Are you a step parent or a step child? Experience?

tiggerhammon

I had my daughter in a previous marriage, which fell apart before she was even born. (Long story short, he didnt want to be a parent.)
My daughter was only 2 when I met my current husband and 3 when we got married. She genuinely thought he was/had always been dad. She never asked, we never said. To clarify, the reason I did this was because, in my mind, I thought it would be better to wait until she understood the difference between a biological parent and a dad. I didnt want to drive a wedge between her and my husband by telling her he is not dad before they even got a chance to build a relationship. So, for several years, she didnt know.
A few months ago, we told her. It has not affected her relationship with my husband in the way he and I feared it would. But, it seems to have affected her relationship with herself. Unfortunately, not long after we told her, she told an extended family member of ours. They had to take it a little too far by also telling her that her biological father is a registered sex offender, what that means, what he did, who he did it to and that he is a threat. I was glad that she understood that he was a threat, because he truly is and I dont want her to think its okay to go anywhere with him if he happens to find her. But, in every other way, it has been terrible that she has gained this "knowledge" of him. She is convinced that because he is her biological father, that he is in some way a part of her (which is somewhat true) that this in some way makes her a bad person.
It has affected her in many other ways though. She seems to be going through a lot of trying to figure out who she is, she asks so many questions and is struggling with image and self esteem. She has NEVER been this way before. She has always been an overly confident child.
She also has this fear now that my husband and I won't stay together. We explained to her what divorce meant and that mom has been divorced. She is so scared that my husband and I will divorce. I seriously mean it is a real fear for her. Any time my husband and I disagree on something, just casually debating and not even arguing, she gets really upset. She freaks out and starts crying and begs us to stop fighting.
I feel that it has totally thrown her out of balance as a person.
Also, to add to the situation, my husband and I are now expecting a second. She is very happy because she loves babies and really wants to be a big sister but it is also upsetting her. She says she is scared the baby is going to come and we are going to stop paying attention to her. She really thinks she only has 7 more months left before she gets "replaced." This has been causing her to act out at school. Her teacher says suddenly, out of the blue, my daughter starts doing everything she can to get attention - good or bad she doesn't care - but is constantly seeking, fishing for and demanding attention.
She is also concerned her dad is going to feel differently about this baby, because it is his baby and she isn't. I am not putting any words in my daughter's mouth here, these are things she has told me. No matter how much I try to tell her and my husband tries to tell her that things aren't going to be the way she fears they will, she isn't convinced. She says she will have to "wait and see."
I really have tried dealing with this the best I can and do what I can to reassure her.
My question is: is all of this normal? For those of you that are step parents and chose to wait to tell your children, did they take it hard at all? For those of you that are step children and remember your parents telling you that you were adopted or that one was not your parent, how did you react? For those of you that have had children with a large age gap, when one child had been the 'baby' for many years and then suddenly another comes along, did they freak out about not being the baby anymore?

My daughter is now 7 years old. She will be 8 by the time the baby arrives. She has known about the biological father since about July. She and my husband do have a good strong relationship now and she knows he loves her, she doesn't doubt that at all.

edited for typos

epiphany29

I am not a step child, nor parent. I have seen adopted children have issues when they were told however. I don't think this forum is really the best place to get advice from. I would recommend that you have your daughter talk to a therapist who deals with children's issues. It may require some family counseling as well.

I wish you the best of everything with your growing family. It is obvious that you care deeply for your family. I hope that with some counseling your daughter will be able to see that she is a great little girl and so lucky to be loved by you so much.

Pip

SlimJanette

I am sorry to hear that your daughter has to go through that. I have been a step child and a step mother. It is great that she has a good relationship with her step father. I am wonder if some counselling would be in order to help her along. Once they hit teenager stage it is more difficult for them to express their feelings or she may have supressed them so long that it does worse. I hope all goes well with this situation and with the new baby. Make sure that you have her help out with the baby and I think that spending a day a week with just you and her would help out. Even just going for a walk or getting your nails done etc. Make her feel like she is still important to you. (please don't take that in the wrong way). Good Luck!

linzchapates

I can relate from both sides of this, I am a step child and I have a daughter from a previous relationship.

