Why you don't talk to the man about losing weight

rml_16

Scene: Last Friday night in my bedroom getting dressed to go see a friends perform at a country bar in the next county that's pretty much notoriously redneck.

It's Florida, but it's north Florida and it's getting chilly. Jeans would be too heavy, so I tried on a pair of lighter cargo pants. They fit, but were a teensy bit too tight and I didn't like my butt in them. Frustration abounded and I ended up throwing on what you see in my profile photo (it's a maxi skirt I turned into a dress and thanks to an idea from Pinterest, it was adorbs with the little knot in the side) and grabbing a sweater.

The man told me it was too dressy and I should wear something else. I explained to him how fat I've become and that I was going to wear it because it camoflaged the icky parts and looked cute and I didn't care if I was overdressed, since it's better to be overdressed than underdressed, so there.

So, I've been having a hell of a time losing weight (hormonal, I'm pretty sure). On the way home, he asked me about my feelings on the matter and I expressed my frustration.

(To clarify, he does not think I'm fat at all. He didn't think I was fat when I weighed 15 pounds more than I do. He was just trying to be helpful with the following.)

I told him that no matter how much I exercise (about an hour a day), the only way I have been able to lose any weight at all for the last four years is if I drop my calories to 500 a day.

His response was that I should do that and exercise more.

*headdesk*

SugarBaby71

And this, my dear is why we have friends here. Mine said I should probably stop eating so much. He suggested 800 calories and that I should probably double my workouts. (I'm proud to say I let him live.) :bigsmile:

NovemberJune

LOL my hubby is the opposite. He'll get worried and say "are you sure you're eating enough?" His TDEE might be 3000, but very unfortunately, mine is not and, yes, 1800-ish is "enough"

rml_16

And this, my dear is why we have friends here. Mine said I should probably stop eating so much. He suggested 800 calories and that I should probably double my workouts. (I'm proud to say I let him live.) :bigsmile:

lol

Sometimes I don't think he thinks before he speaks. And he has never had to worry about his weight in his life, so I'm not sure he has any clue what 500 calories looks like. He probably thinks that's a reasonable amount.

snejkaxo

Head-Desk made me laugh! You are funny! You are not alone. I don't know when my husband criticizes me and when he compliments me. I swear, everything that comes out of his mouth can be interpreted both ways. So I basically choose to interpret it as a compliment when he says something. "Your butt is gone". Cool! He called me skinny. "You look normal today" Cool! He likes my outfit. "This is crazy *kitten* that you are wearing" Cool! He thinks I'm fun. LOL

kittenful

Oh, boy. Drop calories to 500 daily -and- exercise more? He's trying to kill you with kindness! Well intentioned, but I'm glad you know the issue there.

On another note, I'm terribly sorry about your Mirena mishap. I experienced the same. It was awful.

seltzermint555

My fiancé has been through it himself so I'm lucky in that regard. I just need to listen to him more, actually! Over a year ago, I asked him what I should do to lose weight and he hurriedly did the exact same math as MFP did for me...I was offended when he told me that I needed to be eating 2,700 to keep up my current weight and could lose by cutting back to 1,800 or fewer...I thought I was already eating around 1,000-1,500 per day. I based that on a "rough estimate" in my head, not logging. I did keep a food journal and I thought that was good enough as it showed a bunch of healthy food and only sparing treats...but I had no REAL idea of calorie content or anything else. I assumed a shake was oh, 200 cals? Slice of pizza roughly equivalent to half a small sandwich? Nope.

Six months later I joined MFP, it told me the exact same thing, and I've been losing 1.6 lb per week. lol Should have listened to him and started counting my calories over a year ago!!!!

(not comparing to you as you clearly don't have a huge amount to lose like me)

EvgeniZyntx

Pretty likely he is just a smart guy.

If I eat chocolate and stand on my toes I'll lose weight and be happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?
Rasberry keytones worked i the past. This will make me happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?
If I eat 300 calories and run marathons I'll lose weight and be happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?

He just heard your pain and is offering support on the solution you found in the past.

You didn't ask him "find me a solution". He's a keeper.

JenAndSome

I have the opposite problem. Mine continues to tell me I should be eating about 3000 calories a day. I have shown him all of the calculators and all of my food logs and everything. Finally I told him that if he talked about what I eat again it's not going to end well for either of us. Orange is my favorite color, but no one looks good rocking it from head to toe.

rml_16

Pretty likely he is just a smart guy.

If I eat chocolate and stand on my toes I'll lose weight and be happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?
Rasberry keytones worked i the past. This will make me happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?
If I eat 300 calories and run marathons I'll lose weight and be happier.
> Honey, why don't you do that?

He just heard your pain and is offering support on the solution you found in the past.

You didn't ask him "find me a solution". He's a keeper.

Ha ha! I was venting, though. I was complaining about the 500 calorie thing, not saying it made me happy.

On another note, I'm terribly sorry about your Mirena mishap. I experienced the same. It was awful.

