Laugh: Dangerfield's Best One Liners

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1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over; nobody's home. I
went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy; Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said; Because you
came home early.

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father; "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through".

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, do you think we'll ever find them? He said,
"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect".

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my
kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.