*Our* Bodies
aelphabawest
Posts: 173 Member
in Chit-Chat
Sometimes keeping an eye on the forums is like watching a car crash. Or rubber necking after one. I'm more of a lurker than a participant, in large part because I think if I got involved in a lot of these conversations I'd get too involved and angry. But, an observation.
Every one of us is here because they're trying to change or monitor their body in some way. This is your body and your responsibility. At the beginning of each day you need to make a decision to choose to continue to do so. Asking for specific help with motivation, or expressing feeling frustrated is one thing. But being like "I'm Gonna Quit!!!" in a forum post ... cool. Do so. Take your negativity elsewhere. You have to want this badly enough to make the change for the rest of your damned life. This is not a diet. This is not an instant cure. This is a slow drip of water on stone.
When one person says something along the lines of "In my experience, doing X helped me lose weight/be more toned." I don't care if they said that eating 900 calories a day helped them lose weight, you are not allowed to say NO YOU'RE WRONG. Why aren't you allowed to say that? Because you're invalidating their experience with their own body. They can't be wrong. They're making an observation about something that happened to their body, which is not something you know anything about.
You can say, "Actually, research says that eating 900 calories a day shows to be ineffective for long-term weight loss. (link), so I do not really recommend this as a long term solution. Also, sounds pretty miserable." But someone cannot be WRONG about an observation about their OWN BODY. Even if they are asking for advice, you do not have permission to invalidate their experience with their own body.
Negative, over arching comments about what people do with their bodies are not helpful. Statements along the lines of "people who have tattoos look like they need to bathe" just make you look like an ignorant a$$hat. Not a helpful comment, are you trolling deliberately? Because if you are, don't you have better things to do with your time? If you aren't, what sort of constructive addition are you making to the conversation? That's the internet equivalent of pointing, staring, and stage whispering loudly in public a comment your mother should have taught you never to make. I'm sure we'd all appreciate a stage whispered comment along the lines of "Oh My God, look at that fatty, she looks like she needs to bathe." If you cannot make a positive observation or comment about someone's body, bite your damned tongue. (Also, it turns out that despite what you might believe otherwise, your opinion matters very little in the scheme of life. I'm glad you feel important enough to share your negativity though.)
At the end of the day, the only thing that can keep you going is your own commitment to present and future you.
Message boards can help when you want to make friends who are going through the same thing you are, or when you're struggling trying to figure out how to fit it into your life, or when you're looking for a solid exercise product to supplement things. But honestly, there are too many people on here who hate themselves and project their self-hate through the negativity of other people's bodies and experience with their bodies. They're just not helpful people to invite into your life, digital or otherwise.
Love your body. It's the only one you've got, so how you love it matters on the long run - but it's yours. And because it's uniquely yours it is wonderful and beautiful. It is that at 300 lbs, it is at at 130 lbs, it is beautiful because it is the only version of it anywhere in the whole world. Your experience with your body should be honored and respected, as is how you choose to decorate or do with it. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially within the context of supposedly supportive message boards.
Every one of us is here because they're trying to change or monitor their body in some way. This is your body and your responsibility. At the beginning of each day you need to make a decision to choose to continue to do so. Asking for specific help with motivation, or expressing feeling frustrated is one thing. But being like "I'm Gonna Quit!!!" in a forum post ... cool. Do so. Take your negativity elsewhere. You have to want this badly enough to make the change for the rest of your damned life. This is not a diet. This is not an instant cure. This is a slow drip of water on stone.
When one person says something along the lines of "In my experience, doing X helped me lose weight/be more toned." I don't care if they said that eating 900 calories a day helped them lose weight, you are not allowed to say NO YOU'RE WRONG. Why aren't you allowed to say that? Because you're invalidating their experience with their own body. They can't be wrong. They're making an observation about something that happened to their body, which is not something you know anything about.
