Confidence & weightloss

IzzieDizzie93

So I've lost a fair bit of weight in the past couple of years.
But I still have no confidence/ self esteem regarding how I look...
Which is putting me down and making me question how people see/treat me.

Any tips to help build my self esteem again?
( I was picked on by my looks and weight at school when i was growing up)
I thought weightloss would help that go away but that's clearly not the case.
I'm always overthinking peoples interactions with me.

cmriverside

There's a saying I like:

When I was 20 I worried about what people thought of me.
When I was 40 I did not care what people thought of me
And at 60 I finally understood people aren't even thinking about me.


^^That's really a much more profound thought than it seems...and it's true. We're raised to have some manners and think about everyone else's feelings. Especially females, which it appears you are. That backfires into insecurity in early adulthood. Listening to everyone. Being aware to not hurt people. Being helpful. There's a balance. That's what happens in middle adulthood. For me, I was exhausted trying to please The World by age 25. By 30 I was divorced and not speaking to my mother. Those were both very good things for me.

I grew up. I learned to please myself and as long as I was following my OWN moral compass, I was happy.

Now I'm past 60. I long ago realized that #1. People are busy in their own heads and lives and don't even notice me. If they do notice me, they quickly go back to thinking of themselves. #2. If they say something negative about me, that's about THEM and their own insecurities and issues. #3. I'm not able to control what other people think or do. #4. When I don't judge others, I'm much happier.

I think you look very good in both your pictures.

Enjoy being young! It's hard and wonderful and it passes quickly and you'll look back on this time with fond memories and a little bit of painful ones. Such is life.

mndamon

cmriverside wrote: »

When I was 20 I worried about what people thought of me.
When I was 40 I did not care what people thought of me
And at 60 I finally understood people aren't even thinking about me.

First I've ever seen this, I love it.

AnnPT77

As a woman of similar age to Riverside, I support what she's saying. It does get easier, because experience creates a different perspective. But I'm betting you'd like not to wait until your 60s to feel good about yourself. :flowerforyou:

Like her, I think you look good in both your photos, but visibly more toned and strong in your more recent pic. Your work is paying off!

Is there a way you can shift focus a little bit, from your appearance to your accomplishments (because you've accomplished a lot)?

In many developed world cultures, women are even more likely than others to be seen AS our appearance, not as our total selves: Skills, accomplishments, contributions, character, and more. (I fear men are heading down that track more and more, too.)

It's not surprising to me at all that you had hoped that a dramatic change in appearance (which you've achieved) would by itself change self esteem. Part of the issue for us, I think, that some of our cultural conditioning has led us to equate self-valuing (or valuing of others) with appearance. If anything, I think it runs the other way: Increasing self-esteem can increase the likelihood that we invest in ourselves, invest in self-improvement in all ways. (Then that can become a positive cycle, of increasing accomplishments driving increased self-esteem, which motivates us to reach for new goals.)

I think part of the perspective that experience brings is that (speaking for myself), I realize that I value others in my life for reasons that have zero to do with how they look. Valuing people mainly for how they look would be shallow of me, wouldn't it? I can't speak for everyone, but what makes my mature self value people is things like the example they set for me, of how much a human can do, for themselves, family, others . . . the doing and being, not the visuals of appearance. Friends, it's more complicated, because I do notice that they do things for me (selfishly!), but also I appreciate and enjoy the deeper web that grows between us as we mutually help and support each other. But that's all just me.

Working on ourselves - things like self-esteem - is hard work, in its way. There's a tendency to discount our own accomplishments. ("If I can do it, anyone could, not a big deal". But an honest look around reveals that, realistically, not everyone does do it, even if they claim they want to - whatever "it" is.)

I'm not a big fan of self-help books and such, but this is a realm where some of that can be a thing to explore. Beyond that, there should be no stigma in looking for more personalized counseling. We hire a plumber for their knowledge and expertise when there's a problem with our pipes or water. It should be no different to utilize someone who's an expert in thought patterns, if that's where we have a thorny problem that's limiting our quality of life. (Yes, I have done that myself, though the context was not specifically a self-esteem issue.)

I hope and believe you can work your way through this, but I know it isn't easy. I wish you good outcomes on that front!

cmriverside

LOL Ann.

People weren't thinking about me nearly as much as my over-inflated ego would have had me think in my twenties, so I learned The Lesson pretty young - like I said, 25-ish, so I was by no means saying that only the old are wise. It's just a saying.

I read a bunch of self-help books and tried a little counseling too. My "enlightenment" came sort of all-at-once. I was sick and tired of trying to be what others suggested I needed to be (to them.) It's very freeing to give that up!

Lietchi

I lost about 75lbs in total. But my confidence started increasing as soon as I started losing weight. Not because I looked better necessarily (hardly noticeable at first, and even now I'm no supermodel), but because of what I was accomplishing.
Currently, I think my increased confidence is 50% being lighter (esthetically) and 50% from what I've achieved losing weight (consistency) and becoming that much more active.

Self confidence is a tricky thing, it doesn't necessarily follow reality. Good advice above!

IzzieDizzie93

Thank You all,
Honestly it's helpful, I'll definitely use those words to just help improve my mindset.

Accomplishment wise, I haven't had anything crazy happen and maybe that's where this doubt is coming from? I need to find a hobby (which doesn't involve gym or children!) And focus on it.

Build my own self worth and then not caring as much about what other people think.

AnnPT77

@IzzieDizzie93: What you've achieved already in the gym absolutely is an accomplishment! (Raising good kids isn't small potatoes, either. Not everyone does it adequately, even, unfortunately.)

littlegreenparrot1

My top tip is to find a slightly over ambitious fitness goal, a really fun one. A beautiful but tough trail run, an adventure race, or an obstacle race (don't be intimidated, most people aren't racing and are just having a laugh), a long hike up a mountain, whatever.

The important things are it will require work, but you are not completely sure you can do it, when you tell people they look at you like your nuts

Work out the training plan, stick to it, then be astonished at how much you progress - the confidence from that is great. Do the event, struggle a bit and amaze yourself by completing it anyway. Because you are capable of more than you believe.

When you achieve it the confidence boost is amazing. I may be heavier than I could be, but I'm a flipping Amazon and can kick the *kitten* of whatever I choose to do. I have a lot more faith in my own abilities and value, other people can get on board or get lost.