Inlaws or Outlaws

bookwormer28

So my husband and I have been married for two years. It is both our second marriage, and we were both married for 10 years the first go around. I think marriage is a wonderful thing. BUT, and there always seems to be a but, we have had some major challenges. One challenge has been the relationship he has with his family. I love my family, however, they live in a different state five hours away, so I don't see them as much as I like. We talk once a week or so (sometime more, some times less) on the phone just to check in and make sure all is well. My husband's family lives ten minutes away, (He actually wanted to buy the house right next door to his Dad's house--NOT). His immediate family consist of his twin sisters, who are 48 and have never left home, his mom is deceased. So his sisters and Dad live together. My husband talks to his family every day, several times a day. I saw the dynamics of his family life before we married, so to make sure there would be no misunderstandings after we got married, I told him, I was not going to spend a significant amount of time at his family Dad's house. I asked him if this was going to be a problem for him because if so, we could call the wedding off. He wanted to go to his families house every weekend and every holiday and for me that is out of the question. We both have kids and I like to spend holidays (Christmas especially) with the kids in our home. However, I am not disinclined to go to his families house during some holidays. For example, I suggested we spend this Thanksgiving with his family and not cook at our house.

At any rate, once we got married for about three months, he asked me to go with him to his Dad's house almost every weekend and I would say no, which ultimately lead to big blow out. So most of the time, he goes alone, not all of the time; however, there are many times that I accompany him about once every three months and we've done Easter, Father's Dad, his Dad's birthday, and the 4th of July at his Dads for the last two years-remember we've only been married for two years. Oh to be clear, his family never comes to our house.

Major challenge number two. We were married October 2011, he had a heart attack and stroke October 21012. Yep 11 months and 14 days later. Stayed in the hospital four months and I was there EVERY day except for when Supper Storm Sandy hit. The first three days, he was in ICU and I was there from 8 in the morning til the hospital personnel kicked me out at 10:00 at night. Once he was on the floor I did the same thing. Now, marriage is for better or worse, but (again with the but), that is a heck of a first year. However, while he was in the hospital his sisters came maybe 10 times (and honestly that's stretching it a little in their favor) and when they came, they complained about how tired they were from going to the grocery store and such. Mind you, I have been by his side nonstop for days basically, haven't been to the grocery store, washed clothes or been to work, but they were tired. And for whatever reason, almost every time they would come to the hospital the would upset him terribly and then leave for me to pick up the pieces. Needless to say, I was extremely irritated with the whole situation. Lastly, they didn't even offer to sit with him to help out, or offer to bring me a meal while I was basically glued to his bedside. So of course, now I'm even more disinclined to visit. I think what irritates me the most is that he was always talking about how great his family is but after he became ill, the only person other than my self that really helped him was his Dad. I was really astounded by this because neither of his sister have ever been married, they don't have kids and really have no responsibility.

At any rate, he is now up and better, back to work after being out for five months. But now on to challenge number three. When I married my husband I knew that he was an emotionally driven man--very sensitive. I was learning how to adjust to that before he became ill because, I'm not really an emotional person. My feelings aren't hurt that easily and I've learned to roll with the punches most of the time. The problem, it seems that sometimes stroke victim's personalities are altered so that whatever the dominate personality is, it is exacerbated ten fold. So now he is hyper sensitive and super emotional. He has more mood swings that I do with PMS.

Am I being incentive because I am basically getting really tired of it all?

jenifr818

As far as the "inlaws" ... eh, good luck with that. Look at it this way, they won't be around forever. Let him enjoy the time he has with them, because once they're gone, that uber-emotional-sensitive side of his will be torn to pieces. Even if you don't really care for them all that much, he obviously does, and you're kind of stuck with that. Just continue to compromise, go see them once every month and the occasional holiday, and you can honestly say you did your part.

As far as the stroke and him having tons of mood swings ... welp, that's part of the "for better or for worse" "sickness and in health" thing. If it's not something you can deal with, and you honestly cannot see yourself living with it anymore, then be honest with him and yourself and move on with your life. If you're going to be with him forever and ever, until death do you part, you're going to have to learn to have the patience of a saint and do independent research on how to work with stroke victims and help him deal with it. I have no firsthand experience, but I can imagine it's probably just as miserable for him as it is for you. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can make that decision. Just keep in mind that being as sick as he is, the last thing he needs is to feel like the marriage problems are solely his fault, which can very easily happen if he knows that you're "tired of it all".

Good luck.

40andFindingFitness

Sounds like a LOT for a family to go through. I don't think you sound insensitive, I think you sound tired. I wouldn't worry too much about his sisters because you've got to accept people for who they are and if they are self-absorbed and need attention then that's who they'll always be. You cannot change that so don't even worry about it. As for the dad, he did what a parent should so perhaps you can invite just his dad over to your house for dinner sometimes so your husband will know you are including his family without going overboard. And remember, you have feelings too so being tired is just a way of life, it doesn't mean you don't care.