You can say, "Actually, research says that eating 900 calories a day shows to be ineffective for long-term weight loss. (link), so I do not really recommend this as a long term solution. Also, sounds pretty miserable." But someone cannot be WRONG about an observation about their OWN BODY. Even if they are asking for advice, you do not have permission to invalidate their experience with their own body.
Negative, over arching comments about what people do with their bodies are not helpful. Statements along the lines of "people who have tattoos look like they need to bathe" just make you look like an ignorant a$$hat. Not a helpful comment, are you trolling deliberately? Because if you are, don't you have better things to do with your time? If you aren't, what sort of constructive addition are you making to the conversation? That's the internet equivalent of pointing, staring, and stage whispering loudly in public a comment your mother should have taught you never to make. I'm sure we'd all appreciate a stage whispered comment along the lines of "Oh My God, look at that fatty, she looks like she needs to bathe." If you cannot make a positive observation or comment about someone's body, bite your damned tongue. (Also, it turns out that despite what you might believe otherwise, your opinion matters very little in the scheme of life. I'm glad you feel important enough to share your negativity though.)
At the end of the day, the only thing that can keep you going is your own commitment to present and future you.
Message boards can help when you want to make friends who are going through the same thing you are, or when you're struggling trying to figure out how to fit it into your life, or when you're looking for a solid exercise product to supplement things. But honestly, there are too many people on here who hate themselves and project their self-hate through the negativity of other people's bodies and experience with their bodies. They're just not helpful people to invite into your life, digital or otherwise.
Love your body. It's the only one you've got, so how you love it matters on the long run - but it's yours. And because it's uniquely yours it is wonderful and beautiful. It is that at 300 lbs, it is at at 130 lbs, it is beautiful because it is the only version of it anywhere in the whole world. Your experience with your body should be honored and respected, as is how you choose to decorate or do with it. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially within the context of supposedly supportive message boards.
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When one person says something along the lines of "In my experience, doing X helped me lose weight/be more toned." I don't care if they said that eating 900 calories a day helped them lose weight, you are not allowed to say NO YOU'RE WRONG. Why aren't you allowed to say that? Because you're invalidating their experience with their own body. They can't be wrong. They're making an observation about something that happened to their body, which is not something you know anything about.
You can say, "Actually, research says that eating 900 calories a day shows to be ineffective for long-term weight loss. (link), so I do not really recommend this as a long term solution. Also, sounds pretty miserable." But someone cannot be WRONG about an observation about their OWN BODY. Even if they are asking for advice, you do not have permission to invalidate their experience with their own body.
I agree with most of what you say, but there are times when we can say they are wrong. If a person says they gained 10 pounds of lean mass in a month they are wrong (calorie surplus or deficit). If someone says that they went on a juice fast for 10 days and lost 15 pounds of pure fat we can say they are wrong because a good portion of that was water.
I agree that if they say they lose weight on 900 calories it is an accurate observation and people can't argue with that. Doesn't mean it is healthy, but they are accurate that they lost weight.0 -
Don't hurt yourself stepping down off that soapbox. ...0
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People can be wrong. Even opinions can be wrong. Do some people take their responses too far? Sure. That being said, anyone who doesn't actually want feedback shouldn't post in a public forum. That's Internet 101.
Also, claiming that everyone should be supportive of potentially self-destructive behavior is a terrible attitude.0 -
Very passionately put and with a touch anger, and don’t get me wrong anger motivates people and if used correctly can be beneficial to others and yourself...
Every one should consider the fact that “what works for one does not mean it works for others”, and every word of encouragement does go along way with people in general. There are so many out there that take pleasure in knocking others confidence, and belittling them, and you are right we don’t need those around us... I heard it said “the only reason it wont work is if you don’t do it ( putting aside health issues), we are responsible for what we say and our actions as this does affect who we come into contact with... Some peoples actions could be detrimental for them but if info is put forward (whether we like what we hear/read) to them in a positive manor then they and they only have the informed choice to make, and at times we all make incorrect choices looking at the results.... (part of growing up and learning...)0 -
People can be wrong. Even opinions can be wrong. Do some people take their responses too far? Sure. That being said, anyone who doesn't actually want feedback shouldn't post in a public forum. That's Internet 101.
