HELP. I Went Too Far, I Lost Myself.

JoseRan_

Hello! I have sort of different story. It all happened too fast in a short period of time and everything has changed. I know this is a bit long, but if you have the time to help me out, I would highly appreciate it. Thanks.

I began my journey this January 2013. I had no clue what I was doing but restricted myself to extremes. I was a bit overweight and although I understood the concept of calories, I didn't think about meeting a goal. I just ate by the calories without considering how many I needed... get it? So I would only consume meals that were less than 300. Now I realize I was only eating around 900-1000. I felt fine, pretty healthy. I started the workout program INSANITY: Asylum, which was super intense. Above that I spent half of my time in winter guard (dance type of sport) rehearsals. Probably around 6 hours a day. So I was burning way WAY more than I was consuming. I didn't realize it until now.

After I lost the weight (in 2 months) I kept going. People worried for me because I was pale and had absolutely no fat or muscle. I've been told that people who didn't know me thought I was anorexic. I felt fine, until I developed gastritis from it. I hit this point where for some reason began overeating. It really scared me. Turns out it was because of the gastritis. After medication I went back to restricting myself because I had gained close to 10lbs. I lost the weight and went back to my "anorexic" look. I feels to me that to be healthy YOU HAVE TO restrict yourself. That is the only way to achieve a healthy lifestyle. Anyways, over the past month I noticed I've developed some type of eating disorder. I t started with what is considered "orthorexia nervosa". Eating unhealthy and what are considered "bad foods" scare me. I was taken to a nutritionist. Just as expected I had malnutrition. I tried sticking to the doctor's diet plan but it was way too much food (in my opinion). I was only consuming around 1,500 calories where I should be at 2,000. He made me take it to 2,200. It felt too much and noticed some fat forming around my waist. I also went to a psychologist. It kind of helped but not as much. Then came the second and worst thing I've ever encountered...

BINGE EATING. I'm not sure how this came, but I began binge eating like a maniac. When no one was inside the house, it was ALL I did. This is a bit more recent. My last binge was last weekend. It mostly happens during the weekends when I visit my parents (I'm a senior college student). My dad loves snacks so I binged on cookies, ice cream, sugary cereals, crap that I never ate - even when I was overweight! When I'm in my apartment I usually binge on things like peanut butter, cereals, yogurt, crackers, more on the healthy side. Still, binge eating is binge eating and I was consuming way too many calories. I finally said to myself, not anymore. I've been doing extremely well this week especially because I've been going to the gym, instead of intense cardio, and eating more protein. My calorie intake is still at 1,600, but only because I want to lose the excess fat around my lower stomach. I feel good and as much as I love the foods I eat, I'm afraid I won't ever enjoy the foods I used to eat. I go to restaurants and immediately pull out MFP to see which meal has the lowest calories. I usually stick to soups and salads. I go to the campus food court and see how people eat Panda Express, Papa John's, Burger King, and I think to myself, "why can't that be me!". I love pizza but I can't have it without feeling guilty. It's enriched flour, fatty cheese, high calorie meets and covered in grease. I love Panda Express but I can't help thinking about amount of calories and the fried chicken pieces covered in unknown sauces. Everyone seems to happy eating it, obviously because it tastes amazing! But no one worries about the damage it does. Even the super fit frat dudes eat that stuff!! It drives me insane! Will I ever be able to eat a good burger in peace without thinking calories calories CALORIES!!! I love love love Sweet Tomatoes (the salad bar buffet) until I realized I was eating too much. I stopped going. It was a place I treated myself every Friday after class. Now I don't eat out AT ALL, unless it's Subway or side salads. Why is this happening to me? Will it ever go away??

When I first started this journey I said to myself, "once I get there, I will enjoy life a lot more". Honestly, I don't. Yeah it's fun to shop for clothes, but there's more to that. I am not enjoying company because of food, I stress about what I'm going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner tomorrow including in between snacks. I get anxiety when I'm about to eat unhealthy. I'm at the cash register about to pay for a chocolate bar when right before it gets scanned, I grab it and put it back. I'm torturing myself and don't know what to do.

