What to do about my beer loving hubby?
healthy4life4mykids
Posts: 84
in Chit-Chat
Yes I am going to ask advice here as everyone in my family has been around my husband and our situation and cannot be objective about things.
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually. He used to get really drunk and we would fight constantly about it (I hate when people act sloppy drunk I just can't stand it), he knew I was going to leave so he doesn't let it get that bad anymore, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
1. Of course I'm concerned for his health.
2. He has been to AA and admitted to a problem years ago, but now says he knows he will never really quit, but can handle it responsibly and cut back. Wondering how long till it gets out of hand? He will not say if he is an alcoholic. I really don't know if he is either, anymore.
3. The most important, we have kids who watch him do this. I hate it. He goes to bed so early cause of the drinking it takes time away from the kids. I can't leave my kids with him because I don't trust he will watch them while inebriated. I also have to drive him around like a child because he has a CDL and his license IS his job, he would be fired immediately if he got a DUI and I'm a stay at home mom so there would go our life. He is an okay dad otherwise.
4. I am a stay at home mom mostly because I feel like I cannot get a job because then he would be responsible for watching the kids at least part of the time. If he drove drunk with them or something happened to them I could not forgive myself and would probably go to jail for killing him. Seriously.
What the heck do I do? I am so tired of overthinking this issue I would appreciate some outside help at this point. I am seeking counseling and am starting Mon also. I feel so stuck as to my choices I have. I have family close, but they would not be open to letting us stay there if it got bad, I already brought it up and my mom was pretty clear of her feeling.
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually. He used to get really drunk and we would fight constantly about it (I hate when people act sloppy drunk I just can't stand it), he knew I was going to leave so he doesn't let it get that bad anymore, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
1. Of course I'm concerned for his health.
2. He has been to AA and admitted to a problem years ago, but now says he knows he will never really quit, but can handle it responsibly and cut back. Wondering how long till it gets out of hand? He will not say if he is an alcoholic. I really don't know if he is either, anymore.
3. The most important, we have kids who watch him do this. I hate it. He goes to bed so early cause of the drinking it takes time away from the kids. I can't leave my kids with him because I don't trust he will watch them while inebriated. I also have to drive him around like a child because he has a CDL and his license IS his job, he would be fired immediately if he got a DUI and I'm a stay at home mom so there would go our life. He is an okay dad otherwise.
4. I am a stay at home mom mostly because I feel like I cannot get a job because then he would be responsible for watching the kids at least part of the time. If he drove drunk with them or something happened to them I could not forgive myself and would probably go to jail for killing him. Seriously.
What the heck do I do? I am so tired of overthinking this issue I would appreciate some outside help at this point. I am seeking counseling and am starting Mon also. I feel so stuck as to my choices I have. I have family close, but they would not be open to letting us stay there if it got bad, I already brought it up and my mom was pretty clear of her feeling.
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Replies
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This is so sad. I was raised with an Alcoholic mother. They will not change unless THEY want to. But, you must do the best for your kids and yourself, and even if that means leaving him. It truly affected my childhood.0
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This is so sad. I was raised with an Alcoholic mother. They will not change unless THEY want to. But, you must do the best for your kids and yourself, and even if that means leaving him. It truly affected my childhood.
I am sorry for you and hope you have healed. My question has always been, HOW do I leave? He would at least get joint custody, he is the "responsible" one with the good job, etc. Then he will have the kids, and if he isn't stopping for them now surely he won't then? It would be my worst nightmare!0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.0 -
I would approach it more as lost family time rather than too much drinking. Maybe he will respond to that? Take turns each weekend for a family member to pick an activity (hike, picnic, bike riding or whatever and the night-time board games, movies, etc?0
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honestly you can't do anything until he wants to change. in my experience alcoholics, if this is truly what is at play here, are usually not ready to change until they lose absolutely everything. I have had a relationship end due to alcohol use because I know I cannot change anyone. unfortunately neither can you.0
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My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
over 40 beers a week every week does sound excessive.:frown:0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
over 40 beers a week every week does sound excessive.:frown:
I agree. And with half that only in two days, well you can imagine that our weekends are not too wonderful.0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
An average of 6 beers a day? That's a lot.0 -
This is so sad. I was raised with an Alcoholic mother. They will not change unless THEY want to. But, you must do the best for your kids and yourself, and even if that means leaving him. It truly affected my childhood.
I am sorry for you and hope you have healed. My question has always been, HOW do I leave? He would at least get joint custody, he is the "responsible" one with the good job, etc. Then he will have the kids, and if he isn't stopping for them now surely he won't then? It would be my worst nightmare!
You need to look into how to get full custody when the other parent is a substance abuser. You are far from being the only person who has ever had this problem. Find out what your legal options are.0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
over 40 beers a week every week does sound excessive.:frown:
I agree that it sounds like a lot but not necessarily an indicator of alcoholic behavior. however, the fact that he often "seems" inebriated is disconcerting.0 -
I highly recommend you find a local Al-Anon (sp?) meeting. This will be a great support group for you.