Thanks. It's been out for a year now. I don't know if the hormones built up and are taking a while to leave my system or if there's something else going on. I need to see my doctor, but last time I went with this issue, they did blood work, took forever to get back to me (including me calling them several times for results) and then just said, "Everything's normal," and dropped it. Grrrr.

rml_16

I have the opposite problem. Mine continues to tell me I should be eating about 3000 calories a day. I have shown him all of the calculators and all of my food logs and everything. Finally I told him that if he talked about what I eat again it's not going to end well for either of us. Orange is my favorite color, but no one looks good rocking it from head to toe.

I'd be 500 pounds if I ate that much! I wish I could, though.

TheBackStory

My husband doesn't give a response. I can't tell you how many times I've asked how something looks and wanting an honest opinion. I can't tell how anything looks on me, in my mind it's all blah...

He just looks at me with a blank stare and says "I don't know what to say".... WTH, say the facts!

It's not like I'm going for his throat...

bookworm_847

My husband has commented about making sure I don't skip my workouts and watching what I eat, but I think it's because he knows I want so badly to achieve my weight loss and fitness goals, so he thinks he's helping. It may not come out right sometimes, but I know he doesn't mean anything by it. He was still telling me I didn't need to lose any weight when I was at 183 lbs, so I know my response is just whatever mood I'm in at the time.

And that is a cute dress in your picture.

rml_16

My husband has commented about making sure I don't skip my workouts and watching what I eat, but I think it's because he knows I want so badly to achieve my weight loss and fitness goals, so he thinks he's helping. It may not come out right sometimes, but I know he doesn't mean anything by it. He was still telling me I didn't need to lose any weight when I was at 183 lbs, so I know my response is just whatever mood I'm in at the time.

And that is a cute dress in your picture.

Thanks. :-) I was happy with the result of the outfit. It was a bit much for where we went, but there were a few other women a little moe dressed up. Most were in the short shorts or skirt and cowboy boots uniform.

He usually doesn't say anything at all. I do my thing and don't really bring up diet with him. It only came up because I was annoyed with all my clothes.

echofm1

I had a similar issue with my dad last weekend where he just really didn't get it, but it's not his fault. He was going to make a rack of ribs for the family and I was trying to figure out how many calories would, roughly, be in each rib section when it was cooked. So I was sitting there trying to figure out how many calories were in the whole thing, and then how many pieces he would cut it into so I could determine how many ribs I could have (Answer: like 2 if I was being good, but I went with 3). My dad asked what I was doing and when he explained he looked at me with a slight frown on his face and said "But it's all protein; you don't have to worry about it."

......

Yes, Dad, but it still has calories.

rml_16

I had a similar issue with my dad last weekend where he just really didn't get it, but it's not his fault. He was going to make a rack of ribs for the family and I was trying to figure out how many calories would, roughly, be in each rib section when it was cooked. So I was sitting there trying to figure out how many calories were in the whole thing, and then how many pieces he would cut it into so I could determine how many ribs I could have (Answer: like 2 if I was being good, but I went with 3). My dad asked what I was doing and when he explained he looked at me with a slight frown on his face and said "But it's all protein; you don't have to worry about it."

......

Yes, Dad, but it still has calories.

lol

Oh, he also told me I need to start eating meat. I've been a vegetarian for about six years now because the idea of eating meat makes me sick to my stomach and want to cry. It isn't an option.

jofjltncb6

My husband doesn't give a response. I can't tell you how many times I've asked how something looks and wanting an honest opinion. I can't tell how anything looks on me, in my mind it's all blah...

He just looks at me with a blank stare and says "I don't know what to say".... WTH, say the facts!

It's not like I'm going for his throat...

Those *are* the facts. You can't undo eons of programming by simply saying you (supposedly) want an honest opinion. We've been conditioned not to believe those words. It's a simple survival mechanism.

suziepoo1984

My hubby kept saying i looked sexy and great when i kept asking if i had gained weight(which i knew i had, i have a weighing scale you see, but chose to ignore it :P)he kept saying no and i looked sexy blah blah and i gained whopping 20 pounds in 4 months post pregnancy(POST).
I joined MFP and since then have lost all of that weight and some more. This time around i asked him to be very supportive the other way around and be brutally honest blah blah and now even at my lightest weight he keeps saying lose 10 more :laugh:
Now i miss the other unsupportive hubby whenever i want to pig out :explode:
Women are no less i say(especially me):drinker:

suziepoo1984

My husband doesn't give a response. I can't tell you how many times I've asked how something looks and wanting an honest opinion. I can't tell how anything looks on me, in my mind it's all blah...

He just looks at me with a blank stare and says "I don't know what to say".... WTH, say the facts!

It's not like I'm going for his throat...

Those *are* the facts. You can't undo eons of programming by simply saying you (supposedly) want an honest opinion. We've been conditioned not to believe those words. It's a simple survival mechanism.

I agree to this..be damned if you do, be damned if you dont!!:laugh: