'You don't understand what it's like'

Yasmine91

Yes I do.

Ok, I've been very frustrated with something that my younger sister has said not to my face, but behind my back to a friend of ours.

Me and my sister are both overwieght. She more than I.

I'm just over 200lbs and she's about 260lbs, she's apple shaped, and I'm pear shaped. She's 5ft 7inch and I'm 5ft 8inch.

She's the type of person who is disgusted with her weight, it holds her back but she does nothing about it. She's lazy and blames her weight on everyone else but herself.

I try to encourage her but she always says 'easier said than done'. And will go and ***** about my lack of understanding, when she forgets that I was born weighing 13lbs and grew up my entire childhood obese and then grew into an overweight young adult.

True, I will not know what it's like to be overweight with most of my weight being on my gut, but none the less I know the pain.

I just get so frustrated with people who complain about their weight but do frig all about it and will take it out on others.

How do you encourage someone who's weight will eventually kill them?

Chadomaniac

How do you encourage someone who's weight will eventually kill them?

I tell them that they so fat they are going to have a heart attack and die . Iv personally been told this by a doctor when I was 14years old 200pounds+ at 4ft8 .

Reality must sink in ! the only way they will change is if they want to change !

LuckyStarrGal

Maybe you take small steps with her. Ask her to come for a walk with you that you don't enjoy going alone. Ask her to come over for dinner and make something healthy, show her that healthy eating can be tasty too. Get her more involved in your weight loss and better habits and don't make her the focus. Focus on you but show her the way. She's your sister, you wouldn't want to loose her, would you?

gigglybeth

I really don't think you can. There's nothing anyone could have said to me that would have made me lose weight at my heaviest. It had to come from me.

All you can do is be a good example and hope once she sees your success that she will want to follow suit.

I know your frustration though. My mom is substantially overweight and having health problems because of it. But she won't take the steps to make things better for herself. It's incredibly frustrating.

Iron_Lotus

As well intended as you may be if you tell anybody they need to lose weight it will be taken as an insult or attack. Nobody can make anybody else want to lose weight. Everyone has their time for some it will unfortunately be too late.

aquarabbit

That's a tough one. Most people have to make that choice on their own. Not everyone, but that's how it seemed to work for most of the people I know. Maybe doing things with food. Cook together and try to do different healthier variations of meals you and she love. But don't use the word "healthier". Say experimenting or something that sounds fun. I did that with my husband who hated "health foods". And cooking it himself made him want to try foods that he never wanted to try before. I found that getting to know food better and preparing it myself really opened my eyes to what I needed to do in order to lose weight. My relationship with it really changed after it because fun, rather than an enemy. As far as exercise, try to do something that isn't really exercise. Roller skating, canoeing, and ballet classes are the things that really got me back into exercise after I got control of my food. Now it's just part of my life. I can't say if any of this will work, since I don't know you sister, but I hope you get some ideas. Maybe she needs tough love, maybe she needs it to be gentle. You know her, so it's really up to you. As far as the talking behind the back, don't let it get to you. I would ignore it. She's probably just depressed and taking it out on someone else (sounds like you). I doubt bringing it up would make it better since it sounds like it's the situation she's upset with, not necessarily you. If you think she would stop if you asked her, go ahead though. Again, you know her best. Good luck though. Hopefully she'll see that you are trying to help her because you love her!

GingerLolita

Try to do it together! Most people will be more motivated if they have a partner. Since you're also trying to lose weight, maybe invite her to do healthy activities with you, like cook a healthy meal, go for a walk, or take an exercise class. It may be more effective to tell her that you need a partner to motivate you - that way she won't feel targeted or singled out, but she'll feel like she's helping you.

Also, try to educate her on the health risk she is at, which you can hopefully do without offending her. Apple-shaped overweight people are at the highest risk for weight-related health problems. I suggest reading about the Flat Belly Diet - it really gave me a lot of insight, although I am luckily pear-shaped like you.

damask1988

Oh goodness she sounds like a teenager.

