Normal eating is impossible

ixiHemlock

So I posted here about 6-9 months ago concerning my recovery from disordered eating. I had an underweight BMI (17.3) and was only eating once a day/about 600 calories. Well, now I'm having the opposite problem. I want to eat everything! I can't seem to find a happy medium...I gained about 12 lbs in recovery and I hate it, I feel so fat. I feel like overcompensating for the time I was starving/purging by eating. I feel like it's my only pleasure but I'm so afraid of becoming fat. I'm 5'5, 117lbs now...

Today I had salad, a plum, a peach, raspberries, cherry tomatoes, and some hummus amounting to 1,112cals. MFP wants me to stay at 1,200cals. I can't tell you how much I want to hit up Taco Bell or McDonalds or eat a candy bar. What should I do!? I binged a lot over the weekend...not only does it feel like ****, but it's expensive...sigh. I just want to eat. And eat. And eat. I have no self control anymore.

chrisdavey

you should be trying to get back to maintenance cals which I'd estimate are around 1800ish not 1200. Take your 1200 this week and add 200 per week until you get to around maintenance. Aim for an average over a week so if you do go over (feeling hungry) then you can go a little under the next day. Just don't go to the extremes. Hope that helps.

Stage14

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

CyberEd312

you should be trying to get back to maintenance cals which I'd estimate are around 1800ish not 1200. Take your 1200 this week and add 200 per week until you get to around maintenance. Aim for an average over a week so if you do go over (feeling hungry) then you can go a little under the next day. Just don't go to the extremes. Hope that helps.

This... It is all about finding that balance when you get to maintenance....... Question? Are you/ were you in therapy? I only ask because I have been and still am, it is a great outlet for dealing with eating disorders and working to find that balance.... Best of Luck

Samuraiko

Don't give up.

I can totally understand the "seafood mentality" (you see food, you want to eat it). And I know, eating in moderation can be more than a little difficult. Here are a few things that have worked for me in the past, and that I am re-applying now that I am trying to get my weight back under control.

1) Try to space the food out over the course of the day. Nothing wrong with the salad, plum, peach, raspberries, etc. But see if you can do them a bit farther apart. When I was on my doctor-monitored diet, it was breakfast at 8am, snack at 10am, lunch at 12pm, snack at 2pm, dinner at 5pm-ish, snack at 7pm, in bed by 10-11pm. Snack was a LITTLE something, but at least fruit and vegetables are healthy for you!

2) When I'm seriously jonesing for chocolate, I allow myself two Lindt truffles. And that's it. I sit and savor the taste (knowing that if I'm eating chocolate, at least I'm eating GOOD chocolate) and let it melt in my mouth. And then I'm done.

3) While the sodium might not be as good for me, I'd routinely make myself a cup of chicken bouillon. There's just enough there to make my brain and stomach feel full, and at only 5 calories, it wasn't that huge a splurge.

4) Drink more water when you eat. It makes you feel more full.

5) If you do decide to go for McD's or whatever, don't beat yourself up over it. Try to keep the damage to a minimum (i.e., don't Super-size your order), and maybe skip the soda or get a small fries instead of a medium. Seriously. Last night I went to Buca di Beppo for dinner (the uber-family-size-portion Italian place). I had the mixed greens salad (though I splurged and got the gorgonzola and prosciutto on it) and Stuffed Mushrooms. But I skipped the garlic bread, passed on the wine, and hid the dessert menu. I don't feel guilty because I at least tried to eat sensibly.

I hope this rambling helps.

tl;dr version: Don't beat yourself up. And the MFP is NOT the Ten Commandments. If you go over your daily calories, don't starve yourself the next day. Just look at it and go, "Okay, moving on" and keep trying.

ixiHemlock

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

I don't understand, my BMI is 19.5 now. That's far from underweight...I don't want to gain any more weight. I've been binge eating well over 1,200cals or even 1,800cals by 1,000 calories sometimes.

