Slipping into depression...

Alatariel75

I just posted this in a group, but I'm posting here for wider… accountability? support? I don't know.

I'm slipping, I can feel it. I'm depressed, I'm still getting my steps in, only because I have to exercise the puppy, but I'm just flat and tired and it's cold and all of the mania and stress and nervous energy of the horrors is wearing off, and I can just feel the cocoon of grey just building up around me. It's to be expected, I wasn't going to be just soldiering on forever, but I hate that I can feel it happening, but feel powerless to stop it.

I mean, I KNOW right? I lost my husband, my forever person, in a horribly traumatic way and at an age where it should have been incomprehensible. And in the 2.5 months since I've been outwardly the picture of coping, and managing, and trucking along, but it was fuelled by determination, and my overriding need to be in control and to seem to be fine, but it was never going to last.

I'm trying to create a routine, but I'm tired and sad. I'm not motivated to go to the gym, and I'm realising (AGAIN) that signing up was silly because I don't actually like the gym. I do need to maintain muscle though. I just feel really lost, like I've finally looked up out of this sea of change, and stress and crazy, and realised that I'm alone, and I don't have any direction.

I've been at the same weight, up and down a couple of kilos, for weeks now, and I don't mind maintaining, it's probably a good idea, but it's not what I wanted, and if I'm not doing what I wanted, then I'm not doing what I should.

Yesterday I binged for the first time in a long time. A proper - went to the shops for the sole purpose of buying binge food binge. It was minor in terms of previous times, a bag of chocolate coated liquorice and a bag of glazed mixed nuts, then later when I was hungry I made a very average pita pizza instead of eating the good stuff I had, but it was the action, not the amount, that worries me.

I'm scared I'm taking steps towards just letting myself go again completely, it wouldn't be the first time I got down to a low weight like this, then let go and ballooned right back up.

I know I have to be kind to myself and to not have expectations of being all fine and dandy, but I know myself, and I know how I work, and I do not want to let myself start falling down that hill again, or up that scale, and I'm definitely at risk.

Anyway. I don't have a lot of places I can offload this, and so here it is.

spiriteagle99

Can you find a therapist or grief support group to help you as you deal with your loss? You don't have to do it alone.

In a way, you're doing it right. Motivation is ephemeral, discipline will keep you going in the right direction. So keep on doing your steps. Get to the gym and see if a hard workout makes you feel better. You don't have to feel motivated on that day, just disciplined enough to show up. You generally have the motivation to be more healthy and to get through this horrible period in your life without self-destructing. So take it one day at a time. Occasionally you'll mess up, but you can start over at the next meal or the next morning.

yakkystuff

Knowledge and understanding help, but... does not remove the strong grief reactions and emotions... just expressing the feelings and fears and thoughts can help to release and de-stress...

tactics like deep breathing a few minutes during acute moments can help. Other things can help depending on energy and mood - reach for helpful, soothing things - such as various stretching/range of motion movement, warm showers, early to sleep, funny comedy to help crack a smile, getting out of the house in the morning can help start and keep going for the day.

Sharing support here, maybe a real world grief group who can understand, extra tlc for yourself...

Distress intensity likely will come and go perhaps like rising and receding tides, and grieving always lasts way longer than I think... with acute moments of intensity that hit... sometimes to just cry, sleep and tomorrow feels better...

there will be moments when the grey lifts and sunshine peeks in... trust more sunshine ahead at same time it is ok to just feel, mourn and cry from the loss... and hopefully, the moments of calm and sunshine return and increase soon. ♡

claireychn074

Firstly, sending a text hug. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, or actually how you’ve coped so far, but it sounds like you need to give yourself a bit of leeway now. I’m not big on taking medication, but I know personally that sometimes anti-depressants can just help take the edge off during the darkest times. You’ve been through severe trauma and nothing can change that, but a tiny tiny bit of emotional blunting might help you just to process this stage of grief.
I also second seeing if there is a therapy group you could explore; knowing you have support when you need it can also make a significant difference.

Finally, I think you should take hope in that even during the darkest time, you didn’t slip back into old habits. You stopped yourself from having a huge binge and made a wiser choice for dinner - your courage and your real self is still in there and it will re-emerge again after grief. I am so sorry for your loss x

Lietchi

I'll start by saying that I have no idea what you're going through, so very little useful advice I fear, but I wanted to reply to show my sympathy and say that I'm wishing you the best through this difficult time.

Perhaps one thing you may consider trying: I've been using the app Finch for nearly a year now, and I thought it could potentially be useful for you. There's an aspect of creating/maintaining habits and achieving goals (we have a little bird companion that we send on adventures if we reach goals we set ourselves) which is what I've been using. And there's also a self care side to the app, which I'm less familiar with: a meditation timer, breathing exercises, reflection exercises, a 'first aid kit' (exercises to ground yourself from anxiety, to process grief,…). It seems a bit silly/childish with the little bird companion but it might just give you a small push in the right direction and have some helpful tools? Some parts are for paying members, but most of it is free.

sollyn23l2

It's normal for that to happen. After the dust settles, after everyone else gets back to their "normal" lives, when the time of crisis is over and the rest of the world has moved on. That's when the depression has a chance to set in. There's no way out but through. I found going to the gym helped. I went for an hour every day. It was a routine and I could focus on the exercise instead of anything else. Over time, you will start to feel better. Not easy to see right now, I know. And at first, you'll probably resent when you start to feel better, because it just feels… wrong somehow, that life can continue on. But it does.

