Easy weightloss. Every diet outlined.
I thought that as a relatively experienced member of MFP I would take it upon myself to include a brief rundown of each popular diet, as a quick reference for beginners. I will explain the constraints of each diet and how it aids in weight loss.
Feel free to add any amendments or additional diets.
THE PALEO DIET
The Paleo diet is named for it's similarity to that of cavemen (and cave women) (and gender fluid cave persons).
Essentially, you are only allowed to eat food that would have been available to your cave dwelling ancestors. This basically boils down to-
• Wolly Mammoth meat
• Rocks
This diet is generally very successful because Wooly Mammoth meat is very hard to come by, therefore your calorie intake will end up quite low. You also will burn a lot of fat running from security at the natural history museum when you sneak in to gnaw at the displays.
THE 5/2 DIET.
This diet is successful in the long term because it allows you to treat yourself! Simply put, you abstain from food and water for 5 days, and then allow yourself a generous eating window of 2 hours. This diet tricks your body into thinking that you're dying, so when you do eat, your body is too terrified and confused to register the calories! Another benefit of this diet is that the deprivation will lead to hallucinations. Hallucinations where you can eat ANYTHING YOU WANT!
THE WEIGHT WATCHERS DIET.
The weight watchers diet works on the simple principle of converting calories, fat and fibre into a simple PointsTM system, one that is completely understandable if you eat all Weight Watchers Fo0dTM products. Simply sign up to the Weight Watchers system and our friendly WatchersTM will come and install our Watcher Camera system in your home. Anytime you eat a non Weight Watchers product, a pleasant alarm will sound and our Watchers will come and assist you in disposing of the non Weight Watchers products.
Remember the Weight Watchers motto- 'You can't overindulge in soul food if we already own your soul!'
SHAKEOLOGY
Shakeology follows the tenets of dietnetics laid down by their beloved leader Mo. Ron Chubbard.
Shakeologists believe that your health can be optimised with regular B-Meter readings. The B-Meter test reads how many 'B' or 'Bulky' foods are in your system. Shakeologists understand that eating all these thick foods will result in a thick belly! So if your B Meter readings are too high, you will be given delicious meal replacement shakes. They come in various flavours such as 'Banana Brainwash' and 'Pineapple Pyramid Scheme'
You will continue on this diet until your pseudosciancion levels are normal, and then the aliens will come for you. Also you'll be thin. Yes.
Veganism
This diet operates on the principle of banning ice cream. You will lose large amounts of weight from all the crying.
I hope this has helped some of you beginners our there, and if there are others with more diet experiences your advice will also be appreciated.
Feel free to add any amendments or additional diets.
THE PALEO DIET
The Paleo diet is named for it's similarity to that of cavemen (and cave women) (and gender fluid cave persons).
Essentially, you are only allowed to eat food that would have been available to your cave dwelling ancestors. This basically boils down to-
• Wolly Mammoth meat
• Rocks
This diet is generally very successful because Wooly Mammoth meat is very hard to come by, therefore your calorie intake will end up quite low. You also will burn a lot of fat running from security at the natural history museum when you sneak in to gnaw at the displays.
THE 5/2 DIET.
This diet is successful in the long term because it allows you to treat yourself! Simply put, you abstain from food and water for 5 days, and then allow yourself a generous eating window of 2 hours. This diet tricks your body into thinking that you're dying, so when you do eat, your body is too terrified and confused to register the calories! Another benefit of this diet is that the deprivation will lead to hallucinations. Hallucinations where you can eat ANYTHING YOU WANT!
THE WEIGHT WATCHERS DIET.
The weight watchers diet works on the simple principle of converting calories, fat and fibre into a simple PointsTM system, one that is completely understandable if you eat all Weight Watchers Fo0dTM products. Simply sign up to the Weight Watchers system and our friendly WatchersTM will come and install our Watcher Camera system in your home. Anytime you eat a non Weight Watchers product, a pleasant alarm will sound and our Watchers will come and assist you in disposing of the non Weight Watchers products.
Remember the Weight Watchers motto- 'You can't overindulge in soul food if we already own your soul!'
SHAKEOLOGY
Shakeology follows the tenets of dietnetics laid down by their beloved leader Mo. Ron Chubbard.
Shakeologists believe that your health can be optimised with regular B-Meter readings. The B-Meter test reads how many 'B' or 'Bulky' foods are in your system. Shakeologists understand that eating all these thick foods will result in a thick belly! So if your B Meter readings are too high, you will be given delicious meal replacement shakes. They come in various flavours such as 'Banana Brainwash' and 'Pineapple Pyramid Scheme'
You will continue on this diet until your pseudosciancion levels are normal, and then the aliens will come for you. Also you'll be thin. Yes.