This all has been happening within the last 7 months. I know this is a long story, but I just wanted to get it out there. Maybe someone has been through the same thing. Thank you for reading

MeenaKeepRunning

Hi there
So, this is probably really not what you want to hear, but you have an eating disorder (one that is fast becoming very serious). I don't say this because of whatever you might weigh or look like, or even merely due to your calorie consumption- but rather what sounds like severe body dysmorphia, genuine fear of gaining weight (you were told to gain some for medical reasons and it sounds like right after you did you freaked out and starting restricting more), and your general stress and anxiety surrounding food.
A lot of people who have eating disorders make up excuses or think its somehow impossible that they have one. Whether its because you relate the label with an extreme that you don't feel you've reached yet, or because having an eating disorder would mean you are out of control (eating disorders are often about a false sense of control), you'll probably make quite a few excuses to yourself. Which is natural, but I encourage you to come to terms with what is going on and seek help before you really screw up your body and your mind entirely.
As you say, you have become focused on calories and not on nutrition. Chances are that in limiting your diet you have cut out a lot of necassary nutrients your body needs. You have also become estranged from your body's natural messages- when some one who restricts for a long time starts to eat, the body's natural response is to binge, and to build reserve fat stores because the rest of the time it has been starved. You forget how to eat through responsive hunger (the body is fairly intelligent, and will tell you how much food you need. Often when we under or overeat we ignore those signals, or we confuse the body by eating things like high refined sugars which cause cravings. If you eat sugar- which you will probably crave after restriction due to it being a fast kick of energy- you'll be in trouble because the body will desperately want more, thus leading to a binge). Over time, this cycle can destroy your metabolism, leave you malnourished and probably with more health problems and poor coping mechanisms than before. We are unfortunate in that we live in a society in which skinny (except in the very extreme, and even sometimes then) is still praised and linked with being healthy. In truth, you're not only destroying your body but making your life miserable.
I'm not telling you this to scare you, but because I've been through it (severe restriction, binging, purging, over exercise- you name it, I've done it) and I really lost whole years of my life feeling miserable. The damage both mentally and physically takes longer to repair the longer you leave it. Luckily I was able to enter treatment before I destroyed my whole life, but I know not everyone is so fortunate. (There also seems to be this massive stigma even in the medical world concerning men and eating disorders. I can't believe that your doctor/ nutritionist never thought to give you more help for the issue considering your level of resrtiction and high fear/anxiety around food! Yet sadly I know this is the case for many people. Being told to just eat more is really so not helpful.)
As I was often told during treatment, the eating habits are often a symptom of the real problem. You say this happened over the last seven months or so, but possibly the issues go back further. So I must ask:
What was your relationship with food like when you were a little overweight? What were your motivations for weight loss? What was going on (not food related, but personally) around the time you started restricting? What kind of thoughts do you have when you feel like eating? How in control of your life do you/ did you feel before all this happened? Has that changed? Outside of your eating, what kind of goals do you have right now?
I hope you don't mind me asking all this, and I more than understand if you don't want to reply. However if you do want to, you can always inbox me privately on here and I'll be more than happy to listen or give you any advice I can or tell you about my own experience. In the meantime I would really recommend 1) looking more at nutrition, but NOT with a perfectionistic eye as you will be tempted to do. Try to understand more about how the body digests food, and how nutrients are processed... 2) My guess is you may have cut or restricted carbohydrates, and you'll need to replace these in your diet and prioritise them alongside protien, fibre and good forms of fat. The carbohydrates (in the form of wholewheat breads, rice and pasta preferably) will be essential in stopping the binging because they will provide you with slow releasing fuel. 3) MOST IMPORTANTLY find a doctor or counsellor to talk to. You might think it's all about your eating, but its not. Food has become an emotional crutch and its vital to understand what injury that crutch is supporting. You can follow all the practical advice in the world, but more likely than not, if you feel fear and stress surrounding food, its coming from something. Find the root causes and the problems with food will go.
As I said, feel free to contact me. I really hope that you get better, I know what its like living with the stress and fear day after day- exhausting. All the best luck xx

Pinkgingham_19

i could have written this myself. I was just telling my boyfriend last night how looking at the happy people in restaurants bums me out. I don't go out to eat and I get severe anxiety when I have to eat foods that I can't weigh and log so I cook everything myself from scratch. I don't enjoy anything anymore because I'm always worrying about what kind of foods will be there. I have no advice, just want to follow along and see what other people have to say.

stealthq

Have to agree, this is a psychological issue and you really need to talk to someone to get over this fear of eating over your calories and/or gaining weight.

My calorie limit is the same as yours in my diary, except I try to stay around 1450. I'm short, I'm middle aged, I've got a desk job, and I'm a healthy weight, which is why my limit is so low. My deficit ends up being pretty small, too, *sigh*. I'm still wanting to lose some lower belly fat like you. I'm telling you this so you know I'm in a similar situation calorie-wise and body composition-wise.

