One Year Ago Today

bettersusan

One year ago today, I was just an unhappy gal. I felt frustrated and without hope. I was 5'4 and 189 pounds. I was wearing size 16 and XL (or more). One year ago today I couldn't imagine being where I am now. I didn't dare even dream it. I HATED looking in the mirror. I felt ugly & unattractive. I remember thinking...if only I could lose 10 pounds, how much better I would feel. I remember my husband telling me about a formal we needed to attend and how horrible everything I tried on looked on me. I remember tears of frustration and the anger I had inside of me, toward myself. I just hated my body. I wasn't used to being that size and I didn't want to get used to it. I just felt stuck though. I tried to attend WW meetings. That had worked for me before. My husband was out of town SO often though. Attending with 2 very small children was next to impossible. I'd lose a few pounds and then slip back. I felt old and sluggish and my feet hurt. Then I went to visit my sister at the end of July. She just looked SO great. She'd lost 18 pounds on MFP and she was a former WW girl herself. I asked her about MFP but had ZERO confidence in myself. I WISHED I could lose weight, but that was only a ridiculous dream. I mean, I tried and failed SO many times before. I kept thinking about it though. The whole 2 hour drive home, I thought about it. If I could ONLY lose 10 pounds, maybe I could at least wear SOME of my old clothes again. I didn't want to try though because I didn't want to fail and FEEL like a big failure again. I couldn't make another commitment. It seemed like such an overwhelming and impossible task.

I had always struggled with my weight, but usually stayed in the 170's. I weighed 228 after giving birth to my first child. With a lot of hard work, I managed to get back down to "normal" a year afer having him. After child #2, I was close to the same weight. Before I could get all the baby weight off, I ended up pregnant again. Then that baby died as I was going into my second trimester. I was SO sad and depressed and I felt old, ugly, unhealthy, digusted with my body. On top of it all, I'd gone through all those weeks of pregnancy for nothing. (This was mis-carriage #4 for me, by the way. I lost three others inbetween my two boys).

August 1st, 2009. Steve was out of town. It was summer and the boys were with me 24/7. I thought about MFP but hadn't decided anything. As I sat in front of the computer that day, feeling fat, miserable and agitated with myself, I got curious about this website. Before I knew what was happening, I just did it. I signed up. I had no confidence and made no promises expect for that day. The day was half over already but I put in what I ate anyway. I started reading YOUR stories and found SO much I could relate to. YOU ALL inspired me, along with my sister. I did ONE DAY. The next day, I did that ONE DAY. There were days I literally made myself wait for another hour or so before eating in order to pace my hungry self. I just wanted bedtime to come so I could go to bed and when I DID go to bed, I felt successful.

At first my goal was 170, but then I thought, though it seemed crazy to me, I wanted to be honest and write down my REAL goal. I figured I'd just shoot for the moon. After all, it was just dreaming anyway, right? I changed it to 135. It was 9 pounds into the "normal weight" range and I wondered what I would even look like if I weighed that.

It has definately been a journey and I have had my ups and downs. I started into "unknown territory" for me around December and struggled slowly through the holidays. I always logged though. I always tried to be very honest with myself. This summer has been a big challenge too with LOTS of traveling and being in different places. I'm not where I want to be yet. I haven't arrived, but I HAVE changed my life.

Today, one year later.... I weigh 152. This is less then I have weighed ever in my adult life. I don't have my pediatric records, but I think I hit the 150's at around age 11 or 12. I actually weigh 23 pounds LESS than when I got married. I wear SIZE 10 now and either a Medium or Large top (I'm still pretty big busted). The clothes that seemed like an impossible dream to fit into...I passed them up long ago. They are HUGE on me. IT's so strange. I ran a 5K back in the Spring. I hope to do my first 10K in the fall. How did I get here? One tiny decision at a time. Will I stay here? That will depend on those seemingly small decisions too. Each and every small decision takes us somewhere, some direction. I know I don't EVER want to go back. I feel good aout myself. I feel younger and healthier and attractive again. My feet don't hurt anymore!! I have lost 37 pounds to date....

