Parenting advice from strangers

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  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
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    admission. lol. of course they are.
  • ElliottTN
    ElliottTN Posts: 1,614 Member
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    Opinion would probably change if I knew more background but as stands now, if she wanted to go and her friends are going then yes.
  • lilawolf
    lilawolf Posts: 1,690 Member
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    It depends. Is she a responsible young lady who will make good choices? Do you have a good enough relationship that she would call you for a ride if things get bad? Even if she is drunk or did something else you would not approve of? Is she going with a group of friends HER age that are unlikely to drink/have sex/do drugs? Otherwise she is more likely to give in to peer pressure by the older people if she is alone. Is there adult supervision that you trust?

    Could you have a party at your house for all of her friends? Even promise to leave for a while? Or let them each have one wine cooler or something? Learn about responsible drinking and fun?

    I never got to do ANYTHING when I was young and it really sucked. It was harder to fit in, I rarely had any fun, and I felt really left out all of the time. That is hard. I knew a couple other people that rebelled really hard because they weren't allowed to do anything. Nothing became everything. They hadn't been taught responsibility, restraint, safety etc. They were already "misbehaving" so why not go truly crazy? On the other hand, no rules and anything goes by parents end up leading to the same thing. It's all a balance.
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
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    I would not be letting her go.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
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    My daughter is a freshman. I have to say, she probably wouldn't want to go, given all the other info … she's far too independent to do what the entire school is doing, just because they're doing it. (edit: not saying she's contrary, just that she doesn't follow the crowd just because)

    But if she did, I would probably tell her it's not a good idea. It sounds like he's setting up for getting away with some sort of crap. Better to not put oneself in a potentially risky situation. How about arranging a small party for her and her friends, where they know what's going to be going on and know (and like) everyone who will be there. :flowerforyou:
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    How much of the criminal activity and the bullying does she know about?
  • Vivian06703188
    Vivian06703188 Posts: 310 Member
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    It might be a way to force the parents to see the behavior of their son's. Let her go with a camera or video recorder. If anything goes wrong sue the pants off the parents. ( Not very nice but it would put a stop to the crap )

    I take that back, I didn't know the age. There is a big difference in the kind of bullying. I thought she was younger. It is dangerous to let a young woman go to a party like that, with Roofies and other date rape drugs out there. I guarantee the parents won't be supervising that party.
  • runningvegan
    runningvegan Posts: 65
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    The world is full of rich people who get away with all sorts of immoral activities. Taking a stand by not letting your daughter go isn't going to make one bit of difference with that. If you were ever faced with the choice of paying $ to keep your kid out of jail or letting the justice system handle it, what would you do? I'd probably pay. I don't fault the parents for that. (Not knowing any details of the story, of course.)

    With that said, I probably wouldn't let my kid go anyway. There is most likely going to be alcohol or other inappropriate activities involved. The kid's parents won't be able to monitor it all.
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
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    Personally, I wouldn't let her go. Parties where an entire school is invited often have many bad endings for many people (arrests, drinking & driving deaths, date rape, etc).
  • JoelleAnn78
    JoelleAnn78 Posts: 1,492 Member
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    Freshman? Upperclassman? Hmmm, whole school invited. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Despite what they may or may not have done in regards to the law, bullying and such -- No, my daughter would not be going. Too young, and too many potential issues.

    ETA: I have a son, and, just so we are clear, no he woud not be going either.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    It depends. Is she a responsible young lady who will make good choices? Do you have a good enough relationship that she would call you for a ride if things get bad? Even if she is drunk or did something else you would not approve of? Is she going with a group of friends HER age that are unlikely to drink/have sex/do drugs? Otherwise she is more likely to give in to peer pressure by the older people if she is alone. Is there adult supervision that you trust?

    Could you have a party at your house for all of her friends? Even promise to leave for a while? Or let them each have one wine cooler or something? Learn about responsible drinking and fun?

    I never got to do ANYTHING when I was young and it really sucked. It was harder to fit in, I rarely had any fun, and I felt really left out all of the time. That is hard. I knew a couple other people that rebelled really hard because they weren't allowed to do anything. Nothing became everything. They hadn't been taught responsibility, restraint, safety etc. They were already "misbehaving" so why not go truly crazy? On the other hand, no rules and anything goes by parents end up leading to the same thing. It's all a balance.
    I was not a terribly strict parent with my daughter and my parents were not with me.

    She still wouldn't have been allowed to go to something like this and I probably wouldn't, either. Though I probably wouldn't have even asked ...

    There is a line between too permissive and too strict. You don't have to allow your children to do things that are clearly a bad idea in order to keep them from rebelling.
  • BobMcCloskey
    BobMcCloskey Posts: 117
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    Nope, my daughter wouldn't go. But I would invest some considerable time explaining the "why" behind the decision. Committed crime and "got away with it" and bullied a friend and got away with it.....These are not the type of people I want my daughter socializing with.

    I like the idea from the one person who said "send her with a video camera" given the propensity for these boys to engage in inappropriate behavior and then "get away with it" means that THEIR parents are not parenting at all!

    Given the above, expect alcohol and drugs to be at this party, and expect date rape to run rampant as well.


    Notify the police about this party.
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
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    I would prefer my child did not attend. And I might plan something super fabulous and fun for my child and his/her closest friends that night, so they had something else to do/good reason to not go, lest classmates quiz them about it and so that they know there are always altenatives to hanging out with people who may not be the best...
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I would prefer my child did not attend. And I might plan something super fabulous and fun for my child and his/her closest friends that night, so they had something else to do/good reason to not go, lest classmates quiz them about it and so that they know there are always altenatives to hanging out with people who may not be the best...
    I have a strong feeling that a lot of her classmates will not be permitted to attend this party.

    Although in this day of "do what you want because I don't want you to be unhappy" parenting, maybe they will.
  • bluestarlight19
    bluestarlight19 Posts: 419 Member
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    I think a lot depends on the circumstances. Being only a freshman, I would say no, she's too young. Maybe if she was a junior or senior, maybe. But...I think it depends on what the boys "criminal activity" was. That is kind of vague. Was it harassment? rape? stealing? threatening? drugs? etc. Why were the charges dropped? Does she know? Does she know any "inside" (rumors) information that is going around the school?
    Also, I would be calling the parents throwing the party asking if there would be supervision and if they needed any volunteer supervisors (me!!), and or if there was going to be police present since it is a large party. Good idea, notifying the police of the party. Also, ask the parents why there is a fee? Is it to make up the money for paying off the charges? Know what kind of daughter you have on your hands. Is she just itching for a chance to let loose and may make some bad desicions? or is she usually cautious and smart about things. All important questions.
  • georgina1970
    georgina1970 Posts: 333 Member
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    Freshman, does that make 13-14yrs old.
    Parties that big usually get out of control, for all the previously mentioned dubious behaviours.
    Why not hold your own party and let parents know what's planned.
  • Whtmask
    Whtmask Posts: 219 Member
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    I'd let her go. If she's in high school, she's old enough to start making some of her own decisions about what kind of a person she wants to be.

    If you have an issue with how the kids are acting and the related consequences at school, that is something to take up with the principal and school board. Telling your daughter that she can't go to the party won't make one bit of difference to those kids. It could mean a lot to your daughter and it is kind of passive aggressively asking her to fight your battles.

    I might check with the parents of the kids to make sure there will be no alcohol and adequate supervision however.

    This.
  • KiwiJewels
    KiwiJewels Posts: 36 Member
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    The majority vote seems to be no, and as the mother of a teenage daughter, I would agree! These kids aren't friends, this isn't that important a party, this is just wanting to do what everyone else is doing - peer pressure pure and simple. Good chance to teach her that you don't have to do things, just because "everyone else is" and you can't always get what you want!

    The whole situation sounds like a recipe for disaster, and better she is momentarily disappointed then you ending up having something to seriously regret for the rest of your life! Explain why not, as much as you see fit, and let her plan something with her real friends - the other parents will probably thank you for it :-)
  • dennik15
    dennik15 Posts: 97 Member
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    But peer pressure being what it is I'd let my daughter go if everyone else is, no point making a stand on your own - sadly life is like this anyway .

    Peer pressure is not a good reason for a parent to allow their child to do anything. Especially at 14 years old (or thereabout). My boys are this age (12 and 14) and no way would they be going to this party. First of all, mixing 14 year olds with 18 year olds is a recipe for disaster. There is a world of difference in maturity and experience. Secondly, I am trying to raise my kids to be independent thinkers and me giving in to peer pressure is not a good example to set. On top of that, according to the info given, these kids are potentially criminals and bullies. There is no reason in the world to purposely expose your kids to that.

    So no...don't let your daughter go (IMHO).
  • mclgo
    mclgo Posts: 147 Member
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    Thank you all for sharing your opinions - you all sound a lot like me.
    A bit more information:

    1. My daughter is wise and makes good choices for a 14-year-old, and we have a great open relationship. However, she doesn't want to be the "only" kid not going.
    2. We've had a good talk about why I'm resistant, but she's a teen and doesn't really see it through a parent's eyes.
    3. You are right - if these parents pressured the school and victims into letting the charges drop, they probably aren't the best chaperones for a giant shindig full of teens.
    4. This decision sucks.

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