Now listen closely, this is the important part. I eat out every weekend. I eat at Taco Bell for lunch pretty regularly. I eat at Subway, Grimaldi's (Mmm pizza), Baskin Robbins, Cheesecake Factory, On the Border, and others. I stay in my limit for the week. I can count the times I've gone over my limit for the day in the last three months on the fingers of one hand. Hell, I'm currently baking my way through a new Vintage Cakes cookbook I bought and am having a slice of cake nearly every night.

I'm not saying this because I'm amazing. I'm saying this because I'm nothing particularly special and it isn't terribly difficult to find food that fits in your macros at those types of places, or to eat half of the entree and THAT fits in your macros. I'm saying this because there is no reason you can't eat out at those places you want to eat. There is no reason you shouldn't eat take out occasionally. There is no bad food, no food you should be afraid to eat, no food that on its own will stop you from losing weight. It's your overall diet over the course of weeks and months that is important, not a single meal or even a handful of meals.

Fitfully_me

I am hesitant to respond as I truly don't know how I can help you. You're under care for your eating disorder, and it sounds like they are advising you well, but left on your own, you are unable to manage.

The only thing I can think to ask is have you considered an in-house treatment facility? These programs are designed to assist you until you are able to manage your intake on your own. Additionally, they provide treatment for the underlying cause of your disordered eating, which is your distorted way of thinking/seeing your body.

Please, speak with your doctors about this, and inquire about a higher level of treatment. Be as honest with them as you have been with us in this post. Tell them about your thoughts and why you believe you go to such extremes; and most of all, admit that you are not yet able to control it on your own.

Overcoming this will be hard, but you can do it.

All the best.

JoseRan_

WOW. Thank you so much for replying! I used to get e-mails whenever someone replied to me, but for some reason i haven't received anything. So I pretty much never bothered looking back.

I know I have an eating disorder, but when I went to the nutritionist, I had no clue. I just told him how I felt and he definitely told me I had malnutrition. I had a few binges before then, but I never knew about the term "binge" until now. So I didn't tell him that. I just said, "sometimes I eat a lot." He did mention I was being too extreme and that my body fat was lower than average. When I went to the psychologist, it was very different. He didn't quite understand where I was going and so the advice he gave me was more on the spiritual side and ways to behave. That was a weird experience. I even when to the priest at my church, but again, it was all spiritual.

Because I have been doing more weight training, I have been eating a bit more, but still freak out about calories. I love whole wheat bread, fibre cereal, granola bars, oatmeal but when it comes to white bread and enriched flour, I also freak out. Because of the whole weight training, I am afraid of carbs, even the "good ones". I eat them because there is no way I am ever giving up my whole wheat toast in the morning, but still, I think about that stuff way too much.

I've been giving it a lot of thought and I'm considering visiting the health center at my university. They have special services for eating disorders. The only thing is that they charge for this stuff. I keep thinking, should I? is it worth it? or is it something that I can control myself? I don't know, I just feel lost.

But thank you all for replying, seriously. Had I known earlier, I would have felt better

OH and about the whole binge thing, I don't purge. Which is good... right?

bridgie101

I sort of feel you're falling through the cracks and even though you could feel overwhelmed, you have to fight.

There are mental health services everywhere. A lot run by charities, a lot run by churches. Your doctor should be able to give you a list of free or cheap counselling services that you can use. Your university might have help in paying - you might be able to apply for a disability allowance. You might have to ask a few times, you might get initially referred to your local hospital mental health unit, for instance, and then maybe they'll find a counsellor for you. Don't give up on yourself.

If you don't relate to the counsellor get another one. It's that simple. there's no shame in saying 'i can't relate to this counsellor'.

You need counselling for the anxiety and maybe even a short period of time on an anti anxiety medication. A good counsellor will look at both sides and help you with strategies for handling the anxiety now, as well as finding out what set it off. But ultimately a good counsellor will just be a good friend.

and for now try to experience the attacks: by which I mean go through them, don't balk at them. It's very easy to think that because you're feeling this terrible sense of danger, that there is something genuinely dangerous happening, to attach that feeling to.

with an anxiety disorder that's all up the wop. I speak from my experience. Just because you're standing there, feeling terrified, doesn't mean there's anything to fear. That's really hard to get the hang of but the more times you get through it without obeying it, the less it happens.

In closing: are men supposed to go below 18oo cals a day? Is MFP saying you should do this? You're young. You're active. You have to challenge your decisions and see if they hold up to a bit of scrutiny. I think you're undereating and the bingeing is your body fighting back.