The feeling "replaced" thing? TOTALLY NORMAL! Even though you're not replacing her, you're diverting your total attention from her to another person, it's not possible to give her the same amount of your time as before. BUT, she will come around eventually.

As for her identity crisis...She is still very young, we spend our whole adolescence trying to grow up as fast as we can. We are impressionable and we are sensitive. Be supportive and provide positive reinforcement to her and let her know that where we come from is not who we are. We can be anyone and anything we want to be.

Sharonks

I am so sorry this has happened. While I am a step-parent, my step-kids and my own kids were all old enough they knew their step-parent was not their bio.

My suggestion is you seek out a counselor, particularly one who has experience with step or adoption situations. I have a friend who chose this field since she had adopted about 10 kids and knew how difficult the adjustment can be. You don't want your daughter to continue to feel this way. It can lead to all sorts of problems in school and low self-esteem can be hard to get rid of once it sets in.

It is great that she has been able to talk to you about how she feels but a neutral third party might help what you tell her to stick.

Having another child causes some struggle even when there is nothing else going on. The oldest will get jealous and may even revert to some younger behavior in an effort to be like the baby. This kind of stuff is really normal but adding in her struggle with all the other stuff may make the adjustment more difficult.

teerae326

This may not answer your question, but here's my two cents. My daughter is 6 and her bio father has not been in her life for several years, as he also did not want children. I've been with my boyfriend now for 4 years and he has always been a father to her. At one point, her bio father came around and it changed her behavior. She understood that my boyfriend wasn't her dad and it made her sad. She started acting out, too. Now, she's okay. I've learned through the years that children are resilient. She now accepts that maybe her real dad isn't around but she has two parents that love her very much and would give the world for her. I'm thinking your sweet little girl will figure it out as well. Best of luck to you!

jenn26point2

I am a stepdaughter to two stepparents. I have a stepmom and a stepdad. My stepdad and I didn't have a very good relationship (we were both stubborn so we butted heads a LOT) but it has improved since I've become an adult. My stepmom and I are closer to mom and daughter than my mom and I are. We do a lot together. I'm not sure how my experience with being a stepdaughter is going to help b/c I knew my parents were divorced, I was there and present while they were dating other people. I new my stepparents weren't my 'real' parents...

However, I would advise you seek counselling for your daughter. She needs to have a neutral person she can talk to, discuss her fears, and have someone from the outside who can reduce her fears without coddling her. It's obvious this has rocked her and will continue to rock her until she gets those demons out of her head (obviously, by demons, I mean irrational fears).

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I'd suggest some family counseling.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

You probably do not have all of the skills necessary to assit her in working out her thoughts and rationalizations, I would suggest that you seek professional help.

1) You have a child who is a all of a sudden a step child, time will help with that, the proof is in the pudding.
2) You have a child who has a crap parent and is worried that they are a product of that crap parent, adults struggle with this much less children.
3) You are adding to a blended family, making the step child a little insecure, this is pretty normal.

seltzermint555

WOW! Your daughter sounds like such an intelligent and perceptive child!! I was reading through all of that and thinking she was at least in her early teens!

I think if it is at all possible, you should consider counseling for your daughter. Not because she's been mistreated in any way, or anything like that. But she clearly has some issues that I believe an outsider could help her with, especially regarding her biological father. As much as you love her and do your best and so forth, I just think some of that damage however slight could really affect this child and it would be to her benefit to see someone. Deep breath...I know not everyone is a fan of therapy and it can be expensive etc. I'm not saying "oh your family's a big mess blah blah"...it does not sound that way! Just an outsider's perspective.

