Struggling with doing it for ME

sweets7664

I have been back and forth so many times with exercising and eating right. I've realized that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and do this for only me, but I am having a hard time putting that into force if that makes sense.

Example: today is my birthday.. Not that it has anything to do with it, but we have in the past kind of made birthdays a pretty important day around here. I got dressed up, full make up and hair, and felt pretty damn good about myself, and do you think my husband had one nice compliment to send my way? We went out to eat and had a few drinks, and afterwards, when I tried to show a little bit of affection, I got a dirty look and "will you just stop it?"

Talk about a shot to the self esteem. He didn't used to be that way, and I really think I am just an embarrassment to him. I am fat, I am not even remotely attractive, but jeez, isn't he supposed to love me unconditionally? I feel like I love him for all of his flaws, why is it not the same in return?

This TRULY is not a "woe is me" or PVM post...it's really not. I just wanna know how you went from doing it for others to doing it for yourself. I always start out thinking I'm doing it for me, but then stuff like this happens and I think "why even bother"?

Help me figure out how to do this for ME!

bridgie101

I have been back and forth so many times with exercising and eating right. I've realized that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and do this for only me, but I am having a hard time putting that into force if that makes sense.

Example: today is my birthday.. Not that it has anything to do with it, but we have in the past kind of made birthdays a pretty important day around here. I got dressed up, full make up and hair, and felt pretty damn good about myself, and do you think my husband had one nice compliment to send my way? We went out to eat and had a few drinks, and afterwards, when I tried to show a little bit of affection, I got a dirty look and "will you just stop it?"

Talk about a shot to the self esteem. He didn't used to be that way, and I really think I am just an embarrassment to him. I am fat, I am not even remotely attractive, but jeez, isn't he supposed to love me unconditionally? I feel like I love him for all of his flaws, why is it not the same in return?

This TRULY is not a "woe is me" or PVM post...it's really not. I just wanna know how you went from doing it for others to doing it for yourself. I always start out thinking I'm doing it for me, but then stuff like this happens and I think "why even bother"?

Help me figure out how to do this for ME!

I had a husband like that. Note the past tense.

17 yrs. And for the last 15 of them he did not find me attractive. I was maybe 80kg. What's that? 170lb?

I felt lower than dirt. All those years. I was actually quite sexy in my way, but not to him. No. To him I was untouchable.

then I got out. After a bit of a crisis I'm doing it all for me.

It's easier with him out of the picture because dieting doesn't mean that all the grief and humiliation come back to swamp me.

I think you have to reevaluate yourself. Maybe go for a holiday by yourself to a nice beach house. Alone.

Just get some mojo back. When you're in touch with your core, or centre or whatever people call it, you sail through life and see other people's rubbish as simply being a sign of where they're at, rather than you.

MexicanOsmosis

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel? You're telling a bunch of strangers, but not providing this information to the one person you SHOULD be telling. Communication is key in any relationship.

As for finding out how to do this for you...Only YOU can figure that part out. I wish I could be more helpful, but the problem is that I would only be able to tell you why I do it for me.

Inner_Goddess

Go look in the mirror and find 5 things YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU! I had the same issue with the husband and I no longer give a flying *uck about what he thinks.

I AM WORTH IT! I want to look good naked! Not just passable, but I want to look good for me. I want to look into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am as SEXY physically as I feel mentally. I want to feel more sexy than I do now. I want to be able to turn heads.

I stopped caring about what he said. It's some of his comments and actions that have fueled this inside me. Just know that you can do this!!

seventwenty

It sounds like you had a tough day. We all have tough day. The good news is that it's just one day, if you treat it as just one day. For now, go to sleep. You get a new day tomorrow.

In the morning, write down all the reasons why you want to get healthy, from the most vapid and shallow reasons (I want to make my husband jealous when another guy looks at me) to the most meaningful reasons (I want to be able to play with my grandkids if/when the day comes). Put that list somewhere you're to see it. More importantly, put that list in a place you're guaranteed to see it when you're lacking motivation.

twistygirl

I suck at it just like you, but when it comes to weight loss it is you and you alone who determines how bad you want it. On a bright note you just might lose the weight and leave that fool.

Stage14

Honestly, you have two separate problems here. 1. You want/need to lose weight. 2. You believe that your husband finds you completely unattractive and is embarrassed by you. Losing all the weight in the world won't solve problem number 2, and as long as you believe problem 2 is caused by problem 1, you're going to have resentment and anger, and that is going to make it harder to succeed.

Talk to your husband, look into couples' counseling, do something about your marriage. When you love yourself and are happy, then doing it "for you" will come much more easily because you truly WIlL be doing it for you rather than doing really for your husband while doing it in spite of him.

MexicanOsmosis

Honestly, you have two separate problems here. 1. You want/need to lose weight. 2. You believe that your husband finds you completely unattractive and is embarrassed by you. Losing all the weight in the world won't solve problem number 2, and as long as you believe problem 2 is caused by problem 1, you're going to have resentment and anger, and that is going to make it harder to succeed.

