The Enabling Husband

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luvmakeup4ever
luvmakeup4ever Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
My husband is well aware of my consistent attempts at losing weight. I went and bought an elliptical/stationery bike (its 2 in 1) and changed my diet but he still brings in macadamia cookies, muffins, sweet tea, chocolate and thats just to name a few. We were out on a family outing and i told him i was hungry, so take me to subway and he took me to Wendys and bought me a burger and fries after I asked for a salad. He did the ordering because i was in the bathroom changing my 2 kids diapers and washing up for our lunch. I wanted to throw it away but we dont have the kind of money for me to do that. I keep telling him to stop buying such tasty treats but he said i deserve it because im such a good mother to the kids.
What should i do, how can i stop him when he thinks i want those foods when I really DONT!!!

Replies

  • Will_Lift_4_Shoes
    Will_Lift_4_Shoes Posts: 238 Member
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    My husband will do the same thing to me. Maybe you can switch duties...he can wash up and change the babies and you do the ordering. The other thing I have done is talk about my calories for the day and what I am willing to "spend" on lunch. Looking up the calories ahead of time and telling him that I want X cuz the calories aren't that expensive and he has been more responsive. As for the treats at home, I try to just ignore them, ask myself if I am truly hungry or if I am simply bored looking for something to do, or if I really want a treat. Leave yourself enough room for a treat. You have worked hard, but don't use it as a reward, use it as you can have this and you have the calories to spend. You may find that as you leave the sugar behind that you can't eat it like you used to without getting a tummyache. Keep sticking to it, it will pay off.

    PS the salads aren't always the best choice for calories....sometimes they are more than the burgers.
  • stringcheeze
    stringcheeze Posts: 286
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    You could always suggest that you want to be healthy so you can live a long life and enjoy your kids (and possible grand kids!) for many, many years to come!

    Give him a definitive list of healthy treats you love to buy if he wants to give you a reward. He probably just really doesn't have any idea what to get other than the usual "comfort foods."
  • MzBug
    MzBug Posts: 2,173 Member
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    Maybe sit him down and have a heart to heart? Tell him why you are doing this. Give him your reasons...take care of the kids, want to grow old with you, live to see grandchildren, you don't want to end up like so and so... Once things are explained in terms they understand most men will help you, you just have to make sure they understand. He may be afraid you will leave him, be seduced away from him once you lose the weight, or any number of other reasons. Comunication usually works. At least I got mine to eat the crap at work and not at home! lol

    Good Luck!
  • CynthiaCollin
    CynthiaCollin Posts: 406 Member
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    I am no expert but he really needs to listen to what you are saying and do it....if not you will never obatin your goals... Maybe you should sit down with him and explain to him how seriosly you want to do this and explain how unhappy you are. He should also respect what you say ....if you want a salad...you should get a salad....not a burger and fries.... even if he thinks you want it ....that is not right....seems to me he wants to keep you the way you are so perhaps he doesn't have to look at himself and realize maybe there are changes to be made ? Just a thought....
  • lcrichar
    lcrichar Posts: 8
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    Maybe you should try talking to him about your goals. He might love you just the way you are and not want you to lose any weight! I know I had to sit down and explain everything to my husband every time I decide to diet.

    I agree with jensbran. Try switching roles and when it has to do with food or exercise, you do it!

    Hope this helps!
  • bjberry
    bjberry Posts: 665 Member
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    People, especially men, do not like change. He loves you and wants you to himself.
    While he may win the war on fast food, you control cooling at home--right? Quietly and sweetly, make him and yourself tasty and healthy meals. If he likes what you make, he may become a believer in good foods.

    My husband had a very large stomach when I started my diet. He sat back eating his pizzas (and I had some, too--I love pizza). But I also managed to fit the rest of my calories each day around that fattening pizza and come in pretty close to my goal--plus I chased my grandson around the house for a few minutes more that day! ;)

    My husband stopped the pizzas, changed his way of cooking foods to oil-free sauteeing and baking, and has lost about 30 lbs off his stomach! He looks better, his blood pressuer is lower, and he is even considering quitting smoking!!! I love it.

    Oh, and I lost 10 pounds before I reached this site (without his help) and 25 lbs after I started on this site. My tricks:
    Lots of water
    Walking (with pedometer always at my waist to spur me to greater distances)
    Skim Milk
    Fat-free yogurt
    whole grains (oatmeal, breads, spaghetti, etc.)
    Fruits and Veggies (including black olives, avocado, nuts)
    Fish, lean meats, skin-free chicken and turkey, only one egg for breakfast per week.