As for the new baby's arrival...take this opportunity to prove your daughter wrong ;-) Always make a point of showing her that she's your first love. I don't mean better than the baby! But important and cherished. I'm not a parent myself but I have witnessed many friends and family members going through this and it seems like the parents (especially the non-biological and/or stepparent) can really set the tone to make it a great situation or not-so-hot. The best situations always seem to make a big fuss over both/all children rather than making it clear "Jack is our child TOGETHER and Macie is from before..." I cringe when I actually hear people comment in such a way!

I was a stepchild, but it was a very different situation. There was never any news to be broken to me. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old and both immediately remarried. My mom married an alcoholic wacko who was abusive to her and I chose to live with my father and stepmother. My stepmother had a daughter who was 21, newlywed, and pregnant. Her daughter had been an extremely docile, passive & "good" child raised in a religious household. While my own parents also attended church, they raised me to be much more assertive, freethinking, and I was allowed to be quite hyper and mature for my age. So my stepmom was shocked and often even offended by my statements and behavior. We butted heads at times, but now in my mid thirties I think the woman was a saint! She really stepped back and allowed my father to parent me, while also being kind and supportive. She set a very good example for me in many ways.

My best to you and your family!!

hbrittingham

I am a step child and my son is a step child. I knew from the beginning, as did my son, that our "dads" were step dads. It didn't really make a difference for me because even though my dad wasn't my biological dad, he's been there and with my mom since she was pregnant with me, so he was my dad.

My son had the misfortune of having his biological dad in his life just enough to truly screw him up. My current husband has been in his life since he was 2 1/2. He's 25 now and recently told me that he thinks of my current husband as his father since he was the only real father figure he had in his life (his bio dad was a total flake).

I do think family counseling is in order before things get even more out of hand with her. My son developed some serious anxiety issues due to his bio dad calling and saying he was coming over and then not showing up, or showing up 2 hours late, along with many other ways that he was abandoned emotionally by him. Counseling did help him a lot, though there were some real ups and downs.

missomgitsica

I think 7 was way, way, way, WAY too young to be telling her any of this. I would have waited until at least 13. And whoever your extended family member is who told her all about what a sex offender is, cut them out of your life now and for good. Anyone who would tell that crap to a 7 year old absolutely shouldn't be in her life.

BattleTaxi

Thank you for sharing this with us all here. I hope everything will continue to go well for you and your family!

I'd suggest some family counseling.

I was going to suggest counseling as well. I don't think it is a matter of her behavior being abnormal - I would say her response is very 'normal' for her age. But she is still trying to interpret the world around her in the best way she can. If she were my child, or my family, I would definitely look into some counseling just to make sure she doesn't develop any negative/bad habits or ways of thinking from this. A counselor can help her be more confident in herself and her relationships.

Edit to add: I do think it is extremely inappropriate to explain to a child what a sex offender is. I would likely have a very stern conversation with my family if someone spoke to my kid about something like that. I don't want to impose or anything though, I am sure you said something, too!

Saree1902

I'm both a stepdaughter and a stepmum, but I don't think my experiences will help as I met my stepkids when they were 5&6 and my dad remarried when I was 26!

Maybe talk to your daughter about how she can help when the baby arrives? Say that it will be a big help for her to e.g. pass nappies, get you a drink whilst you're feeding the baby, fill the bath... If she feels that she's helping and contributing she might have fewer fears of being pushed out.

I agree that some counselling is needed to deal with the issues regarding her biological dad...

tiggerhammon

I received a pm from one person and after what they said, plus a couple comments written here I wanted to add a few missing details.

My daughter started seeing the school councelor, just for someone/an adult to talk to besides me. I think it has been good for her to have her feeling validated by someone except her mother. She know I love her and care about her, but also doesn't automatically accept my opinions on everything. She wanted another opinion.

I have been spending extra quality time with my daughter. Besides when she is at school she is always with me but in the last few weeks I have been doing extra special things with her - outings that she likes to call 'mommy/daughter dates' and some spontanious little trips.

