supportive versus coddling

eileen0515

Say you go to a dinner party, but your partner stays home. Since your partner is not there to hear what you say. You spend the evening airing your complaints about him. Healthy or no?

There is nothing private about the internet.

Your relationship is the problem, work on that. Otherwise all I see is a train wreck. Sorry not trying to be mean.

annbillingsley

Thanks for all the opinions! I really appreciate them! I know it is NOT the best place to air things out, but seeing as it was during a weekend at night, my counselor was not handy and all my friends were in bed, so I had no one to talk to personally.

I had a controlling, manipulative and abusive husband. I am still trying to figure out where my boundaries are and how to enforce them. I don't want to act inappropriately or get irrationally upset, so I took my problem here.

I know I have a myriad of issues regarding food, so I need rational perspective on things and asking people, even on a public forum, is a step forward for me. I would have just figured I was being completely irrational and my bf was right to ask for my help and not give it in return.

He pays $300 a month for groceries. I spend much more than that to feed us all. And yes, he purposely keeps his apartment without food so he isn't tempted to eat when he is there. Whenever he spends the night at my place, he binges. I feel I do as much as I possibly can and he just has to get to his "lowest point" before he realizes he cannot hide from food forever.

I try to discuss this with him, but he thinks I am trying to make him fail and he sees nothing wrong with his point of view.

There is a lot of tension going on at home, for reasons other than my bf. I have not been at my best as of late, which isn't great for me being rational. Which again, is why I came on for advice. I honestly wanted to know if I was in the wrong. Not that I was RIGHT, but to make sure I wasn't being a b*tch and was asking too much.

annbillingsley

Say you go to a dinner party, but your partner stays home. Since your partner is not there to hear what you say. You spend the evening airing your complaints about him. Healthy or no?

There is nothing private about the internet.

Your relationship is the problem, work on that. Otherwise all I see is a train wreck. Sorry not trying to be mean.

I would say it would be healthier than bottling it up and resenting him for it later because it festered. Sometimes a b*tch session is just a b*tch session to blow off steam. I know he complains about me to others as well.

AlongCame_Molly

So I can assume he will read this? Nice shaming job.

and in case you are wondering how I knew about his posts even though we are blocked from each other, it was because after he posted, he expected people would tell him he was right on and I was a witch. he did NOT get the response he wanted, to he came to me and pouted and sulked about it.

Your boyfriends sounds really awesome and mature. Big hit at parties, is he?

You are coddling him. If that bothers you then tell him to man up and take charge of his own actions. He will not like it, and it will probably piss him off something fierce. The best thing would be to lay it all out calmly, stick to the facts "I will/will not do this for you" do not open yourself up for debate, and then leave the room calmly and quietly if you need to.

Let it all sink in with him, and then STICK TO WHAT YOU SAID. Nothing will undo everything you just said faster than going back on your word, so make sure you mean every word of what you tell him.

slim4health56

Both of you need to grow some...seriously.

1. Your house, your rules. This can be said with a smile on your face and compassion in your tone.
2. You do NOT have to buy junk food for your kids either. Replace the junk with fruit and nuts.
3. No food in your boyfriend's apartment and he's telling you what to buy for him? No.

Just read your follow up post about bf giving you money for groceries. In your mind, does that give him license to run your life? There's a word for women who sell their services to men...you really want this in your life?

eileen0515

Say you go to a dinner party, but your partner stays home. Since your partner is not there to hear what you say. You spend the evening airing your complaints about him. Healthy or no?

There is nothing private about the internet.

Your relationship is the problem, work on that. Otherwise all I see is a train wreck. Sorry not trying to be mean.

I would say it would be healthier than bottling it up and resenting him for it later because it festered. Sometimes a b*tch session is just a b*tch session to blow off steam. I know he complains about me to others as well.

A ***** session is not working on your problems with your partner. That should be between you and he. I said nothing about bottling it up. Your priorities and perspective is skewed Both of you. If you care about someone, you do not shame them in front of others. I can see that you do not understand this. All I can say at this point, is good luck.

annbillingsley

Say you go to a dinner party, but your partner stays home. Since your partner is not there to hear what you say. You spend the evening airing your complaints about him. Healthy or no?

There is nothing private about the internet.

Your relationship is the problem, work on that. Otherwise all I see is a train wreck. Sorry not trying to be mean.

I would say it would be healthier than bottling it up and resenting him for it later because it festered. Sometimes a b*tch session is just a b*tch session to blow off steam. I know he complains about me to others as well.

A ***** session is not working on your problems with your partner. That should be between you and he. I said nothing about bottling it up. Your priorities and perspective is skewed Both of you. If you care about someone, you do not shame them in front of others. I can see that you do not understand this. All I can say at this point, is good luck.

Thank you very much! I appreciate it!

annbillingsley

So I can assume he will read this? Nice shaming job.

and in case you are wondering how I knew about his posts even though we are blocked from each other, it was because after he posted, he expected people would tell him he was right on and I was a witch. he did NOT get the response he wanted, to he came to me and pouted and sulked about it.

Your boyfriends sounds really awesome and mature. Big hit at parties, is he?

You are coddling him. If that bothers you then tell him to man up and take charge of his own actions. He will not like it, and it will probably piss him off something fierce. The best thing would be to lay it all out calmly, stick to the facts "I will/will not do this for you" do not open yourself up for debate, and then leave the room calmly and quietly if you need to.

Let it all sink in with him, and then STICK TO WHAT YOU SAID. Nothing will undo everything you just said faster than going back on your word, so make sure you mean every word of what you tell him.

Thank you! i talked it over with him. Usually we do that, but he was at work and couldn't really discuss it last night. I am going to set boundaries and try my hardest to stick with them! I am still learning

SteveStedge1

This "relationship" sounds about as healthy as your collective relationship with food.

Rockstar_JILL

Stay strong Ann and be in control of your own destiny.....We only get one life.....let's make it a happy one!!!