"Boyfriend Problems" but still need to lose weight

Jziller

Also dump that Jerk forever. If you're not his number 1 now, you will never be.

Koldnomore

If you have hormonal issues I would suggest seeing a doctor and working with a dietitian to develop a program for you. There are a lot of 'red flags' in your posts. First and foremost you say that you have to work out hard and not eat to lose weight. This is neither healthy nor sustainable and will only cause more issues. If you really have a medical condition then you need medical supervision for weight loss.

As for a relationship.. forget it. You are not ready, you have too many issues and too much baggage. As someone said earlier.. You need to take care of you and your kids. I met my current boyfriend when I was almost 230 lbs. He loves me unconditionally and always has so that excuse doesn't work. Finding a relationship has nothing to do with your weight..Its 100% mental. If you are confidant and take care of yourself, dress for your size, have a good attitude and a positive outlook someone WILL find you attractive though it may not be the first guy who has shown you any kindness. Work on you and the rest will come.

jwalling1221

I've never replied on a forum before, but the heartache in your words compels me to interject. First let me say that confidence in yourself is MANDATORY for attracting consistent attention from men. I know I'm breaking "man law" here, but men only tend to chase woman who seem desperate because they appear to be an easy target for sex and they are easy to keep on the hook.

Find confidence in who you are. You are RIGHT NOW perfect. Everyday in everyway you need to see that. The same reason woman think they are all fat in high school, yet look back at those pictures wishing they were that skinny is the same way woman look at themselves at any given moment during everyday life. When a woman loses 15 pounds she feels so excited about her appearance and she exudes confidence. It is this confidence that attracts us, not the weight lost. I SWEAR THIS TO BE TRUE.

One of the most beautiful woman on TV is the fluffy blond haired chef from "Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" Anne Burrell. She may be approaching 190 pounds give or take what TV adds, but her confidence and personality are so addictive that I find her irresistible. This law of human attraction is true for everyone in some form or another.

Love is an addiction like food or tobacco that goes away as soon as you quit giving it power over you.

My advice, forget the married guy. Find beauty in that mirror of yours. Forget TV unless its recorded so that you can skip commercials and all of those food and beauty ads that subconsciously give us delusional views of what we are supposed to look like and make us more likely to eat out of habit.

Find that piece of yourself that you are proud of and keep adding more positive pieces to your self esteem from there. You are the judge of your happiness and you control how other people view you by how you view yourself.

Heartbreak sucks. Feeling alone and without direction sucks. Loving the wrong man sucks. When you find that man that puts a Band-aide on the part of your soul that makes you feel wounded, the man that completes you, it wont be a man that makes you feel insecure or is full of excuses.

Forgive me if I offended anyone, my intent was pure and real.

Good luck.



Jordan

Sporteee

Not any more.. no.. right now.. he is not my boyfriend. He is my ex boyfriend who may may never deal with finalizing his divorce...he offered her half, she refused and wants more than half. And so they are not dealing with it. I am not waiting. He will need a couple of years to heal and should have told me the whole scoop from the beginning instead of months down the road.

TX_Rhon

Not any more.. no.. right now.. he is not my boyfriend. He is my ex boyfriend who may may never deal with finalizing his divorce...he offered her half, she refused and wants more than half. And so they are not dealing with it. I am not waiting. He will need a couple of years to heal and should have told me the whole scoop from the beginning instead of months down the road.

He offered her this........she said that..........Sweetie, you are getting only his side of the story. Boys sometimes lie!

You deserve fror someone to treat you like his #1 - not his #1maybe or his #1until!!!

Good luck :flowerforyou:

heatherlas

You totally need to focus on yourself. You need to like and love yourself before anyone else does. And you need to know that IT IS OK TO BE SINGLE. You do not need a man in your life to show that you have a good life. Learn to live and respect yourself an not think about trying to hook up with someone. Find activities and hobbies and goals that keep you interested.