My husband has been spending very very little time with her lately. He has been working out of town and is only home on Sundays. He spends as much of that day with her as he can but a lot of it is spent doing his laundry and grocery shopping because it is the only day they have to do it. She has just started to enjoy helping with laundry and going shopping with dad.

ldrosophila

I think 7 was way, way, way, WAY too young to be telling her any of this. I would have waited until at least 13. And whoever your extended family member is who told her all about what a sex offender is, cut them out of your life now and for good. Anyone who would tell that crap to a 7 year old absolutely shouldn't be in her life.

thats what I was thinking

odusgolp

7... just... wow.

*tiptoes out*

SoDamnHungry

I hope you never talk to that extended family member again. Who tells a 7-year-old their father is a sex offender and then explains what it is and precisely what he did? What an *kitten*.

themommie

I am glad to hear she is seeing a counselor I had step parents, several infact, I am astep mom a biological mom an adoptive mom and a grandma. I think what she is experiecing is normal but the more she deals with it now before the teen years the better she will feel about herself and the less issues she will have later. Good luck mom I hope it all works out.it is good that she is talking to you about how she feels and not just holding it in....hugs

JingleMuffin

the counseling should help.

And just to note- when a new child arrives in any situation there is a possibility that they could feel that the baby gets more attention from the parents than they will.

That's why special one on one time is carved out for the older sibling with both mom and dad.

fullerbrickroad

I hope you never talk to that extended family member again. Who tells a 7-year-old their father is a sex offender and then explains what it is and precisely what he did? What an *kitten*.

This is what I was thinking.

tiggerhammon

WOW! Your daughter sounds like such an intelligent and perceptive child!!

Yes, she is! She is very bright and has always been very articulate. Speech came REALLY early for her. She said her first word before she sat up, put two and three words together about the time she crawled and was trying to construct sentences about the time she walked (1yr old.) She is very expressive, her holding her emotions in and not talking about them is not a concern of mine. I have always encouraged her to talk me and told her she can talk to me about anything and she does not hold back. As her teacher said "with her if it is in the brain, it is out the mouth." She expresses exactly what she thinks and feels and sorting through and trying to understand her emotions is something she regularly does, even if she is alone. She asks tons of questions and tells me when she thinks she has something figured out. She really thinks beyond in the moment, she is always concerned about the future. She told me yesterday "I have been really thinking if this baby is a girl, I dont want them to be in their own room. Mom and Dad share a room and I am always in my room alone, I would like her to sleep with me. BUT! I thought about this and I also decided she can't stay in there forever cause when I am 13, I will be a teenager and I won't want her in there anymore."

She has been visiting with the school counselor on a regular basis. She is doing so good with school that the counselor doesn't feel like an hour here and there out of her classes will hurt her at all and having the time to talk to someone will help a lot. (My daughter is in 2nd grade and is just getting into 6th grade reading level books and is starting in 4th grade math.) I have spoken with the counselor several times and we have both decided that just this option is best for now. My daughter really just needs someone else to talk to, there is nothing wrong with her and I dont want to make her feel as if there is. The counselor says at this point she really feels like my daughter is a normal, very intelligent child and there is no big reason she sees to be concerned and, if in their future talks, she hears/notices anything that changes her mind she will let me know right away and will refer me to someone good.

seltzermint555

WOW! Your daughter sounds like such an intelligent and perceptive child!!

Yes, she is! She is very bright and has always been very articulate. Speech came REALLY early for her. She said her first word before she sat up, put two and three words together about the time she crawled and was trying to construct sentences about the time she walked (1yr old.) She is very expressive, her holding her emotions in and not talking about them is not a concern of mine. I have always encouraged her to talk me and told her she can talk to me about anything and she does not hold back. As her teacher said "with her if it is in the brain, it is out the mouth." She expresses exactly what she thinks and feels and sorting through and trying to understand her emotions is something she regularly does, even if she is alone. She asks tons of questions and tells me when she thinks she has something figured out. She really thinks beyond in the moment, she is always concerned about the future. She told me yesterday "I have been really thinking if this baby is a girl, I dont want them to be in their own room. Mom and Dad share a room and I am always in my room alone, I would like her to sleep with me. BUT! I thought about this and I also decided she can't stay in there forever cause when I am 13, I will be a teenager and I won't want her in there anymore."

