Is it a bad thing to tell your loved one they are getting re

isislc

Ok now, I know I'm no skinny minny and today I was just so frustrated at all my hubby to be's excuses as to why he is sick. I just came right out and told him, "I'm not the image of godlihood and I don't mean to be blunt about it but did it ever occur to you that the reason you're having all these health problems is because you're really starting to get so damn fat!?" Yes, it did sound as bad as you're reading it but I hate watching him treat himself that way and I can't help but feel that he's doing it for attention because I now have everyone who lives with me on some form of diet but him.

The one person I have worried the most over the years has been my daughter. She is 4' 9" and weighs about 345lbs, developed tons of bad habits when she was living with my mom and I could never get her to change. Now that she has seen all the work I've put in and a failed attempt at dieting last year, she is finally on track with eating right and to quit smoking! My scale doesn't go that high but it is quite obvious that she has lost a lot of weight so far. I'm guessing it's at LEAST 10 lbs in just this first week. She has made an attempt at jogging with my son and doing stair work but I keep her limited because I don't want her to have a heart attack because she is doing too much. Last week she went grocery shopping with a list I gave her of things to consider for some kind of meal plan. It was great watching everyone eat lunch today with some kind of grilled chicken, spinach, avocado, broccoli, it was great!

Now for my hubby, if this doesn't seem to him like a kick in the pants I don't know what is. The weird thing is that he doesn't want to do anything about changing. Recently we had to switch from boxes of cereal to the 3-5 lb bags because he literally has a half box of cereal for breakfast every morning. He has been having a lot of breathing problems lately and pneumonia and you can see he can't breathe with a simple walk down to the car. We live on a 3rd floor apartment with an elevator. I've succeeded with one and not the other. It almost seem like he is using this as a crutch to get out of work or get sympathy, which I refuse to give him. I've explained to him what the consequences would be if he didn't do anything about it and it's like he doesn't care.

I'm at my whits end. Has anyone else had this type of problem with their loved one? Any suggestions on how to handle this? I need to find something that will get him to change NOW. He is at 325 lbs and is slowly gaining up to 15 lbs each month and he thinks it's ok. I need help!!

HealthyChanges2010

When a person is ready to change, they will change, but not until then, no matter how many threats are made.. Until then bullying them to change will likely only send them in the other direction. Had someone said to me some years back before I'd lost the majority of my weight "you're really starting to get so damn fat!?"

I'm quite sure that would have NOT motivated me but put me more into a self hatred mode and I would have dove for more food since that's why many of eat, to cover our feelings & isolated myself more than I already had..

I think as you continue your example and your children in the house continue with theirs perhaps giving up on bullying him into doing something he's not yet ready to do might be the better route.

I can only imagine the fear and frustration going through your mind at the thought of losing him. But being mean and hurtful is not the way to get through to someone. He will see one day, and hopefully one day very soon that he is missing out on so very much with his life with his family and freedom for himself. But allow him to see that himself.

As far as attention seeking, I wanted to invisible at my heighest weight, the last thing I wanted was any sort of attention. I think at times we guess what others are feelings and doing and sometimes really have clue what's going on in their heart and mind.

I hope you continue on your journey and don't let anyone derail your, sounds like your daughter who's on the journey with you needs you more than ever!

Becca:flowerforyou:

BOGmama2010

I have some neighbors/friends who I would love to say that to. But, wow with your husband. If you are the sole grocery shopper in your family (I am) then maybe you need to take the initiative and not buy some of the stuff. In a way, it's enabling. If he is the grocery shopper..... Congrats on your daughter's progress. I pray that she will continue in this path and get healthy.

balfonso

Oh totally understand. My partner just moans a lot about his weight to me and constantly squeezes his belly then snacks...ALOT. I use to keep treats around the house as a reward for hard work. And I usually find it's gone. I've resorted to hiding them now... At first I would grill him about how he should do this and that and why he has become like that - go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. Lecturing doesn't help as he already knows himself.

Only made it worse.

So now, I don't say anything. All I have done is get ANYTHING and EVERYTHING unhealthy out of the house which forces him to eat healthy, snack healthy. And if I go out for a walk, I'll ask him if he wants to go for a quick little stroll, and he does

Just recently got a HRM and he can see I'm really taking this healthy lifestyle seriously now, so last weekend he ordered himself one and a new work out outfit. It's a start! .....just waiting for him to come running with me now. But I'm not going to force him until he feels he's ready. Only 'he' can change himself.

HealthyChanges2010

Oh totally understand. My partner just moans a lot about his weight to me and constantly squeezes his belly then snacks...ALOT. I use to keep treats around the house as a reward for hard work. And I usually find it's gone. I've resorted to hiding them now... At first I would grill him about how he should do this and that and why he has become like that - go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. Lecturing doesn't help as he already knows himself.