I don't have any advice beyond that.
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My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
Well, you said a six pack 2-3 times per week, which is 12-18 beers, plus around 20 on the weekend, which equals 32-38 beers/week. TO ME, no that is not a lot.
If the beer is being slammed, and then he is heading straight to bed, then yes that is a problem. If it is over a long period of time, I don't see it as much of an issue...other than you saying he gets overly drunk.
I'd like to hear his side of the story.0 -
There's not much you can do to help him. You can explain to him how his drinking is affecting your family but it's up to him to take action to change. My husband has also struggled with alcoholism. The past few months he's been doing very well and he feels so much better and has even lost about 30 lbs. He went to a treatment facility a few years ago and it really helped him. It didn't "cure" him but it forced him to deal with things in his past that he was trying to forget about by drinking. We don't have kids right now but we are trying to get pregnant. If you are in a position where you don't feel safe leaving your kids in his care then you should think about giving him an ultimatum to sober up or move out. But be prepared for a huge blow out and he might just leave. You will just have to be strong enough to deal with the consequences of him leaving. It won't be easy. Good luck!0
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I know you said you fight about it, but would he agree to go to counseling with you?
I am a teacher and I see kids every day who are negatively impacted by their parents drinking/drugging. If you don't take steps to remove your children from this poisonous situation, then you are a part of the problem.
Re: custody, Consult an attorney. Find a female attorney who specializes in family law.0 -
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
He needs help and must want help.
No one can make a decision for you. Just offer advice....
Just do what is in the best interest of the children and your well being.
I am speaking from experience.
I'm a single dad with full legal and physical custody of the kids.
For us this is the direction we had to take.
The kids would be left in the vehicle while she was in the bar, almost run over someone walking down the road, etc.
I could go on and on.....
It sounds like by his own admission he will always drink.
Good luck:flowerforyou:0 -
Get a job and hire someone else to watch your kids if he can't be trusted. Save your money and move out.
He will not change unless he wants to . Maybe if he sees you are serious he will do something about it but
you need to do what's right for you and your kids.0 -
Your going to get mixed answers. To me thats a lot. Yet I don't drink- I hate drunk people and drinking almost all together.
Yet I married a marine... A marine that was in 4 years when married. Been on deployments and so on. He used to drink all the time, party all the time and can hold a lot of drinks.
He used to and still does think 4-6 beers is nothing a night. We fought for the first few years of marriage because of it. Esp with our babygirl too. I never wanted to leave her with him. He would also drink vodka. That stuff would turn him mean as hell. He eventually learned that when others told him he was a mean vodka drunk, and I was not the evil wife making things up. He no longer drinks that.
It's 5 years since we married. I gave and he gave. He will buy a 6 pack sometimes for the week (even I will buy it if he's having a bad week) He will drink 1-2 beers for that night. Nothing the next night maybe 1 the next and so on. If we go to dinner I will usually be okay with him getting a beer. Eventually I learned he likes his beer and a few is okay...and he learned that I'm fine with it as long as he acts like adult and doesnt take it to far ALL the time.
Best advice. Talk to him. Find a middle ground.0 -
The definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks daily and cannot quit. They can even take a week off on occasion, but not quit entirely without help. It doesn't matter if it's one beer a day or a six-pack on the weekend. Your husband is clearly an alcoholic. I'm a nurse. I've seen the devastating effects of alcohol on bodies and lives and families. The barriers are complex. Please find an Al-Anon meeting for families of alcoholics. You can look it up online and find a meeting near you. They can answer your questions and give you relevant advice from families who have been through it. How many years of this do you want to have or WORSE - how many years do you want your children to have?0
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it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married....
He has been to AA and admitted to a problem years ago, but now says he knows he will never really quit, but can handle it responsibly and cut back....
I can't leave my kids with him because I don't trust he will watch them while inebriated...
I am a stay at home mom mostly because I feel like I cannot get a job because then he would be responsible for watching the kids at least part of the time. If he drove drunk with them or something happened to them I could not forgive myself and would probably go to jail for killing him. Seriously....
Do me (and yourself) a huge favor and read these parts again VERY closely.
Yes he is an alcoholic.
You knew this when you decided to marry him.
Why are you trying to change him now?
Why did you continue to have children with someone you do not trust enough to watch said children?
Okay those two questions aren't fair. What's done is done.
He needs to get help. He needs to hit rock bottom, a wake up call. He needs to realize what he is risking. There is nothing you can do about it, especially if you are never finding work and driving him around all the time so he doesn't get DUI's. I won't go so far to say that you're enabling him, but you are accepting his behavior and creating an environment that doesn't force him to change, so why would he?
Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't trust him around your children alone. Maybe take the kids away some stay with someone else for a month or so. You have to make the situation clear to him. Go to an AA meeting with him. Just because he says he's not an alcoholic doesn't mean it's true.
I wish you the best of luck.0 -
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
He needs help and must want help.
No one can make a decision for you. Just offer advice....
Just do what is in the best interest of the children and your well being.
I am speaking from experience.
I'm a single dad with full legal and physical custody of the kids.
For us this is the direction we had to take.
The kids would be left in the vehicle while she was in the bar, almost run over someone walking down the road, etc.
I could go on and on.....
It sounds like by his own admission he will always drink.
Good luck:flowerforyou:
Oh my god. That is exactly my fear. So your kids never see their mom? I'm afraid that's what I would have to do and they would hate me for it. They love their dad.0 -
Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?0 -
it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married....
He has been to AA and admitted to a problem years ago, but now says he knows he will never really quit, but can handle it responsibly and cut back....
I can't leave my kids with him because I don't trust he will watch them while inebriated...
I am a stay at home mom mostly because I feel like I cannot get a job because then he would be responsible for watching the kids at least part of the time. If he drove drunk with them or something happened to them I could not forgive myself and would probably go to jail for killing him. Seriously....
Do me (and yourself) a huge favor and read these parts again VERY closely.
Yes he is an alcoholic.
You knew this when you decided to marry him.
Why are you trying to change him now?
Why did you continue to have children with someone you do not trust enough to watch said children?
Okay those two questions aren't fair. What's done is done.
He needs to get help. He needs to hit rock bottom, a wake up call. He needs to realize what he is risking. There is nothing you can do about it, especially if you are never finding work and driving him around all the time so he doesn't get DUI's. I won't go so far to say that you're enabling him, but you are accepting his behavior and creating an environment that doesn't force him to change, so why would he?
Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't trust him around your children alone. Maybe take the kids away some stay with someone else for a month or so. You have to make the situation clear to him. Go to an AA meeting with him. Just because he says he's not an alcoholic doesn't mean it's true.
I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you. I know I am enabling him, but I am doing so to protect our kids. But I am realizing through reading these posts that I am not protecting them by letting them be around this behavior. And I will be honest, I married him because I got pregnant at 20 and had no health insurance and was pressured by his family to do so. HIs drinking got far far worse after we married.0 -
I've seen the Al-Anon suggestion which is a good idea. You might have to find the "right" group for you though. So don't be upset if the first group doesn't "fit" for you.
Also, you need to start documenting EVERYTHING. If there are others present and can be counted on to be a witness for you, then you're going to have to include them in your documentation. I'm not joking document, document, document. This will probably feel traitorous and you can count on facing fallout from family members when you're found out. But, if this is as bad as you say, that's going to be your only weapon. (I hesitated calling it that but couldn't think of a better word, sorry to anyone out there who reads this and believes I'm bashing, I'm not.)
Good luck.0 -
So he drinks when he doesn't work, and he has you drive him around when he is drinking? I don't know I don't think its a problem.. of course I am from a huge alcoholic state where drinking on the weekends (during the day/at night) is pretty normal. And 6 beers is like a drop in the bucket.
But I would definitely talk to him about it and bring up the kids etc, you said your a stay at home mom, maybe he is stressed with supporting the family and drinks as well.. communication..0 -
There is no easy fix here, I wish I had one.
I am sorry for you and hope you have healed. My question has always been, HOW do I leave? He would at least get joint custody, he is the "responsible" one with the good job, etc. Then he will have the kids, and if he isn't stopping for them now surely he won't then? It would be my worst nightmare!
Ann Landers used to say "Ask yourself, are u better off with him or without him?"0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
To me, that is alot. I would be upset and feeling the same way you are. If he won't change, then it may be time to get the resources together to move on and move out with your children. To me they are the ones that need to be protected and are losing their innocents while watching their father drink himself to oblivion. I hope you find the strength to get yourself out of this situation!0 -
I've seen the Al-Anon suggestion which is a good idea. You might have to find the "right" group for you though. So don't be upset if the first group doesn't "fit" for you.
Also, you need to start documenting EVERYTHING. If there are others present and can be counted on to be a witness for you, then you're going to have to include them in your documentation. I'm not joking document, document, document. This will probably feel traitorous and you can count on facing fallout from family members when you're found out. But, if this is as bad as you say, that's going to be your only weapon. (I hesitated calling it that but couldn't think of a better word, sorry to anyone out there who reads this and believes I'm bashing, I'm not.)
Good luck.
I have never thought about doing that. Thank you.0 -
Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?
1.5 bottles per night every night? I try not to label anything as alcoholic behavior based on anecdotal evidence from the internet.... but yes, I would consider that to be excessive.0 -
Just to throw this out there…..
Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior (limited information provided), I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.
OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.
edited to clarify0
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