How to deal with an Unsupportive spouse?
Replies
-
My weight room is under construction, too, but we are both working on it together. I workout MWF, and we work on the room on the weekends. As we finish up on Sunday night, I rearrange things and sweep up so that it's all ready to go Monday when I get home from work. There's no reason to leave the tools and crap lying about if they aren't going to be used until the next weekend.
Put your foot down and make him clean up his ****. If he won't do it, you're going to have to do it for him.0 -
Just to be clear:
His refinishing and re-arranging project in the basement isn't intended to create a functional workout room, right? Because if he's trying to set up a nice space to lift and use the treadmill, and you're going down there and hiding his toolbox or something, that would be pretty ironic as a basis for this thread.0 -
Thanks for the advice, I did offer to put it back when I'm done and also asked if I could help make space so we could both do what we needed to and all I got was, I don't know what to tell you but I don't want you touching Anything and I will get to it when I get to it and until I do I don't know what to tell you. Yea I didn't get anywhere! so I just said Ok I will try and figure something else out and left it at that.
He still sounds kinda heated/defensive about it. At this point, I'd prolly either move the weight equipment away from his "project" (if possible) or get a trial gym membership. If he won't compromise, you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe he'll be more likely to talk if he sees that he can't stop you from working out.0 -
As a male I can't stress this enough "NEVER touch his stuff". I know where every tool, nut,bolt, doodad I own is. I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I know where every item I own is.
And if something is missing (especially when I need it) I know either the wife of child was messing with it.
Moving his stuff then "moving it back" is a bad, bad idea.
You two need to come up with a solution that works best for both of you. "Ultimatums" are for poor partners. Can you get a shelf for him to put his stuff on? He will probably be reluctant to organize his stuff but after he will be thankful.
You need to be really clear this is your house too, and unless he wants to pony up $$ for a gym membership you need to use the TOOLS in your home available to you. He has his tools, you have your tools. Both need equal RESPECT.
There has to be some way he can organize his stuff so that you don't need to touch it. You don't need to be cleaning up after him anyway.
Husband and wife are equal in the marriage.0 -
Perhaps he is one of those men who just does not see any difference between toning and strengthening and you becoming a real weight lifter. If you asked his "advice" on how to use up calories to make you stronger.
Just a thought0 -
OK this is coming from a man that well the house is my kingdom, I am the ALPHA, the OMEGA, the beginning, the end. With that said....
I think your husband is completely in the wrong about this. I think if your health and weight is important to you, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you will workout regardless of his wishes. Either he will support you by ensuring you can adequately exercise in the house, or you will simply join a gym. Then somehow mention that at home it saves $$ and no guys will gawk at you....(use the stereotype against him for this argument). Then give him a time frame. Then he makes the choice.
Yep. That's pretty much what I was going to say. You don't seem to care either way so long as you're working out, let him make the choice as to where it is.0 -
It is either deliberate sabotage or typical male thoughtlessness. Don't dwell on it. As I see it, you have two choices that fit within the lines you've drawn here. (1) Quietly and determinedly continue to move stuff out of the way so you can do your workouts at home, or (2) Quietly and determinedly go find a gym, plunk down the money, and do your workouts at the gym. The key is to channel your inner strength into doing what you need to do for yourself, in a quiet and determined way. He will cave once he sees you are totally locked into your target and won't back down.He thinks Gyms are a waist of money cause he has weights and a treadmill so there is no reason to pay for it but he also isn't willing to accommodate a little so I can work out at home.
[I'm assuming you also contribute to the household either monetarily (with an outside-the-home job) or with labor (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, errand-running, etc.) so you get to make some decisions about how the household money is spent.]
don't rationalize someone being thoughtless by thinking it's 'typical.'0 -
It is either deliberate sabotage or typical male thoughtlessness. Don't dwell on it. As I see it, you have two choices that fit within the lines you've drawn here. (1) Quietly and determinedly continue to move stuff out of the way so you can do your workouts at home, or (2) Quietly and determinedly go find a gym, plunk down the money, and do your workouts at the gym. The key is to channel your inner strength into doing what you need to do for yourself, in a quiet and determined way. He will cave once he sees you are totally locked into your target and won't back down.He thinks Gyms are a waist of money cause he has weights and a treadmill so there is no reason to pay for it but he also isn't willing to accommodate a little so I can work out at home.
[I'm assuming you also contribute to the household either monetarily (with an outside-the-home job) or with labor (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, errand-running, etc.) so you get to make some decisions about how the household money is spent.]
Yeah, I would advocate the get a gym membership option, at least for now. It could be thoughtlessness, but if he sees you leaving home to go to the gym, he may realize why (or it can come up in conversation). IMO, it's not worth getting in to an argument about, especially over and over, so it might be better just to be passive until things change.
Your other option is to use the moving stuff out of the way as your work out and just add it in. I'm not sure what stuff you're referring to moving in particular, but if you wind up lifting stuff and moving around, have that count as 5 minutes of your work out and just make it a habit. I view picking up after my SO and deep cleaning the house as exercise and it makes me a lot less cranky about having to do it!0 -
I would move his stuff anyways, and then put it back when I am done.....or I'd lay the weights on his side of the bed and tell him that is my storage spot for my weights.0
-
As a male I can't stress this enough "NEVER touch his stuff". I know where every tool, nut,bolt, doodad I own is. I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I know where every item I own is.
