feeling sorry for a friend

tabbykat6802

I was talking to a friend the other day and weight loss was mentioned. I told her that I would gladly help her/support her in her journey. She sighed and said that she was not able to start b/c every time her hubby heard her mention losing weight, he went out and bought cookies and other junk b/c he likes her the way she is. Any ideas on how to help her out? I feel bad that she is stuck at the start line.

TheGymGypsy

You need to look her right in the face and tell her if she keeps making up excuses for herself she is never going to be happy. If she can't say no to junk food, she needs to talk to her husband about it and make her intentions clear. Until she actually starts trying, you shouldn't feel sorry for her.

ladymiseryali

Tell her to stop with the excuses. She doesn't have to eat the junk her husband brings home.

tabbykat6802

::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

SweetieMelissa

Well she could also not tell her husband that she is trying to lose weight and just does it on her own? Then he wouldn't buy the junk food!
And she should set up a MFP account. Maybe eating a cookie here and there isn't bad

mag131

I like the suggestion of getting her to join MFP. Seeing how many calories she's consuming might motivate her to say no to the junk her husband brings into the house. She could also learn how to fit these foods into a calorie budget if she absolutely can't say no.

How about getting together with her a couple of days a week to exercise?

preaser

Seems like they need marriage counseling....a good husband should only encourage his wife to be healthy. That being said, perhaps if she just resists the junk or cuts back she will start to lose weight and her actions will speak for themselves. I can't imagine any husband not wanting his wife to look her best and be healthy. Perhaps she can get him involved in doing activities together and they could get healthy together, not necessarily cutting out all the junk food he apparently wants.

Pearsquared

She needs to do what couples generally need to do to stay together - communicate. She needs to let her significant other know that this is something she wants to do for her health, and that she won't be eating those things he brings home.

MinnieInMaine

It's definitely an excuse.. He's not force feeding the cookies to her, it's her own fault if she can't stay away from them.

And maybe she can be a bit more discreet about her dieting efforts. If I had to guess, I'd bet she tells him every little bit about how she's bummed about not losing fast enough or hates her body or whatever. I never really talk like that but every once in a while I slip and make a negative comment about my former blobular shape and it really upsets him. When someone cares about you, they don't want to hear you putting yourself down - they love you just the way you are! She needs to keep that kind of talk in the girlfriend zone - things she only discusses with you and other close friends.

And/or she tries to completely revamp their foods and he hates that too because he's not interested in eating "diet food". There's ways around that too. 1) everything in moderation, there are no bad foods. 2) portion control. You can still make the same foods, just make sure they fit in your calorie/macro goals. 3) make subtle changes and don't report them. When I started tweaking our recipes to make them healthier, he'd turn his nose up about things like whole wheat pasta or turkey sausage, etc. So I made sure he didn't see the labels anymore and asked him what he thought about the food after he ate it and THEN I'd tell him so he'd learn healthy didn't always mean it tasted like cardboard. He'll still try to make comments now and then but all I have to do is remind him that's they way we've been eating the healthier alternative for months and he's never complained so obviously healthy foods are tasty too.

shaydon80

I was talking to a friend the other day and weight loss was mentioned. I told her that I would gladly help her/support her in her journey. She sighed and said that she was not able to start b/c every time her hubby heard her mention losing weight, he went out and bought cookies and other junk b/c he likes her the way she is. Any ideas on how to help her out? I feel bad that she is stuck at the start line.

That's just an excuse. She's obviously not ready, so there's not much you can do.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

tell her not mention it to her husband and just do it. Tell her to get a little self control because he can buy those foods, but he's not holding a gun to her head and making her eat. Tell her to find her inner voice and stand up for herself instead of making excuses and blaming others. Tell her to start taking responsibility for her life, her actions, and her trajectory.

rml_16

Sounds like she just shouldn't talk to her husband about losing weight.