Fursian

Sending you hugs as well. I'm so sorry that you've lost your forever person. I don't know how I'll cope when that inevitable time comes.

I'm really glad that you've felt like you can put your words here. We need all the help we can get when horrible things happen,
and to free up some mental bandwidth, getting the words out, has to hopefully help some.

I can't offer much in the way of advice, just wanted to also offer my sympathies. Medication has been mentioned already, many people swear by it,
so I'm not posting here to argue against that advice just with you saying that you have a puppy,
I feel like I aught to at least share my experience of being put on Fluoxetine for depression.
There's one memory in particular that frightens and saddens me when I think back, of a time when my mother and sister managed to get me out of the house with my puppy,
and I'm thankful they were there with me to keep an eye on my puppy as I was spaced out and just...gone from the medication and couldn't really be 'present'.
I guess you could say it did its job, numbing, but they can numb and blunt everything, including the good. That's just one isolated memory,
but the rest of the time on it didn't feel like an existence I'd want to revisit. Just something to consider anyway, whatever you decide to do.

I wish I could help with the binging. It's good that you're at least aware of that slope, though. The sound advice to just keep the certain problematic stuff out of the house unfortunately doesn't help consistently for me.
It works, but it doesn't. So many variables, but even more of a challenge if you're going through awful stuff like you currently are.

Wishing you well, Alatariel, and that you can get to a better place soon.

Alatariel75

Thank you so much everyone for your support and thoughts.

I am on what's often used as an antidepressant, but my use is actually anti-anxiety, as I've had anxiety issues for a while. Thankfully I've been on it long enough that I am acclimatised to it, and I don't really think I need to increase or change it, I know that what I'm going through is situational and not chemical so I'd prefer to work through it mentally and not with more medication. I will definitely keep my medical team in mind if things get really out of control though.

I know the key is structure, and I really need a routine. I think part of my issue with the gym is that I have a PT who I like, and her thing is to change her clients' routines every 6 weeks to keep it fresh, but for me all that does is mess up a routine I'm only just getting familiar with, so I'm going to ask her to just leave it as is until I ask for a change. I do like having the routine on an app so I can track it. To be honest, last time I went to the gym with my routine planned, and logged into the app to see it gone, I went to my car and cried haha. And this is a thing, right? Easy fix - as her to put it back. But instead I just stopped going. So inspired here, I just messaged my trainer and asked her to stop changing my routines and to put back the oens I liked.

@sollyn23l2 you're right, I just need to go. I think it's because I don't really know what I'm doing and get overwhelmed, I get the "if I don't have the perfect routine, I can't do anything" mindset. But I know how to do enough to get a workout that's better than sitting at home!!

I have a therapist, but I'm going to look into some specific grief counselling, maybe a group thing. I don't know, in person I'm pretty defensive and introverted. But I guess they're used to that too.

In good news, I think being open about this has forestalled a binge. I've been on track and not felt out of control (ok, maybe I had 2 serves of dark chocolate last night) but I'm sticking to good, nourishing food.

Thank you again for listening and being here, all of you.

Alatariel75

Update: I did it. I went to the gym at lunch. Only for 45 minutes, but it's better than not going at all. I'm going to aim for M-W-F at lunch for 45 minutes as a minimum. I have no excuse not to.

Fursian

I can't picture it hurting anything to ask the PT to hold off on changing the routines, I hope she's open to the idea. The less roadblocks the better.

45 minutes is great.

AnnPT77

You're doing fine. Going to the gym and asking the PT to keep you on a stable routine are both excellent steps.

I think each of us is totally unique in how we best process grief. I do empathize, not because I know exactly how I feel, but because there were similar events in my life: When I was 43, my husband passed quite quickly from an aggressive cancer that was diagnosed only about two weeks before he died.

In retrospect, what worked best for me was going through the motions of normal life as best I could, though I felt empty and dazed, like I was sleepwalking or something. But slowly, eventually, normal feelings gradually started to creep back in. It took time, and there were some other strategies or mindsets that helped me as the process went on, but for me that was the starting point.

It's IMO completely normal to feel dislocated and even take some missteps while figuring things out, figuring out how to be happy in a different life. I think we need to give ourselves some grace about that, but - if at all possible - not give in completely to the darkness.

You're already taking some positive steps. That's a really good sign. It may seem weird and distant right now, but there can be better and happier times ahead. Hang in there.

If it helps you to talk things out here, by all means do that. Sending you virtual hugs!