Please help me with family situations...

speakermaguire

Hi... So here's my story... (I'm going to try to not TMI here, but I think it is something that others have/will go through)

So, since I've joined MFP, I have lost 18 pounds, I'm feeling great and things are right on track... I had a few "slips", but have gotten right back on the horse and kept going. So last night, we had our "traditional pizza" night with my extended family for the first time since I have been losing weight. Going into the night, I knew it was going to be tough... so I was sure to add a few more minutes to my exercise, eat a relatively filling meal prior to getting there and drinking water while there and ahead of time. Unfortunately I kept dealing with "Why are you eating?" "Do you want some pizza?" "Come one, we made some extra knowing you would be here." etc. from my extended family... I know it's "my own stuff and no one force fed me", but I finally gave in and ended up gorging myself on pizza, cake and ice cream, basically to "fit in" and stop dealing with the comments... The reality is I'm going to deal with more situations like this in the future... Any tips/advice/thoughts that can helpful would be awesome! Thanks!

suejonestx

That's a hard one, and I also have a hard time eating right around family. The only solution is that you have to make the decision not to overindulge (a little pizza, cake and ice cream is OK) and then don't do it. You could try eating slowly so that your family sees you with the food for a while, maybe not knowing it's the same piece of pizza you were eating last time they looked. You could bring a big salad (for everyone) and serve yourself a large portion of salad (to help fill you up) with just a slice or two of pizza. Bottom line is deciding whether you or someone else is going to dictate your eating habits. Sorry so blunt, I don't know any other way to say it.

lieblingsbunny

What I do when I have situations where I know there's going to be bad food (but so cursedly good food), I eat an apple beforehand, just to fill me up some, so I eat less when I'm there. The trick is not to deny yourself EVERYTHING but just to limit the amount you do eat. Eat a slice of pizza, a small piece of cake and a bit of icecream, it's okay to have small splurges occasionally. And if they do pressure you into eating more, just stick with, oh I was hungrier earlier and had a snack, but hey more pizza and food for you guys!

sexylonglegs

{{hugs}} how about setting an example for them? teach them that you can enjoy family gatherings without lots of fattening foods, etc? i know it's difficult...hang in there & STAY STRONG! just forget about yesterday and move on...

❤B☩❤

If they know you are on a journey to lose weight and be more healthy (and how could they NOT, with your weight loss already!), then I think I have never heard anything so selfish in my life. THEY wanted YOU to conform. SAD. I think what you were hoping to hear is praise, or at least an "I'm proud of you...you look great already!" Who wouldn't want to hear that? I sure do!

I guess, next time, do what you did, eat before you go, drink lots of water, exercise a little extra and order what you want, but just enough to fit in...on YOUR terms, not theirs. Let them know that their support is greatly appreciated and you need to do this for YOU!

Good luck, and I hope some people can take the hint! :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:

Mindful_Trent

I have a hard time with this as well, but to be honest, it's just something you have to do for yourself. You HAVE to learn to ignore their comments, or just explain, "I'm watching my diet" or "I'm trying to eat healthier" or something like that. that's what I tell people at work when I turn down goodies that are passed around. It gets easier over time... (I can attest to that personally!) I read a book that compared learning to say No to building a muscle - it starts out weak, but the more you use it/exercise it, the stronger it gets. I think you did the right things - eating before hand, drinking water, etc., so now know that you have to mentally coach yourself next time and have responses ready for when people comment/ask why you're not eating.

Good luck!

dawn_eichert

This one is tough because so many time getting together to eat is how families can communicate and if you don't eat, you are perceived to be snubbing them.:grumble: :grumble:

Before the next one, try talking with one or two of them beforehand and tell them what you have acccomplished and how you really want to stick to it but you need their help. :drinker: :drinker: Explain that family get togethers can be tough but if you have one or two cheer leaders there that can point out how great you look, how successful you have been, what great choices you are making...it will make others take notice and hopefully they will be less willing to try to sabotage you. You did all the right things of extra exercise, eat beforehand, and water. Keep it up. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: Remember, you can have the taboo stuff, just don't go overboard and plan accordingly to have it. If you totally deny yourself, you could go bingeing (that's me...) on the taboo item. This is a lifestyle, not a diet...you will need to be able to cope with these but I know you can do it. You have come so far, don't beat yourself up, pick yourself up today and get out there.

