My daughter has an eating disorder.

jroulo

I'm looking for advice on how to react to my daughter who clearly suffers from anorexia. She has not been honest about how much she really weighs until last night. She declared she hasn't been eating and went in and weighed herself and came back out and announced that she weighs 107 lbs. (She's 5 ft. 5.5 inches tall.) She has the tell-tale grayish color to her skin and sunken eyes. When we asked why she hadn't been eating she said because nobody cooks. (I had a delicous ham and bean soup in the crockpot all weekend. And apple pie in the fridge.)
She is 23 years old with addiction issues and is barely able to take care of her 9 month old baby. Her and her boyfriend have been living with us for a couple of months. I tend to use a tough love approach thinking eventually she have to start taking care of things but it seems things are not getting any better.
She did go see a doctor but he's 90 minutes away and she didn't even verify that she was being seen for an eating disorder. I'm of course not privy to any of her medical info because she's an adult.
I don't want to sit by and do nothing but I honestly don't know what to do.

thatsillyshana

The best thing you could do is listen to her. If she is anorexic, there is not much you can do but support a healthy lifestyle. If her excuse is that no one cooks, you might have to just put food in front of her and see if she'll eat that. Maybe someone on this site who has struggled with ana can give you more insight.

1a1a

I hope someone with concrete advice posts.

Last time I was on here almost all of my 'friends' were 'ana' or 'mia' (young women, I guess they use mfp as an opportunity to friend collect and increase their chances of gaining psychological validation). One sentiment was overwhelming, people turn to disordered eating when they feel like they have no control over their lives. Another was that it is a REALLY hard problem to kick. Thoroughly recommending seeking professional help.

Also personally suspect that Western medicine has no idea how to help people with eating disorders and that you will be best off finding ways to help her become a happier person (then self care and eating well will follow - of course, totally unqualified advice here, take with all the grains of salt needed).

Siobhan108

Dealing with eating disorders is a very difficult road to travel. I have a 42 year old daughter that has been ill on and off since she was first diagnosed at 17. It has taken a great deal of counseling for her and support groups for me to get to the point we are now at. She has been in-house treated 4 times during that period. I would say that she is at least letting you know something now, for the first time.

My first suggestion would be to find a psychologist that specializes in eating disorders. That is a must ! It is not as much about the lack of eating, that is secondary, it's about her body image. She must really like her therapist or she will not open up about the reasons behind her restriction of food. It is a control issue. When she cannot control other things that are going on in her life she knows she can control what she eats.

I am on daily so feel free to vent your frustrations. There is also a good site you might want to look into for parents and love ones, it is called "Something Fishy ".

lynn1982

As others have said, it's a psychological issue. The best thing you can do is to listen to her and support her. In my experience, doctors have very little idea of how to help someone who is anorexic. She needs to address what is going on in her life that has led to his (and she's going to need help in order to do this). If you can support her in doing this, then that is fantastic. I suffered from anorexia as a teenager. The best thing my mother did was have me help with the grocery shopping and cooking meals. I'm not sure if that is a conventional way to do it, but I felt better about eating the meal because i knew exactly what went into it. She didn't push me to eat things that I didn't consider "safe" until I was ready to eat them. Your daughter is going to need a team for help and you need to be part of that team.

jroulo

Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm thinking on the grocery shopping and cooking with her. She doesn't seem to have the strength to take on such a project right now. She may go to the store and spend the money but I'm sure she would get distracted and I would end up cooking what we had bought alone.

cuinboston2014

Do you have other concerned family members/loved ones that have expressed concern for her, too? Since you can't make her get treatment, you can't make her eat, and you can't make her talk to a professional - she needs to do these things - maybe if you pour out and do an outreach she will start to get it.

You can contact professionals who can help set up and perform an intervention. It may help her want to get help and see that she has a problem.

Good luck - I'll keep you in my prayers.

jroulo

Finding professional help in our area is a huge problem. There is nobody local to us. She drove an hour and a half to go to the doctor she did go to. She doesn't have a car or license or gas money so she relies on other people to get there. Everyone in the family can see that there's a problem but nobody knows what to do. The worst of it is, I'm not sure that the eating disorder is the biggest problem. I totally agree that if she could resolve the psychological & addiction issues the eating disorder would work itself out.

nyc1man

Opionion: When you have a eating disorder nothing will work itself out. Truth is it will be a life problem for her I agree with above and there needs to be a way to get a phycalogist in her life. Also the more family the better in her life and have them all eat together that way you can judge how bad it really is.. Be careful with the child not to see or start doing the same as mom otherwise you will have more problems in the future.