She has been visiting with the school counselor on a regular basis. She is doing so good with school that the counselor doesn't feel like an hour here and there out of her classes will hurt her at all and having the time to talk to someone will help a lot. (My daughter is in 2nd grade and is just getting into 6th grade reading level books and is starting in 4th grade math.) I have spoken with the counselor several times and we have both decided that just this option is best for now. My daughter really just needs someone else to talk to, there is nothing wrong with her and I dont want to make her feel as if there is. The counselor says at this point she really feels like my daughter is a normal, very intelligent child and there is no big reason she sees to be concerned and, if in their future talks, she hears/notices anything that changes her mind she will let me know right away and will refer me to someone good.

You sound like you're completely on this. Good for you, mom!!

tiggerhammon

I think 7 was way, way, way, WAY too young to be telling her any of this. I would have waited until at least 13. And whoever your extended family member is who told her all about what a sex offender is, cut them out of your life now and for good. Anyone who would tell that crap to a 7 year old absolutely shouldn't be in her life.

I really thought I would get at least one person feeling this way. I have always felt it should be one extreme or the other. Either A: you tell them right from the get go, so it is something that they always just knew and it isn't a big deal or B: you wait.
If I could go back and do it differently I would have told her sooner but not later. I especially can't understand how someone would want to wait until their child is an adult and after the child has already gone through all the 'figuring out who they are' and then suddenly get hit with a 'nope, you had it all wrong all along.'
It is apparent to me now, that if my child is going to go through an identity crisis either way, I would rather her go through it as young as possible, before she thinks she has it all figured out.
The person that told my daughter that is a prime example of yet another reason why I wouldn't have put off telling my daughter any longer. I was afraid that the longer I put it off, the higher chance someone else would tell her besides me and I did NOT want my child hearing it from anyone else. This person (difficult to explain but basically an extended relative of mine and a friend of the exhusband's) is exactlt what I was afraid of happening. I am sure if this person would have gotten the chance sooner, he would have told my daughter everything and I am glad I had already told her about the ex or I am sure she would have been y upset about hearing it from someone else.
This person is someone I have always avoided, even as a child. I knew he was a spiteful person that was capable of doing awful things. My daughter had never seen him once before then and, I pray, never will again. I have always disliked and stayed far away from him. The person I am 'newly' angry at is my sister - whom was watching my child and was responsible for her at the time. I do not understand why she ever even let this man in her house, let alone let her talk to my child. Yes, my sister has been informed of our mistrust for her and that she will never be allowed to babysit again.

tiggerhammon

I appreciate everyone's opinions! I really do. You all have very valid points.
My question was, more than anything, if anyone had experienced even somewhat similar issues (the age gap and new baby, the step parent, etc) and what their experiences were.
But, I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts on the entire matter. I understand that it is a truly 'sad and messed up' situation and I am doing the best I can. But the last thing I want to do is make my daughter feel any worse or alienated than she already does. I do not want to do or say anything that makes her think there is something wrong with her. There isn't.
I know that I am responsible for the way this child turns out and while I cannot erase unfortunate events that should have been avoided, I must deal with them responsibly because I am still responsible for them happening.
I guess I was just hoping for the comments like "yes, it's normal for her to be jealous of the baby and everything will be fine." "Yes, the identity crisis is normal, everything will be fine."
I don't expect anyone to think, nor do I believe, the sex offender part is fine but was open to any and all opinions on that matter.

MommaChocoLatte

My oldest son is my husbands from a previous relationship. We took custody of him when he was about 9 months old and he has been in our care ever since. He has known that I am not his biological mother from a very early age but he also has always known that I am his Mom. His bio-mom is... well, let's just say she is less than unfit.

We waited to give him the details on how he came to be in our care until we felt he was mature enough to handle it... he was in his mid-teens. He has some emotional problems (he is 19 now) but he is in a much better place than he ever could have been had we not fought for him like we did.