How to deal with hateful family members?

ladymiseryali

My older brother puts me down whenever I go home to see my parents. He eats chocolate, crisps, sweets, cakes, coke, milk, pot noodles and other fatty and unhealthy foods as snacks rather then a main meal and he calls me fat and ugly and that I'll never have a bf, with btw I have I just don't tell anyone cos I know that he would say stuff too. We have never really got on as he had ADD but does that hive him the right to speak to me like that or comment on my weight. He is the only one in the family with the skinny gene,. I just think would he say stuff like that if he was naturally skinny eating rubbish and not going out except once a month. And would rather spend all day playing games than getting a job.

Feels good getting that off my chest

You should kick him in the balls. That will make him stop.

links_slayer

You are 18 years old. You and your family need to realize that you are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions (as well as living with the consequences of those decisions).

GingerLolita

Most teenagers experience similar issues because moms tend to displace their own body image issues onto their daughters. Although everything she says may make you feel hurt or judged, and it's hard to overcome those feelings even with logic on your side, you should know that those commons reflect her issues with herself and it's not really a reflection of who you are.

You said that you have been struggling with disordered eating and you seem to be within a healthy weight range. If possible, see a professional to make sure that you are stable enough to lose weight - although you might not really need to. Your college may have some health resources that could be helpful.

It also doesn't sound like you're eating enough. Not eating enough will stall your weight loss. Figure out your calorie budget on MFP and make sure you either choose a high enough activity level to include your exercise or log your exercises separately. Make sure you don't go below the calorie budget for 2 lb/week weight loss. If you don't feel hungry after exercising, it could be a sign that you're just desensitized to hunger, possibly from unhealthy dieting. Whether or not exercise makes you hungry, you need to consume more food because you're expending energy.

Also, there's nothing wrong with carbohydrates, especially if you stick with whole grains like brown rice.

Hildy_J

Oh sweetie you don't deserve this, you deserve so much better...

Your mum sounds over-critical, controlling and tactless. Like someone else said - show her this post and have a heart-to-heart with her about it. You're an adult and she needs to process that and respect your decisions. The way things are is not healthy for you. If she can't accept that and stop criticising, begin to pull away and don't go back unless she develops a taste for humble pie.

I cut my toxic family loose years ago and have never been happier.

All the best, honey. :flowerforyou:

VoodooAborisha

I know how you feel. You just have to ignore what she is saying. Love her, hug her, but don't believe a word of it. My whole family - brothers, father, mother, told me throughout my youth that I should stop doing ballet and join a sumo wrestling, because I was so fat (I wore an American size 4 (about a British size 6) from the age of 17 until 27, when they were saying these things, doing Ballet 4 hours a week, and was very fit. It wasn't until about a year ago (I am 36 now) that I realized that I never needed to feel bad about myself, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I have an 18 year old niece who is also a dancer, drop dead gorgeous, thin and fit, she is always on a diet because my brother, her mother, and my dad is always telling her how fat she is.

I am not sure I will ever understand why people do that to those they love - it takes years to get over, if one ever does get over it.

You sound like you are doing great, have things figured out - just believe in yourself, and I'll tell you this - the single greatest piece of advice anyone ever gave me:

Don't ever make any major life decisions (where to live, where to go to college, what to study, what job to go for, who to date, who to marry, etc. etc.) based on anyone else's opinions/or wishes other than yourself - you are the one who has to live with the consequences, so you might as well do what YOU want. I am a mother and I can say this for sure: There is not a parent, teacher, priest, friend, or relative in this world that has more authority than you do. Really. Just because they are louder, ruder, or more insistent - it is 100% your decision whether to listen or not.

Most importantly - realize that you will never, ever change your mother/father/family - don't bother trying - that will just lead to frustration because it won't work. Just love them, realize they don't know the damage their actions/words are doing, and feel some compassion for them, since they are obviously confused themselves and possibly/probably miserable on some level, otherwise they wouldn't mistreat you so. This is the nature of family. Loving them does not always include believing what they say. But loving yourself - that always includes believing in your own feelings/thoughts/heart mind.

Good luck. They are only going to make you stronger!

fionarama

I had really critical parents, it kind of messed with my life because when I was your age my sole ambition in life was to leave home becasue of it. Just keep focused on your goals (school, career goals) and try not to let them get to you. Unfortunately some parents think criticising is parenting, its just their way.

karl39x

Just tell her to **** off.

It's that simple.

fionarama

Just tell her to **** off.

It's that simple.

Nope! not that! doesnt' work. rising above and keeping the peace until you are READY to leave home is a better option.

mybonnieliesovertheocean

oh honey, i've been in the exact same boat that you are currently in. you are not alone. i can only tell you the choices that i've made and what has or hasn't worked for me, but whether you follow suit with my advice, i genuinely hope that things improve for you.

i grew up with a strict foreign mother who was overly critical to the point of cruelty.

i believe in her heart, that was her way of vocalizing her ideas of what's best for me, but it always came out badly.

i was accused of everything under the sun... being a drug dealer, a gang banger, a prostitute, pregnant many many many times... and all from the age of elementary school on up.

i was a good kid but the constant belittling almost caused me to die. i was so deeply depressed that my internal organs started shutting down and i was hospitalized as a child. after a few years, i put on some weight but then was told how fat i was on a regular basis and at the time i was probably about a size 6.

when high school rolled around, all hell broke loose. i was disowned from the family and my mother didn't speak to me for 2 years while living under the same roof. that was real torture.

how i handled things; when i decided to take charge of my life, i left home the day i turned 18. initially i moved in with a friend and it was probably the hardest thing i've ever done since i had nothing to my name other than the clothes on my back. it was heart wrenching, but the longer i was gone and the more space i had between myself and my toxic mother, i found some semblance of peace.

i'm 29 now and currently, the relationship between my mother and me is okay. i have always and will always love and respect her, but i set the boundaries of the relationship now. i will not allow her to belittle me anymore without standing up to her immediately.

i visited last month where she saw me exercising. in the middle of it, she told me that my hair looked disgusting because it was getting long. i continued exercising, but turned to look her in the eye and sternly told her that that was an ugly and uneccessary comment. she apologized.

basically, i have to do what is right for me. if i didn't take charge of my life, i promise, i would've died a long time ago.

what is right for me is 1) setting boundaries. i expose myself to my mother as much as I FEEL COMFORTABLE. 2) i vocalize immediately when something i don't like occurs. not the small stuff like bad cooking, but genuine hurtful comments - i just think that parents can be so comfortable with their children that they often may not think before they speak and 3) accepting that i cannot change my mother, but i can change how i react to her.

this has worked for me.

the only big thing i've tried that hasn't worked for me was cutting her out of my life. i didn't see/speak to her for probably 5 years after leaving home. i felt so much pain and sorrow for doing it but i didn't know how else to deal with her. this didn't work for me because i felt guilty for escaping.

this hasn't worked for me.

i would have a heart to heart with your mom. vocalize the truth even if it hurts and you think it's out of place to tell her how you feel. stand up for yourself. i think you'll be surprised what will come from it. she probably honestly doesn't know how you feel. i hope that everything works out for you and if you EVER need a friend to talk to, feel free to add me.

i'm a good listener and i try to give honest, positive, and encouraging feedback.