Feeling down — just need to rant

GirlWithCookies

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up. Just eat an entire tray of brownies even though I can't have chocolate, and devour a huge margherita pizza even though I can't have tomato products, and eat an entire pack of breakfast sausage even though processed meats have nitrates. And it's not just the interstitial cystitis restrictions — regardless, those three things would be way high in calories.

And when I do just eat what I want, splurge, or binge, the guilt is horrible. I still do it in secret, too. I'm too ashamed to overeat in front of my boyfriend, even though I usually tell him about it later.

"But you've lost weight!" I know, I know. I should be happy and motivated. I've lost 14.2 pounds from my highest weight of 201 (by the way, this is not reflected on my MyFitnessPal profile because I started at 199 when I began using the website), which many people would think is good. But I'm afraid of being happy about it, because I don't know how to celebrate or reward myself without food! I don't think anyone should be happy for me or proud of me or even notice until I've lost all of the weight.

I imagine if I gain weight back, people will whisper to each other about me and judge me. My family will be disappointed in me. Why, oh why, did I tell my parents I've been losing weight??? I cannot turn the corner at the airport and see the "Of course. She's still fat." look flash across my dad's face again.

Okay, rant over.

(This is a piece of my latest not-MFP-affiliated blog entry.)

NordicAlien

Ack, so much empathy for this. I have days where I think, "Yay, X pounds lost!" and days when I think, "Ugh, it's only X pounds, I'm not going to feel proud of myself until it's all gone." I think it's part of the irritation and even disgust that I still harbor for letting myself get into this state in the first place.

My mom has always been about food rewards. Food has always, ALWAYS been either an enemy or a reward, never just something that you eat to sustain yourself. "Been good on the diet this week? Yay, why not have cream cakes today? It's Sunday, after all..." "If you're good at the doctor's, I'll buy you an ice cream." I love my mom, and in a lot of ways she was a good mother, but one thing I know is that I will never ever use food as a reward with my kids. Or a punishment, for that matter.

The thing that works best for me is to set interim goals - every ten pounds, or every fifteen pounds, or at whatever points seem right to you - and have non-food rewards for them that I decide upon beforehand. (They need to be things that I wouldn't normally buy for myself, so books don't work. *grins*) Stuff like new shoes, or a makeover, or a dress that I've been wanting to buy. I haven't worked them all out yet, this time around - I only started losing weight again a week ago - but I know that when I lose 100 lbs, I get to finally learn to ski. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I've always held off because of my weight. No idea how I'm going to pay for it...but we'll work something out.

It's fine to not want people to make a big deal of it, but it does help most people keep motivated if you have interim goals to strive for, ones that aren't too far off. Makes the journey feel less arduous when you can clearly see the next marker point.

Something that I know a lot of people do is have cheat days, days where they can eat what they want without guilt. These do need to be occasional - birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc - and you need to watch out that "occasional" doesn't turn into once a month and then once a week, but on those days you get to eat what you like, and that seems to help people stay on track the rest of the time. I don't personally do this - my system is sensitised enough that if I eat forbidden foods one time, it sets up the cravings again and I'm miserable for a week or ten days - but I know plenty of folks who do. Although obviously I don't know how serious your problem gets if you eat tomatoes or chocolate, so maybe this isn't a possibility for you.

Anyway, good luck with everything, and feel free to rant away. Weight loss is hard - I know I've been totally crabby all week.

boehle

Never give up.
Log the cookies, brownies, candy, or whatever junk.
Then ask yourself, is it really worth all the calories/carbs?
That is what I do.
Feel free to add me if you need more support.

Boomer_Sooner1972

One day at a time. Or even an hour at a time if that's what you need to do. Also, getting healthy isn't about what others think, but more so about what you think about yourself. Do what makes you happy.

Lizzy622

As with other rants I've seen you told us exactly what you need to do. You need to let yourself be happy about the progress you have made so far. Celebrate but not with food. Buy yourself a new blouse or have your pants tailored so if you start to gain they will be uncomfortable. Learn to be happy you deserve it.

flyingwilbur

You aren't alone. The most important thing is to keep getting back on the bike. . .and maybe find something that is splurgy in another way? I know this sounds simplistic, but my most recent tactic to fight off binge desire is to get fresh berries. Which are way out of my normal price range. So they feel like a treat, and like I'm getting away with something, but they're pretty healthy. Or I'll go on etsy and spend money on something ridiculous but non-edible.

I think fixes are different for different people, but you definitely aren't alone in your feeling. Stick with it, and when you slip up, just start again the next day.

FindingMyself24

I feel like i relate to you so much...i have been telling people i am trying to lose weight forever now....and i am constantly feeling under pressure and judged by others....every time we go back home to visit i feel like people are looking at me to see if I have lost more weight or not....i feel like they just see how fat i still am....I have been in a rut for a while...i was doing pretty awesome...but i keep gaining and losing the same 10 pounds over and over again...we keep going on long vacations and its messing me up...im great at first but then i end up eating bad....also ive noticed that if i eat bad it messes up my whole week...i will eat bad everyday and say to myself oh ill just do better next week....but it keeps happening and i keep gaining and losing the same weight...its frustrating...ive lost my motivation so many times i should be ashamed....but one thing is for sure...i have NOT given up...i am going to keep pushing and eventually ill get past this rut....and ill be looking great and ill prove to not only myself but those who doubted/ judged me too!

GirlWithCookies

Thank you, everyone, for the support. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who stresses are these types of things. Sometimes the negative thoughts just become a tailspin and get away from you and you think you're crazy for lamenting over food. Thank you thank you thank you.