I'm not eligible for treatment anymore.

CyberEd312

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

I don't understand, my BMI is 19.5 now. That's far from underweight...I don't want to gain any more weight. I've been binge eating well over 1,200cals or even 1,800cals by 1,000 calories sometimes.

I'm not eligible for treatment anymore.

Are you measuring and weighing your food and keeping a daily log???

j6o4

You probably feel fat becuase even tho you are underweight, you might have a high bodyfat percentage. Most likey you lost a lot of lean body mass while eating 600 calories a day. Now you are probably going to have to gain back your lean body mass by eating more + strength training. After you gain some pounds you should eat a small deficit to retain your lean body mass and strip off the fat. Losing weight does not = having a tight and toned body, losing fat and retaining muscle = tight and toned body. Just because you eat a deficit and lose weight does not mean everything you lose is fat. You might have to bulk and cut a few times to get the desired result.

ixiHemlock

This... It is all about finding that balance when you get to maintenance....... Question? Are you/ were you in therapy? I only ask because I have been and still am, it is a great outlet for dealing with eating disorders and working to find that balance.... Best of Luck

No, I'm not in therapy anymore. I changed insurance when I transferred universities and my new plan doesn't cover it.

Don't give up.

I can totally understand the "seafood mentality" (you see food, you want to eat it). And I know, eating in moderation can be more than a little difficult. Here are a few things that have worked for me in the past, and that I am re-applying now that I am trying to get my weight back under control.

1) Try to space the food out over the course of the day. Nothing wrong with the salad, plum, peach, raspberries, etc. But see if you can do them a bit farther apart. When I was on my doctor-monitored diet, it was breakfast at 8am, snack at 10am, lunch at 12pm, snack at 2pm, dinner at 5pm-ish, snack at 7pm, in bed by 10-11pm. Snack was a LITTLE something, but at least fruit and vegetables are healthy for you!

2) When I'm seriously jonesing for chocolate, I allow myself two Lindt truffles. And that's it. I sit and savor the taste (knowing that if I'm eating chocolate, at least I'm eating GOOD chocolate) and let it melt in my mouth. And then I'm done.

3) While the sodium might not be as good for me, I'd routinely make myself a cup of chicken bouillon. There's just enough there to make my brain and stomach feel full, and at only 5 calories, it wasn't that huge a splurge.

4) Drink more water when you eat. It makes you feel more full.

5) If you do decide to go for McD's or whatever, don't beat yourself up over it. Try to keep the damage to a minimum (i.e., don't Super-size your order), and maybe skip the soda or get a small fries instead of a medium. Seriously. Last night I went to Buca di Beppo for dinner (the uber-family-size-portion Italian place). I had the mixed greens salad (though I splurged and got the gorgonzola and prosciutto on it) and Stuffed Mushrooms. But I skipped the garlic bread, passed on the wine, and hid the dessert menu. I don't feel guilty because I at least tried to eat sensibly.

I hope this rambling helps.

tl;dr version: Don't beat yourself up. And the MFP is NOT the Ten Commandments. If you go over your daily calories, don't starve yourself the next day. Just look at it and go, "Okay, moving on" and keep trying.

Thank you for the support. I'll try the bouillon, it's kind of ironic because that was one of my tricks when I was restricting... -.- But I've had more than enough calories today so it should be okay. I did space out the food over today but something about it wasn't satisfying, if that makes sense? Obviously I want to emotionally eat, not have health food. I'm not hungry at all.

Eastendgirl73

I would tell yourself that you can eat whatever you want; give yourself that freedom.

From personal experience, when I try and restrict my food choices and tell myself that I can't have a certain food, then I want that food even more. I find that when I say I can have a cookie for example, I have one or two not 10-12 (or more) which would be the case if I told myself that it was a forbidden food.