Only made it worse.

So now, I don't say anything. All I have done is get ANYTHING and EVERYTHING unhealthy out of the house which forces him to eat healthy, snack healthy. And if I go out for a walk, I'll ask him if he wants to go for a quick little stroll, and he does

Just recently got a HRM and he can see I'm really taking this healthy lifestyle seriously now, so last weekend he ordered himself one and a new work out outfit. It's a start! .....just waiting for him to come running... with me now. But I'm not going to force him until he feels he's ready. Only 'he' can change himself.

Your new method seems to be working well:flowerforyou:

dumb_blondes_rock

My dad is the SAME WAY....except he isn't hardcore over weight, mayne like 40 pounds. he won't eat all day at work then come home and be starving and i used to go get us both large sized mcdonalds and sodas all the time because I felt bad knowing he worked hard all day and didn't have time to eat. Well now I jsut don't even go out to eat anymore, i cook everything. And when i make food, I know his portion size, so I make sure to have little of the high calorie stuff(ill make two chicken breasts, he gets 1.25 breast and i get the rest, but then i make a heaping side of veggies so when i serve him, i fill the plate up with veggies and he feels liek he's being his normal glutton self and pigging out on all this food. We did have mcdonalds the other day, and i told him i was gonna ge the 20 piece for us to share, and i asked him what he wanted for his side, and he said "fries" and i said are you sure? those have like 500 som4ething calories in them..that s why I'm getting two side salads because it only comes out to like 80 calories....he thought about it for a moment, then told me to get him the bacon ranch chicken salad. So little subtle suggestions do make a big impact. With men you have to be what i call "psychologically sneaky", meaning you are basically controlling their mind, without them really knowing that you are doing it haha.

dumb_blondes_rock

Not to be harsh*because I am by NO means perfect and have said some things to my dad out of anger* but I make it a point to never call anyone fat. If my dad saw me eating something bad and told me how damn fat i was i honestly would just want to give up on ever having hope to getting skinny. Guys may act super tough, like what you say just goes in one ear and out the other, but you really don't know what effect those words had on him. At chruch, they said words are liek ripples in a water, first it makes one ring, then soon it spread to hundreds of rings, so when we say words, they will always ripple out, and are you wanting to form a positive ripple or a negative ripple? Instead of lashing out next time(which like i said, i'm not perfect, i used to be a lasher myself) take a deep breath and count to three before you say anything and the words that come out will be more seasoned and may have a better impact on him.

isislc

Thanks for all the replies guys, it's giving me some pretty good insight. Now I'm the main grocery shopper but he will go out and get his own food after he cashes his check. I was very frustrated today when I was cleaning and found so much garbage at my desk that he has made his home and most of it is bags of Tostidos, half eaten jars of cheese or bean dip, bags of candy, a bag of cereal, stacked empty cans of soda the works! Yes, this had me real ticked off since it was hidden in a spot between the wall and desk and covered up with the shredder.

Now, I do know he is using it as an excuse. He does nothing to pick up around the house and says he's having problems. The only thing he does is sit in front of the computer and eat. When I try to get him to do something all I get is how I'm treating him with how sick he is. Although all his problems would be taken care of if he would jump on the bandwagon with the rest of us.

Yes I know we should let them change on their own but usually people don't change unless something life changing happens like a heart attack or something and I'm trying to keep him from getting that far.

dumb_blondes_rock

I know it's frustrating, but just lead by example. You never know, he might get jealous at all the new confidence you have, or because your gonna be getting hit on a lot more, and it would make him want to look good as well. Or instead of being upset, tell him exactly what you just said right now(if you already haven't) Tell him how much you love him, and know that what he is doing right now isn't really living, its jsut floating through life, and you dont' want to have him have to have something major in order to do what he needs to do. Communication is key! And if he still refuses, there is really not much you can do except cook him a ncie healthy meal. If he goes and gets takeout avfterwards, then thats on him. If he wants to munch of crap all day, thats on him. Right now its about you, get yourself healthy and focus on you and sooner or later he will come around(hopefully not later)

weaklink109

Thanks for all the replies guys, it's giving me some pretty good insight. Now I'm the main grocery shopper but he will go out and get his own food after he cashes his check. I was very frustrated today when I was cleaning and found so much garbage at my desk that he has made his home and most of it is bags of Tostidos, half eaten jars of cheese or bean dip, bags of candy, a bag of cereal, stacked empty cans of soda the works! Yes, this had me real ticked off since it was hidden in a spot between the wall and desk and covered up with the shredder.

Now, I do know he is using it as an excuse. He does nothing to pick up around the house and says he's having problems. The only thing he does is sit in front of the computer and eat. When I try to get him to do something all I get is how I'm treating him with how sick he is. Although all his problems would be taken care of if he would jump on the bandwagon with the rest of us.

