On My Own
KathleenKP
Posts: 580 Member
I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. My first triathlon is in two days, so I'm going through the range of emotions that comes with that. This has been my dream, the thing I wanted to do for myself, for 25 years. Two years ago I thought I was going to have to let that dream die, but I've brought myself out of where I was, and my dream has come true.
I'm going on my own. My husband and kids went to the other side of the state to visit with his family and friends. I know this is pretty common, and it has its advantages, but it still makes me sad. My whole journey has been largely on my own, without support. In a way, I've been thankful that I've had to do this on my own, because I had to get stronger.
But tonight, in my tears and lonliness, I realized something.
I have come full circle to where I was 30 years ago. I am standing now at that point again. That is what this triathlon means to me. I need to pick up what was dropped 30 years ago.
I was a competitive swimmer. My last year, it became my own thing. I wasn't there because my parents took me, I was there because I wanted to be. It was the year that I realized that everything I did, earned, whatever - everything that mattered - was because of what *I* put into it, not because of a free ride that someone else gave me. I set my own goals, and I worked hard to meet them, surpass them, do whatever it took. I put everything I had into my swimming that year. I qualified for regionals - on a multi-state level.
And no one acknowledged it. I didn't get to go. There was no "I'm sorry, but we can't because of "X"", or "You did a great job this year". Nothing. We moved a couple months later (job changes for my parents), and I wasn't able to continue swimming. I understood at the time that the changes were huge, but it still hurt that no one said anything. The message I took away from that was that I didn't matter. I got this message at other times in my life, but this event was the big one. It's how and why I got to 250 pounds.
But I am a fighter. And I couldn't let go of my dreams.
Here I am again, putting everything I have into this, because it matters to me. And there is no one here to acknowledge it. No one will be there with me - at the start or the finish line - to show that I matter to them. I wish someone was with me to hold my hand.
I'm going on my own. My husband and kids went to the other side of the state to visit with his family and friends. I know this is pretty common, and it has its advantages, but it still makes me sad. My whole journey has been largely on my own, without support. In a way, I've been thankful that I've had to do this on my own, because I had to get stronger.
But tonight, in my tears and lonliness, I realized something.
I have come full circle to where I was 30 years ago. I am standing now at that point again. That is what this triathlon means to me. I need to pick up what was dropped 30 years ago.
I was a competitive swimmer. My last year, it became my own thing. I wasn't there because my parents took me, I was there because I wanted to be. It was the year that I realized that everything I did, earned, whatever - everything that mattered - was because of what *I* put into it, not because of a free ride that someone else gave me. I set my own goals, and I worked hard to meet them, surpass them, do whatever it took. I put everything I had into my swimming that year. I qualified for regionals - on a multi-state level.
And no one acknowledged it. I didn't get to go. There was no "I'm sorry, but we can't because of "X"", or "You did a great job this year". Nothing. We moved a couple months later (job changes for my parents), and I wasn't able to continue swimming. I understood at the time that the changes were huge, but it still hurt that no one said anything. The message I took away from that was that I didn't matter. I got this message at other times in my life, but this event was the big one. It's how and why I got to 250 pounds.
But I am a fighter. And I couldn't let go of my dreams.
Here I am again, putting everything I have into this, because it matters to me. And there is no one here to acknowledge it. No one will be there with me - at the start or the finish line - to show that I matter to them. I wish someone was with me to hold my hand.
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Replies
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That's so sad. WHY are your family not there. Did you ask them?0
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Okay that breaks my heart. Wish your family was there with you. Hope you know your MFP "family" is there in spirit. We can't hold your hand but we'll be cheering the loudest from wherever we are. It does matter. You do matter. You have worked so hard for this. You go out & kill it Kathleen. We'll be here waiting to hear about it.0
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I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. My first triathlon is in two days, so I'm going through the range of emotions that comes with that. This has been my dream, the thing I wanted to do for myself, for 25 years. Two years ago I thought I was going to have to let that dream die, but I've brought myself out of where I was, and my dream has come true.
Here I am again, putting everything I have into this, because it matters to me. And there is no one here to acknowledge it. No one will be there with me - at the start or the finish line - to show that I matter to them. I wish someone was with me to hold my hand.
I don't think your family realizes how important this is to you, for that I'm sorry. Is your husband fit? My husband wasn't and when I reached goals he said he was happy for me, but his actions showed otherwise. I'm not saying that's whats happening to you, just sharing my experience.
If I were near you, I would be at the finish line to give you a high five! I can't imagine the strength and will you have to do a triathlon. You are a beast! Your MFP family is there with you in spirit. I'm going to send you a FR so I can be sure to learn of your results. You can do this, I believe in you!0 -
Thanks. I'm feeling a little better this morning because I can keep busy with details today.
I do have a few very good friends who would be there if they could. And my kids would absolutely be the best cheerleaders anyone could hope for. I just can't take them without my husband there as I'd be worried about them and needing to herd them around - they are kids and live in a kid world. And they wanted to go visit their grandparents. My kids do not understand exactly what this means to me (they do know it's important) because I choose to let them be kids and not put my emotional needs on them. They don't know how much I would love to have them there, because to tell them would conflict them as they would be powerless to go and support me if they wanted to, and I don't feel right about what that would say to them about their dad.
Yes, my husband is very aware of what this means to me, but he is not interested. I don't really want/need him to be a part of my day-to-day workout world, but it would be nice if he showed an interest in the milestones. This journey hasn't caused any problems to develop, but it has brought some things to light. He - once-in-a-while - says something postive, but his actions never back it up. Last night he left me a note "sorry I will miss it", but he's really not. His tone of voice/etc have always shown that he doesn't want anything to do with it. Sigh. If he only knew how many athletic, good looking guys I will run into, at something like a 2.5:1 ratio.0 -
so sorry that no one will be there in person for you...hopefully someone will be there in spirit for you
Honestly though i have been there MANY times in my life and have come to realize that not only do bad times make you stronger, but good times also go a VERY long way in making you a much stronger person. Hold on to that thought and do it for YOU....and be happy!!! 
:flowerforyou: 0 -
I wish this was close.. I would be HAPPY to scream you to victory... having said that... realize that we ARE cheering for you...I too have done some things with little or NO family acknowledgement....and I used to think it was me... but its not...and this isn't you.. it is them...YOU have done awesome..YOU deserve to compete...and YOU deserve to feel wonderful.. hang in there sweety0
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