A friend who might be an alcoholic - I need advice!

scrapbooklady

Help! I have a dear friend who I am pretty certain is an alcoholic. We have 2 other mutual friends whom I have spoken with and all 3 of us agree that there is a problem. She is very put together - has a job, 4 kids, husband, involved in the community so you would never guess. I am not sure how to go about helping her but I know someone needs to do something. I have called her at 11 pm on a weeknight and she has been drunk, I have gone away for the weekend with her and at 11 am she was sipping vodka. The scary part is she is still nursing her 3 1/2 year old (probably only once a day) but she is drinking every day too!

Does anyone have any experience with this? I am fairly certain if I say something to her she will make a joke about having Russian ancestors and vodka is like water to them and that she is okay. I worry if I go to her husband he will either say its under control or deny it completely.

I am scared that if I confront her she will never speak to me again. Our daughters are best friends and I am scared to death to ruin their relationship. Do I go to her or to her husband? I have thought about talking to our clergy who also is friendly with them socially and see if he can offer me advice.

I really do not know what to do but I think about it daily and realize that not doing anything is simply not an option. I have stopped letting her give my kids rides because I am scared she will have alcohol in her.

If anyone has any words of advice I would be so appreciative!!

Fuzzipeg

This is a very difficult spot you find yourself in.

Being the spouse of a heavy drinker/alcoholic is no fun. He may appreciate a friendly word. Something to the effect, friend "............ did not seem herself whenever and was she ok". It is also possible he will be in denial too, he could be considered to be a co-dependant, jargonese.

The person who is in the middle of it has to get to an incredibly low point to want to address the issue, claiming, "it is only social drinking". Some people reach a point where they hide their supply. Even drinking the bottle to the same point each day. She is the only one who can "want" to change and there is no knowing where she is on the slope. People who have a drink/gambling problem have to "keep it together", even though they know where they are and what they are doing is potentially so very destructive. She is an unusual lady to be still nursing at 3.5 years.

Mentioning this to the minister could be helpful to you because he will "know" more about "life" situations, and may be able to come along side her and directly help or give pointers to you or one or other of the couple to help them through the situation.

I commend you and your other friends for wanting to voice your concerns. Your being prepared to give support may be all the husband needs to come through this. What ever you decide to do. You are well intentioned friends, please do not give either of them the idea they have been the subject of conversation or you may well loose them.

Tread carefully, bless you all.

iamanadult

Those two examples you gave do not mean she in an alcoholic. My advice would be to mind your own business.

You're wondering if you should go to her husband? You don't think he probably has more insight to the situation than you do?

digitalbill

I have a friend who WAS in a very similar situation.
I finally sat down with him and told him bluntly.
"Mike, I noticed you are drinking a LOT. Is everything OK?"

I think he was drinking so often that he really didn't notice anymore. My saying something kind of brought it to the front.
He still drinks but, not very often anymore.
And we are still close friends.

TheSlorax

I'm really not convinced she's an alcoholic and I think you might be overreacting. The weeknight drinking is not great, and neither is consuming alcohol while breastfeeding, but the child is 3 1/2 so I find it very strange she's even still doing that (that's honestly the weirdest part of this story IMO). However, an 11am cocktail while on a weekend getaway is completely normal. I would definitely stay out of it. If she has a real problem, she has to want to help herself before you can help her anyway.

Cliffslosinit

Alcoholism is a disease.
You are not qualified to diagnose her are you?

As for the 3 1/2 yr old....next time she flops one out.
Point and laugh at the little bugger.
Let the kid know those belong to daddy!

