My boyfriend's weight gain - advice on how to talk to him!

rml_16

TavistockToad - Exactly!

So you and your BF have this same agreement? If so, then just tell him.

gelendestrasse

Well, I link eating, especially "comfort foods" and snacks to being stressed. So even if he's happy he could still be wanting to eat just because. Also, I found out (the hard way) that a guy's metabolism can suddenly shift sometime in the 20s. Might have to do with a desk job, might have to do with age, lots of things. But you need to exercise to get the metabolism back up.

Of course when it comes to conversations about weight most people need a baseball bat approach. Mine was contemplating diabetes. Not hanging with needles, I have a thing about that. So I lost 50# and need to loose 20 more.

If you want to be "gentle" about it buy a decent tandem bike and drag him (literally?) along for 30-60 minutes a night. Pickle ball, maybe? I don't know how you talk to somebody about starting to loose weight. Perhaps a counselor would have better suggestions.

Good luck. Hey, you're trying. That's a positive.

joleciamichelle

It may be helpful to just talk to him about your struggle and ask him for his help/support in reaching your goals. Tell him that you love him so much and you need his support in getting healthier. It is hard for you when he is bringing home junk food and not supporting you by being more active. Just ask him to commit to bringing home less (or no) junk food and doing a couple of fun (physical) activities with you a week not for weight loss or anything but solely for relationship maintenance and supporting his girlfriend in her endeavors to be healthier. Don't hide the fact that you would want both of you to be healthier but just be honest that you love him and are attracted to him no matter what and you know you can't make him change, but you need him to be on board at least somewhat to support your lifestyle changes and ideally that you'd want for both of you to benefit by getting healthy and growing closer to each other by doing this together. Every woman has to have this conversation with their mate when they embark on losing weight, whether their mate struggles with the same things or not.

FourIsCompany

The best way is to find HIS value in getting in shape, not to talk about what it would do for you. Is there something he used to love to do but can no longer do because of his weight? Maybe if YOU started doing those activities, he'd want to join you... Take videos and pictures of him. Make sure he sees them.

Good luck!

ldrosophila

there is no advice for you because he wont change unless he wants to change. Your choices are to continue modeling health and hope he picks it up or move on from this relationship.

sorry didnt read your full post the best way to approach it is just be honest. Are you more concerned with his health or attractiveness? Both are valid reasons. It's hard to bring in the health part if he is healthy. Just be honest, kind, and loving. Face to face you give him the information and he decides what he wants to do with that.

bridgew24

I feel you on this. And all you can do is encourage activity! Or maybe mention more how happy you are with the effort YOU have put into YOUR body and the results? And how you notice he's impressed by it? I don't know it might convey to him how that could be his situation if he got off the couch

eric_sg61

You think he is grumpy now, wait til he has to be on a diet to keep you.

Desterknee

Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."

Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.

BOOM. This. LOL

runningvegan

Tell him in person. Text or email is just cold. If you're not close enough that you can tell him face to face, then you shouldn't say anything at all.

brraanndi

Telling the other person just doesn't help for the most part.

I'd slap my man if he told me I needed to lose weight because then I'd be more attractive to him in bed. You have to have a special kind of relationship to be able to get away with that in my opinion.

I figure if he wants to eat pizza and become a chubby 40 yearold he can. As long as the doc says his health is somewhat fine, then it's well within in rights to look however he wants. He has supported me no matter what weight I am, loved me no matter what weight I am, I fully intend on doing the same.

But that doesn't stop me dragging his whiney butt walking on the weekends heh.

SlimJanette

Can you ask him not to buy the treats for the house because you feel like you might cheat? Make him eat what you're eating. Tell him that you need his support to help you through your journey. Reverse the situation and see if that helps.

lcvaughn520

I think you definitely should do this in person, first of all, but you know your relationship the best, so maybe your approach would work better for you guys, but I think most people would at least want to hear this face to face. I think it's a sign of respect to be able to broach potentially uncomfortable topics with someone in person.

Secondly, maybe you could say something along the lines of "We used to be able to do so much more stuff together and I loved that aspect of our relationship. I miss being able to be active with you!" Don't make it about the actual weight, but focus on the ways that his lifestyle is putting limits on your relationship and how much fun you would have if you could get back to doing some of that stuff together.

mikeykhan2003

For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?

I'm not sure this is really an apt analogy.

Relationships are hard; it's hard understanding why people are continuing certain behaviors, and it's hard to communicate honestly and openly about things that we fear will make us sound selfish. But if his weight is going to become more a concern and you're going to dump him for it, then you should just flat out tough love it. Tell him the score, and give him the choice. If time goes on and you feel more and more every day like you can do better, I promise you it will get much worse for both of you.

If you're really going to love him anyway (hint: I don't believe you), then you should just encourage him to make better choices, and if he gets defensive tell him the truth; that you're going to love him either way but he was more fun when he was more fit.

Either way good luck - this is likely to be a fairly rough go regardless of what you choose to do.

CollieFit

It isn't exactly a delight to hear, but in the long run it should help

For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?

:noway:

Erm.... that's not at all comparable.

kristen6022

Trust me, he knows he's gained. He may not, however, want to change it right now and you can't change him.