Veganism
This diet operates on the principle of banning ice cream. You will lose large amounts of weight from all the crying.
I hope this has helped some of you beginners our there, and if there are others with more diet experiences your advice will also be appreciated.
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Replies
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Paleo was my favourite! funny stuff!0
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Funny? This is a comprehensive outline of all the 100% reliable clinically tested magic diets out there!0
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Natural Hygiene Diet
Claims that the human body is a self-maintaining and self-healing system whose natural lifespan is between 120 to 150 years old. Excellent news for those of us who would like to live semi-forever. You may not have any fully functioning organs or brain cells by this point, but hey you can rock the nursing home.
Many Natural Hygiene practitioners operate fasting clinics where patients undergo a fast for the duration of up to 30 days Then they are placed on a raw-food diet for a length of time equal to the number of days of their fast. Fasting means eating nothing, drinking only distilled water and getting lots of rest. Fasting as understood in Natural Hygiene is not starvation (good to know when you chew your own arm off), but physiological rest (resulting from being too knackered to get out of bed), and its aim is to allow the body to utilize its healing powers to the maximum ability. Sounds totally legit.
Fruitarianism:
Living off fruit - preferably fruit that has already decided to naturally end its life cycle by falling off the tree/bush. Limitations may be found in the time constraints of looking for these suicide fruit. Pretty much guaranteed to lose weight through foraging time VS eating time. Also additional weight loss success from chronic diarrhoea. Win - Win situation.0 -
Natural Hygiene Diet
Claims that the human body is a self-maintaining and self-healing system whose natural lifespan is between 120 to 150 years old. Excellent news for those of us who would like to live semi-forever. You may not have any fully functioning organs or brain cells by this point, but hey you can rock the nursing home.
Many Natural Hygiene practitioners operate fasting clinics where patients undergo a fast for the duration of up to 30 days Then they are placed on a raw-food diet for a length of time equal to the number of days of their fast. Fasting means eating nothing, drinking only distilled water and getting lots of rest. Fasting as understood in Natural Hygiene is not starvation (good to know when you chew your own arm off), but physiological rest (resulting from being too knackered to get out of bed), and its aim is to allow the body to utilize its healing powers to the maximum ability. Sounds totally legit.
Fruitarianism:
Living off fruit - preferably fruit that has already decided to naturally end its life cycle by falling off the tree/bush. Limitations may be found in the time constraints of looking for these suicide fruit. Pretty much guaranteed to lose weight through foraging time VS eating time. Also additional weight loss success from chronic diarrhoea. Win - Win situation.
Is assisted fruiticide okay? If the fruit has expressed a desire to end it's natural life are you allowed to pick it?0 -
Thank you for the details! I think I will try Shakeology.0
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"They come in various flavours such as 'Banana Brainwash' and 'Pineapple Pyramid Scheme' "
Sounds delicious! Where do I sign up? :laugh:0 -
There a plenty of Shakeology drones...representatives on MFP.
Keep an eye out for the glassy eyed people screaming 'IMMA COACH!'0 -
LMFAO :flowerforyou: ...0
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What about Breatharianism... how could you leave that out? Kinda disappointed, I mean it is the most "CLEAN" diet possible.0
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I am a bit disappointed as I opened this thread thinking that it would be a serious run down of all the diets, however you have missed the most important one.
CLEAN EATING
Very simple principle. Wash your food before you eat it. This includes running packaged food under a tap for between 15-20 seconds, and wiping down the lids of all tins and bottles before opening them.
All bad calories will be cleansed and may be consumed without fear of putting on any weight.0 -
You totally forgot the best part about the Weight Watchers diet: Free foods and foods with 0 points have calories that just don't count. Like magic!!
I wish I could be a wizard like the Weight Watchers people...
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I am a bit disappointed as I opened this thread thinking that it would be a serious run down of all the diets, however you have missed the most important one.
CLEAN EATING
Very simple principle. Wash your food before you eat it. This includes running packaged food under a tap for between 15-20 seconds, and wiping down the lids of all tins and bottles before opening them.
All bad calories will be cleansed and may be consumed without fear of putting on any weight.
You know, that's right. I'd forgotten all about eating clean. You don't have to count calories at all with that one. I heard that as long as you eat clean, you won't get fat!0 -
Love it!
I'd like to contribute the FREEGAN Diet
Eat only what you can forage for free. At this time of year the diet is rich in wilting pumpkins found on many a doorstep. Scavenging from the bins of supermarkets and restaurants can offer some questionable meat and dairy produce for essential sources of protein. The side effects of stomach upsets from said questionables can only help the weight loss process.0 -
You forgot VEGETARIANISM: The ability to eat only things that aren't animals such as fruit, vegetables and **fish**
Somehow, the brain gets tricked into believing that a fish isn't truly an animal when all the high protien meats such as COW, LAMB, PIG, GOAT, CHICKEN, etc are not consumed. Scientists believe it has something to do with lipid counts...or something.0 -
The Shangri la diet:
Key component includes; eating food that is as bland and tasteless as possible "The "better food tastes, the more fattening it is''. Also you can enjoy the added benefit of drinking 400ml of delicious olive oil in between meals. This will put you off even facing another meal knowing you have to chug it down after.