KrissyD70

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I really needed that today. I am feeling discouraged after losing 13 pounds in a month and getting on the scale to find I have gained a pound after all that hard work this last week. Don't get me wrong, I have 60 more pounds to lose, but you really inspired me to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if necessary. Thank you so much for your post. It helps me more than you can even know......or maybe you do know.

FabulousFifty

:happy: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT JOB! AND....Thanks so much for sharing your journey! That is just awesome and really encourages all of us......when you get closer to that goal weight you tend to "stall" more often and can be discouraging......I am going to keep on keeping on! I want to share my success story one day. I am well on my way! Thanks again for encouraging all of us! A size 10 in 2010 is my ultimate goal. Have fun shopping for your new wardrobe! You deserve it! :flowerforyou:

dumb_blondes_rock

honestly, this message was extremely powerful. It shows that it is a one day at a time kid of thing, and that it isn't easy. I also had 2 miscarrages within a year(both were in the second trimester, dnc's) and in that year i was so depressed and gained 35 pounds, so I DEF can relate. I'm so glad you were able to reach your mini goals and realize you COULD make it to your final goal weight!. The stories on here are very motivating because we all think that we are the ONLY ones with certain problems, come on here and find that THOUSANDS have the same exact issues as we do. So glad your friend introduced you here and i feel blessed to have read your story:)

themommie

thank you so much for your post. It helps remind us to take it one day at a time. To break our goals down into mini goals that dont seem so impossible. And Congrats on your weight loss what an accomplishment, you should be proud of yourself

april522

This is just such an awesome story! Truly inspiring!

AmandaJ

Thank you so much for sharing your story as it seems that every day is a struggle for me. I really needed this today!! :flowerforyou:

Congratulations on your weight loss and for coming this far, you are doing awesome!

Sherry1979

CONGRATS!!!! to you on the awesome weight loss. . .and THANK YOU so much for sharing your story. It is so inspirational and I love to hear about others doing so good. . .it gives me even more hope that I can reach my goals!!!

Lisamarie1226

One day at a time...sometimes you have to break it down into one hour at a time. That's how I deal with my stress at work and that's how I deal with my emotional eating (again, due to the stress at work). Thank you for sharing this story and for reminding us that it's okay to not focus solely on the "big picture" but to realize that it takes baby steps to get there.

PLUMSGRL

you made me cry, thank-you!

mamaDaisyJ

Just have to add my thanks in here. You are an inspiration, and a wonderful writer! It does truly take just one day to start and we have to take each one that follows the same way. Congrats on the 5K too, did you do the C25K?

ladybug91254

What a totally, completely inspirational story! I think most of us have felt the way you started out and to see you put it into words, how you struggled with your inner demons...it will help every one of us get through the hard days. Thank you for taking the time to tell this. And good luck with the rest of your journey...I'm sure you will do as great as you have to this point!

LainMac

Great post. Very inspirational.

bettersusan

Krissy,

I'm glad what I wrote inspired you. Believe me, I have had my share of ups and downs! I even discovered that sometimes when I did everything perfectly right, I would gain some, but if I kept doing what was right, it would always be followed by a drop. Now I know my body works that way and I almost embrace the bump up in the scale...knowing a drop is coming. There have been other times when I was up a little because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to. I'll tell you something that helps me...if I have been traveling or something and haven't logged for a day or two and know I've not eaten great...I will make myself drink 3-4 glasses of water the following morning before I eat or drnk anything else. That really seems to helps get me on track.

I did lose fast at first too, but I hit my share of plateaus and sometimes just moved at a snail's pace if at all. Just remember, the turtoise won the race. IT also reminds me that this is a lifestyle, not a quick fix. You can do this. Just take it one day at a time. Do the right things and it WILL catch up with you!

Susan