Milk is in the fridge!

pawnstarNate

Steer clear of this. If you feel like you just can't sit back and let it bother you anymore. Be prepared for the consequences of losing a friend, interfering with your daughters friend, etc. However, if there is the possibility that she is increasing the chances of hurting someone....say something. Example: If she is driving her daughter and your daughter to the movies or something (not sure how old your daughter is) and she might be drinking....there is a problem because as a mother, you have to protect your daughter from those dangers. Otherwise, let it play out. People go through phases in life....this might pass. If it becomes a serious problem for her...she might come to you one day if she believes you are there for her as a true friend to begin with.

arrseegee

I have a friend who WAS in a very similar situation.
I finally sat down with him and told him bluntly.
"Mike, I noticed you are drinking a LOT. Is everything OK?"

I think he was drinking so often that he really didn't notice anymore. My saying something kind of brought it to the front.
He still drinks but, not very often anymore.
And we are still close friends.

^ this. It is absolutely appropriate to say something to her when she is a good friend, and I think if you do it from the caring perspective ("I have noticed you are drinking a lot and I am worried about you") it is likely to go better. There is definitely a risk that she will get offended about it, particularly if she is totally in denial, but then again it could be the trigger she needs to talk about it and start getting some help. If she reacts badly then leave it at that for now, but if you say something and then other people are also brave enough to say something then perhaps she will realise that you are trying to help her.

Too many people think it's not their business and will just look away (including some very very unhelpful posts in this thread), but drinking is an addiction as much as any other addiction is, and addicted people need to know there are people who care enough about them to help them.

A huge congratulations to you for wanting to say something, you are a real friend to her if you bring it up, no matter what her response is.

LishieFruit89

I had a friend who I knew was having problems with alcohol due to his PTSD from returning from Afghanistan.
I talked to one of our mutual friends who had recently returned as well.

The first friend and I are no longer friends.

SteveJWatson

As much as I am an ardent supporter of breast feeding...3 1/2 years or months old? If she hasn't weaned a 3 1/2 year old then she has bigger problems than the drinking.

Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, neither of the situations in the OP suggest that she might be. Drunk at 11pm? so? Has been known to have a drink at 11am? Hasn't everyone?

arghbowl

TBH you sound like a booze shunner.

1.) There's nothing wrong with week night drinking if it is not impacting her daily life. If she's hungover every day, that's different.

2.) 11am? Ever heard of a mimosa or bloody mary? Those are usually served even earlier.

3.) Why is a 3.5 yr old still breast feeding? That's honestly the only worrisome thing you've posted here...

4.) Mind your own business. Until you can clearly illustrate to someone that it is having an adverse effect on her life, it isn't your place to say anything.

wolverine66

The examples you provided don't convince me.

Drunk on a weekday? So? What was the context? Did she have to work the next day? Was she out at happy hour after work? Was she working the next day? Just because it was a weekday doesn't mean there's a problem. And if you go away for a weekend for relaxation, day drinking seems to be fine (to me). (My general rule is it's okay to drink before noon for vacation, holidays, and tailgating.)

You said the child was breastfeeding once a day, did you keep track of the time between her drinking and the breastfeeding? Alcohol does leave the system. My general rule is it's okay to drink before noon for vacation, holidays, and tailgating. I couldn't care less about how old the kid was, to each his/her own.

Is she drinking to the point where she's drunk daily, or is she having a glass of wine or two a day?

i don't know... i guess you probably didn't give all the info.

I guess if you feel compelled to say something, then do it. Nothing accusatory or aggressive, just something like one of the other posters said ("are you okay?"). And then drop it. If one of my friends asked me about something like this, i wouldn't cut them off. If they nagged me about it, or sighed every time i had a drink, or whatever, then I would stop hanging out with him/her.

leslisa

For reference, my dad was an alcoholic. I don't consider myself one

11am is when football starts. I'm drinking. Maybe not every weekend I start at that time, but if the game is on, the wings are served, I'm there!

3.5 years is a person's choice to breastfeed. Does the doc say it's OK to drink and breastfeed? If he/she's OK with it none of my business. I've known La Leche women who breast fed to 8 years old and they do it in other countries.