And if something is missing (especially when I need it) I know either the wife of child was messing with it.
Moving his stuff then "moving it back" is a bad, bad idea.
You two need to come up with a solution that works best for both of you. "Ultimatums" are for poor partners. Can you get a shelf for him to put his stuff on? He will probably be reluctant to organize his stuff but after he will be thankful.
You need to be really clear this is your house too, and unless he wants to pony up $$ for a gym membership you need to use the TOOLS in your home available to you. He has his tools, you have your tools. Both need equal RESPECT.
There has to be some way he can organize his stuff so that you don't need to touch it. You don't need to be cleaning up after him anyway.
Husband and wife are equal in the marriage.
Personally, I couldn't care less if my wife touches "my stuff." it's not like she trying to hide things on purpose. if she moves something that I can't find, I just ask her where she put it. She's pretty bright and can usually remember.0 -
Th eproblem with this is that she offered a reasonable compromise and he outright rejected it.As a male I can't stress this enough "NEVER touch his stuff". I know where every tool, nut,bolt, doodad I own is. I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I know where every item I own is.
And if something is missing (especially when I need it) I know either the wife of child was messing with it.
Moving his stuff then "moving it back" is a bad, bad idea.
You two need to come up with a solution that works best for both of you. "Ultimatums" are for poor partners. Can you get a shelf for him to put his stuff on? He will probably be reluctant to organize his stuff but after he will be thankful.
You need to be really clear this is your house too, and unless he wants to pony up $$ for a gym membership you need to use the TOOLS in your home available to you. He has his tools, you have your tools. Both need equal RESPECT.
There has to be some way he can organize his stuff so that you don't need to touch it. You don't need to be cleaning up after him anyway.
Husband and wife are equal in the marriage.
However, if the compromise offer occurred while you were both upset, it might be worth approaching more calmly when you've both calmed down.0 -
Could it be that he was just having a really bad day? You said he was supportive previously. Maybe it was one of those things that was nagging at him each day until he finally blew up.
How about trying to start a conversation with him when cooler heads are prevailing and see if he will be more willing to compromise at that point.0 -
[/quote]
don't rationalize someone being thoughtless by thinking it's 'typical.'
[/quote]
I was thinking the same thing. Painting all men as thoughtless? What sort of sexist, ignorant, bigoted, misandrous garbage is that?
Or is it ok to stereotype some groups and not others?0 -
Other than dealing with whatever the real underlying issue is there.... Why not move the stuff out of the way, then move it back when you are done?
what a novel idea....
winner winner, chicken dinner.0 -
you have to be patient, i was on the same boat when i was starting. i suggest don't get too affected by it. my approach was to make myself a laughing thing when i was doing it. never argue as this will only result to pointless discussion. after 2 years, my wife actually supports me and now guiding her to home workout too. but i know every couple are different, hope you can fix this together with your husband.
all the best0 -
There's a lot of missing context here. Project, space limitations, timeframes. What did she move? Why was it there? Why can't it be moved? What's the actual problem people are having? The whole interaction sounds irrational. Most likely deeper issues spilling over into some nonsense in the basement.0
-
There's a lot of missing context here. Project, space limitations, timeframes. What did she move? Why was it there? Why can't it be moved? What's the actual problem people are having? The whole interaction sounds irrational. Most likely deeper issues spilling over into some nonsense in the basement.
This0 -
God help my husband if he ever told me I "couldn't" do anything.
Asking nicely and coming to a resolution or a compromise is one thing, telling me what I can't and can do will earn him a one-way ticket to sleeping on the couch.0 -
Could you move his stuff then move it back when you're done?
What about moving the weights elsewhere?0 -
I'd move it anyways let him do his little temper tantrum and use it as fuel for your workout0
-
I cant move the weights there really isn't anywhere for them to go. I use a wide range of weights so I cant just take them up the stairs to the living room.
the stuff isn't just tools, its Lots of crap, storage, books, whatever. (on a side note he is always saying we have way to much stuff, but all that stuff has to be organized my him so its sitting there, granted he does work a lot so I understand he hasn't gotten to it yet)
The space isn't being fixed into a workout space or yes I would be more patient.
I'm going to talk to him tonight and see if we can work it out for me to still work out at home or I'm going to start a free trial tomorrow to prove the point that I'm still going to make it work and go from there.
Thank you for all the help, I needed to get it out.
0 -
Wow he is being pretty damned selfish isn't he? I like your plan hope it works out.0
-
God help my husband if he ever told me I "couldn't" do anything.
Asking nicely and coming to a resolution or a compromise is one thing, telling me what I can't and can do will earn him a one-way ticket to sleeping on the couch.
Ummm, sleeping on the couch in his new apartment that he doesn't share with ME!
Seriously, it sounds like he filpped becasue he feels like the OP is pressuring hin to finish a project that he doesn't want to finish or worse, he has hit a wall and can't finish due to lack of skill or knowledge. Slippery slope.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions