anxious, depressed, mentally overwhelmed

Flass

sorry to start a downer of a thread, but just wanted to 1, vent and 2, see if others are feeling the same or have any advice.

i've always felt ashamed of my appearance and weight and to be honest, i'm extremely jealous of pretty people and the way they are treated and valued by society in a way that i will never be. i know it's on a superficial level, i know looks fade, i know it's more important to be beautiful inside etc, i know i have more to offer but in all honesty, i am still bitter that i'm not pretty and thin.

i started calorie counting a couple years ago and lost about 10 kgs. i was very happy with that but the calorie counting did take over my life to an extent and stopped me enjoying food/life as much as i used to.

i have put the 10 kgs back on and am feeling even worse than before. i can't stand being this weight and even though i'm not really 'fat', i'm not at all happy with how i look. i have a boyish figure, bad circulation, ordinary face and recently developed some nice acne around my mouth and chin to top it off.

i feel extremely anxious about what i eat and guilty/depressed when i exceed my calorie goal. i usually relax it on weekends and try to stick to 1200/day during the week but i find it very hard to keep within that and often end up in a binge, far exceeding my goal. hence the weight gain.

at the same time i'm also dealing with generalised anxiety disorder which keeps me feeling stressed and confused. i'm also stressed about my job - i started 6 months ago and am still feeling useless and clumsy and very disliked by my co-workers.

i was seeing a psychologist which i found useful but since starting this job i haven't been able to fit it in to my schedule - i would have to leave work early for an appointment every few weeks and i don't want to explain to my boss/colleagues that i have mental issues, but i also don't want to lie about why i need to leave work early every few weeks. i work in an office with only 3 people so nothing is able to be a secret or unnoticed.

i know i need to exercise and that it would improve my mental state, circulation and weight but the fact is that i hate moving. i absolutely hate exercise so badly that i felt depressed all day yesterday, just at the thought of going for a quick jog after work. my partner and i have a fairly busy life and don't get a lot of spare time to exercise. i despise gyms and feel extremely anxious as soon as i step in the door.

i constantly feel like i'm going to burst into tears or have a nervous breakdown. i know i'm complaining and i know how ignorant and self indulgent it is to complain about having too much food when there are millions starving. i know it's stupid to whine about such vapid things when millions have such bigger and worse problems. i know this but i still can't stop feeling this way.

has anyone ever been in this state and come out of it? if so, how did you do it?

thepetiterunner

My goodness, I can see how you get into these overwhelmed states.

First, stop apologizing for your feelings. You're dismissing the validity of your own feelings. It's okay, we all have insecurities. You just need to find a better way of coping with them.

Let me tell you something: "pretty" people don't have it as great as you might think. My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend once told him to stop telling her that she was "pretty" because, as she put it, "pretty girls want to be told they're smart, not pretty" and I suppose, "smart" girls, want to be told they're "pretty". No matter who you are, there's always something you could be unhappy about. And though we may think if we were only "X" (enter characteristic or feature of your choice), we would be so amazingly happier and the world would acknowledge our greatness and we would reap all of the rewards. It's just not like that in reality.

I think you should continue to see your psychologist. I think you have some deep emotional issues you need to address and some serious self-esteem issues. It's derailing the rest of your life.

Start small, take control of ONE thing, any one small thing. If you don't like exercising in a gym, don't. Go for a walk or run outside instead. Go whether or not your partner does. This is about YOU. Make a commitment, no matter how small, Make it count. Don't think about conquering EVERYTHING at once. Take one small step towards a goal. In two weeks, you will be glad you did. And so on and so forth.

Just make one small decision and stick with it. Stay in the moment. Commit to that plan for those 15-20 minutes or whatever. Don't think too far ahead of the present.

chickenchaser78

I can vouch for exercise improving your mood. I can tell within a month of not regular exercise by how I'm mentally feeling. You have to start by finding what you like to do. You don't have to run, jog or even walk. In Chalene Johnson's book, PUSH, she has you write down activities you like to do. If you like to dance, Dance! If you like the idea of feeling strong start a strength program (look up strength training ideas at home to see what you do do that way). If you like animals maybe you can volunteer to dog walk at a local shelter for exercise.

I'm with the other poster in that pretty people are not perfect. No one knows what someone else has going on inside them. Some attractive people have awful attitudes, some are battling depression, some have awful confidence..or come from awful family situations. Start by taking care of you. Find something you love about yourself...no matter how small...and build from there. We get one body, one life and you have to learn to love it. I once read that exercise is a way of blessing your body each day and showing it that you are grateful for its health. Kind of a cool way to look at things.

1200 is pretty low so I can see why you are binging. I used to do the same thing. I try to shoot for 1600. Between the exercise and that number I can stay pretty happy and not have the urge to binge.

I have social anxiety issues also and medication has helped....tremendously. I take it as needed. You would be surprised if you do decide to confide in your boss/coworkers how many other people deal with things like this. It sounds like you really do need to keep your appointments though if they were helping. You have to start by taking care of yourself and this is one of those things.

Good luck!!

ElsaVonMarmalade

Find a therapist that will do evening or weekend appointments, or before work. They do exist, and it will help. Best of luck - and an internet hug from a stranger who thinks you are quite pretty, actually.

Howdoyoufeeltoday

I'm sorry you're struggling. I know what it feels like to dislike they way you look and feel about yourself. Like no matter what you do it doesn't seem to be enough. The ppl on tv and jean commercials will always be smaller then me and prettier then me but ive kinda learnt to not focus on all those other people and just focus on me. You have to find a balance between using fit ppl as motivation but also not comparing every aspect of your body to theirs. we're all made different. and some times my jeans wont fit right and i'll hate everything from my hair to my hips, but just try to tell yourself your doing this just for you and once you start to feel comfortable in your own skin ppl will see that whether it's 10 pounds from now or 30.

Don't de afraid or ashamed to tell your boss you have to go every couple of weeks. It is a serious issue and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Millions of ppl fight this and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to get better and seek help. You need to focus on you and get healthy because Im sure your boss would rather you leave an hour early once every few weeks then have a breakdown at work.

Depression and anxiety are hard to manage sometimes. I would say go a little easier on your diet. eat more of the foods you love but in smaller portions. don't deprive yourself of stuff you love because once you do you'll just make your craving angry..which is why you binge. Maybe eat 100 calories more in a day and try and fit in a small treat at the end of the day just to pick yourself up. It doesn't have to be hell losing weight...I learnt that the hard way. Don't punish yourself for eating more and falling off the diet wagon cause we've all been there.

The gym can be overwhelming with all the fit ppl who you think are there looking at you (but their really not.) but do stuff at home. start off small by doing crunches or lunges during a commercial when your watching tv. there are tons of those fun games online where everytime something happens on the tv show your watching you have to do a certain exercise. make it into a game. and maybe that will help ease some of your anxiety towards exercise. sounds to me like you hate it because you fear failing at it. like you don't want to disappoint yourself even more by failing at an exercise or something. so starting off slow might help. Jog up and down some stairs...cause trust me that stuff gets hard after a while. Some stretching and yoga exercises you can do at home would also be a good place to start. then maybe when you're comfortable with where you are then go take a walk or jog on a street that isn't too crowded. Just keep telling yourself it will bring you closer to your goal and you can do it. There is nothing to fear from exercise and you can get through it. don't feel bad just doing it slower then you would have wanted to.

There is nothing stupid about anxiety and depression. I have battled both and continue to do so when it comes to different aspects of my life. When you compare it to a problem like world hunger ya it might sound dumb I know, but to you it is very real and a constant battle. Lots of ppl wont fully understand unless they have been through it or has known someone who has but once you experience it so personally you realize just how HARD it is to deal with. It's an every day fight. Some days are going to be good and some will be bad. but everyday just tell yourself you will get through it and you will be better and stronger for it. Some days you'll just have to push yourself a little more. look at each time you do a set of crunches or jumping jacks as a victory. My heart goes out to you and I hope things get a little easier. Be strong and when your not forgive yourself and feel what you need to feel in the moment. Get well! :flowerforyou:

abtsdiet

You are being very honest. Thanks.

Please continue with therapy.

I don't know what else to say...but I am thinking about you.

All the best.

abtsdiet

Oh and by the way...you look pretty to me. Very nice eyes!