Sporteee

I see doctors for the hormonal issues already.. it is a very common disorder. The medicine is very expensive. So that is a problem.
I am on a bio-identical thyroid because synthetic does not work for me, and d-chiro-inositol. When I am even 20 pounds overweight I get male pattern hair problems, etc...and the weight is predominantly in the middle like a man... so it is clearly a hormonal cycle. When I am at a reasonable weight, like 172.... some of the hormonal masculinizing symptoms lessen and I have more energy... but I had nearly 70 extra pounds that would not budge until I got on both of these supplements and I worked out like crazy. So yes it is very definitely partially hormonal and there is no magic pill without extreme exercise it absolutely does not work... I accept that.. a lot of people have similar problems because insulin resistance has its related effects. If these symptoms sound familiar to you women of childbearing age you can check out the soulcysters website for more information.

Sporteee

Also dump that Jerk forever. If you're not his number 1 now, you will never be.

Yes.. i know.... I know work is his number 1.. and that is very likely why his stbx has not spoken a word to him in years. He is terrific when he is right in front of me... but the rest of the time he is an adrenaline junkie who is literally responding to emergencies and he is really some kind of hero to the community.. but he sucks as a boyfriend and just does not put the time into most of life outside of work. And.. his whole department is like that.. it is reinforced... when he says he has an emergency at work, he really does and it is probably going to be on the news eventually... first responders... it is a rough life. I have empathy for his stbx ... even though she went cold over 10 years ago.. I am sure, very sure his job came first and she felt abandoned. You have all heard it.. a lot of the people who serve our country and community have severe stress on their family lives. So I do not even blame her for having a boyfriend and all the stuff she did... I am sure it started with him always putting the job before her.

missdibs1

Before I even completed paragraph 1 of your tale, I said to myself, that man is married. Voila I was correct. You cannot consider someone who does not make you a priority (booty calls) your bf/potential life partner.

You need to acknowledge your naivitee. If you don't, this may happen again.

Your story indicates that your current weight is a point of distress. Focus on that then. Go to a gym/outside/move around and smile!

Sporteee

Before I even completed paragraph 1 of your tale, I said to myself, that man is married. Voila I was correct. You cannot consider someone who does not make you a priority (booty calls) your bf/potential life partner.

You need to acknowledge your naivitee. If you don't, this may happen again.

Your story indicates that your current weight is a point of distress. Focus on that then. Go to a gym/outside/move around and smile!

Yes.. absolutely... I am naive.. I get outside, I coach sports, I am involved with the children's activities, I smile. I am kind and self aware.. but I have always been too trusting, naive and I was terribly taken advantage of by my narcissistic ex husband and I am too forgiving and working on it in therapy, reading books etc. I feel like I should ask to see the divorce papers next time.. but I know that is ridiculous. But no way am I ever going to invite a man into my life again when I have not seen his house, met his friends and probably paid for one of those database search programs to to see if he is married or what. I do know a lot of people who really did file for divorce and their ex fought over the house and money for many, many years. It does happen. I just had no clue she would drop in and out of his house whenever she did not get along with her boyfriend.. or whatever the heck is going on... so she technically still has a key and is totally unpredictable about if she will be at her boyfriend's house or if she will be at the house she has been asked to leave, but she co-owns it and refuses .. so he can only get her out if the judge makes her go.. and that is expensive, that means missing work, that means pissing off his grown children ... he is the only one who can make that happen and I do not want in the middle of it. I don't want to even hear about it if her boyfriend wants his house but cannot afford it .. or whatever the problem is.. with her. I hope to never meet her. I am sorry for his drama... but I really thought he was free and he is really in a mess. I am legally free.. but I am really in a mess because my ex is a stalker. But... I am not causing it.

Syriene

Create a clean slate. Delete his number, email address, etc so you won't be tempted. If you are friends with him on any social media sites, unfriend/hide him from your list so you don't have to see his info constantly. Like the others said, focus on you. Once you have built yourself back up, the right one will find you.

5n0wbal1

Take care of yourself. A man will respect a woman that has her head on straight and knows her own self. A woman who is dependent on validation from her man is far from attractive and can be seen as clingy.

If you need a good reason to take care of yourself that isn't self-centered, think of your children. They are watching your example. Give them a good example that you will be proud to watch them copy. Teach them that it is okay to be the best version of themselves and that they should put their health and well-being first.

Naomi0504

I agree with everything pp's have said, and wanted to add: don't believe everything he tells you about his wife

Myhaloslipped

He sounds like he is full of crap. I don't know him, but it sounds like he is lying about the situation with his wife. Unfortunately, this is a fairly common situation. Dump him and focus on yourself. You will be better off. I am sorry this happened to you. It is never easy when someone gives you every indication that you have something special together, and everything somehow falls apart.

toridehaven

Darlin', until you are happy with yourself you wont find happiness with anyone else. First and foremost, learn to love you for you. Make the changes you talked about because you want them not for anyone else. Confidence is way sexier then the perfect body...

Sporteee

Thanks, I admire that you all seem to be good at moving on.

missdibs1

Before I even completed paragraph 1 of your tale, I said to myself, that man is married. Voila I was correct. You cannot consider someone who does not make you a priority (booty calls) your bf/potential life partner.

You need to acknowledge your naivitee. If you don't, this may happen again.

Your story indicates that your current weight is a point of distress. Focus on that then. Go to a gym/outside/move around and smile!

Yes.. absolutely... I am naive.. I get outside, I coach sports, I am involved with the children's activities, I smile. I am kind and self aware.. but I have always been too trusting, naive and I was terribly taken advantage of by my narcissistic ex husband and I am too forgiving and working on it in therapy, reading books etc. I feel like I should ask to see the divorce papers next time.. but I know that is ridiculous. But no way am I ever going to invite a man into my life again when I have not seen his house, met his friends and probably paid for one of those database search programs to to see if he is married or what. I do know a lot of people who really did file for divorce and their ex fought over the house and money for many, many years. It does happen. I just had no clue she would drop in and out of his house whenever she did not get along with her boyfriend.. or whatever the heck is going on... so she technically still has a key and is totally unpredictable about if she will be at her boyfriend's house or if she will be at the house she has been asked to leave, but she co-owns it and refuses .. so he can only get her out if the judge makes her go.. and that is expensive, that means missing work, that means pissing off his grown children ... he is the only one who can make that happen and I do not want in the middle of it. I don't want to even hear about it if her boyfriend wants his house but cannot afford it .. or whatever the problem is.. with her. I hope to never meet her. I am sorry for his drama... but I really thought he was free and he is really in a mess. I am legally free.. but I am really in a mess because my ex is a stalker. But... I am not causing it.

Here is my advice:

All of these "thiings" you are listing, while tragic/influential/true, are cyclic.

Really read what you have written. To me, an outsider, it is a list of triggers/distractions.

Try this:

Set a daily goal (n'importe quoi) and a long term goal.

Achieve them/empower yourself.

Start small! Dream big!

Sporteee

All of these "thiings" you are listing, while tragic/influential/true, are cyclic.

Really read what you have written. To me, an outsider, it is a list of triggers/distractions.

Try this:

Set a daily goal (n'importe quoi) and a long term goal.

Achieve them/empower yourself.

Start small! Dream big!
[/quote]
Forgive me, this is long...

Thank you all for not flaming me and calling me names and all the other crap people do online sometimes.
I need a few big brothers and big sisters to encourage and point out steps for me. So yes... I am laying it out there. I need steps to look for next time. Steps to process grief. Steps to not get involved sexually before the guy has proven more things. Because yes I know I cannot handle another sexual encounter with a man who is not ready to really honestly pursue a life with a woman (either married or living together, fully committed.) I hate to even mention living together, I am that conservative about relationships, but it is the reality of life if the ex won't pay for the children's college if I ever get married.. that i have to possibly accept something that is truthfully against my beliefs just because I am forced to by divorce laws unless I remarry some kind of millionaire.. this first responder is just a regular guy.. "from the wrong side of the tracks".. not a millionaire and I am not in any way pursuing wealth. I want true companionship and fun for life with someone who is easygoing and a joy. It is not about money at all.

I appreciate the advice of you "outsiders" ... anonymous friends. Really I do.
I have a very busy life with many short and long term goals. I am a very high achiever. I have a great degree of success in many areas of life which I will not detail because I like to be anonymous.