TheGymGypsy

Your daughter is clearly a grown woman with responsibilities. You need to sit her down and tell her that her behavior is destructive not only to her, but to you and her child. Ultimately the decision to change must be hers. But as long as she is living under your roof you need to make it clear you will not tolerate her starving herself.

lynn1982

Finding professional help in our area is a huge problem. There is nobody local to us. She drove an hour and a half to go to the doctor she did go to. She doesn't have a car or license or gas money so she relies on other people to get there. Everyone in the family can see that there's a problem but nobody knows what to do. The worst of it is, I'm not sure that the eating disorder is the biggest problem. I totally agree that if she could resolve the psychological & addiction issues the eating disorder would work itself out.

The eating disorder IS a psychological disorder.

cuinboston2014

Finding professional help in our area is a huge problem. There is nobody local to us. She drove an hour and a half to go to the doctor she did go to. She doesn't have a car or license or gas money so she relies on other people to get there. Everyone in the family can see that there's a problem but nobody knows what to do. The worst of it is, I'm not sure that the eating disorder is the biggest problem. I totally agree that if she could resolve the psychological & addiction issues the eating disorder would work itself out.

It's a serious problem. Does anyone in your family have an employee assistance program line that you can call for referrals, support, resources? Obviously she doesn't see it as a problem but you need to get her to that point. She needs to get it. What is her boyfriend doing to help with the issue? Anything?

And - my heart goes out to you. Now you have a grandchild that you are looking after. My sister struggled with anorexia for years. I don't remember much of it as she's older than I am and was away at college and i was minding my own 8 year old business. I don't know what woke her up to get help but I know it was scary for her and my parents.

Make sure to take care of yourself, too I wish I could be of some real help to you but all I have is words!

ldrosophila

Bless your heart Mom.

Do you think you need to take the tough love approach time to get help or get out? Is there any harm to the child at this point? It wont be long before her negative behavior affects the baby hopefully she can get the help she needs before then.

There isnt much we can do but offer support, and payers. I hope she gets the help and healing she needs.

crystalfrancie

I will use some tough love on you, Mom. The fact that the doctor is 1.5 hours away is not an excuse not to go.

Do you drive? Can you drive your daughter to get help so she feels that SOMEONE'S ON HER SIDE? Having other responsibilities is NOT an excuse not to see that her medical and psychological needs are met.

Love is a verb, not just a feeling. That means when you love someone and they're in trouble, you TAKE ACTION. She obviously can't make the best decision for herself right now so that's where YOU step in, Mom.

Anorexia is the most fatal of all psychological disorders. Anorexia could be the root of ALL her troubles.

I have a friend whose daughter was treated for anorexia. The mom is a single mom with a fulltime job who is responsible for another child and aging parents. She managed to get her child daily to a treatment program - it was over an hour's drive each way - for months on end. At times she made arrangements with responsible friends or family members to get her daughter to-and-from. She somehow managed to get her daughter to treatment daily and thus deliver the message to her daughter that "this is hard work for me but you are worth it". Other parents in this treatment program faced the same challenges of a long drive and other responsibilities but they, too, managed it.

If you don't help your daughter, who will? If you don't behave as if this is a life-threatening condition, who will?

No one loves their child more than a parent. She needs to know that she has you to count on, and that she is worth all the trouble.Don't drop the ball.

I suggest meeting with a knowledgeable, understanding physician who can lead you through this treatment, and push for answers, results and treatment.

Nothing you have to do today is more important than getting your daughter the help she needs. Good luck.

crystalfrancie

And that fact that she's 23 is no excuse, either. She can sign a waiver that states you will be included in knowing about her diagnosis and treatment. You have a carrot to wave in front of her to get her to sign the waiver -- she is living as a guest in your house.

bmqbonnie

It sounds like she may have deeper issues. It's a really personal question so you don't have to answer, but... she's 23, has a kid and a boyfriend, lives with you, doesn't have a car or a license? It sounds like she really has very little control of her life and the AN may be aggravated by that. You mentioned addiction too. Eating disorders, addiction, and another mood disorder (depression, bipolar, etc) all often go hand in hand all together. A trifecta that keeps one down in the dirt.

