Unsolicited advice

Corina1143

How do you feel about unsolicited advice. On mfp or anywhere?

megd44

How about a big ole "it depends"? An answer i normally hate. It depends on where it comes from, a close friend that may have a better understanding of whatever the issue is or some acquaintance that is a bit of a know it all? How is it presented, may I offer v. let me tell you. And finally what is my knowledge of the subject? Happy to receive unsolicited advice about a car issue but please don't tell me how to do my job ( especially if you are not in my field) or why weighing my food is not necessary.

Dianedoessmiles1

If its spam NO THANK YOU!!! However as @Megd44 said sometimes it's from a well meaning friend or well meaning family member. Those I do not mind, but I do not like things crammed down my throat. SURE present me with what works for you, I'll mull it over, but grrr on those who insist I do what works for them. We all have different taste and health issues.

Hobartlemagne

I didnt ask your opinion

JoleneMiller9664

Sometimes, I have to tell them to stay in their own lane, that they think they're being helpful but they are not. Given the situation, I might even ask if they're trying to sabotage my efforts to be healthy. (My family of origin is not the most supportive.)

AnnPT77

It's going to happen. Sometimes I'm even going to be the one that gives it. In a sense, it's a dimension of normal conversation, if we want to help each other. But communication is hard enough, and sometimes we get our wires crossed.

Here again, as I mentioned on your thread about giving support, I try to give other people of the benefit of the doubt, i.e., start from the assumption that they mean well, want to help. That helps me stay calm and reasonably happy, even in some cases where I may be wrong about their intentions.

For around 20 years, I quite regularly attended a monthly cancer support group. A fairly common thing in the conversation was someone recently diagnosed saying ". . . and then my friend told me I should XYZ, which was so rude and unsupportive; I felt terrible. Why couldn't she have said ABC?". A month or two later, some other person would say: ". . . and then my cousin told me I should ABC, which was so mean and discouraging. Why couldn't she have said XYZ?".

Yes, literally opposite views about what was mean, and what was helpful. How is the other party, who wants to help or support, supposed to win?

That's part of what convinced me that it was more useful to listen for the intention more than listen to the words.

Also similar to what I said on the other thread, I try - not always successfully - to stay on the high road when responding. If I can do that, that helps me feel better about myself as a person, as compared to snapping back negatively (which I admit can be vaguely satisfying in the moment ). If I think the unsolicited advice is incorrect, or even isn't even meant to be helpful, I'd try to go with something like "Is that what you did in these circumstances? Did it work for you?", "I wonder why you think that might work?", "That really doesn't work for me." or in truly extreme cases "I'm wondering why you feel that is an appropriate thing to say in this situation?".

We all differ in our needs and responses, I think. I feel like I have substantial control over what triggers me, and how I respond (emotionally inside myself, or explicitly to the person).

If I let another person tell me what to do (when I have a choice, and I don't want to do it), I'm letting them push me around. But also, if I react emotionally in ways that aren't helpful to me, I'm also letting them push me around, just in a different way.

For me, allowing my reactions to escalate the situation (internally or externally) tends to impair my equanimity, mood, or quality of life. I don't see much value in that. For me, it's usually better just to ignore it, change the subject, etc., or at most say one of the kinds of things I mentioned above.

YMMV, of course, but you asked how we feel about unsolicited advice. That's me. :flowerforyou:

Corina1143

I agree that often the hardest part of offering support is knowing what the other person needs.
But I think everyone who comes to MFP forums as a newbie needs some support in some way.
It's so easy to just say "welcome" rather than "you're wrong! Do it the way I say."
Common decency is so easy.

AnnPT77

Corina1143 wrote: »

I agree that often the hardest part of offering support is knowing what the other person needs.
But I think everyone who comes to MFP forums as a newbie needs some support in some way.
It's so easy to just say "welcome" rather than "you're wrong! Do it the way I say."
Common decency is so easy.

I think we may differ on the bolded. I think the definition of "common decency" is a little less black and white than that implies, so not necessarily all that easy. As you say, the hardest part is knowing what another person needs, or wants.

I agree that "just do it my way, because that will work best for everyone" isn't great (and IMO likely isn't accurate).

But I also don't think just "welcome" is necessarily full support, either. That's not the kind of support I want, at least not as a standalone comment. What I actually prefer myself - now, but also going back to being new here - is stuff like "here's what worked for me, so one option to consider", "this is worth the effort, here's the standard way to start", or something like that, in addition to the "welcome".

Further, from experience here, there are folks who will read "this is what worked for me" as "you're wrong, do this", and be offended. That isn't common, but it happens.

Also, if an OP has asked a question, and gets some reply that literally is factually wrong in some important way, I think that explaining why that reply is factually incorrect IS support to the OP. However, it's obviously unsupportive (and probably unsolicited advice) to the person who wrote the factual incorrect reply.

Just my opinions, of course.

prduk2000

Unsolicited advice is like background noise to me. It is there; I don't have to acknowledge or respond to it.

whiskey9890

Unsolicited advice is always criticism.

springlering62

No, it’s not.