Good luck and if you ever need a friend, send request...always open to chat (esp since I have the total dysfunctional fam but love them anyway. :blushing: :blushing: )

amelia_atlantic

It was one slip up! It's okay!

Your family should be supportive with your goals to change you life, kindly remind them of that. Maybe next time, they could do a sandwich platter?

When my sister and I visit my parents, it used to be "pizza sunday" also. We'd binge on tons of pizza, beer and chips and play board games.
I realize that HAD to stop. Now, I cook healthy meals for them on sundays! My sister and I prep the food and cook it together. Not only does it taste better and is healthier, it's a great bonding experience! We have much more fun doing it. Maybe you could try that?

Either way, you're doing great and you're aware! Keep it up!

foxxybrown

They will continue to push if you keep giving in. Give them a serious "NO" and make them understand the reasons behind the no. No one can force you to eat but if you put yourself in those situations, you will give in.

rmwilliams0519

I have been on my journey for about 2 years now and have lost 50 lbs since I started.....(i've gained a few back and lost them again as well) I deal with that every Sunday when we go over to my parents house and have our Sunday dinners. They cook very un healthy and are all over weight. They always give me a hard time and I finally just had to get mad one day and tell them look this makes me happy, eating healthy and caring what my health is like makes me happy and enough is enough. They still tease me every now and then but you just have to grow tough skin and let it all roll off your back. just keep reminding yourself why you are on this journey and who it benifits. you can do it hang in their. try to keep in mind also they probably aren't doing to be hurtfull its hard for people to change their habbits

keep up the good work you can do it

loopybec2002

I have had many functions since dieting and the way I cope is to do extra exercise and for breakfast have a snack bar and for lunch just a tuna salad or salmon salad this gives me more calories for food. If you go over thats fine maybe once a month or even once a fortnight as long as it then doesn't set you back for the rest of the time if you cant have a treat everyonce in a while whats the point? Maybe the key is remember to stop when you have had enough or even when you havent and think maybe I can do only two pieces if I have ice cream too

jamie1888

I just had to deal with a similar situation last weekend.... was at a friend's house for a BBQ. The food wasn't the problem; it was alcohol! I don't drink alcohol; never have. (other than some crazy times in high school, etc.. but, I digress..)

Anyway, my friends were trying so hard (as they always do!) to get me to do a shot because it was my birthday. I mean, it was pathetic! "Come on! Just one shot! It's your birthday!... blah blah"

So, I turned to my friend's 6 year old daughter and said, " See Hannah, this is what is called peer pressure. Everyone is trying to make me do something that I don't want to do. But, I'm just going to keep saying "no" because I don't want to do it. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do".

My friends felt pretty foolish at that point and let it go! :laugh:

Shawna_831

It's like someone pushing drugs on you. You know they are bad and you see what they do to others but the peer pressure will get to you. Giving in is a sign of weakness and you can not be weak in this journey! Stay strong for you and your family. Become a leader and lead by example. I never give in to peer pressure and never have. People who try to pressure me into anything in life will eventually be pushed away. Why don't you start a new tradition? Instead of pizza night change it to something healthier. Have a family bbq and grill something healthy! Have everyone chip in and cook...more bonding time.

PJilly

You'll never have control over what other people say and do, so you need to focus your energy on what you do and how you will react when people around you don't quite "get it." You were on the right track when you had a game plan for what you were going to do, so that's great! Next time, include in your game plan that you won't let anybody derail you. People may get used to it, and they may not. That's the part you have no control over, and that can be tough. Being prepared mentally beforehand helps. You can be firm in your convictions without being overly verbal about it. You can answer people's questions without reacting to less-than-sensitive comments. They may surprise you and catch on quicker than you think! Good luck.