Would it be possible to help her set up a new life closer to the treatment center? To help her get a job and apartment in that area, visit her often, make sure she's getting treatment? She needs help, but often times providing free rent is too much help if that makes sense. Having some initiative and control over her life may help her more in the end than leeching off of you (I am making assumptions here, please don't be offended but that's kind of what sounds like is going on). Is the boyfriend a deadbeat or what's up with that?

I'm not saying to dump her out on the street. You should absolutely still be involved but it's kind of like teaching one to fish. You can still help financially but there must be an end goal for her to meet.

She needs to eat, obviously, to stay alive but it's not the root of the problem. She needs treatment for the fact that she feels the need to do this to herself. As far as saying that nobody cooked, if she is anorexic she will come up with all kinds of excuses to not eat and may become very sneaky about it. She may start hoarding food and claiming she ate it, or purge it- it's not exclusive to bulimics.

This is a really hard situation to navigate, especially since she's an adult. It's a serious issue- people die from it and it can exacerbate other problems as well.

lauren3101

I can tell you for one, tough love won't work in this situation. Gentle encouragement, support and patience will.

She has to be ready to deal with her anorexia herself, but you could let her know that you are aware she has a problem and would like to help her, if you can. Getting her to admit to it is the first step. Tell her you will be there for her. Remind her she's a parent now and she needs to be well to give her child the love and support it needs. Encourage her to visit her doctor properly and try to accompany her - a 1.5 hour drive is NO excuse.

I hope your daughter gets better. :flowerforyou:

arrseegee

As someone who has lived with both sisters and a flatmate with eating disorders I understand what it is like to live with someone like this, although I do not know the heartbreak you will be feeling as a mother watching her spiral out of control. I think the secretiveness is the most problematic thing to deal with, because in my experience anorexics tend to lie and will do whatever they can do to prevent you from a) realising the extent of the problem and b) from intervening.

Because she is an adult you cannot force her to get treatment, however because she is living with you and there is a child involved it is something that you can't ignore. It is a very tough situation to be in, because the disorder is self-perpetuating, almost like an addiction itself, and it does get harder to treat the older someone is when they start showing the symptoms.

She needs to get to a point where she realises she wants to help herself, and that usually comes from hitting rock bottom rather than being pushed into it by others. That said, while she is living in your house you may have a level of influence over her in terms of you strongly suggesting that she get some sort of treatment if she wants to keep living with you (I personally think a degree of tough love would be better for someone her age than tip-toeing around her and continuing to watch her get worse, but I don't think this means that you don't support her at all - there is room for both). There are many websites for both sufferers and people who are trying to support anorexics to combat the illness, and I wonder whether they would be worth your while to look at - particularly so that you can get some support, because while most of the comments here are helpful it might be more useful to get support from others in a similar situation.

leslisa

PMing you now. I'm anorexic (pretty recovered - only the occasional relapse) but I don't really want to post the details here.

lauraspberry

hi! I'm an occupational therapy student I messaged you. I really wanna help you. I'm still a student so my suggestions aren't guaranteed to work but it may.

Occupational therapists are health professionals (rehabilitation) who helps people to recover from their physical or mental disabilities/problems/issues by enabling them to do their everyday tasks independently and efficiently. Everyday tasks involve eating so it will help with anorexia nervosa patients to get back on track and eating right.

pyrowill

Your daughter is clearly a grown woman with responsibilities. You need to sit her down and tell her that her behavior is destructive not only to her, but to you and her child. Ultimately the decision to change must be hers. But as long as she is living under your roof you need to make it clear you will not tolerate her starving herself.

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IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

as someone who is also 5'5" and used to be anorexic (down to 95 pounds), I'm not certain that she is, yet, but given the information, could be on her way there. If her reason really is that no one cooks, I wouldn't be so concerned, but going to the store and cooking with her would be the first thing I would suggest. If it continues, then be concerned. If she starts eating, maybe it really was more of a matter of picky eating. Encourage her to either talk to her doctor or see if that doctor will recommend someone closer. Best wishes to you both!

nm212

She needs to see a psychiatrist. One of my close friends from high school had anorexia. She's making excuses and trying to get your attention right now by saying excuses. Don't get mad at her, get her help! She might be angry at you at first, but be very thankful in the end. She might need to be put into a mental institution. It sounds horrible but it does work in the end. My friend went through this as well for years, in and out of one, but now she is healthy and happier than she's ever been. She needs professional help. ESPECIALLY if she has a child. She needs help NOW. You have to be there to support her. Let her be angry at you but she will thank you in the end.