Now, for the more serious matter. You guys went through a lot and maybe you could talk to a counselor just to smooth things out. He went through a heck of an ordeal and your lives were upside down for a bit. It could be refreshing to get a professional outlook on things. Good luck. :0)

SugarBaby71

My first though was 'Trade you." but that would be mean to you and you seem like a nice person.

I would say you've been through a lot and maybe some counseling and a weekend away -by yourself or with a girl friend might help. I hope it all works out for you. :flowerforyou:

aaronlangford2

These are definitely trying circumstances. Hoping that I can chip in a few thoughts that will help!

With love comes marriage, with marriage also comes many difficulties, we've known that forever. Communication is powerful, it'll work miracles. Don't be afraid to talk out your challenges with him. Be open to hearing his challenges. Try to fall back in love with him every single day, which means find something to be happy about daily. And talk about what makes you happy. Though life will be challenging in many ways, love is still possible through it all!

This video is called "enduring love" and i though it might highlight the point I'm trying to make. With this kind of love, we can really make a difference. Here's the link: http://goo.gl/0y36W2

Happy journey!

ldrosophila

Unfortunately, you knew what you were marrying into, and you've almost have to suck it up and accept it for what it is. Does that help any, NO!, but I really dont see what other options you have.

Keep the distance, and if he questions it you tell him you love him but are not physically able to deal with his family. You havent prevented him from visiting. If holidays have to be separate then so be it.

I hope things improve and I hope your husbands health improves.

highervibes

Your SILs sound like a pair of real winners lol. It's unfortunate that they "come" with visiting hubby's dad but it sounds like Dad was helpful throughout the whole illness.

In October of 2012 I also had a massive stroke and my husband was by my bedside 24/7 for about a month, and my ILs took my two young children in and fed, clothed and brought them to school. My MIL, bless her, made me food every. single. day. so I wouldn't have to eat hospital food on top of taking care of a 4 and 2 year old. Illness is never pretty, and I can understand why you are upset with the sisters, I would be PISSED. You can't do much about them because they live at Dad's. With respect to the emotional/sensitive stuff. I can definitely relate. While the hospitals and doctors are GREAT at getting you the physical rehab and medical stuff straightened out I had an enormout amount of emotional baggage that was not ever dealt with. I think it would be very wise to suggest to your husband that he see a therapist because chances are good he's too embarrassed to ask. Good luck XXX

bookwormer28

Thank you so much. Awesome advice!

bookwormer28

Thanks. You are so right, I think I am just a little tired and maybe burned out. A counselor may be just what we need.

april1445

That's a crazy hard situation you're in. I've seen personality after stroke, and always thought it would be too challenging for me to deal with. The inlaw situation is it's own thing. If the sisters are 48 and have never left home, they clearly have no real idea what life is about, so you can hardly expect any kind of support from them. Write them off. As for the husband, you should talk to an objective party (i.e. counsellor) about him and see what you come up with. There may be a way for you enjoy your life even though it's not exactly what you signed up for. Meds might help your husband too. There have been physical changes to the brain after all. Good luck.

sarahertzberger

um, yeah I would say insensitive, you married him because you love him, and when you marry someone, it's supposed to be for life, not for when circumstances fit the way you like it, it seems to me that he only wants to go see his dad and sisters every other weekend, not seeing why visiting every other weekend would be such a big deal, and as far as holidays, we go multiple places on holidays, we have the majority of the day at our home, but we also go to his parents and my parents. I really am not understanding the huge problem with this at all. As far as the whole him becoming super emotional, he had a stroke, he could have died and you wouldn't have a husband, be thankful for what you do have, and love him unconditionally, it seems like to me you just want the relationship to be what you want it when you want it all take and no give, what about what he wants? It's not all about you.

CollieFit

I really feel for you. I would hate for my OH to spend every weekend elsewhere. Weekends are our time, when we're not working and we can do things together. yes sometimes we see our parents but FFS not every weekend!!! It's not like his father is frail and living by himself and never sees a single soul!

To be honest I think you're being VERY patient. Fair enough he's had a rough ride with his health but you were there for him all the way.

My attitude is that, children aside, your husband/wife is the most important person in your life and the times you spend together should reflect that.

CollieFit

um, yeah I would say insensitive, you married him because you love him, and when you marry someone, it's supposed to be for life, not for when circumstances fit the way you like it, it seems to me that he only wants to go see his dad and sisters every other weekend, not seeing why visiting every other weekend would be such a big deal, and as far as holidays, we go multiple places on holidays, we have the majority of the day at our home, but we also go to his parents and my parents. I really am not understanding the huge problem with this at all. As far as the whole him becoming super emotional, he had a stroke, he could have died and you wouldn't have a husband, be thankful for what you do have, and love him unconditionally, it seems like to me you just want the relationship to be what you want it when you want it all take and no give, what about what he wants? It's not all about you.

FFS the woman sat by his bedside for 4 months from hospital opening to closure time and you write this...???? :huh:

bookwormer28

This video is so beautiful and moving I was truly humbled. Thank you so much for sharing.