My boyfriend has lately stated that he's gotten "tubby". He MIGHT need to lose 5-10lbs and get in shape. I'm in the best shape of my life right now, very strict with what and when I eat and he KNOWS how to do it by watching me. But he doesn't WANT to right now. Every person has a time where the WANT to do it. It took me years to figure out I could be my best...he'll come around when he wants to and in the mean time I'll support him...

bkyoun

I think you need to be very careful about how you do this or it could go very badly.

I know that as far as attractiveness goes, that I am attracted to my wife and find her sexy regardless of her weight. I also appreciate the beautiful person she is and her beauty certainly isn't skin deep. I also know that she feels the same way about me because I have been obese for most of our marriage and there isn't a single day that she hasn't made me feel like the sexiest man on earth and I love her for that. I am currently making good progress and getting in better shape because I want to be fit and healthy, but I know that she loves me and is attracted to me even when I am very overweight.

I think if you bring up that it is making him less attractive to you, there is pretty much no way it ends well.

I think it would help to have a common goal to work toward. Maybe do something like plan a trip for next spring/summer to a beach location and make a goal to get in great shape together to look great in your bathing suits. Or maybe tell him that you want to get into strength training and would like him to do it with your. Or take a dance class together. Find a common goal and work together on it to achieve something together.

And don't bring up attractiveness. I promise, it won't go over well.

And please don't do something very immature like doing this in a text!

Good luck.

lauren3101

When my bf and I started re-dating (broke up for a little and got back together) we were both at our ideal weight.
But now... while I've been working hard to lose my final 10 (grr), he's been steadily gaining weight.
Like to the point of him having a large protruding belly..

In addition to how difficult it is to keep from eating some of the yucky yummies he brings home...
it's also becoming a turn off....
I love him and still find him attractive, but not like before... and I HATE to say it, but it's true.
We used to be on MFP together, but he just stopped using it (I have too but, I have a strict menu/diet so I already know all my calories) but I did promise him I would use it if he would.
I don't want this to grow into something worse.

How should I go about politely expressing my feelings about this to him?

So to clarify I want to convey to him that:

I am still attracted to him and still love him the same
I would like for him to consider losing weight -
~ because he would have more energy and feel better about himself
~it would help his mood swings (he's been pretty grumpy!)
~ it would help our sex life (and this is the toughy!) because I would be MORE physically attracted to him and he'd have more stamina
~it would help me to achieve my weight loss goals
~ and possibly get us to spend more time together doing some sort of fun physical activity

I KNOW he can't change unless he really wants to, I just want to help him to get to that point..

Can anyone help me articulate this in the best possible way? I was thinking it might be best to email or text this to him...
I'd rather not say it in person, just cuz I think he'd be embarrassed.
This way, he could have some time to think about it and hit me back with a well thought out response...?

Help :ohwell:

If you are going to tell him, do not do it by email or text. That's a cowards way out.

Unless your partner is particularly insensitive or you have an agreement to tell each other if this occurs, I would avoid the attractiveness comment altogether. I know that if my partner told me that, regardless of how much he sugar coated it, I would be devastated and it would cause problems. Imagine if it was the other way around and he was saying it to you.

I would approach with the focus on his health. Tell him you are worried and want him to be healthy. Tell him you think him joining you would help you reach your goals.

There's so many different exercise options out there, there must be something he will enjoy and something you can do together. What about something you can compete with, like kick boxing?

lucan07

He seems to be pretty happy. He just gets grumpy when there's physical activity involved lol.
Any suggestions besides biking/hiking for an activity?

Looks like its going to be an intense love making session then and when he flags just casually drop in "Looks like I am gonna have to trade you in for a younger model!"

ladymiseryali

Ok, what if this situation was reversed? Would you want your SO to tell you that you're unattractive via a text or email? Common sense! My fiance told me when my weight was going in a negative direction. I was getting overweight at one point and yes, the face to face did sting, but he didn't do it to be cruel. He did it because he was concerned and it worked. I started taking better care of myself and now, since he suggested I give keto a try, I'm down 20 lbs!

My advice would be to TALK TO HIM. Tell him that you're concerned for his health and well-being. Offer to workout with him, or get a gym membership together. Or, if he's the competitive type, make it into a friendly competition. The first to lose x amount of lbs by some date gets something special.

Basically, don't be a coward about it.

shellma00

Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."

Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.

BOOM. This. LOL

I really like this idea.. If he listens to his Dr then you know he wants to do something about it. If he doesnt, then he isnt ready and does not care.

My husband is overweight and growing (constantly complaining his jeans are too small now), but I would never try to change him. He for once is being supportive of my choice to lose weight and get healthy and before that would have never happened. Before he would try to sabotage me. And although he is overweight, my husband went to the health fair here at work and had his blood work done and his numbers were not as horrible as I would have thought. So I really have no room to complain because my triglycerides, cholesterol, and many other things tested were worse than his.

Another thing to think about... is he really overweight? Or is he just too overweight for what you want in a boyfriend? If he goes to the Dr, is the Dr going to tell him he is perfectly fine where he is and that he is at a healthy weight? Just questions that come to mind.