A life update - my story

dawnmcneil10

For years I’ve always wished to be skinny, to be one of those women who just didn’t have to worry about food or exercise to the point where I was jealous and formed negative opinions of them. At the same time I’ve always been good about trying to eat balanced meals not really going to extreme on the fad diets yes I’d try them for a day or two but never felt good doing them and never had much success either so they just never pulled me in. At the same time I’ve never been a yo-yo dieter as they’re called probably because I didn’t bother with fad diets.

As the years have gone on and I notice this mostly since I moved to NY and had to take a good look at my life, it’s like I was given a clean slate. I look back and see that all of my adult life I’ve been learning to eat better at a slow pace and at an even slower pace I discovered exercise. I can remember going to the gym and never really losing any weight and never understood it and would get so mad at the lack of results I’d quit, using any excuse available.

Then there were the friends who had gastric bypass and lost a ton of weight and didn’t appreciate it. For them it was all about buying smaller single digit clothes, looking “sexy”, attracting the opposite sex. I hated them, not them as people but the process they went through. They didn’t have surgery because of health issues (their doctors did diagnose a few) not to ward off diabetes or heart disease or anything else for them it really was about the loss of “fat”. In order to lose the 10% of their body weight they did slimfast or diuretics which somehow escaped their doctors and some just plain barely ate anything at all. I saw them drop 100 lbs like it was nothing, saw what they ate and yes they did eat smaller amounts but still fried food, still desserts, still added lots of cream to coffee and so on and there I was the entire time eating my fruits and veggies, keeping my carbs in the whole grains category, drinking tons of water, going to the gym and was losing little if any weight. Yes I hated their weight loss as much as I hated my inability to lose weight.

Today I am a different person and I’m really thinking my success now is driven more by my mind than anything else. Yes I have lost “a ton of weight” as others tell me regularly and while I have lost a good deal it wasn’t overnight, I am 13lbs lighter right now than I was in 2010 when I did WW and the pictures from the 5k the other day showed me so much more than that. I had no idea when I looked at myself I’d see confidence and a generally happy person. When I saw the pictures from the 5k I saw myself through the eyes of others and it was a really big moment. It also came at just the right time for me. I was growing frustrated with the scale as I’ve lost nothing for about a month just bouncing around the same 1-2 pounds. I’m still dropping clothing sizes, my dress pants and jeans are all size 10, tops all M with a few exceptions here and there where a L is just more comfortable but you never feel like that makes a difference when it’s “weight loss” you’re expecting. I can’t put my scales away, that won’t work for me I need to keep myself in the know or I will slack off. That’s something I’ve learned in the process of the past 13 years I HAVE to weigh in each week it holds me accountable for the food I consume.

My goal was to be a size 10; I always had this thing in my head that said the “perfect 10” was for me a size 10. Since I am now wearing a size 10 with the occasional size 8 (yes a size 8!) I’ve been doing a bit more shall we say soul searching. I would look in the mirror and I would say no, I’m not “skinny enough” so I guess I need to lose 15-20 more pounds. I can understand how people develop eating disorders because I started trying to trick the scale. Thankfully I caught myself when I did, I owe so much to those 5k pictures, to my friends for taking them and the comments on FB from people who haven’t seen me lately. It’s finally not about the weight for me, it’s about just being me, being the best me I can be and just being generally healthy.
With that said I have to keep a “goal” in mind so now I’m focusing on fitness and nutrition in general. I never intend to be a “runner” but I do find I enjoy the accomplished feeling I get after I jog. I can’t say I’m good at it but I feel good doing it and that’s something I want for life to enjoy how I feel. On the nutrition side I just want a well balanced diet, I still struggle with eating enough food and at this point I think it’s safe to say that will always be a struggle for me as much as others will always struggle with eating too much. I’m cooking in new ways now with new foods I never would have even considered before and I find I love what’s coming out of my kitchen.

Not all that long ago I remember telling you my ultimate goal was to get to 143 – 1=I, 4=love, 3=you. I can safely say that’s not a number on the scale for me anymore, it’s not even a consideration. I am not perfect, I am not finished with my journey as the journey doesn’t end until we die but I think I might have found the lost me I never knew was lost.

I share this with you because you’ve been such a big part of all this for me. You’ve been a cheerleader to me even on your own worst days and I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am for that.

Jaydec70

Dawn. Thank you for posting. It is great that you have found confidence and made sense of your "evolution". I hope your success is long lasting and only deepens over time. You have really helped others too, not that it is about that but for me you were the only "friend" who reached out to check in with me my first week here, and I am quite grateful. Best wishes for continued good health.