Also, claiming that everyone should be supportive of potentially self-destructive behavior is a terrible attitude.
I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.0 -
I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.0 -
I'm more of a lurker than a participant,
If you're not willing to give advice please don't tell others how to do it.
Mean people thread in disguise :noway:0 -
I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
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I stopped giving advice. People don't want to hear it.0 -
I am allowed to say what I want.0
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I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
Well said. It's extremely easy to judge from a distance, but actually practicing what you preach is another whole story. I would love for the OP to take up your challenge but I can pretty much guarantee it won't happen. It would be eye-opening, to say the least.0 -
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I am allowed to say what I want.
Exactly .. you can always say it. I do it as well. But will it be popular .. maybe, maybe not.0 -
It is the internet people are going to say what they want.0
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I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
That is why you are on my FL...... Could not of said it any better...... :drinker:0 -
I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
Amen! Pick the answer that you find useful and apply it to yourself. The so called rude people are the most hard working ones whom i look upto. They are the most inspiring ones for me. They say it like it is, no need to sugar coat it. We are not babies, time to grow up
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I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
Perfectly said. Also, we need to remember that this is a forum to exchange information and help with advice when we can. After this last week, I will not be contributing as much. I have learned that some people on here ( and often a majority) just want their plans validated. They may ask a question, but it is obvious, when they get suggestions, they do not want to hear opposing advice. Anger and accusations of attack ensue.
I learned so much from the snarky, humorous people on here and I credit them with putting me on the right path to weight loss. Because of them, I am going to succeed this time.0 -
In...
...to learn the One True Way™ to interact on the internet.0 -
" I don't care if they said that eating 900 calories a day helped them lose weight, you are not allowed to say NO YOU'RE WRONG. Why aren't you allowed to say that? Because you're invalidating their experience with their own body. "
Hm. I have seen a large number of young women whose experience of their body was that they were massively overweight, when they were in fact skeletally thin.
I'm not sure your argument here is entirely valid.0 -
QFTI'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
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NO YOU'RE WRONG.0
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In...
...to learn the One True Way™ to interact on the internet.
This made me chuckle. Thanks!0 -
QFTI'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
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I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
x2
I stopped giving advice. People don't want to hear it.
Ditto!!!! Let em stay fat for all I care.0 -
I'm not saying be supportive of self destructive behavior. I'm saying phrase your disagreement in a way that doesn't invalidate their experience with their own body. It's easy enough to do with wording.
i've noticed something on this site. almost all of the lectures about how to give advice come from people that can't be bothered to actually give advice.
serious question, how would you know? you had all of 80 posts in 6 months, so how could you know how easy it is to give advice that's actually helpful, encouraging and actionable without offending the delicate sensibilities of other people? not to mention the fact that different people like to get advice in different ways but you're assuming everyone is a monolith that happens to like it your way.
lead by example. 5 days a week for the next 3 months, pick out 5-10 posts per day that you feel qualified to answer and give advice in the carefully worded way that you're describing. THEN come back and lecture me on how easy it is to help people without offending them. THEN come back and tell me the right way to correct someone that's giving out false and possibly harmful information. let me know how it goes.
And I'm bloody glad you do, as its people like you who still persevere with giving good advice that I learn from. Thank you0 -
In...
...to learn the One True Way™ to interact on the internet.
+1
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I really think everyone is different and we all need to listen to our body and figure out what works for us. Sharing what has worked for us as a suggestion is one thing but telling someone that what they are doing is wrong, I think should be avoided. I wasn't raised by a mom that was constantly telling me what I was doing wrong, she was great to let me know when I was doing something that was right. And, then tried in a positive way to guide me away or show me when I was doing something wrong. Never did she condem when I was doing something harmful or stupidly wrong. So I try to follow her example. We could all learn from her example.0
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