FabiolaEnvy♥

i agree with everyone above me.

the thing is. they dont understand what it means to want to lose weight. im sure they would be supported knowing that you are trying to lose weight. i agree to bring a big bowl of salad so everyone can eat. or maybe even having a protein bar before going. or something before so when you do eat a pizza or two. you wouldnt feel guilty. you would feel great about it. and eat your junk food slow. thats another good one to do. and make sure you drink a lot of water in between. its ok to have a little here and there. but dont go downing on it. cause your family is like oh come on will you eat this. the point is, you can still enjoy them.. just less of it. keep up the good work.
and congrats on your weight loss.

if you show you are weak. you will never get the courage to stay strong. even when the time is really needed.


keep it up

fitterpam

I just had to deal with a similar situation last weekend.... was at a friend's house for a BBQ. The food wasn't the problem; it was alcohol! I don't drink alcohol; never have. (other than some crazy times in high school, etc.. but, I digress..)

Anyway, my friends were trying so hard (as they always do!) to get me to do a shot because it was my birthday. I mean, it was pathetic! "Come on! Just one shot! It's your birthday!... blah blah"

So, I turned to my friend's 6 year old daughter and said, " See Hannah, this is what is called peer pressure. Everyone is trying to make me do something that I don't want to do. But, I'm just going to keep saying "no" because I don't want to do it. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do".

My friends felt pretty foolish at that point and let it go! :laugh:

What a great way to get people to realize that what they are doing is silly. I will keep this in mind for future situations of my own.

KendalBeee

I just had to deal with a similar situation last weekend.... was at a friend's house for a BBQ. The food wasn't the problem; it was alcohol! I don't drink alcohol; never have. (other than some crazy times in high school, etc.. but, I digress..)

Anyway, my friends were trying so hard (as they always do!) to get me to do a shot because it was my birthday. I mean, it was pathetic! "Come on! Just one shot! It's your birthday!... blah blah"

So, I turned to my friend's 6 year old daughter and said, " See Hannah, this is what is called peer pressure. Everyone is trying to make me do something that I don't want to do. But, I'm just going to keep saying "no" because I don't want to do it. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do".

My friends felt pretty foolish at that point and let it go! :laugh:

WAY TO TURN IT AROUND!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: THAT IS sooooo GREAT!!!

fitterpam

Everyone's had such great ideas. My thought is that you should listen to what your body is saying. No one can argue with "I'm full"...they can try though.LOL

Take the splurage, Just eat slowly - drink lots of water and when you are full....stop. Don't let anyone else bully you into going further.....

LongMom

I just had to deal with a similar situation last weekend.... was at a friend's house for a BBQ. The food wasn't the problem; it was alcohol! I don't drink alcohol; never have. (other than some crazy times in high school, etc.. but, I digress..)

Anyway, my friends were trying so hard (as they always do!) to get me to do a shot because it was my birthday. I mean, it was pathetic! "Come on! Just one shot! It's your birthday!... blah blah"

So, I turned to my friend's 6 year old daughter and said, " See Hannah, this is what is called peer pressure. Everyone is trying to make me do something that I don't want to do. But, I'm just going to keep saying "no" because I don't want to do it. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do".

My friends felt pretty foolish at that point and let it go! :laugh:

OMG Best response EVER!!! Going to have to use this one - great teaching for my daughters

servingthealiens

I'm a vegetarian, and deal with similar issues around "well meaning" friends and family.

All I can say is that you have to be confident in who you are and why you're doing what you're doing. It's the same with any situation where others are pressuring you, either directly or by killing you with kindness - smoking, drinking, eating meat or unhealthy foods, anything like that.

I do relate to what you're going through. I was recently on a trip with a friend, J, and one other person I didn't know well, M. M was kind of getting up in arms about my trying to find a restaurant with vegetarian options. I should mention we were in a place that had several eateries nearby, so it wasn't like it was the only food for 100 miles. Had that been the case, I'd have made do. I wouldn't have eaten meat, but I would have done something like eating a burger without the patty or something along those lines.

M kept saying things like "Well, they killed the cows already, one burger won't kill you", or "Order it but just don't eat it".

I just kept saying "No, I don't eat meat." despite what she said. My choices are mine. End of story. I do NOT eat meat. Others can believe and choose as they see fit, but I don't personally believe in eating another living being. I had no qualms with HER eating meat, I just wanted to find somewhere that I could have a good meal too.