    My thrill is watching both of us edge slightly smaller as time passes--a lb a week, or so.

    Your babies can be your exercise coaches. They have lots of energy and if you follow them all over the house or take them on walks (outside is great for us), you can count the calories.

    You can do this--with love and patience. Addendum: Dr Oz says that sex is very good for exercise and regular sex can help a person live about 10 years longer.

    Have fun with this whole experience! :drinker: (water)
  • Mamasota
    Mamasota Posts: 144
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    This is a more common problem than you might think. Men think that if you want to change, you must not be happy with them. It's always about them. You can say "I want to be healthy, I want to keep up with the kids, etc but he will still think it is all about him. You have to find some way of reassuring him. Maybe you could tell him that you are trying to get back in to a favorite dress that you want to wear to celebrate your anniversary. Good luck.
  • zenzoes
    zenzoes Posts: 187
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    Really let him know how hard you are working on trying to get healthy, the reasons why, and let him know how he can support you. He may be feeling left out, or just plain bad that you have to "suffer". And if there is a next time an order is mistakenly wrong, take it back to the counter and exchange it.
  • SharonsJetSet
    SharonsJetSet Posts: 159
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    My guy does the same thing. Wants to go out to fattening places to eat, suggests I go to the store for ice cream. I agree with what the others have posted.

    Recently I told him that I really need to be able to go to a restaurant with healthier choices. I also did exactly what someone else suggested. I consistently talked about my calorie intake, the water I needed to drink and my workouts.

    Now he asks me "are you going to the gym" and he's much more understanding when suggesting places to eat

    :flowerforyou:
  • thinmint23
    thinmint23 Posts: 31
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    ok so i can kinda relate to this..my husband is this twig and can eat 3000 calories a day and not gain 1 flipping pound..and he use to always enable mcdonalds, wendys, etc..junk foods etc. finally i sat down with him and explained that i want to be more healthy and start working out i wanted him to support me in my decision and as my life long partner he should be there for me! i suggested to him that he should start eating healthy with me and he agreed but occiasionally he slips up and has cookies and chips..i told him as long as he doesnt offer ne to me like he use to then i can live with that..i think you should maybe talk with him and tell him that if loves u then he should support u in what u want to do with ur health. good luck keep us posted!

    ps if u look into eat this not that! books it can be helpful..i found in some of those books that wendys salads are more high in calories than a burger and in the book he tells u to eat a burger instead if u do decide to go to wendys! hope this helps
  • sarah6207
    sarah6207 Posts: 7
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    I'm not saying this is the case, BUT! some men are jealous and don't want their wives/girlfriends to look good! My mom had a boyfriend who would do the same thing, but he made it no secret so she knew for sure what his motives were. Next time, order your food then go wash up:)
  • luvmakeup4ever
    luvmakeup4ever Posts: 60 Member
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    yes, all of you have valid points. I really want to sit him down and talk to him but he never listens when it comes to food. he has the philosophy that he loves me regardless and that you only live once so eat all u can. hes in the navy so he eats whatever he wants and he runs 3x a week with PT so he doesnt have to worry about having a sedentary life like me. i have 2 kids under the age of 2, i bought an elliptical/bike and i really dont have time to use them
    thanks for all the advice, it really helped
  • LotusF1ower
    LotusF1ower Posts: 1,259 Member
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    My husband is well aware of my consistent attempts at losing weight. I went and bought an elliptical/stationery bike (its 2 in 1) and changed my diet but he still brings in macadamia cookies, muffins, sweet tea, chocolate and thats just to name a few. We were out on a family outing and i told him i was hungry, so take me to subway and he took me to Wendys and bought me a burger and fries after I asked for a salad. He did the ordering because i was in the bathroom changing my 2 kids diapers and washing up for our lunch. I wanted to throw it away but we dont have the kind of money for me to do that. I keep telling him to stop buying such tasty treats but he said i deserve it because im such a good mother to the kids.
    What should i do, how can i stop him when he thinks i want those foods when I really DONT!!!

    I know he means well, but he is not being at all fair to you and is undermining your own judgement and decisions regarding yourself.

    Next time, you do the ordering, get him what he wants but you have exactly what you want. I totally sympathise with you here.

    On a more sensitive note, be careful he is not doing it all subconsciously because he is scared of you changing. He wouldn't be the first person to do that and he won't be the last. It could indeed, all be to do with his own insecurity. By giving you high calories grub, he figures you will stay as you are. (He could even be scared that if you lose your excess you won't want him anymore but will want God know who out there).

    Sounds stupid I know, but I have known this to happen before. All to do with the bloke's own insecurities.

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