But absolutely I have been too trusting and too naive with men. I do not know how to bring the idea of goals into the relationship realm at all.. other than I have to sit on my hands much longer and somehow force myself to be much more sure of a man before I let my heart out next time. I have never been good at that. I would appreciate tips. I am very passionate and it is very hard for me to wait more than 2 months for sex especially after not getting any for more than a decade of marriage. But at this point I think I literally have spent more time crying or being depressed over this guy than I have ever spent in bed with him. And.. I had more bed time with him in a few months than I did with my ex husband in more than a decade and a half .. so that tells you how very little I have had any intimacy in my life since before G.W. Bush was president. But I am very bad with heartbreak and very bad with casual sex.. it is not for me.

In business I am a negotiator and firm. I was very close to my father and I am very used to being a confidante and best friend of a man. I also have only been dumped once in my life and that was high school... then the guy came begging me back years later. So... I just have not much experience with men in relationships, I have a ton of male friends. I am very sporty and I coach so I am very well integrated into the men that watch and play sports world. I had a few long term relationships and a very long term marriage that was with someone I later learned is has narcissistic personality disorder. After his temper tantrums became unbearable, years after he hit me, he hit my child so I dumped him. I am overly loyal in male female relationships. In co-dependents anonymous they call it a "compliance pattern". It is typical of children who had to take care of alcoholic parents. So I am intellectually aware of most of my issues but I have trouble dealing with the deep pain.

The deep pain causes stress that makes injuries (pre-existing from a serious assault) act up, makes it difficult to work out and the whole weight, stress hormone thing can snowball. So I have to get really tough with myself and not allow myself to cry and cry.
This is hard for me. I do not understand emotionally that anyone would deceive me that has been close to me even though I have years of hard evidence that my ex husband used me for money and is now trying to punish me because when I dumped him he no longer can use my family for money that he feels entitled to (classic narcissist). That is where I would say you called it right that naivete with men is a kind of stronghold with me. I do not know how to break it and not be one of the bitter man hater types. I love men, I have great fun joking with men. I work with men. I am not a man hater. I don't know why the naivete is a stronghold and I do fear being bitter and not wiling to trust. It is a polly anna kind of all you need is love streak. Like I am a tough person in business but I am a preschool teacher, always sunny in a relationship. I know .. you are hearing that horrible Stand by your Man song by Tammy Wynette as he beats the crap out of her. Kind of. Yes your comments about how to take this step by step with men and how to be firm when you want sex and it is not yet time.... all of that... is welcome... because I have to beat this and not repeat this. My kids need a strong mom who only has the healthiest most respectful and funloving relationship to model to them... I cannot change that they are going to spend hours with a bully control freak Dad.

So .. I am trying to learn how to process grief ... another loss after many years of some pretty bad losses I will not detail but .. some people have said they have no idea how I have survived with a sense of humor after so much injustice and so many lies told by my ex husband. There are a lot of true stories that echo the same themes, where the abusers when found out go on the warpath and try to ruin your life.. in all areas. So I have been through so much. And I was a total fool and take total responsibility for believing the bullstuff when my ex husband said don't call the cops on me it will ruin our business and I won't be able to work again. I should have called the cops on him. At least 3 times I did not do that and my entire life has been turned upside down as he tried to make me look like the bad guy because I did not protect myself by getting a police record when he was violent.
But that is stuff I hear every week in the domestic violence recovery group, so I do not think I will ever fall for a control freak again, or even believe one.

The recent boyfriend is normal and stable.. just in a divorce mess. Not any kind of high drama.. but he is avoiding dealing with his divorce. I cannot live in limbo.

My greatest joy of late and the least stress and the most fun I have had in a few years was spending time with this very easygoing man. I love him.

I recognize now that he is in the middle of his own couple of crisisis. I cannot expect him to act normal or even always consider my point of view or needs. So that is my own fault .. for not recognizing that he is not capable of meeting my needs when he is in a divorce. I knew he was in a divorce, but I thought she had moved out and was living with her boyfriend all the time. I did not know she really comes and goes without warning so much that he cannot live a life with any privacy in his own home.