Good luck:-)

CoffeeNBooze

Yeah, you're bound to gain weight when you have restricted for awhile and start eating more again. I would suspect the reason you want to eat nonstop is because of your previous deprivation....it's usually one extreme or the other with eating disorders. Can you see anyone for support, like a therapist or a dietician to help you? Feel free to add me, I've been there and back and struggle with some of the same issues.

ixiHemlock

Are you measuring and weighing your food and keeping a daily log???

Yeah, just started back up. My old therapist wanted me to be eating "intuitively" but that's not really working for me...
It's hard to see all those calories...like yesterday I had 2,723cals...like a ton of cupcakes, mac and cheese, taco bell, english muffin...etc...it's so shameful. That's why I tried being good today. But I still want to eat.

SLLRunner

So I posted here about 6-9 months ago concerning my recovery from disordered eating. I had an underweight BMI (17.3) and was only eating once a day/about 600 calories. Well, now I'm having the opposite problem. I want to eat everything! I can't seem to find a happy medium...I gained about 12 lbs in recovery and I hate it, I feel so fat. I feel like overcompensating for the time I was starving/purging by eating. I feel like it's my only pleasure but I'm so afraid of becoming fat. I'm 5'5, 117lbs now...

Today I had salad, a plum, a peach, raspberries, cherry tomatoes, and some hummus amounting to 1,112cals. MFP wants me to stay at 1,200cals. I can't tell you how much I want to hit up Taco Bell or McDonalds or eat a candy bar. What should I do!? I binged a lot over the weekend...not only does it feel like ****, but it's expensive...sigh. I just want to eat. And eat. And eat. I have no self control anymore.

I think your body is telling you to eat more than just that 1,200 calories. With your stated height and weight, you don't need to lose any weight. In fact, it sounds like you either need to maintain or gain (depending on what your doctor tells you that you need to do).

Taco Bell is fine sometimes, but the goal is to learn portion control. Is it possible you can have just a little bit of something you want?

I do know where you come from because I have engaged in bingeing behavior a lot, but not in several months. You can change this behavior if you want, but it does take a lot of work and discipline.

By the way, have you talked to your doctor or recovery counselor/advocate about this?

FizikallyFit

It's a battle with your mind. Although it seems you will never be "normal" with time you will. Are you over eating because your hungry? You need to be patient with your body, learn to love it and appreciate it. If your still "afraid" of gaining weight from eating a healthy caloric amount then you may still need therapy. For me it was eating enough, so I'm learning to space out my meals and eat big enough meals to where I meet my calorie goals.

SLLRunner

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

I don't understand, my BMI is 19.5 now. That's far from underweight...I don't want to gain any more weight. I've been binge eating well over 1,200cals or even 1,800cals by 1,000 calories sometimes.

I'm not eligible for treatment anymore.

If you are comfortable at your weight and your doctor supports you in this, then I you need to set your MFP profile to maintenance.

However, someone else said it-it's normal to gain weight during recovery for an eating disorder.

CyberEd312

Are you measuring and weighing your food and keeping a daily log???

Yeah, just started back up. My old therapist wanted me to be eating "intuitively" but that's not really working for me...
It's hard to see all those calories...like yesterday I had 2,723cals...like a ton of cupcakes, mac and cheese, taco bell, english muffin...etc...it's so shameful. That's why I tried being good today. But I still want to eat.

This is the whole logging it for accountability part of the equation... When I started at 560 lbs. binge eating 10,000 calories a day that is the first thing week 1 my therapist stressed accountability through logging. I needed to see what I was eating and log it. It help change my whole relationship with food, I have always kept hand written journal's (I still like putting pen to paper over log like here on MFP diary) and I have 4 years worth of logs in my home office.

geekyjock76

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

I don't understand, my BMI is 19.5 now. That's far from underweight...I don't want to gain any more weight. I've been binge eating well over 1,200cals or even 1,800cals by 1,000 calories sometimes.

I'm not eligible for treatment anymore.