It wasn't easy, and it did cause a little tension. But, by sticking to my beliefs, I know I won't face the same situation again, because M will know that I won't bend on my choices. Same thing when I quit smoking 4 years ago. There was no "Just one" and not "Come on, you're out. Everyone smokes when they go out." It was just "No, I quit" or "No, I don't smoke". Since I have been vegetarian, and made it clear that I will under absolutely no circumstances eat meat, I've found others are more willing to make compromises of their own without my saying so. A couple weeks ago, some friends wanted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Without my having to say anything, someone piped up and said "Oh wait, you're vegetarian now. Why don't we go to Culver's instead? They have veggie burgers there, and I kind of want ice cream anyway". Nobody had any issues with it.

If I were you, I would talk with the extended family and say you know they meant well, but you're changing your lifestyle and would like them to respect that. Let them know they can do as they like, but you'll be making different choices and will look out for yourself, either by eating food they provide that's healthy and ONLY that food, or by bringing your own.

And then say "No thanks, I'm watching my weight". And mean it. They will only continue to push if they think it will get them somewhere.

Becka77

I have to say I'm lucky in that my family is very supportive, probably because most of them are overweight too so they understand. We have family dinner pretty regularly, so I just call up whoever is hosting and ask them what they are having. If it's something like pizza, then I just bring my own "healthy" ingredients or make my own ahead and bring it with me (with a little extra to share). I just let them know ahead not to fix extra for me if I'm going to be bringing my own. That way I'm eating the same as everyone else and nobody feels uncomfortable.

jamie1888

I just had to deal with a similar situation last weekend.... was at a friend's house for a BBQ. The food wasn't the problem; it was alcohol! I don't drink alcohol; never have. (other than some crazy times in high school, etc.. but, I digress..)

Anyway, my friends were trying so hard (as they always do!) to get me to do a shot because it was my birthday. I mean, it was pathetic! "Come on! Just one shot! It's your birthday!... blah blah"

So, I turned to my friend's 6 year old daughter and said, " See Hannah, this is what is called peer pressure. Everyone is trying to make me do something that I don't want to do. But, I'm just going to keep saying "no" because I don't want to do it. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do".

My friends felt pretty foolish at that point and let it go! :laugh:

OMG Best response EVER!!! Going to have to use this one - great teaching for my daughters

Ha! Ha! Thanks! :happy:

Jennyzfit

Yes you might want to think of it this way. People shouldn't force food on you, (man I hate that!!!). It's their choice to buy extra pizza etc. You didn't ask them to. So you shouldn't FEEL GUILTY when that happens. And you can still say no and just stick to your guns. I know it's really hard and people pressure you but that is their problem. On the other hand you can phone them in advance and say yes i'll be over but I have a strick regiment and won't be joining you. Or you can join with them after the dinner. I hope you don't mind this response but that's what I would do and have done.

Mindful_Trent

Oh - something else I meant to add, A great book I read put it this way - when you are telling someone no, you shouldn't feel guilty. Why? Because it doesn't hurt them if you say No, but it does hurt YOU if you give in. That's how most of us got here, is not being able to say No, even when saying Yes hurts us. If they really care about you, they should understand why you are saying No and respect that.

The book is an easy read and one I would highly recommend, it might help you build some of the skills to get through situations like this. It's called "The Beck Diet Solution" - despite the name, it's not about dieting, it's about lifestyle changes and getting over the mental hurdles most people face. It teaches you how to 'retrain' your brain to work with you rather than against you.

hooah_mj

Wow, these are wonderful responses! Just gotta share what actually works for me NOW...

I never sit down....and I never shut up! We all laugh hysterically and no one actually realizes that I'm not gorging myself...it really works. Jump from conversation to conversation....and have 2 plates, one you pick at and one as a disquise.

When it comes time for cake/ice cream....I help serve everyone (w/o licking my fingers!) and by the time I'm through no one knows the difference.

Don't give up, just get creative....& ditto to PJilly....you'll never change others, you gotta change yourself