The only way to approach this is to be non-confrontational about it, without even the slightest hint of sarcasm or anything self-defensive in your voice. Just don't even GO there.

The key thing, please please listen to this: lead by example, silently. Go about your stuff, NEVER talk to her about it or respond to any conversation from her about it, talk only about what YOU'RE doing, not her or what she should do (no teen likes to hear the words 'you should' or 'you shouldn't'---they are really badly expressed bossy commands and there are much better ways of getting people to do what you want them to do).

This is the only way to do it. Do it first, and don't talk about it. Let her come to you. I know you might want to have your say, but you've probably done it a few times and had it fall on deaf ears. So the time for talking is over.

I hope this makes sense and if you manage to do it, you'll have righted so many wrongs of my own stubbornness and stupidity back when I was a teenager who didn't know how to lose weight, didn't know how I had so much weight, and had no cognitive ability to sort myself out because I was too busy being upset about it and dealing with teenage years!

If you want some lit on this, read some books on negotiation skills, or for a first stop, Dale Carnegie's how to win friends and influence people.

I had no idea how to lose weight until MY sister did it. Then miraculously it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was like, Wait a freakin second, we have the same genes, that means I can actually do it and the only thing stopping me is me.

lsmsrbls

No, you don't know what it's like to be in her position. Obviously. You don't seem to be showing her any compassion.

She's right that it's easier said that done. It's nearly impossible to lose weight and keep it off for any meaningful amount of time. Almost everyone who tries to do so fails.

You should stop trying to encourage her. You may be trying to help but she obviously doesn't want your help. She knows you think she's fat and needs to lose weight. You don't need to keep reminding her -- that will only damage your relationship with her and make her feel bad about herself.

If she complains about her weight (and I would get tired of hearing about that, too), just tell her that since your previous conversations on the matter have never been productive, you'd rather not talk about it anymore. Tell her to let you know if she ever wants to exercise with you but that you aren't interested in hearing her complain anymore. And any time she brings it up after that, change the subject.

echofm1

I have to agree with the other people commenting on here. You can't make your sister do anything. She knows she's overweight, and she knows the hardships that comes with it. And trust me, there's a good chance that every doctor she's ever been to has given her the "You need to lose weight. There are all sorts of health benefits you'll get from losing weight." speech that doctors like to give. People can tell you things all day every day, but it just puts you on the defensive or makes you feel bad about yourself, which can lead to more overeating and less desire to lose the weight as odd as that sounds.

My situation was similar, though my sister really couldn't understand what it's like. She's always been athletic and thin, where as I've always been overweight. I knew her concern was more about caring for me than anything else, but it never really made me want to change. I would spend the summer with her while my parents traveled for work, and she would ban me from drinking pop and a few times she tried to get me to exercise with her or would take me on power walks. I even heard her talking to my brother one time wondering if I was overweight because I had a thyroid problem (like my mother did, and eventually my sister did. I don't, yet.). I look back now and see that she was trying to help me, but at the time it was just one more person telling me I was fat and ugly, though she never used those words. I wanted to lose weight, but not quite to the point where I wanted to actually do anything about it. I can look back on a lot of teenage journal entries where I promise myself that I'm going to start exercising because I want to lose weight so badly, but I still never did anything about it.

So do what you can, in ways that aren't pushy. Eat healthy meals with her, or invite her on walks where you two can talk. Maybe find something she likes and take her to that. I know my sister would take me swimming and that was about the only kind of exercise that never felt like exercise for me. But in the end, she has to hit her personal limit. Mine was going to the doctor and seeing a number on the scale that was just way beyond acceptable to me. It had to end, and no amount of telling me the health benefits (particularly when all my tests were in the normal range, including blood pressure and blood glucose) was going to get me to start being active. Maybe ask her why she wants to lose weight next time she complains and get her to explain what it is you don't understand, and offer to be a buddy if she really wants to. The motivation has to come from her though.