You may not have much luck eating intuitively because of hunger hormones still being disturbed from restricting. In fact, for a lot of recovering anorexics, their hunger cues never really return to normal and have to make an effort in ensuring they're consuming adequate calories.

Regardless, you shouldn't still be restricting calories at this point.

primal_cupcakes

If you're in school, there may be some counseling services available for free or low cost even though your insurance won't cover it. It sounds like you are still pretty overwhelmed making food choices and paying attention to hunger cues. I would suggest looking for an inexpensive therapist through your school that can give you some support while you heal from your ED. This is the wrong stage in your recovery to be logging calories on MFP. I promise you food and eating doesn't have to be scary or overwhelming. It doesn't have to be starving or bingeing. It's going to get better and easier.

keem88

are your settings at losing or maintenance?
i know how hard it is, i am in recovery as well and some days are really good, others are terrible. it's so hard to find a happy medium, personally i find myself either at a very low intake or not being able to stop eating.
feel free to add me if you need support. sometimes it seems like it really is impossible to eat normally, whatever that even is. sometimes it can take years to fully recover, other times some people don't ever fully recover. but it is possible and if you are doing it alone it will be that much harder. do you have a good support system? for myself, no one in my real life kows what is going on i have some great supportive friends on here who are very helpful and i am greatful to have. also eating disorders annonymous (eda) has in person meetings, phone meetings and online meetings which offer great support. and if it is within your means, a therapist and nutritionist would definitely help you too.

keem88

also stop weighing. seriously throw the scale out or hide it or something. seeing the numbers go up was killing me. i stopped weighing, i knew i was gaining but my clothes all were fitting the same. the numbers can drive you to insanity. i finally weighed after a couple of months from eating in the 600s, slowly upping to 800s, then thousands and i knew i had gained more but when i finally weighed after my body became used to more food, was only up 3 lbs which really helped me, as opposed to seeing the 10 or more i knew i gained initially.
not sure if you are upping your cals all at once? this works for some, for me i couldnt take the full bloating feeling and was tempted to restrict. so every week i upped it by 50 or 100 to steadily get myself into the thousands. this helped me feel mentally and physically better about it. i still have really bad days, like today where i am having a hard time getting my intake up.

keem88

also, try contacting hospitals that are teaching schools. a lot of times they offer low to no cost services for mental health/therapy from grad students or post grad students working on clinical hours, the students provide the services

jenniferb_00

I kind of experienced the same thing you did. I wasn't ever actually diagnosed with an eating disorder, im still not even though my eating is more disordered then ever. I was restricting to 800 calories a day and got as low as 104lbs (Im 5'3). I looked pretty thin and hadn't had a period in over a year. Once my doctor was informed of this i was sent to a dietician and re-fed. I went up to 129 lbs because i literally couls not stop binging, almost every other night, it was bad. I understand how uncomfortable you feel with your body, especially after putting on weight. Im finally down to 117, hoping to get to 113, but its a constant battle. I still restrict and binge eat. I often feel like normal eating as you call it is impossible for me. I am very particular about what i eat and i can;t eat socially because it triggers a binge for me.

Honestly, the binging is really because your body is hungry. I had to face this realization. My body was super hungry and when i finally started feeding it all i wanted was more food. If you slowly increase your calories, maybe my 100 a day each week, that would be my best suggestion. Don't let the binging become a habit for years to come. Its not worth it, and you will feel even worse about your body. If you ever want to talk or anything just message me, im not sure i can help much but id always try.

BarackMeLikeAHurricane

Today I had salad, a plum, a peach, raspberries, cherry tomatoes, and some hummus amounting to 1,112cals.

So basically, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, and a little fat. No wonder you're hungry! Get some protein in and some more fat. I would starve to death on 1200 calories of carb but I can feel stuffed and have to force myself to eat after 400 calories of protein and 200 calories of fat.

cafeaulait7

1200 doesn't sound like a good target if you find you are binging. I couldn't do 1200 myself anyway, but I'm sure sometimes folks in recovery could feel quite full on it If you are binging, though, go on and up your daily intake and see how it makes you feel.

