right in there. You're correct, you can lose friends over food and drinks. It's uncomfortable having someone watch every bite you take. You know what they're thinking, too. Sometimes, you just have to walk away from that kind of obsessive behavior.
Did they want to make me fat? Ayup. I know so. No one gets to live in my body or eat through me, so bite me.2 -
I disagree. At the end of the day, what you ingest is on you. If you want to effect change, it requires diligence and consistency. Stop making excuses and blaming others. If someone doesn't like you being healthier, that's their problem, not your problem.
You can choose a healthier option at the restaurant. You can choose a healthier substitution. You can choose sauce on the side. You can choose to limit your alcohol. If at home, you can choose a smaller portion. etc. etc. I mean specifically wrt peer pressure here, not talking about personal addiction, that's different of course.
At Thanksgiving I find it ridiculous that we always end up with an average of almost one large dessert (enough for multiple people) per person. So much waste. But I'm not hosting, so I can't fault them leaving it out. I wouldn't leave out such temptations at home, but it's still on me if I choose to partake.5 -
Personal experience: friends were irrelevant. I was the only obese person among my friends, way way heavier than any of them.
Ironically, I'm sure some of them now wonder how I can be thin eating as much as I do.
My parents are obese though (each for different reasons). I think the mindset of my mom had way more influence on me before I 'saw the light' than any eating habits from my friends.3 -
A lot of my serious eating took place in secret or when I was alone. When it's Friday night and you're in college and your evening recreation of choice is to go to the all you can eat seafood buffet at the Westin by yourself and you take a book along, because you know you're going to be there a while, you can't claim that anyone but yourself is causing you to be fat.
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People in general are quite norm-driven, it seems to me. That is, we tend to want to behave in ways we believe are "normal". The people who surround us implicitly define what "normal" is . . . whether they pressure us or not.
I honestly didn't experience much of people pressuring me to eat more when I was losing weight. (I tried not to let my eating habits or the fact that I was trying to lose weight become a topic of conversation at all, ever.) The only case I can think of was a friend who made a mildly critical-seeming remark about how I didn't eat bread anymore (not true) when she saw me order veggie burgers a few times without the bun (buns not worth the calories, to me, so why order them?).
I was already hanging out with a bunch of recreational athletes and had for a long time while overweight/obese, though I had/have friends of other types, too - maybe that makes a difference. I don't have any friend groups where the whole/main basis of the relationship was eating/drinking.
In general, if my friends try to bully me into doing something I don't want to do, or bully me out of something I do want to do . . . I think I need better friends, honestly. That's not how actual friends act, in my view.2 -
Retroguy2000 wrote: »I disagree. At the end of the day, what you ingest is on you. If you want to effect change, it requires diligence and consistency. Stop making excuses and blaming others. If someone doesn't like you being healthier, that's their problem, not your problem.
You can choose a healthier option at the restaurant. You can choose a healthier substitution. You can choose sauce on the side. You can choose to limit your alcohol. If at home, you can choose a smaller portion. etc. etc. I mean specifically wrt peer pressure here, not talking about personal addiction, that's different of course.
At Thanksgiving I find it ridiculous that we always end up with an average of almost one large dessert (enough for multiple people) per person. So much waste. But I'm not hosting, so I can't fault them leaving it out. I wouldn't leave out such temptations at home, but it's still on me if I choose to partake.
Yes, what you choose to put in your mouth is on you, but we can make choices that make it easier or more difficult. If I'm an alcoholic, for example, and choose to go hang out at a bar.... are you going to be surprised if I drink too much?5 -
Beware the rain, beware the snow. Beware the friends you think you know. Those friends of mine would always want to go out for food. I would order off the menu and they wouldn't.
They wanted to watch me eat. I realized it was cuckoo bird behavior, but I didn't let them bully me into eating more than a normal person would.
Women know that women can be highly competitive. Weight, looks, clothes, boyfriends. Cuckoo birds. We grow UP and we look back. We can clearly see that we were all flawed in some way. We learn, let go and love them, anyway.2 -
It's not actually "blaming others". While you have control of what you eat, if you're around peers that aren't concerned, it's mentioned that "pressure" from them to let loose and it's "no big deal" can get some to just cave because they don't want to be incessantly nagged by them.Retroguy2000 wrote: »I disagree. At the end of the day, what you ingest is on you. If you want to effect change, it requires diligence and consistency. Stop making excuses and blaming others. If someone doesn't like you being healthier, that's their problem, not your problem.
Yes, but as I mentioned, sometimes if friends notice that you're not "in" with them on drinking and eating out what THEY WANT, they may not end up inviting you to go along anymore.You can choose a healthier option at the restaurant. You can choose a healthier substitution. You can choose sauce on the side. You can choose to limit your alcohol. If at home, you can choose a smaller portion. etc. etc. I mean specifically wrt peer pressure here, not talking about personal addiction, that's different of course.