The Tapeworm diet:
A holiday and a diet in one! Go visit a Mexican Tape worm farms where you too can be "safely infected". You will go home with a tapeworm of your very own. You may also enjoy diarrhoea, constipation, nausea, anaemia, vitamin deficiency and bloat as fluid pools in your abdomen. Feed it as much as you like. Lose all that pesky weight. Then pop a dose of praziquantal and enjoy the fun of crapping it out.0 -
Natural Hygiene Diet
Claims that the human body is a self-maintaining and self-healing system whose natural lifespan is between 120 to 150 years old. Excellent news for those of us who would like to live semi-forever. You may not have any fully functioning organs or brain cells by this point, but hey you can rock the nursing home.
Many Natural Hygiene practitioners operate fasting clinics where patients undergo a fast for the duration of up to 30 days Then they are placed on a raw-food diet for a length of time equal to the number of days of their fast. Fasting means eating nothing, drinking only distilled water and getting lots of rest. Fasting as understood in Natural Hygiene is not starvation (good to know when you chew your own arm off), but physiological rest (resulting from being too knackered to get out of bed), and its aim is to allow the body to utilize its healing powers to the maximum ability. Sounds totally legit.
Fruitarianism:
Living off fruit - preferably fruit that has already decided to naturally end its life cycle by falling off the tree/bush. Limitations may be found in the time constraints of looking for these suicide fruit. Pretty much guaranteed to lose weight through foraging time VS eating time. Also additional weight loss success from chronic diarrhoea. Win - Win situation.
Is assisted fruiticide okay? If the fruit has expressed a desire to end it's natural life are you allowed to pick it?
I tried to get peer reviewed evidence on it. Alas I think it would also throw up ethical dilemmas for bug infested fruit. Obviously the fruit comes first, but rehoming issues may arise. :sad:0 -
If I attempt at making mud soup with toilet paper.. Will that also count as paleo? I promise I'll throw a rock or two into it for flavor!!! :laugh:0
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Bump0
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This thread is full of win.
In for bug rehoming issues.0 -
If I attempt at making mud soup with toilet paper.. Will that also count as paleo? I promise I'll throw a rock or two into it for flavor!!! :laugh:
I would consider it very unorthodox paleo.0 -
Bahaha! I love this thread so hard.0
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FineIf I attempt at making mud soup with toilet paper.. Will that also count as paleo? I promise I'll throw a rock or two into it for flavor!!! :laugh:
I would consider it very unorthodox paleo.
I'll just throw some twigs and a couple of crickets in there :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:0 -
Which one is best for detox?0
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But do I eat back my exercise calories??????0
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FineIf I attempt at making mud soup with toilet paper.. Will that also count as paleo? I promise I'll throw a rock or two into it for flavor!!! :laugh:
I would consider it very unorthodox paleo.
I'll just throw some twigs and a couple of crickets in there :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
That might take care of SOME of the rehoming issue.0 -
Girl, I have yet to read a post of yours that isn't entertaining :laugh:0
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May I add:
Cayenne-maple syrup-lemon detox fast - You'll be so busy being nauseous from having nothing but peppers, citric acid, and tree sap in your belly, you won't have time to even THINK about food.
The "It tastes JUST LIKE THE REAL THING diet" - Involves using cauliflower to make pizza, green beans to make french fries, and all sorts of other foods low on the GI chart to make substitutes that, surprisingly, don't taste like the real thing. You'll be too grossed out to eat. And, the weight you lose is almost just like losing the REAL THING!
The Army Diet - This diet involves grapefruit, hot dogs, and other things typically not found in an MRE or many chow halls. You'd be better off eating "rock or something" on the instructions on the back of an MRE instead. The science of this particular diet is safeguarded by the DoD, the NSA, NASA, CIA, and FBI. If they told you how it worked, they'd have to kill you.
30 Bananas a day diet - Sure, it's a lot of potassium, but the thought of being THAT "backed up" makes me forget why this is a good diet. What was I saying?0 -
Wait wait wait. Are you telling me you haven't heard of the fork diet? It's foolproof and simple:
1) Put down the fork
2) Push away from the table
3) Walk away
You're welcome.0 -
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If I could eat gemstones to lose weight, I'd be the happiest person on the planet.
ETA: Not to mention the most in debt.. But this is about weight, not debt!0
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