What is the daily intake for your general target weight with a nice, healthy amount of activity? Or is it too hard to imagine a general target weight right now? What is the TDEE of your weight at the BMI you gave in this thread? I bet even that one is higher than 1200!

maracuya23

I highly recommend reading Weightless, a well-written blog by a psychologist specializing in ED issues.

Food doesn't have to have a value judgement attached (good/bad/shameful), and one's self-worth doesn't need to be based on what the scale says. Sometimes, hearing that perspective in another way can be really helpful.

Hope that helps and you can find a healthy balance.

ixiHemlock

Today I had salad, a plum, a peach, raspberries, cherry tomatoes, and some hummus amounting to 1,112cals.

So basically, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, and a little fat. No wonder you're hungry! Get some protein in and some more fat. I would starve to death on 1200 calories of carb but I can feel stuffed and have to force myself to eat after 400 calories of protein and 200 calories of fat.

I thought fruits and veggies were good for you....? I was trying to up my fiber.

Love4fitnesslove4food2

Of course you're gaining weight, that is part of recovering from under eating and being underweight. And you are still under eating, it sounds like. Are you seeing someone for treatment? If not, you should. Because there is just no way that MFp set your goal at 1200 unless you put that your goal was to LOSE weight.

I don't understand, my BMI is 19.5 now. That's far from underweight...I don't want to gain any more weight. I've been binge eating well over 1,200cals or even 1,800cals by 1,000 calories sometimes.

I'm not eligible for treatment anymore.

What YOU want and what YOUR BODY wants are two very different things. Your body wants you to eat enough to sustain its bodily functions and thrive; you want to force your body to remain a certain weight. Those are competing interests and the desire to eat and eat and eat will remain until you can eat an appropriate amount. I've been where you are and didn't understand that being a certain weight/BMI doesn't mean that MY BODY is healthy or happy. You've gained the weight not eating enough and you'll likely continue to gain weight until your body stabilizes--which I suggest you do at a higher calorie amount than you're currently eating. While recovering I wish I would have jumped right in and ate enough to not only gain but to restore my metabolic rate. Overall, I think I gained ~30 pounds before my body was happy; reaching a BMI of ~22 or so. You are far from fat; that's your disorder talking. You cannot and should not live like this forever, please please please don't give up and do not aim for 1200 calories which is very much a "weight loss" calorie target despite the fact that you've been gaining eating that much (or less).

BarackMeLikeAHurricane

Today I had salad, a plum, a peach, raspberries, cherry tomatoes, and some hummus amounting to 1,112cals.

So basically, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, and a little fat. No wonder you're hungry! Get some protein in and some more fat. I would starve to death on 1200 calories of carb but I can feel stuffed and have to force myself to eat after 400 calories of protein and 200 calories of fat.

I thought fruits and veggies were good for you....? I was trying to up my fiber.

Fiber is good but protein is the most important, fat is 2nd, fiber is 3rd. A diet high in carbs but low in fats and protein will leave you starving and malnourished.

Greenrun99

I gained about 12 lbs in recovery and I hate it, I feel so fat. I feel like overcompensating for the time I was starving/purging by eating. I feel like it's my only pleasure but I'm so afraid of becoming fat. I'm 5'5, 117lbs now...

Your 5'5 and 117lbs and you feel fat ... ya that is still pretty skinny so still got a problem there... your body is hungry all the time cause it wants fuel.. 1200 calories still isn't enough.. binge eating is a sign of undereating.. so ya..

cafeaulait7

If it helps you any, I'm 5'6", so very close to your height, and my lean body mass stays around 115 lbs give or take a couple. In dance the girls beside me (by height) would often weigh a whole lot less than me, but it wasn't about fat at all. You very likely lost a lot of muscle weight during your illness. The recovery pounds could be filling back in muscles that are so good for your body and look very nice, too