Getting real with myself, on a good day.

samvanz

Today is a rare (lately) good day, in terms of my outlook and mental clarity, so I'm taking this opportunity to re-introduce myself, and to publicly get real with myself.

I am a yo-yo dieter. I go through periods of intense commitment, and lose weight and get healthy, and then I just stop. I'm not sure what triggers the stopping... Sometimes it's going back into winter, sometimes it's lack of organization during busy periods. Sometimes it's having no better way to deal with my emotions than eating. I have a history with self-harm (cutting), and now binge eating. I suspect that treating my body with hate is something I'll always be susceptible to, and I need to find new ways around this.

I feel sad, lonely, and like nobody likes me. Probably because I'm in a negative place, I'm a hard person to be around.

I quit sugar a few months ago, and felt better for a while - until I started sneaking sugar back into my days. I sneak it in when my boyfriend isn't around. I do a LOT of secretive eating, both of sugar and of fatty fried foods. I was down around 70kgs in my most recent healthy period, and getting all sorts of amazing compliments and feeling great about myself -- and now I've ballooned back up to 84kg at my most recent weigh-in. I feel out of control and deeply ashamed of myself.

I worked in a job that involved lots of publicity photos recently, and seeing those photos really hurt. Prior to the job, I went shopping for new clothes to wear so I'd look nice - I'd gone up to a size 18, and got angry that the sizing in that particular store was so irregular... But seeing those photos I realized that I really am that big. I want to be able to see photos of myself having a good time, and not just be sad over how I look. I want to project positivity to people around me. I don't want to be so down on myself all the time.

Mostly, I want to stop the yo-yo dieting cycle. I want to find a place where I can respect myself and my body.

I need some friends for this journey, so please feel free to add me and we can keep each other going. Thanks for reading.