Yes I know we should let them change on their own but usually people don't change unless something life changing happens like a heart attack or something and I'm trying to keep him from getting that far.

The above description of your husband's behavior sounds to me like someone in DESPARATE need of a screening for depression--ASAP!!! You can start with your general practitioner, if you have one. Ideally, this person is someone that your husband trusts and likes. If not, or if you don't HAVE a GP, find one. I sense there might be a lot of self-loathing going on here with him, and your "tough love" approach may backfire with him. Is it possible that this is his reaction to the fact that you are changing? Could he be expressing concern about losing you in the only way he can? Maybe it is also time for a frank discussion about the state of your relationship. He needs to know that you love him and that losing weight is not a plan to leave him behind. I am not a therapist (and I don't play one on tv...:noway: ) but I just have some hunches about what might be going on here, based on the description you gave.

Good luck!!:flowerforyou:

pinkgigi

Oh darling how painful for you to see your loved one do things that are hurting him.

My first husband was like that, I would make him beautiful lunches until I found them in the bin with McDonalds wrappers, he was just binning them and then going to buy fast-food. With the food I was cooking, he really pushed back, and behaved like I was trying to control him and was imposing something on him against his will. Eventually, I felt like his mother not his wife. (Obviously he had other things going on relating to responsible adult-type behaviour). Now we are 10 yrs divorced, he is the size of a house, and it has only just dawned on him to do something about his weight. We as women are nurturing people and want to care for our family, but they have to meet you somewhere along that road for it to work.

Keep on with the positive role-model behaviour, don't let him railroad you wonderful resolve.

ThaiKaren

Get him to the GP as soon as possible, it's not normal to be eating like that. Show him the replies that people have sent you.
He will be dead in a few years if he does'nt take action NOW!!!!!!!
As someone else said he may be suffering from depression and be in a downwards sprial, nobody wants to be that big through choice
Very well done to you and your daughter for tackling your weight problem, you should feel very proud of yourselves.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you on your weight loss journey xxxxxxxx:flowerforyou:

lee112780

I think he will change when he wants to. My father used to bully me and even make fun of me, and I GAINED because of it. A positive attitude is important. Make him want to do it with you, but you can'ty really force him.

isislc

Thanks, as someone suggested I am printing this whole thread so that he can read it and see what is happening to him. As for a couple of things that were brought up. Yes, he was diagnosed with depression several months ago and yes, he IS on medication. As for other meds, they have him on Phentermine for weight loss and I feel he has the misconception that the pill will help him lose the weight no matter what he eats. It came up during our discussion today and again I told him that the pill was only part of the equation. Unless you follow it up with a healthy diet and some kind of exercise, it isn't going to do anything good for him.

Yes, he has already expressed concern that I will be leaving him once the weight really drops off. I've never made it a secret as to why I'm doing this to begin with and told him that. I'm doing this so that I do not become as ill as my mother did before she passed away and force my young children to watch me die slowly in that condition. All in one year, my mother went through almost every ailment you can get for being overweight and not having a proper diet and it killed me as an adult to have to watch her deteriorate like that and take care of her before her suffering was finally over. I promised I would never put my kids through that and my mom made me promise to keep losing weight and taking care of myself no matter how much my siblings made fun of me. I've tried to assure him that it won't happen but I don't think he believes it.

With him it kind of seems like one of those spirals that is out of control and you have no idea what to do with it. Unfortunately his backlashing is starting to affect me where I can't sleep because I'm watching over him, he has sleep apnea and uses a cpap machine, but he still has problems sleeping and I'm forced to have to sleep in a recliner because he moves around too much in bed and can't afford to get hit in a bad spot. Also, with my work schedule and getting my exercise in, it's difficult to be the complete housekeeper too. I'm living off of Red Bulls and 5 hr energy drinks some days!

Pinkgigi-
I've already had the issues with the McDonald's thing. Our landlady and apartment neighbors know we are either in training or losing weight and they always report to me that they saw him sneaking to the dumpster with bags of McDonald's from the car. They know that McD's is NOT allowed, although I will have a grilled chicken wrap with no sauce if I'm running late and don't have time for food! (only 260 calories!)

dumb_blondes_rock

This is how phentemine was described to me by a doctor *it's a legal dose of something similar to meth*. All phentermine does is make you tweak out and not want to eat. If he suffers from depression TAKE HIM OFF PHNETERMINE NOW. My friend took it in highscool, she couldn't sleep for days, but one day she was sitting in class and literally visualized herself leaving the classroom and shooting herself in the head in the hallway....so she freaked out and had to go to the office and then stopped taking phentermine. Anything that meses with yiour body chemically cannot be good, and you said its not working for him anyways, so why even bother with it. Some doctors are so quick to medicate people with ANYTHING.

cmw72

A lot of us have been where your husband is. It's not malicious ... it's not a "desperate cry for help" ... it could be as simple as the dude likes fast food, soda, chips, and using the computer too much. Who doesn't?