I totally believe there are occassions to let loose. Because just one day isn't kill gains or losses. Being Filipino, I can attest that I don't cook a lot of our traditional foods because of the calories in them. But I'm not going to turn them down at a family party. I'll control how much I eat, but I'll be accountable for the calories overall. Extra working out and activity the next 2 days after.At Thanksgiving I find it ridiculous that we always end up with an average of almost one large dessert (enough for multiple people) per person. So much waste. But I'm not hosting, so I can't fault them leaving it out. I wouldn't leave out such temptations at home, but it's still on me if I choose to partake.
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On the flip side, I also had some friends (we're just acquaintances now) who became food snobs. Every time I would eat something "bad", they would lecture you on why you shouldn't be eating it. I invited them to a family party once so they could check out our cultural foods. They asked what was being served. After I told them, they requested if they could pack their own and just bring it with them. Lol, I told them, it's probably better they don't come because my relative would take it as an insult if you didn't eat the food they made. I don't go out with them anywhere now. Just see them in the gym.
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Wow niner sounds like you have had a rotten bunch of friends. Maybe be more picky in the furture.2
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They were fine at first, but then went on this health kick and became "organic" and "paleo" eaters. I got a glimpse of it after about a month of them doing it and them always talking about food and how bad food was from regular grocery stores, etc. Now it's just a passing hi and bye at the gym. Really haven't seen them much because they come mid day now and once school starts, I'll be back on a schedule that I'm not there when they are.Wow niner sounds like you have had a rotten bunch of friends. Maybe be more picky in the furture.
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Wow niner sounds like you have had a rotten bunch of friends. Maybe be more picky in the furture.
I think this is probably the crux of the matter. I’ve never had friends that cared what I ate or drank beyond “can I try a taste of that?” If your “friends” are pressuring you to only do what they want to do where they want to do it, maybe they aren’t actually your friends.4 -
Which is why some people trying to lose weight may need to associate with newer friends that have the same goals in mind. Anyone will tell you that just about any challenge is much easier to uptake if others around them are on the same path.Wow niner sounds like you have had a rotten bunch of friends. Maybe be more picky in the furture.
I think this is probably the crux of the matter. I’ve never had friends that cared what I ate or drank beyond “can I try a taste of that?” If your “friends” are pressuring you to only do what they want to do where they want to do it, maybe they aren’t actually your friends.
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I think you may be confusing "friends" with just people you hang out with. I have a few (very few) close friends, have had them for years, they are as important as family. Friends (as opposed to acquaintances) just would not behave the way you have been discussing, either in your youth when you went out partying or now in your carreer in fitness when you go out to eat.
But I do agree...ditch the acquaintances if you do not enjoy their company.
I think the need to be around others losing weight was the idea behind WW and other groups, works for some people if that is what they want.1 -
I'd think you may be surprised at how some friends of others do react when one of their's loses a lot of weight. While on the surface they may be "cheering" them on, in secret they are the one's that criticize them. I actually had this happen in one of my classes. A small group of female friends decided to lose weight together. After a few months, only one of the girls was losing to the point you could see a significant loss. One day I was prepping for class, when the one who lost the weight went to the restroom before class. The others then began to talk about her (I was within earshot), "Why is she wearing a sports bra?", "she thinks she's all that now", "she doesn't eat lunch with us anymore", were just some of the things I overheard before she returned.I think you may be confusing "friends" with just people you hang out with. I have a few (very few) close friends, have had them for years, they are as important as family. Friends (as opposed to acquaintances) just would not behave the way you have been discussing, either in your youth when you went out partying or now in your carreer in fitness when you go out to eat.
But I do agree...ditch the acquaintances if you do not enjoy their company.
I think the need to be around others losing weight was the idea behind WW and other groups, works for some people if that is what they want.
I believe that many people may react this way due to them not achieving the same results as their friend. No one wants to look at themselves as failures, so they may deflect. And I've personally witness friendships, and relationships break up because of the success of a person in weight loss.
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Hence my point about friends...this was just a group that gets together. A friend is someone you call in the middle of the night when your cat dies, or when you are on the way home from getting bad news at the doctor, or when your husband or significant other is a jerk or when you just gave the car keys to your kid the first time.
But yes, if you are hanging with shallow people that can suck.6 -
Interestingly enough, when I personally stopped drinking and the friends I had before knew it, they stopped asking me to hang out with them when they wanted to get smashed. Mind you, I would have said no to drinking if with them, but they didn't invite me anymore because I was no more "fun" because I was sober with them.
Same experience as a non-drinker. I've actually been told that I wasn't invited to certain events because "well, you don't drink..." like "what's the point in inviting you?" Note that I am not judgey or preachy about drinking but there are some women in the circle who are very hard drinkers and I think they fear being judged. Or, at the very least, having someone present who is stone cold sober and has a clear memory of their drunken antics.
Not sure the same would apply to food with this group as almost all of the women are perpetually dieting so there would be more empathy for restricting calories.
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On the flip side, I also had some friends (we're just acquaintances now) who became food snobs. Every time I would eat something "bad", they would lecture you on why you shouldn't be eating it. I invited them to a family party once so they could check out our cultural foods. They asked what was being served. After I told them, they requested if they could pack their own and just bring it with them. Lol, I told them, it's probably better they don't come because my relative would take it as an insult if you didn't eat the food they made. I don't go out with them anywhere now. Just see them in the gym.