I did not share much of his personal situation because of his privacy. However.. when I dumped him in August when finding out his wife still comes and goes in the house even though he filed for divorce... I thought he lied to me by not telling me she was still there, still had a key and a room. He came back and swore to me he had always told the truth and somehow we miscommunicated. He was very convincing. So if I am to believe him.. then obviously the bottom line is still the same.. he is not in the least bit ready for a relationship, he has to finish his divorce. I am very upset that he did not communicate clearly .. but I think I am also mad that he does not know what he wants. I should have more compassion, but also be very firm to realize he is just too confused right now to know what he wants and I should leave him alone.

If he comes back in 2 years, great. I am very mad that he advertised himself as single, when he should have said "It's complicated". I am angry with myself for not waiting and testing him longer and asking more questions.. but mostly insisting on a few things. Like.. make him show me his house before getting physical. If I had done that.. I would have seen.. this is not a man with a bunch of boxes in the corner like someone is moving.. this a a man in the middle of a fight where they both want the house and neither are budging.

So.. his ordeal may be a long one. He would be a terrible boyfriend during that time .... and I don't want to be on the receiving end of that. I do believe it is definitely over emotionally with the wife and has been over for more than 15 years. But.. since he put up with it for so long... and lived with her after she declared she does not love him.. for so long "for the children" (who are now 30)... then I do not believe he necessarily has the guts to force the issue and either force her out or move out himself and I think they may co-exist in the state of the roommate I avoid forever. That is not okay with me. He had 5 months where he could have described this problem to me and did not. I took that as a major deception. He insists he told me... my memory is better than that.. but he did have a conversation where he was very nervous and mumbling that I did not understand at all 5 months ago.. so I can only assume if he is telling the truth.. that is when he was telling me the details I did not hear.
Then.. I proceeded to let red flags slide for months myself because we were having a fun, easygoing relationship and it was a great joy. He also had a grown child living with him who has a child .. so his grandkids were an excuse for me not to be over there. I regret not insisting or walking earlier before I really became bonded to him.

So I am trying to remind myself again and again that he would be a horrible boyfriend right now and he is years away from being ready. I am trying to not be so mad about it as realize that he is confused and did not articulate what he wants. Although he has
the ability to speak clearly after he is calm and gets to know you, he did used to stutter and he tends to really swallow his words when he is nervous. At the beginning... I did miss a few things.. I did not press him on it.. because I was trying to be light and not press him. I did not ever suspect it would be something as important as my stbx wife sometimes still lives at my house even though I made an offer to buy her out and asked her to leave, but she won't accept the offer or leave because she wants me to give her the whole house.

I just did not hear it. I do not think it was a deliberate lie or a deliberate betrayal anymore. He is deeply sorry we misunderstood each other. And he is doing the classic man flip flop pull back where he comes close and then runs away.. because he was not expecting to meet someone special and he apparently cannot handle it or accept it.

I know I deserve someone who is not flip flopping, is ready to appreciate me and who knows what he wants in life. I have very very clear goals and I articulate them and they have not changed since I was 22.

But this week I cry for a couple of reasons... I miss him and I cannot believe he actually could even consider that I would in any way entertain a casual meantime relationship. I have so clearly said what I am looking for and I am just not in the least bit the type to have a fling. I have little kids at home it is totally obvious I am in PTA mom mode and get my business kickstarted after a huge battle over it in divorce. I am very insulted and I have to figure out how to re-package that in my mind.

I would welcome suggestions on how to self talk when you feel misunderstood and disrespected by someone you love.

I do not in the least expect him to go from divorce confusion to love in the next few months now that I know what a mess he is in the middle of. But I do expect him to treat me with the respect to treat someone he may consider as a long term partner in the future and not play with my heart. He says a lot of very loving things that confuse me.

So timing is just terribly wrong, I do not trust him to follow through because I have seen an avoidant pattern that I am not even sure he understands would really distress me. And that is part of what makes me mad...

I need help not feeling insulted, dumped, and abandoned.. when I know emotionally he feels close and wants to be with me but practically it will not work this year or next until he moves his own mountains. I see him avoiding the mountain.