Vacation with Relatives Advice

HeyJudii

I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.

But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

spacetreemonkey

HeyJudii wrote: »

I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.

But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sorry to hear about your ed. I think you got some brilliant responses. I'll have to use some of the answers myself. Please don't be tempted to delete the thread.

cmriverside

ED or not...

That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.

I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.



I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.

sollyn23l2

HeyJudii wrote: »

I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I have an ED.
Addicts don't get to have, "just one drink". And people prone to binge eating, purging and starving themselves, don't get to have "just a little bite". It very quickly becomes a very slippery slope.

But I was just trying to keep it light and stick to my current concerns - the upcoming vacation, and didn't give enough details. Sorry for the confusion.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You absolutely have the right to eat however/whatever you want. This includes starving yourself, binging, and everything in between. From your family's pov, they are very likely concerned you are in a purge cycle, and are worried that this will lead to binging, then more purging. Maybe you are. I don't know, because I don't know you. But your family does know you. Unfortunately, the more defensive you become, the more convinced they will be that you are in a purge. Which makes sense, because that's what people in a purge do (I'm just watching what I eat, I already ate, leave me alone with my problematic food choices... etc. etc.) So, in the end, there's no easy answer.

HeyJudii

Note: My family knows nothing about the ED which developed after I had moved thousands of miles away.

herringboxes

cmriverside wrote: »

ED or not...

That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.

I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.



I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.

I didn’t hear any “worry” or “anxiety” described. I heard “control” and “toxicity.”

If anything, I would think the family behavior was on the causal side of the ED, rather than the effect.

pony4us

I hope that you have discussed your fears with your treatment team, they know you better than strangers on the internet. I hope you do enjoy this time with your family. I am 75 years old. My family was loud and scrappy. I would give anything to hear my mother and her sister fighting, and my grandmother telling them to cut it out...but the visits ended with hugs and love. They are all gone now. Treasure this time.

herringboxes

Pony, I think it’s lovely that you have such warm memories of your family. Not all families end up with hugs and love. For some it is quite the opposite. For such people, it is hard to hear that they should be “treasuring” putdowns, dismissals of bodily autonomy, and so on. If the OP generally feels safe with their family I am sure they will proceed accordingy. If they do not, advice to “treasure” unsafe family members plays right into the goals of toxic people.

kshama2001

herringboxes wrote: »

cmriverside wrote: »

ED or not...

That might help explain a little of your family's worries and comments, though. If they knew about your previous struggles they would understandably be a little overly anxious. Other people don't really know how to deal with addiction if they haven't gone through it. A little grace on your part will go a long way.

I learned that it isn't so much about what other people do or say in the end. It's about how I react. Take a beat, a breath, move on. Be the kind and generous daughter, ready to forgive. You'll come home happy that you controlled your own behavior - which is all any of us can do.

I loved "Dance Of Anger." She had some other "Dance Of" books I also read.

I didn’t hear any “worry” or “anxiety” described. I heard “control” and “toxicity.”

If anything, I would think the family behavior was on the causal side of the ED, rather than the effect.

herringboxes wrote: »

Pony, I think it’s lovely that you have such warm memories of your family. Not all families end up with hugs and love. For some it is quite the opposite. For such people, it is hard to hear that they should be “treasuring” putdowns, dismissals of bodily autonomy, and so on. If the OP generally feels safe with their family I am sure they will proceed accordingy. If they do not, advice to “treasure” unsafe family members plays right into the goals of toxic people.

As someone whose toxic family members last year ripped the scabs off of childhood wounds, I am really appreciating your comments on this thread.

paperpudding

I have no new advice for OP.

But I do find ' I am having x problem with my mother, child, husband etc' is really not helped by the 'be grateful you have a mother, child, husband' type response

DFW_Tom

The person with the fork in their hand is the only one who is in control of what they eat. All this other stuff about estrangement, toxic family, feeling safe - even finding reasons to be grateful are excuses that will only be a problem if you let it. The saying, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen," comes to mind. How each of us would deal with the wide spectrum of family dynamics is very individual. The OP needs to stop worrying so much and do what is best for them. Deal with the comments and pressure or just stay away. Follow your meal plan or take a break for a few days to ease potential tension.