Different views in a relationship of "ideal"

TXRanchGirl

Im having an issue..hoping mabey someone else has encountered this.

I have lost, since May, a total of about 35 pounds..I was down to 108..which is still considered OK for my height (5'2)..Im now 110-112.

My husband has mentioned numerous times hes happy Im exercising..but he feels I am to thin and bony now. I have muscles..I dont want to be a body builder, but I want to be toned. I do my videos religiously..and do take one rest day. I eat super super clean and monitor my portions.

This has escalated to "heated" discussions on more then one occassion..hes hinted that the thiness is not attractive to him and my obsession with all this is "sick"..bear in mind..this is a PT coach for his work..he has hounded me for years to exercise and encouraged me to take up exercise.

I want to make him happy, but at the same time Im petrified of getting pudgy again...we had some marital issues that killed my self confidence and image..I felt worthless and depressed..exercise and loosing the weight has re-energized me, I feel great about myself now.

I get folks telling me Im to thin..and others say I look great.

Please dont say "leave him"..thats not the help Im looking for..Im just trying to determine if I am being alittle to obsessive or what.

tristaj90

Maybe ask him to give you tips on how you can tone up and add muscle? Work out only 3-4 days a week instead of 6 and do more strength training... Since you eat clean and monitor portions, I doubt you'd gain a bunch of weight by meeting a happy medium with your husband. Just talk to him calmly and see what he would see as acceptable for your workouts. Explain to him that it's your "me time" and something you like to do.

Good luck!

I can tell he loves you though. If he was worried that you weren't exercising before, and now he's worried you're doing too much, he just wants you to be "healthy" not neccessarily super thin.

Howdoyoufeeltoday

Maybe he's concerned you'll wake up one morning and think you're "too good for him". Maybe he's also a little concerned that it's become an obsession and he's honestly worried about you but it's coming out in the wrong ways. And maybe he just likes you with extra meat! :P It`s great that you feel confident and sexy again but you can still have the look you want and not be so strict with your super super clean eating. Maybe have date days where you can eat and do what he wants to do. A few times a month wouldn`t hurt. Also, I know lots of ppl, women esp have distorted ideas of how they look, so to you being the size you are now might be perfect cause you live in your body and mind and think about all your imperfections all the time, but to your husband he sees something else. Try and sit him down and ask him exactly what it is he wants and go from there. But then again I`m 23 and single so what do I know. :P

Lleldiranne

My guess is that he's worried about your health. It could be that, after seeing you heavier, he's taking time to adjust to the new you. Or it could be that 110 is too low for you (while it is in the healthy range, it's at low end, and there's a range to take into account different body types).

I think you should have a calm discussion. Let him know it's affecting your self esteem and confidence in your relationship for him to say/hit that you're no longer attractive. Find out exactly what it is that worries him, and LISTEN without judging or getting hurt (I know, that's really hard!). Then talk to him about your goals, and be specific. I would suggest leaving the scale numbers out of it, and looking at what you want your body to look like. "Toned" and "built" or "looking like a body builder" are very vague terms and mean something different to every person, so maybe find some examples of what you mean (just one case: some people see Jamie Easton as "toned" while others would call that muscular or "built"). Then, since he is a PT, ask him for tips on getting there.

Also listen to what he means about becoming obsessed. He may be seeing something worrisome. You do say you eat "super clean" and you do your videos "religiously." Does that come in the way of relationships - for example, can he not take you out to dinner any more because you worry about the food at a restaurant, and how do you react if something interferes with your workout? Again, listen without arguing, give him time to say his piece. And think about what he says … maybe there are modifications you can make to your routine that will make you both happier.

TXRanchGirl

HI Trista..yes..he has said afew times he needs a happy medium..he'd like me in 115-120 range. He is alittle funny about my clean eating too..I eat ALOT more veggies and have cut out all refined carbs..carbs and I dont mix well..so I monitor any intake on those. Perhaps his sensitivity to my weight has him making comments on my food choices..mabey if we could compromise on the exercise, he'd stop commenting on my food..

I do love to workout..its a great de-stressor and the endorphins I get afterwards are awesome..:). I admitedly feel funny on days I dont work out..like I have too. I dont know if its the destressing part, the "me time" part or something left over from our relationship issues working on my brain sub conciously..

tristaj90

I understand working out and being a great de-stressor. My husband and I have issues too, and mostly because he gets a TON of "me time" and I get barely any. We have a 2 year old and my husband still finds time to play video games for upwards 2 hours a day. I get my exercise while I'm at work during the week, but on the weekends I ask him to watch our son for 30-60 minutes and he can't even help me. I try to explain to him that it's my "me time" and it's something productive and healthy unlike his "me time" activities. But most weekends (if he's not at work) I usually have mommy and me time with my son and my husband has his own time with the computer.

I'm not a very clean eater myself, but I do monitor my portions/calories and I'm a very picky eater and typically make food separate from what my husband will eat. He's lost some weight along with me but he's not trying to.

I think that you and your husband will find a medium and honestly, you being that 2-5 pounds heavier than you are now won't be bad (especially if you build muscle and gain it that way). He can't say anything bad if you meet his weight range in muscle.

TXRanchGirl

Thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

I do obsess abit about exercise and food..I enjoy looking for healthier alternatives in cooking and trying new recipes...he gets alittle miffed if a meal we are having is usually served with rice for example and I omit the rice for something else..granted, I MAKE the rice for him..because I know he likes it..I just dont eat any..

we've had afew talks..brief and probably not very "deep" in which it ends with him feeling Im ignoring what hes saying..I hear him..I dont want him upset or not attracted to me..but its hard for me to break the "cycle"...hes spoken of maintenance..espc when we go out and I order a salad and some chicken. HE says I cant live on veggies and chicken forever....which I know..but I actually enjoy those foods. There has been a time or two in choosing to go out to dinner I have voiced concerns..but I seem to always find something I feel OK eating.

I will try and really sit him down this weekend..he is hard sometimes to talk too as he is very no nonsense.

riveroflight

Two things.

1) I really appreciate your openness in sharing here about how it's going in talking to him about it. In delicate situations it can be helpful to use 'frames' like: 'When you said [specific words he said], I felt [emotion word]'. It may help him feel more heard, and clues him in on the impact on you at the same time. Hard to explain how well that works. A book that blew me away for communicating skillfully is Getting Real, by Susan Campbell. My two cents. Call me Oprah.

2) In your original post you mentioned getting muscular, wanting to be toned, and not actually wanting to look 'like a bodybuilder'. Which sounds *exactly like Rusty Moore's philosophy for women's training. He's awesome, and it's exactly what you're asking for. More about that on my profile. You might want to switch over to his system, if yours is starting to take your body into a direction you don't want. For you, and no one else. ;-)

TXRanchGirl

Thanks..I admit..I am not a very good communicator..I am better then I was..but I am a bottler and generally just go mum when I hear something I dont like. I will try and use that phrase this weekend when I talk to him. I know, in my learning how to be a better communicator, I have heard its essentially about the presentation. I dont want to sound accusatory..the phrase of "when you say ___, I feel ___." is alot better then blowing up or making his concerns seem unimportant to me. Perhaps thats why our conversations have errupted in fights..because while I've "heard" him, I have not conveyed me hearing him TO him and thus he feels "unheard"..if that makes sense.

I will look at Rusty Moore..I love Jillian's videos (which is what I do)..but it never hurts to look at other options. My biggest fear is becoming to muscular..I know some folks love those totally beefed up ripped ladies..but I just want toned, fit and strong.