Don't mess with lil old ladies

BlazinEmerald

Don't Tease Old Ladies
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
> sat down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no!
> He just yelled, "April Fool!"
> And that's when I shot him!

BlazinEmerald

Don't Tease Old Ladies
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
> sat down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no!
> He just yelled, "April Fool!"
> And that's when I shot him!

GTOgirl1969

:laugh: :laugh: LMAO:laugh: :laugh:

jpwarner

Cute... Since we telling jokes, here is one.

THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

Hmmm..., thought Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try on his honeymoon...

Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,"Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-*kitten* attitude, you never will."

Philosophy to remember... "Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches; it's more like a jar of Jalapenos---what you do today, might burn your *kitten* tomorrow!

jpwarner

And just one more then I stop, promise.

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

sophialittle

So . . . a sunday school teacher is teaching a lesson on getting to heaven.
she asks the kids what part of their body they think gets to heaven first.
one little boy raised his hand said "your feet"
the teacher replied "that's an interesting choice, why do you say your feet?"
the boy answers "because every night, my mom lays in her bed with her feet pointed towards the ceiling and says "oh god, i'm coming"! (you insert spellings as you see fit there)