feeling afraid

brokenapart

I have worked so hard for the last couple months to change not just my diet, but my view and relationship with food and exercise. Then suddenly I face a life threatening cancer diagnosis and I am left exhausted and alone. I don't really have anyone to rant to. I just don't know where I am going right now. I have come to the conclusion that while I have indeed changed my relationship with food and how it "comforts" me or doesn't..... I have not changed my relationship with myself. I still see the person peeking into the mirror as someone I despise. I hate her. She is ugly and worthless, unworthy of love or respect. I stood for half an hour looking at her this morning. What did she do to earn so much disdain? She is intelligent, perhaps not mensa material, but no great thoughtless dingbat. She is caring. Perhaps she does not always think before she speaks, perhaps she leaves unspoken things that should be said. But she tries her hardest to be thoughtful of other's feelings. She is a hard worker, dedicated and honest. When she was younger she experienced a horrible accident. But many others have experienced worse. Maybe she is just faulty.

This broken thing needs to be fixed. More than the food or exercise issue. Perhaps even more than the cancer in the body, the cancer in the emotional spirit needs to be dealt with.

Ok, I'm done. I'm sorry for the stupid and senseless rant. I guess I just needed to get it out. Let the hazing commence ......

knitapeace

No hazing, just hugs. Please find a licensed therapist, stat. You are worthwhile and a caring doctor can help you find the ability to love yourself.

kowajenn

You are worthy of love and the big effort you are making. I hope your heath gets straightened out, but in the meantime I agree with knitapeace...find a professional to talk to and guide you in the right direction.

I believe in you!

calliekitten9

I have worked so hard for the last couple months to change not just my diet, but my view and relationship with food and exercise. Then suddenly I face a life threatening cancer diagnosis and I am left exhausted and alone. I don't really have anyone to rant to. I just don't know where I am going right now. I have come to the conclusion that while I have indeed changed my relationship with food and how it "comforts" me or doesn't..... I have not changed my relationship with myself. I still see the person peeking into the mirror as someone I despise. I hate her. She is ugly and worthless, unworthy of love or respect. I stood for half an hour looking at her this morning. What did she do to earn so much disdain? She is intelligent, perhaps not mensa material, but no great thoughtless dingbat. She is caring. Perhaps she does not always think before she speaks, perhaps she leaves unspoken things that should be said. But she tries her hardest to be thoughtful of other's feelings. She is a hard worker, dedicated and honest. When she was younger she experienced a horrible accident. But many others have experienced worse. Maybe she is just faulty.

This broken thing needs to be fixed. More than the food or exercise issue. Perhaps even more than the cancer in the body, the cancer in the emotional spirit needs to be dealt with.

Ok, I'm done. I'm sorry for the stupid and senseless rant. I guess I just needed to get it out. Let the hazing commence ......

I've been right there!!!

First thing....change the words you use to describe yourself, no one can love you enough if you don't first learn how to love and appreciate yourself. No one is perfect. NO ONE!!

Second thing....stop using the word "need". Instead of "I need to" which sets you up to feel like a failure and also makes everything into an obligation...say "I want to" which makes whatever it is a choice that you are making.

I agree with the other poster...find a therapist or a councellor...someone who can help you on your journey.

HUGS!!

Me2FitMe

My heart really aches for you... I have been praying for you. You have so many good qualities and you yourself have pointed some out-- so you know they are there. That alone makes you beautiful!! Sure we all wanna look different but that is not who we are. Concentrate on the positives, hopefully that will help...

joolywooly33

I wish I could be there to help you!