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My mother and her brother and sister are all food snobs. My mother is less obnoxious about it, but my aunt and uncle will never miss an opportunity to lecture. My uncle was displeased once I got a smart phone and was able to push back in real time.
I'm vaguely remembering something funny about stone-ground whole wheat. And not just any wheat, or any mill stone. Surprise, surprise, his information came from the seller
I have plenty of food preferences myself, but I don't proselytize.1 -
`kshama2001 wrote: »On the flip side, I also had some friends (we're just acquaintances now) who became food snobs. Every time I would eat something "bad", they would lecture you on why you shouldn't be eating it. I invited them to a family party once so they could check out our cultural foods. They asked what was being served. After I told them, they requested if they could pack their own and just bring it with them. Lol, I told them, it's probably better they don't come because my relative would take it as an insult if you didn't eat the food they made. I don't go out with them anywhere now. Just see them in the gym.
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My mother and her brother and sister are all food snobs. My mother is less obnoxious about it, but my aunt and uncle will never miss an opportunity to lecture. My uncle was displeased once I got a smart phone and was able to push back in real time.
I'm vaguely remembering something funny about stone-ground whole wheat. And not just any wheat, or any mill stone. Surprise, surprise, his information came from the seller
I have plenty of food preferences myself, but I don't proselytize.
Proselytizing about food doesn't tend to convert anyone anyway, IME. It just provokes defensiveness, resistance, and sometimes fights.
The outcome people say they want from any given line of conversation doesn't always align well with their choice of conversational strategies, generally.
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Overall.. it is rude and boring to use food and drink as a topic of conversation when out with others. . That goes for trying to get a person on a diet to eat more. Or, a dieter blabbing on and on about their diet and what they can't eat ..turning attention on themselves.. And then there is the person anouncing they are not drinking while attending a drinking only event.
The best strategy is not annoncing a diet to anyone.. and do your thing.. order smart.. sip on a drink without announcing how much your abstaining.. and not draw attention ..because you can't control how other people react, and it can become a problem.
and also.. you can simply decline to attend an event where there are no options.
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Lol, except for parties, I rarely get invited to many events because I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, etc. which seem for many to be their escape from a stressful life. I have hardly any stress so I guess I can't relate to it. I used to drink long ago, but it was just a hard party life where I would do totally stupid things when I was drunk or high.elisa123gal wrote: »Overall.. it is rude and boring to use food and drink as a topic of conversation when out with others. . That goes for trying to get a person on a diet to eat more. Or, a dieter blabbing on and on about their diet and what they can't eat ..turning attention on themselves.. And then there is the person anouncing they are not drinking while attending a drinking only event.
The best strategy is not annoncing a diet to anyone.. and do your thing.. order smart.. sip on a drink without announcing how much your abstaining.. and not draw attention ..because you can't control how other people react, and it can become a problem.
and also.. you can simply decline to attend an event where there are no options.
Anyway, I spend a lot of time in the gym even on my off time either working out or just hanging out with some of my peers to kill time. Gym life is my life.
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I definitely have a few friends who I "social eat" with in ways that made me fatter. The good news is they never pressured me, it was always my choice but what made me fat was the feasting attitude that was infectious in the group setting. I never said no to an appetizer for the table, and watching them order an extra side made me want to do it too, sort of a "power of suggestion" thing, which again was completely my fault. And one particular friend would sort of sell me when he was cooking, in that "I'm having two, do you want one or two?" Or if we partied he made amazing hangover omelets, and it was the same thing "four eggs or six?" I would go for the bigger number just because it felt good and it became part of the dynamic. I also have one friend where our thing is to go to very unhealthy restaurants, the places where you can't sit down for under 1500 calories. You have to get the fried mozzarella sticks when you go there, right? It's just part of the experience. Or the garlic bread at that other place. Let's get double.
It's not a peer pressure thing, I'd call it social enabling. Fortunately for me there's no weird dynamics, my friends see what I'm doing and respect it, and it doesn't bother them either. Sorry to hear some of you have lost social activity over this kind of thing.4 -
I would take this with a grain of salt because it's in Psychology Today.1
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Opalescent_Topaz wrote: »I would take this with a grain of salt because it's in Psychology Today.
If you read the article you could see that there was backing by the "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE". It's not uncommon. If you see children who are really overweight or obese, the likelyhood is that their parents are too. Eating behaviors are NOT UNCOMMON to pass around amongst people close to each other.
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I think they are…
But I was realllyyyyy good today!
I had a high intake of alcohol previously…
Went to a BBQ today and everyone was drinking round me and I just said no…I’m on a diet,I’m sticking with it…and I’ll treat myself to a beer when I want to…
I also brought my own calorie deficit meals with me
didn’t eat no burgers or sausages…apart from one chicken skewer
It’s all about willpower and having the balls to say nope… 1
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