Ladina1990

Self control and communication is key, just because her hubby brings the junk into the house doesnt mean she HAS to eat it, like others are saying she should get a MFP account so she can log and be accountable for what she eats, and all you can do at this point is be a supportive friend and workout with her, now if she doesnt want to work out with you and makes excuses then at that point she isnt ready to lose weight.

lithezebra

Things aren't all bad for your friend. If I had to choose between a spouse who loves me the way I am, and one who nags me to lose weight, I'd choose the former. She just needs to work on herself so that she can eat a cookie for a treat, and stay within an overall goal for calories that enables her to get to a healthy weight. Unless her husband has a deep seated preference for overweight women, he'll love her at a healthy weight too. She doesn't have to get skinny to be healthy. She need not even tell her husband that she's losing weight. People do it all the time without anyone really noticing.

It's also possible that your friend is making polite excuses because weight loss isn't really that important to her, in which case you have to let her live her own life.

Annette171973

I personally think that she should join MFP, she can count her calories, help her see exactly what she is eating. The support here is Amazing! You can share your experience with her from joining. I LOVE Food! I have a very hard time saying no to cookies, but am learning I can have one cookie in moderation. The eating journal is the way of life. :-) I am changing my lifestyle for my health, she can too! :-)

conniemaxwell5

First she needs to sit down with her husband and clearly communicate her goals and what she needs from him to support them. If he brings those foods home after that, she needs to restate the goals and the need for support and then throw the junk in the trash. He'll get the message sooner or later.

RhonndaJ

A lot of us have been stuck at the start post for a variety of reasons, but really it does come down to the point of not being ready to do it for ourselves.

She tells her husband she's going to do it, he buys stuff, she eats it. It does sound as if it's an excuse on her part, even if it isn't conscious.

I think she needs to not tell her husband and start making small changes in her eating and movement. All too often we get so caught up in the all or nothing mindset that we forget we can make huge differences by making small changes. Maybe that's what you need to remind her about.

I think it's nice you're concerned about your friend.

Mgregory723

IMO, she should not tell her hubby she is going to try and lose weight. If he is going to sabotage her when he knows, then not telling him sounds like the thing to do to keep him from not bringing crap into the house. I also think she should join MFP and start with small changes to her diet and exercise. Then after awhile she can tell him what her plan is. Unfortunately, if he is still not on board, she may have to think of what is best for her and not the marriage. Maybe she can tell him that if she doesn't get this weight off she won't be around to enjoy their life together.

Good luck to you and your friend! :flowerforyou:

ladymiseryali

::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

Since when is common sense hatred? Is her husband tying her down and forcing the cookies into her mouth? No? Then it's an excuse. It sounds like her husband may be used to hearing her talk about dieting and then not proceeding, so he's not taking it seriously. She NEEDS to show him she is serious and that can be done, even with junk in the house. It's called either not eating the cookies OR only having one or two and then eating healthy and exercising.

Don't accuse others of being hateful because they are being blunt and are living in the real world.

belgd

Wow.. My husband loved the way I looked, while I felt self conscious. I decided to do it for me and he has been very, very helpful and supportive. She should set up a MFP account and get the ball rolling. I found it easier to have self control with the help of MFP. If she wants it bad enough, she'll do it. A ton of girls say they hate their weight/body but do nothing about it. Mehh..

runningvegan

::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

Since when is common sense hatred? Is her husband tying her down and forcing the cookies into her mouth? No? Then it's an excuse. It sounds like her husband may be used to hearing her talk about dieting and then not proceeding, so he's not taking it seriously. She NEEDS to show him she is serious and that can be done, even with junk in the house. It's called either not eating the cookies OR only having one or two and then eating healthy and exercising.

Don't accuse others of being hateful because they are being blunt and are living in the real world.

Totally agree with this.