11pm and drunk? How drunk? Like get naked in front of the kids and jump in the pool drunk (this happened at our home and I asked the person's husband to take her home) or drunk as in really mellow and watching a late night smoozy movie with the old man after which I plan on smoozing with the old man.

Say something? You can. Be prepared to defend your position and let her know you're saying it because your worried not because you want to interfere in someone else's pretty awesome life. If you said that to me I'd likely tell you so shove off. (and not that nicely)

Fuzzipeg

If anyone thinks what I wrote above is out of order........... I have been too close to a problem of this sort, regrettably.

One innocent victim is one many, we were a family, consideration might have helped. We are living with the fallout, even though we have moved on.

A case of walk in my shoes...

if you dare

Lisa1971

I have no advice for you but wish you the best of luck and same for your friend! My FIL is a diehard alcoholic and I hate it when he's around my kids so I feel for you.

suziepoo1984

Alcoholism is a disease.
You are not qualified to diagnose her are you?

As for the 3 1/2 yr old....next time she flops one out.
Point and laugh at the little bugger.
Let the kid know those belong to daddy!

Milk is in the fridge!

Lol..I agree though

redheaddee

The little bit you posted here does not sound like a person who is dependent on alcohol. Drunk at 11pm...well the kids are in bed and that is *my* time. 11am drink on holiday? I have had beer with breakfast on holiday.

That being said, the DSM-IV criteria for alcohol abuse & dependance are as follows:

ALCOHOL ABUSE.(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least one of the following occurring within a 12-month period:

•Recurrent use of alcohol resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to alcohol use; alcohol-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
•Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by alcohol use)
•Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct)
•Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication).
(B) Never met criteria for alcohol dependence.

ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE.(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

•Need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect; or markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
•The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol; or drinking (or using a closely related substance) to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
•Drinking in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended.
•Persistent desire or one or more unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control drinking
•Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of drinking
•A great deal of time spent in activities necessary to obtain, to use, or to recover from the effects of drinking
•Continued drinking despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to be caused or exacerbated by drinking.
(B) No duration criterion separately specified, but several dependence criteria must occur repeatedly as specified by duration qualifiers associated with criteria (e.g., “persistent,” “continued”).

Source: Adapted from American Psychiatric Association (APA). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC: APA, 2000.

TL:DR: withdrawl, tolerance, and significant negative impact on family, social, or occupational areas of life. If she is truly a friend, and you are sincerely concerned, talk with her. Don't accuse, just explain your concern and why.

ldrosophila

Um personally I say none of your business doesn't sound like it is affecting her life, and if it is then the only person that can help her is herself.

If you cant handle the drinking because it bothers you then you end the friendship.

If you were my friend and said anything to me it would probably make me angry especially if it's not harming anyone and I enjoy relaxing on my time off.

Oh and I dont think there's enough evidence that mild to moderate drinking while breastfeeding is detrimental especially in the later years.

Cinflo58

If this mother is taking care of children and is drinking at 11 am there is definately a problem. I'd be concerned about the safety of my child while with her. Please keep us posted on the outcome.

Cinflo58

BTW, I would not be friends with most of the posters on this thread.

GadgetGuy2

Its not how much, or even when she drinks that would make her an alcoholic. Its if it has taken over her life.

This is a complex topic.

I suggest you call someone in Alcoholics Anonymous. Discuss it with them (one of their experts, not just one of their members).

If she is adversely affecting her life, an intervention by those she feels closest to might help.

Ultimately, she has to decide to help herself. That happens when the person "bottom's out". That could be before its too late, or never (i.e. the drinking will end up killing her).

Alcohol is a drug. Different folks have different tolerance to it. Everybody's mileage will vary.

Again.....its not how much, or when the drinking occurs, unless it is adversely affecting her (e.g. does she plan her day around drinking, or is it something that happens to occur with other activities).

Be careful. People who are addicted to alcohol can react violently (physically and/or emotionally) to someone trying to help.