Should your "ideal" be primarily yours or your partner's?

TheGymGypsy

Regardless of what your body looks like, you will still be you. If your partner is not attracted to your personality, do yourself a favor and move on now.

Lol. The attractiveness to personality will never be a problem, I don't think. I put up with and even encourage his strange, borderline-eccentric habits(like spending a weekend helping him run speaker wire to all of the rooms on the upper floor so we can have music in every room. He already wired up the kitchen for me). Also, being 12 years younger than him really gives me a leg up in the situation... I have a personality that is mature enough for his age with a youthfulness that he says makes all the men he knows jealous. And, you know, cooking all his meals kind of helps that too.

It's just that I don't ever want to be in a situation that he's attracted to me for just my personality, if that makes sense. I want him to be attracted to everything about me. I no longer have pink hair like I do in my profile picture (law offices don't like that sort of thing. Lol) and I haven't for some time, but I could use it as an example of things I did to myself that he was unsure about initially and grew to really love. He was pretty mopey about for a while after I dyed it back to my natural color. Lol. I guess people adapt to and learn to like change, right? I think it's probably fair to assume that as I become happier with my body, he probably will too because I'll be happier in general. And who loves absolutely everything about their partner anyway?

I know how you feel, my boyfriend is 13 years older then me as well. And I understand you wanting him to be attracted to you physically. But isn't it more important to be attracted to yourself? Plus your confidence will be through the roof which makes anyone incredibly sexy.

TheGirlsATimeBomb

so you're telling me... he DOESN'T want to bang this?

redheaddee

This one is easy, IMHO. Your ideal should be YOURS. If he doesn't like you for you, than he needs to bugger off so the right one can step in.

Jamie Eason is too muscular? Well than count me in, I would love to be "too muscular". Also, Christmas Abbot. I would switch sides. Sorry but that's one sexy beast right there.

Bradykirk

STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY!
It is your body - do what feels goo for you.

kellenas

My ideal has always been mine. Of course, his and mine are very similar. He doesn't like really skinny and I can't get really skinny anyway.

shining_light

The picture that someone posted of Jamie Eason in the forum: that cannot possibly be a recent picture of her. She is f-ing ripped now. Her arms are much bigger and more defined than that now. That picture posted is his ideal. Her more recent, pre-pregnancy physique is MY ideal.

http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Global Celebrities(F)/Jamie Eason/jamie-eason-3h.jpg

THIS is the Jamie Eason I'm thinking of.

jwdieter

Sounds like a lot more drama than conditions warrant. I could engage my wife in a debate about Chris Hemsworth in Thor, and how much muscle/definition is "too much", because, you know, why not. Maybe she likes that level of muscle, maybe she likes Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity better. Doesn't make a lick of difference in the real world. I'll lift and eat and at the end of the day, I look like me.

Nothing wrong with aspiring to look like a fitness model. Just seems a little goofy to get in an argument about it. Good luck.

Mr_Knight

So, should I want what he wants because I want him to always find me sexually attractive(and of course I want that), or should I strive to look like I want to? Like I say, bodybuilder physique is not my goal; Jamie Eason-esque "toned" is, even when that's way too much muscle definition for a lot of men, him included. Thoughts?

That's up to you to decide. You'll be giving something up - which is fine, because everybody going into a relationship gives something up - the question is whether what you get back is worth at least as much as you're giving up.

Nobody can answer that but you.

Good luck!

wolverine66

Only you can have say over your body ( for the most part). Everyone has a different genetic make up and not all of us can bulk up and not all of us can be Twiggy. Do what you feel is right for you. You want to be happy and healthy for him. I just read an article about marriage. Basically it said if the wife is happy the marriage will be strong and last while the same correlation does not apply to husbands. :laugh:

True. Basically what I've noted is pretty much regardless of anything else, a good sex life is a good indicator of how everything else goes in the relationship. As I see it, though, marriage is about sacrifice. We discussed this last night and an article I read, basically saying that your role in the marriage is to make your partner happy, and you have to trust that they are also going to do what they can to make you happy. It's not your job to make sure that YOU are happy in your marriage. I thought it was well-worded. It's true that my body is the only thing I have ultimate control over, but I know in the past that attitude has lead to eating disordered behaviors in me and relinquishing some of that control is probably what is best for me.

With all that in mind, though, he knows that working out obviously makes me happy which in turn makes it easier to keep him happy.

I like S3R3knitty's approach on compromise. Like I said, he's loved the feeling and look of my back muscles, for example, when I've been working out.

i disagree that marriage is "about sacrifice." Are there sometimes sacrifices to be made? Sure. I think that is standard in any relationship, including friendships, and there are more sacrifices for a spouse (or unmarried SO). But I don't think that's the central purpose of marriage. This kind of feeds into the next point.

I also disagree that it isn't your job to make sure you are happy. It most certainly is. Let's say your spouse is trying to make you happy by sacrificing chickens, and that is something that does not make you happy, I think you should tell him and show him something he could do to make you happy. That's taking ownership of your own happiness. You can't just sit around and wait for someone to do something to make you happy.

But those 2 points are neither here nor there in regards to your original question. And to answer it, it should be your ideal.

mojohowitz

...basically saying that your role in the marriage is to make your partner happy, and you have to trust that they are also going to do what they can to make you happy. It's not your job to make sure that YOU are happy in your marriage.

Too many people go around looking for someone to fill the gaping psychological vacuum that drives all their behaviors. They need to fix that **** first. Then a person might actually have something to contribute to a marriage other than an eternal soul sucking co-dependence.

If you are not happy, you are not holding up your end of the marriage bargain.