How do I live without my security blanket?

MandysChange

I am really struggling today with food. I have a love/hate relationship with food. Today I hate it. I love the taste of it, but I hate that I feel out of control when I eat today. As I lose weight I feel like someone is slowly stealing my security blanket and it scares me. I feel like I need to be in control and I don't feel in control today. I have 200+ pounds to lose and I am 20 pounds down so far. How do I get past this so I can go forward on my journey?

lynn_glenmont

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying the extra weight feels like a security blanket? Do you know what you feel like it's protecting you from?

MandysChange

Yes, my morbid obesity has always been my shield away from people. I was brutally raped when I was a teenager. I am now in my mid 30's. As I lose weight people are beginning to notice and compliment me. I am also noticing that my clothes don't fit as well as they did. As much as I want to lose the weight and be healthy, there is a feeling that I am stepping out of my comfort zone and losing my security blanket.

arabianhorselover

Have you ever seen a therapist about your experience as a teenager?

Brandolin11

Yes, my morbid obesity has always been my shield away from people. I was brutally raped when I was a teenager. I am now in my mid 30's. As I lose weight people are beginning to notice and compliment me. I am also noticing that my clothes don't fit as well as they did. As much as I want to lose the weight and be healthy, there is a feeling that I am stepping out of my comfort zone and losing my security blanket.

I am in awe of the amazing steps you're taking at this age and with what you've gone through in your life. What an inspiration you are!

I absolutely get what you're talking about in terms of BOTH the fat AND the food being your "security". For me, the fat used to be a shield to keep people away (especially men) and the food comforted me in times of strong emotion - which for a gal like me, was all the time.

Humans are designed to survive and you've done that the best way you've known how, all these years.

The beautiful (and yet terrifying) thing - is that you're starting to realize that's not *actually* the best way... and that you can THRIVE instead of survive. And guess what? You're right.

You say, "there is a feeling that I am stepping out of my comfort zone and losing my security blanket". You just spoke 100% truth. That is EXACTLY what's happening. The reality is that in order for you to become healthy, in EVERY aspect - mind, emotions, spirit, and body - you will have to lose the "security blankets" of body fat...and particular comfort foods.

It's a horrible thought, isn't it? The thought of being "naked" in front of strangers (or worse...those close to us)? The thought of getting through the day without our "drugs" (cookies, ice cream, chips, pizza, pop, etc. etc.)? TRUST ME - I understand how hard it is as do many of us on these boards.

The question is - and this is the only question that matters - are you WILLING? Are you willing. That's it.

Are you willing to give these things up? To open your hands and let them go?
Are you willing to get up and try, even after you trip, sometimes over and over and over?
Are you willing to ask for help and lean on others?
Are you willing to submit yourself to a tried-and-true process of eating right and exercising?

Are you WILLING to be FREE and HAPPY? <===scariest one of all, IMHO

If you can answer "yes" to the above question, then I have a recommendation for you. Check out the link at the bottom of this post and start to read the text contained within the links on that page, from top to bottom. If you feel what this book is saying might apply to you, consider attending an OA meeting with other folks working the 12 steps of recovery from compulsive overeating... I did it and it was the best thing I ever did.

You CAN do this - but you can't do this alone. Just a consideration. Blessings to you.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

MandysChange

Yes, I have seen many therapists over the years for this. It is nothing new and I thought that I had emotionally dealt through all aspects of what happened in my teenage years. My mother actually admitted me into the eat disorders unit twice in high school. Once for bulimia and once for compulsive over eating. They did help, but then after being out almost a year that is when the rape occurred and it set me way back. I have had food issues almost all of my life. I know I have a very bad relationship with food and now I am forcing myself to deal with it in a healthy way. I am better today than I was yesterday and I hope tomorrow I am better than I was today. For me this journey is one day at a time. That is all I can concentrate on. I can't think 6-12 months into the future at this point. I know I will overcome this, but I also know realistically that I have a long hard road ahead of me. The good news is that I know I can do this, but it will be the hardest thing I have every done in my life which is saying a lot.

1longroad

I understand why you are having problems!! You have lost 10% of the weight you intend to lose!! That is significant, which of course, even though it makes you feel good, it will also bring up other issues. This is something that you will not be able to get enough help with here, on a foru,. This is an issue you need to have a counselor work with you on.

You are worth it!! You deserve to live a happy and healthy life, without using food to protect you!!! If there is a counselor you felt comfortable with previously, contact them now, and if not, see if you can find someone to discuss this with. You are worth it!!!