DrMAvDPhD

You should put her in counseling, not seek for an answer on an internet forum.

nm212

The cooking is not the issue. She needs counseling. Yes, it might help if she sees what you are cooking or goes shopping with you, to feel more in control but if she is anorexic, she has a mental illness and needs professional help.

Llamapants86

You should put her in counseling, not seek for an answer on an internet forum.

And how do you suggest she "puts" an adult into counselling without her consent?

I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I really don't have any advice as I have never been there, good luck to both of you.

nm212

She's an adult but she is still living with her Mom. Mom can drive her there, make an appointment for her, and have a heart-to-heart in the car before she goes in. At that point, she can give her daughter a choice...but the appointment is made and she is already there , so it makes it easy to just go. This is what I would do if it were my daughter. I would be honest with her and tell her that she needs some help and that you love her and want the best for her. Hopefully she will make the right choice for herself and her family. It's worth a try.

PinkPrism

Why doesn't she have a driver's license or a job and what other addiction issues does she have?

My daughter is in an eating treatment center in Colorado right now and it is not local to where we live.
I have come to the conclusion a lot of her problems are not anorexia as much as a choice to live dysfunctionnally.
She never could move away from home to go to college.

My husband and I have decided since we are on retirement now and have literally run out of money to help
her, that when she comes home, we will pay for her to live separately from us in her own apartment
and we will do this only for a limited time while she finds a job. After so much money we paid
for therapists and nutritionists for over a decade and her never doing what she was told to do, and after
this treatment center, she will need to realize if she is not "over it" to where she can function in society,
then she will need to go to AA and do their 12-step program which will work and it is free. Our daughter
is not "one of those people" and we realize this, but that's all we can do for her. She chose not to help herself
for so long, has been through failed relationships, including marriages, and her use of unprotected sex is
a "hallmark" of her problem. We have told her we won't raise any children out of hers she refuses to take care
of and we won't. I know of too many people raising their kid's kids. I never saw that when I was a child. So
this is something that is happening now with our generation and it is not right.

I think we don't do things like our parents did and we are suffering as a nation. Anorexia is basically
an American and Japanese phenomena and after 12 years of trying to help our daughter, we are now
searching for boundaries to save ourselves, both financially and medically. We are both in our 60s and
this has taken at least 10 years off of our lives.

We used to be so "caught up in the drama" and always trying to "fix it". Now it will be up to our daughter
to fix it herself and the consequences will be very bad for her if she chooses not to, since she won't be in
our lives.

That is tough love. What you are doing is not tough love. I realize I sound heartless but I am totally powerless
over this disease. All I can have any power over is the program I choose to follow which is a healthy lifestyle
with or without her.

Good luck and I do wish the very best for you but having her live at home with her boyfriend and child for
any reason is not a good idea in my view. It's time she be able to get her own license, get a job and figure
out what to do about getting a car and also that boyfriend.

recover_healthy_fit

I am going through an Eating Disorder, also....

My parents knew about it for awhile and truth is, there's not much you can do until she admits to her problem and actually wants the help. I went to my parents after a night of crying about it.....I don't like living the way that I do, but I also don't want to be bigger.....it's so hard to understand.....

MaeRenee94

She wont go, she won't admit it fully.
You cannot force her, she has to cave a little.

For me..no choice. I fainted at practice, taken to a hospital. It was very evident what was wrong with me and I was kept there, moved to a treatment facility.
This facility 3 states away, distance shouldn't matter if she is truly sick.
Talking to someone about issues didn't come easy, but eventually I got there. And that is truly what saved me. I suffer everyday, I want to fall back. But I don't because the people behind won't let me, and I am scared to get back to where I was. I was released from treatment 4 months ago, and am thinking of going back in weekly to support groups. I was in the facility for 9 months and have been receiving treatment for 3 years.
It's a battle, and you need to get on board. Drive her to the doctor if you truly care.

emilyisbonkers

what is the addiction?
if it is a stimulant addiction, that may have caused the weightloss, and not anorexia