When I was obese, I was super prickly and sensitive and negative.

After eliminating some job and extended family issues and losing weight, my prickles mostly fell off and I had a total attitude reversal.

If people give me advice now, I absorb anything that might be worth listening to or investigating further, and let the rest roll off my back.

In the past I would have gnawed on things, potentially for years, but now, it’s just not worth investing my energy into anything negative.

If it’s truly negative, I feel sorry for them. That’s in them, not me, but I’ve been there.

Everyone is used to me being slim and athletic now. Most people don’t even know or remember (which is crazy to me!) the obese me of six years ago. On the rare occasion someone asks for advice, I just tell them “there’s this app called MFP and I’ll be happy to show you how to use it effectively”.

Not one single person has taken me up on the offer, except one couple who came to dinner and were so convinced that what we served was something they could never eat and lose weight, they thought we were messing with them, and haven’t spoken to us since.

They honestly seemed to think we were trying to sabotage them. WTF? 🤦🏻‍♀️

DiscusTank5

Glad you said what you did, @springlering62 .

I critiqued Vshred once on the boards here. It wasn't a criticism of the OP but of a program I have concerns about. She's happy with him though, and if it works for her, great.

Weight loss is such an individual pursuit in one sense, and things don't work equally for people across the board, but if someone wants to give feedback on my workouts or eating plan, I listen, especially to people who have succeeded and have been at this a long time. You and AnnPT_77, nossmf, and ninerbuff are some frequent posters who come to mind.

springlering62

My feeling is, in general but not always, if someone is posting on the community boards, they’re either asking for, or dispensing advice.

The nature of the boards is to do both.

I’m super grateful for all the advice I got here, even a couple that came acrost as “boy, you sure are a dumb *kitten*.” Sometimes that tone of voice was just what I needed to make me mad enough to stay the course.

I don’t mean this in a bad way. If you’re posting here and think unsolicited advice is always criticism, climb back under your warm and cozy rock. Warm and cozy translated to fat and happy under my unshaken rock. It took an earthquake of dialogue to get my *kitten* moving.

AnnPT77

I'm with Springlering62 upthread.

I'm going to listen, because I might learn something. If I have clear knowledge that tells me the advice is bad, I'd ignore it. Though I prefer to take the high road, if I think someone's deliberately being a jerk, I would aim for some polite but direct response that made clear I didn't think their advice was appropriate, and that it definitely wasn't welcome. I've argued with advice, even, but do try to keep it polite.

That applies out in real life to truly unsolicited advice that comes out of the blue.

"Unwelcome advice" is a more nuanced thing. If someone posts in public here on MFP, and treats replies as "unsolicited advice", I think that's seriously unrealistic. Sure, if an OP says "I don't want XYZ kind of replies", OK, they get to say what's on-topic to their thread. But objecting to advice that simply isn't what a person wants to hear, when they've asked a question or described a problem here in public? That's not "unsolicited advice".

For myself, I try to keep in mind that cognitive bias is a real thing, and try to listen keeping in mind that I am biased because I'm a human.

There's selection bias: We like and listen to advice we agree with and want to hear, and tend to reject and forget advice we don't agree with. It's also very human not to know what (how much) we don't know about a subject, and sometimes to reject new information because we because the new info is out of sync with our limited knowledge and our pre-existing beliefs. It's also human to feel personally wounded when people disagree with us, even about things where disagreement isn't remotely a moral judgement.

It's not always easy, but I really do try to listen with an open mind, because I don't think an open mind is an empty mind . . . kind of the opposite, really. If I hold onto my personal biases, and knee-jerk reject things that don't confirm those biases, that's a package I call being learning-resistant. That's not a path of thriving, IMO.

I don't want people to censor advice to me because I might disagree with it or not like it. Just reassuring me when I'm on the wrong course is not support or helpfulness. It's enablement, maybe even sabotage.

csplatt

When I’ve been on the receiving end of too much unsolicited advice in the past, I eventually realized I was opening that door by talking about that subject too much. So if I am openly talking about my body, my efforts, etc, then others see that as an invitation to dialogue about it. If I just let that be my own personal journey and I don’t unknowingly invite people to join me on it, people tend to not say anything. That’s just my experience.

Alatariel75

csplatt wrote: »

When I’ve been on the receiving end of too much unsolicited advice in the past, I eventually realized I was opening that door by talking about that subject too much. So if I am openly talking about my body, my efforts, etc, then others see that as an invitation to dialogue about it. If I just let that be my own personal journey and I don’t unknowingly invite people to join me on it, people tend to not say anything. That’s just my experience.

I think this is exactly why there tends to be more "unsolicited" advice on MFP than otherwhere, because there's an assumption that if you're posting here, you're at least open to advice or discussion regarding your body/health/method etc

RuatyShackelford

I try to tap into some graciousness and thank the person. It is my responsibilty to decide what to do with the advise