Talk to your husband, look into couples' counseling, do something about your marriage. When you love yourself and are happy, then doing it "for you" will come much more easily because you truly WIlL be doing it for you rather than doing really for your husband while doing it in spite of him.

^This. What you believe and what is actually going on may be different. Better advice than the automatic response of "leave him" that always seems to pop up from the very beginning...

BrittanyHarrington1015

When my husband acts like a jerk, I use it as motivation to go to the gym. I figure that the more I'm treated like crap, the hotter I'll get, and if he pushes me too far, he won't be able to touch me, even when I've reached my goal and I'll know that I look good. You are beautiful love, use it to your advantage. If he can't see you for how great you are, then make sure you're all you can be and at your best and throw it all in his face. He'll realize your worth, hopefully before he loses you.

1longroad

First off, Happy Birthday!!! When did your husbands attitude change? Are you losing weight because of his attitude, or did his attitude change because you are losing weight!

If you are trying to lose weight to make your husband happy, it will never work and even at that point, he wont treat you better. You need to make a list of the reason you want to lose weight for yourself.

Health
Appearance
Energy etc.

Only you can make your list!! Be brutally honest with yourself!!! Then, keep on doing what you have done to lose your 12 poinds and read your list to remind yourself of why you are ding this!! That is doing it for you!!!

sweets7664

Thank you everyone for your honest points of view. I truly did not want anyone to sugar coat anything, and it is so refreshing to hear /read honest opinions.

txcraftr

I'm sorry to hear you are sad on your birthday. Men just are not in touch with feelings. They are visual. That doesn't make them bad people but it stinks when they marry you for better or worse and then renig on their promise.

I have been where you are for a long, long time. I have been feeling really depressed for a few weeks because I cannot find a job and then I want to eat for my feelings. I got a second wind last night and found myself someone who I can look up to and even contact if I need to. I watched The Biggest Loser a few seasons ago and Hannah and Olivia, who are sisters, weighed just about what I weigh. Hannah won 1st place losing 129 pounds and Olivia was right behind her in second place with 122 pounds lost. I have made Hannah my wallpaper so every day when I turn on my computer there she is, BIG and little, before and after. I know I can't lose as fast as they did because I can't do as much hard work in a day as they did. I figured out that they lost about 5,5 pounds a week for 22 weeks. I feel I can lose 2 pounds a week in that time. They have a web site called Myfitspiration.com. They are on facebook and twitter and they love answering questions from people trying to lose weight. They also have quite a few UTube videos under myfitspiration. They are just normal women and they are funny and want to help.

I have the same problem as you, I start out doing well for myself and then I lose my motivation and just figure what is the use. Well, every time I quit I feel worse. I want to keep going and get the weight off this time. I am trying to set up a no-fail way for myself. I'm keeping a food diary here on MFP and exercise every day unless I'm downright sick. I'm going to give myself a goal like a new blouse or pants in a smaller size or a new haircut or mani-pedi. I get 1 point for every 1/2 hour of exercise, 1 point for staying at or below my calorie leve each dayl, 1/4 of a point for every time I have a craving for something I should not eat and I don't eat it or I trade it for something healthy like an apple. I'm thinking up new points right now. When I get 100 points I can get something on my goal list. I also have a good friend who I met on this site and we help each other. I also just joined the Biggest Loser Challenge group. It is from October 1 to December 31. If I can stay on track during all those candy eating holidays it should be a snap to keep going. You can friend me if you want and we can help each other.

Happy Birthday, what is left of it and tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Make it better for YOU!!

Stage14

Honestly, you have two separate problems here. 1. You want/need to lose weight. 2. You believe that your husband finds you completely unattractive and is embarrassed by you. Losing all the weight in the world won't solve problem number 2, and as long as you believe problem 2 is caused by problem 1, you're going to have resentment and anger, and that is going to make it harder to succeed.

Talk to your husband, look into couples' counseling, do something about your marriage. When you love yourself and are happy, then doing it "for you" will come much more easily because you truly WIlL be doing it for you rather than doing really for your husband while doing it in spite of him.

^This. What you believe and what is actually going on may be different. Better advice than the automatic response of "leave him" that always seems to pop up from the very beginning...

Thanks. I think it's easy to jump on the "ooh girl, you need to leave his butt!" Bandwagon when you're a total stranger hearing one side of the story, but it's rarely helpful. And I'm the first to admit that 9 times out of 10, when I'm pissed at my husband, I'm really pissed that he didn't do/say/respond how *I* would have and I'm psychoanalysing what his response would mean if *I* were him. Men aren't mind readers, and as much as we'd like to believe otherwise, neither are women.

Is it possible her husband is a grade A *kitten*? Sure. But I don't think one upset post is enough to make that judgement, and I think the advice to use it to get hot "in spite of him" or allow that anger to fester as "motivation" is just bad pop psychology.

sweets7664

And I just want to say that I often get that "I'll show him!" attitude. But then this crap happens and I get shot down and blah! I just wanna be able to not care! I hate to say it, but we've only been married a little over a year, a second marriage for us both. This shouldn't be happening already, right?

I have had others tell me I look nice and such, but the only opinion that is mattering is his. And I don't want it to be that way!

sweets7664

Yes, this is Exactly it! For better or worse!

I'm sorry to hear you are sad on your birthday. Men just are not in touch with feelings. They are visual. That doesn't make them bad people but it stinks when they marry you for better or worse and then renig on their promise.





Happy Birthday, what is left of it and tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Make it better for YOU!!

bridgie101

And I just want to say that I often get that "I'll show him!" attitude. But then this crap happens and I get shot down and blah! I just wanna be able to not care! I hate to say it, but we've only been married a little over a year, a second marriage for us both. This shouldn't be happening already, right?

I have had others tell me I look nice and such, but the only opinion that is mattering is his. And I don't want it to be that way!

have you packed on the podge recently, or were you this size when you met him? Guys spend a lot of time chuntering down at the pub about women who get married and then turn sumo.

They're already scared of it, they're already resentful of it, their backs are up.

I never could diet in order to 'show' him. I always fizzled. The anger would die, and then the energy would go.

The other thing that happened was I would get horny, basically, and then I would get depressed about him never going near me again, and it would all just turn to custard and finally I would just throw all my energy into the children and ignore it some more.

sweets7664

OMG. Are you my twin?

I haven't packed on much more weight since we first met. We lived together for several years before we were married, so I kind of feel, though it may be wrong, that he knew what he was getting into.

See? There I go again! Making it all about him! I want this to me about me!!

Edited to add : REJECTION FROM THE ONE YOU LOVE SUCKS!

And I just want to say that I often get that "I'll show him!" attitude. But then this crap happens and I get shot down and blah! I just wanna be able to not care! I hate to say it, but we've only been married a little over a year, a second marriage for us both. This shouldn't be happening already, right?

I have had others tell me I look nice and such, but the only opinion that is mattering is his. And I don't want it to be that way!

have you packed on the podge recently, or were you this size when you met him? Guys spend a lot of time chuntering down at the pub about women who get married and then turn sumo.

They're already scared of it, they're already resentful of it, their backs are up.

I never could diet in order to 'show' him. I always fizzled. The anger would die, and then the energy would go.

The other thing that happened was I would get horny, basically, and then I would get depressed about him never going near me again, and it would all just turn to custard and finally I would just throw all my energy into the children and ignore it some more.

Kevalicious99

Even though I am a guy .. what your husband did is just rude. But then again .. I was married once and I did some rude things. But I don't think ever quite like that. I always felt that my ex wife was hot and sexy. Still do .. but we had our issues and things pretty much fell apart.

So .. happy birthday and your husband really needs to improve that attitude.

anemoneprose

I just wanna know how you went from doing it for others to doing it for yourself. I always start out thinking I'm doing it for me, but then stuff like this happens and I think "why even bother"?

Help me figure out how to do this for ME!

Why bother:

- Because you need to be healthy so you can be around for your kids for a good long while.

- Not only that - you want to model appropriate self-care for them. They need to learn that lesson, and they will learn it from you.

- Because the truth is, for reasons that are not fair or right, people who are not overweight have an easier time going through life. This is true around the important things (not having to deal with that bias in a job interview), as well as the less-important things (being able to buy sales clothes and not stressing that your size won't be there; clothes shopping, generally).

sweets7664

I just wanna know how you went from doing it for others to doing it for yourself. I always start out thinking I'm doing it for me, but then stuff like this happens and I think "why even bother"?

Help me figure out how to do this for ME!

Why bother:

- Because you need to be healthy so you can be around for your kids for a good long while.

- Not only that - you want to model appropriate self-care for them. They need to learn that lesson, and they will learn it from you.

- Because the truth is, for reasons that are not fair or right, people who are not overweight have an easier time going through life. This is true around the important things (not having to deal with that bias in a job interview), as well as the less-important things (being able to buy sales clothes and not stressing that your size won't be there; clothes shopping, generally).

Thank you. I appreciate this more than you know.

anemoneprose

And I just want to say that I often get that "I'll show him!" attitude. But then this crap happens and I get shot down and blah! I just wanna be able to not care! I hate to say it, but we've only been married a little over a year, a second marriage for us both. This shouldn't be happening already, right?

Definitely not, no Sorry.. It sounds like the reaction he showed happens a lot? From your description, it sounds like contempt. if that is what it is, some research shows that once it's expressed, it is highly predictive of divorce.

Man, I hate to say it, but I would just cut my losses. We get so much suffering in life anyway, no reason for it to be there at home. Sure get counselling, but for yourself.

When I was in my crappy relationship, I tried to do things for myself, but was unable to invest the right kind of intention or energy to make them work. Totally different now. Best of luck.

edit - no problem, seriously, good luck xo

edit 2: it could totally not be contempt, i have no idea. maybe it's something else, and rooted in him. or communication styles, idk. whichever, it needs to be addressed. speaking for myself, i would not waste too much more of my life trying to make something work that didn't.