Lifelong Loser

espchica

Hi.

I'm new to this app, and I am loving it. I was using the supertracker from usda.gov, but since the government shutdown, I couldn't use that tracker anymore. I actually like this one better, and I've seen facebook friends using it.

I've been in a lifelong struggle with obesity. I have been successful with Weight Watchers twice, and I really like that program (I feel like it focuses on healthy eating and not fad dieting). For the first time in my life, I was able to understand how to eat properly. When I was growing up, noone taught me how to eat properly. It was just, "eat until you're full." Nothing about combinations of food either. My mom cooked quite healthy meals, but since the only limit was the empty serving dish, we didn't really learn how to control portions.

When I was in high school, I gained a lot of weight after moving from one school to another, since I had no friends and couldn't participate in any activities, since it was a bigger school, I was depressed and turned to food for comfort. I was sent to a nutritionist, who told me that I ate healthy. I just needed to exercise more and eat less. I tried, but it was really hard, since the rest of my overweight family wasn't doing it with me and made me feel uncomfortable by scrutinizing what I ate (my biggest pet peeve).

By the time I graduated from HS, I was at my heaviest weight I had ever been. I was so embarrassed and shy. But I made a plan to work out and stay fit. It was helpful that I lived in the dorm, so I couldn't grab snacks whenever and ate only when the cafeteria was open. My roommate was a former chubby girl and was into fitness and healthy eating, so we would walk together, pick good food, etc. Within 2 years I was under 200 lbs for the first time since 8th grade. But I wasn't feeling well. I was always tired and sick, my hair was falling out, and I was bruising easily.

My second year of college, I found out I had a large thyroid goiter and was put on thyroid medication. It changed my world. For the first time in my life, I had energy and didn't feel fatigued and depressed all the time.

My third year of college, I started hanging out with a different group of friends. They were not into fitness, and I gained a little weight but still managed to do pretty well. I continued to go up and down by 20 lbs every year after that.

When I graduated college, I moved across country by myself, and I really loved it, but I had started gaining weight in the past few years again even though I was still eating less and moving more. I also had a car totaling accident within a month of moving, and I was injured, so I couldn't work out. Then we had a flood in our apartment, and my roommate got in a car accident, which I was involved in, and was injured again.

Finally after recuperating over 6 months, I joined a gym and started doing weight watchers. I got down to about a little over 200 lbs., but again, I felt fatigued. I ended up going to the doctor and found out I had thyroid cancer, so I had a complete thyroidectomy and a round of RAI treatment.

That next year I worked my butt off at the gym and Weight Watchers because I was determined to stay healthy after having had cancer. I had a follow up appointment a year later, which showed that the cancer had not been successfully destroyed, so I had to have another round of RAI. I was devastated, depressed, and angry. Why did this happen to me after I had worked so hard?

So, the weight started going up, and my mood started going down. I lost my job a few years later and had to start working at 2 part time jobs to pay the bills. I was working 12 hours a day at minimum and had to work weekends, holidays, and every day in between. I had no time to take care of myself. I had no more money to spend on WW or the gym, so I quit both...biggest regret of my life.

Finally, after 2 years, I decided I had had enough of the horrible jobs and work hours, and I finally found full-time employment. It was a grueling job still working an average of 10 hours a day, and working to pay off medical bills, etc. But at least it was a bit less stress than before and had potential for me to move up.

About 8 months ago, I was semi-promoted, and my job is a lot of office work in the morning and in the afternoons, I get to walk around sites helping people. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been, but I am the most optimistic and have the best energy I've had in a long time. Within these 8 months, I have improved my quality of life and really focused on eating right and exercising.

I still don't have a lot of money and am still working to pay off debt, but I decided I had had enough of killing myself for others and decided to put myself second (after God). I am slowly progressing, and I just injured my back again about a week ago, but I'm not going to give up. I deserve better.

So, I am a lifelong loser--of weight, of depression, of illness. I want to lose that all, so I can help others become lifelong losers, too.

AKEBONOJR

Sounds like you have had a rough go of it. I can relate to that feeling when people judge what you are eating, my mom used to do that all the time and it makes it hard to eat right when you feel shamed for it. Its nice to read that things are on an upswing, and hopefully with the help of this program you can keep that positive momentum going!

espchica

Thanks so much for your response! I am very positive about it at this point, and I know I will need to keep that up. I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but my biggest pet peeve is when people scrutinize what I eat. I hate it because it brings me back to that adolescent experience. When I was on Weight Watchers and people knew it, they would often say, "You're allowed to eat that?" or "Wow, you can eat that?" or if I wasn't eating something, "what, are you on a diet?" None of your business!