This43IsNotMe

I stayed overweight for way too long after having babies. Everytime i was feeling fat my hubby always said that he loved me the way i was and he did, he honestly did...but the problem was...i didn't. I finally told him that i needed to feel healther and happier (and for me i love my shoes and wanted to wear them more without my feet huring). I asked him for support and told him i was pretty sure less weight, more active would me a lot more activity all around...hint hint...he got right on board I lost 72lbs on my own, got stuck and joined on here last week for help. It's a great support, she should just jump on and see where it takes her. But it is a choice she has to make for herself, it is 10x's harder if you don't have support at home but it still can be done. i have dinner in the crockpot right now so when my hubby suggests going out to dinner, i can say no, dinner is already cooking. And i know my hubby loved me the was i was before, but the way he puts his hands around my waist now...i know he likes that alot more as do i!

AlsDonkBoxSquat

::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

Sometimes a spade is a spade. Just because you want it to be something else doesn't mean it's not a spade anymore.

You can wish in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one will fill up faster.

WeepingAngel81

I know you don't want to hear the "it's an excuse" line, but it really is. You are also doing nothing for her by feeling sorry for her. What she needs is a support, not sympathy. If she's ready to do this, then she will need to learn to live with the junk in the house. Not saying that her husband shouldn't be supportive, but if he doesn't want/doesn't need to lose weight, he shouldn't have to give up what he enjoys. There are a million other ways to be supportive. Junk food will be in her face no matter where she goes in life. It's not in any way hateful to say that she is making excuse, and by feeling sorry for her, you're allowing the excuses to continue. Perhaps a better question would have been, how should I support my friend?

brraanndi

Since when is common sense hatred? Is her husband tying her down and forcing the cookies into her mouth? No? Then it's an excuse. It sounds like her husband may be used to hearing her talk about dieting and then not proceeding, so he's not taking it seriously. She NEEDS to show him she is serious and that can be done, even with junk in the house. It's called either not eating the cookies OR only having one or two and then eating healthy and exercising.

Don't accuse others of being hateful because they are being blunt and are living in the real world.

I agree. If he's sabotaging her, she needs to buck up and deal with it or get rid of the sabotager. It's going to be alot easier to ignore the cookies in my opinion.

And why does she think she can't have cookies at all, believing you have to cut out types of foods is just a recipe for disaster.

kimosabe1

excuses excuses She is kind of lame if she eats what makes her fat.......!

_EndGame_

It's not your business nor your problem.

This is between her and the husband. If she's incapable of asking him to not buy her junk food, then clearly she has more issues than just food. If he goes out and buys junk, she can say "no" and throw it away/let him eat it, whatever. Unless he physically forces her to eat it, then she does so of her own will.

Not entirely sure what you expect a forum full of strangers to do about your friends husband, to be honest.

briabner

The advice of getting an MFP account is great. That way she can see how many calories are in that junk if she does eat some and then can plan the rest of her day around it. I actually kept my weight loss from my family for the first couple of months because they can be really critical and if I wanted to eat a cookie I did not want anyone telling me that I couldn't have it even though it fit into my calories for the day. My family knows now and is super supportive and not critical at all. I am definitely making it a life style change this time around!

I would suggest to your friend not to tell her husband pointedly. If she does all the cooking and or grocery buying help her with planning healthy meals. The feminist inside of me wants to really tell your friend that its her body, not her husbands. It sounds like she is using her husband as an excuse to start loosing weight. I learned with this time around that you really have to be in the right mental place in order to loose weight. If your head is not in it, then it is almost impossible to loose weight the healthy way.

kowajenn

My son is 6'5" and 160 pounds. My husband is 6'2" and 170 pounds. Suffice to say, there's plenty of high calorie junky food in my house because I've got 2 guys who have a hard time keeping weight on.

My weight problem is mine to own and mine to solve. There's always goodies to be found, everywhere you turn. When your friend is ready to be serious, she'll do it. Until then, tell her about MFP and ask her to let you know when she starts her new life plan. Then back off.

shutyourpieholeandsquat

Until someone is REALLY REALLY ready to do it. They won't. I know, because I've been there too many times.

ironanimal

Eat the cookies.