The problem is ... that lifestyle leads to depression, and health issues which only compound the problem. It's like a downward spiral ... you eat because you're depressed, which makes you gain weight, which makes you more depressed, which makes you eat more which makes you gain weight ... repeat ad nauseum.

Then suddenly you're scarfing down burgers on the way home from work and hiding fast food wrappers because now you've realized just how far you've fallen, and the shame starts to settle in, and the last thing you want is crap from anybody else about how you should be eating healthier. Trust me ... your husband knows he should be eating healthier.

It's one thing to know you have a problem ... it's another thing to "admit" it. To diet is to admit publicly that there is something wrong with you ... that you have failed somewhere along the way. Personally, I think this alone is a huge burden to overcome (possibly even more so for men).

Once you get to a certain point, you just lose hope of ever being thin again. You just stop caring because to care seams unrealistic. The hurdle of losing a couple hundred pounds is too much to comprehend. Add to that the fear of failure, which is actually statistically more probable than not. If we try ... and we fail ... our shame is compounded. In the end ... it's easier (and more logical) not to try.

I think it's great that you want to help your husband live a happier and healthier life, but you know what they say about leading a horse to water. Personally ... I think the only way to get the horse to drink is by showing him how sweet the water is.

Make positive changes in your life. Be an example to others, but don't be judgemental. Be encouraging, and be ready to present positive solutions should he show some interest. This new lifestyle is infectious. Once he sees all the great things you're accomplishing, he'll want to achieve those successes for himself. And with your support ... he can.

Good luck to you both!

flsunshine

i can say as a recovering addict, you cant make a person change no matter how badly the people around know you need to. if your husband starts doing things not out of heart but because he feels your making him it might cause resentment and anger. i say lead by example since you are already doing so with your daughter and shes making the effort to want to change too. maybe he'll come around and see how much you and your daughter's lives are improving by taking better care of yourselves. god bless you and keep up the hard work.

Panda86

I know its frustrating, but put yourself in his shoes.... I am pretty sure you wouldn't want someone saying that to you. He just has to get to the same point you did, where he wakes up and realizes that something needs to change. If it were me, I would apologize and explain to him that you just want him to be healthy so you can have a long happy life together :happy: My husband isn't at that point (yet), but he is pretty stubborn. He eats the healthy stuff I make for dinner and such and does walk in the evenings with me, but still loads up on half a box of ice cream in one sitting and cookies and junk, and doesn't actually "workout" much. He does occasionally still skateboard and play frisbee golf, but he is still unhealthy. He finally said the other day, "Hmm, maybe I DO need to lose some weight...." so I know I am getting to him. Just be a good example, buy healthy stuff (if he wants to eat crap, let HIM buy it), and the rest is up to him. Good luck!

Xephyr

I understand, it is frustrating when they don't seem to care.
But saying something like that will not work, it will probably work in the opposite direction - positive encouragement works better.

But honestly just set the example - he has to make the decision on his own.
Or be sneeeeeky, buy and cook with low cal foods, and don't say anything about it being healthy
Make chicken baked, instead of offering fried. You know, " Dinner's on the table!" not "Here is your diet food" :-)

ivyjbres

I'm gonna go out on a limb and out myself, because you're describing some of my bad habits. I'm going to guess that he hasn't found something that motivates him immediately. Oh sure, he wants to be healthy sometime in the future for some future goal, but it sounds like he doesn't have a reason to be healthy today that outweighs the comfort of predictability and normalcy.

When I was 17, I was scouted by a modeling agency, only problem I needed to get down to a 34 inch hip (I was a 38 inch hip); motivation- fashion models base day rate is about $5000 a day. Pretty motivating. I did get down to a 36 inch hip, (124.5 lb) which I found was really the lowest I could healthfully weigh. My hubby (then bf) described the way I looked as "scary-skinny"- too big and too healthy to be anorexic, to small for the term skinny to apply without needing another adjective. And I stayed between 135 and 135 until I got pregnant.

Now being a mom, 25 (too old for the modeling industry), on and off college student, I don't have anything immediately motivating. I haven't had a reason to loose the weight and so I haven't really tried. I know I need too, and my belly is not attractive, but hunger is more motivating than the knowledge that I shouldn't.

So the reason I started MFP is that I just threw out my back 2 weeks ago. For the second time in 2 years (way too much for someone in their 20's). And I'm reasonable sure its because of the weight. So I have a motivation to loose weight now. But only enough motivation to check the 1lb a week box instead of the 2lb a week box. (Also I have no money for new clothes, so sad as it is, I'm kinda motivated to not loose weight).

Unfortunately, your hubby won't change until he sees an immediate reason to.