Do I Need Help?

NerwenAldarion

My name is Jennifer and I think I might have an eating disorder but I'm not sure, I've never been diagnosed but that might be because I keep a lot of it to myself.

I struggled with weight through my childhood and college years with a lot of henpecking from my father about my weight, I considered going anorexic when I was younger but I always dismissed those thoughts as fleeting and not serious.

Things changed over the past year when I failed to get accepted into a grad school. The stress of applying nearly crippled me and several times I had panic attacks that could lead to me vomiting, I did not force myself to throw up but rather it was a side affect to my anxiety. When I was not accepted I got rather depressed and tried to hide it for a while, that was the first time I started reducing what I ate. It wasn't conscious but me not feeling hungry, just sad and upset.

Over the summer I started preparing myself for reapplying which accelerated everything. I started eating only one small meal a day because I was so worked up cramming for the GRE, contacting professors, researching schools etc. When I wasn't at home studying I was at work thinking of everything I needed to do and hadn't done, I would work myself up to more panic attacks which often times led to me getting sick again.

My family didn't know about my problem with anxiety, they just saw I was losing weight and thought I was doing something great for me. As my anxiety grew worse and I started lashing out my mom and sister sent me to a family doctor to get some anxiety medication. While that has helped stabalize my moods I'm still struggling with that but now I'm concerned about other things.

I joined MFP because with everything that has happened I'm grasping at the one thing I can control and succeed at: losing weight. It became a conscious choice for me to only eat one meal a day after a while because I didn't want to get fat again and I wanted my family to be proud of me in some way if I didn't get into Grad school and my weight seemed to work. I rapidly lost a ton of weight about 50 pounds in only a couple of months. and I still don't feel like it is enough. I'm under my goal weight of 125, still safe in the normal weight range at 118 but what isn't normal is my mind because I do not believe it is enough.

I eat fewer than 900 calories a day. It's a conscious choice because I don't want to gain anymore weight. Some days it's as low as 300 calories. Most days it hovers between 500 and 750 calories a day. My doctor has thrown around terms like "starvation mode" and my mom and sister actively push for me to eat more but mostly I try and ignore their advice or "cheat" by only eating a tiny bit at each meal so I can tell them I'm eating and hide how little I actually am.

I did some research but I don't seem to fit into any category. I'm not bullemic since I never consciously forced myself to throw up, I'm not anorexic because I am actually eating but I also recognize that I have a very unhealthy habit but I can't break it.

My questions are this:

Do I actually have an eating disorder?

How do I seek help?

Does anyone have advice over talking to family about this?

What should I do to try and break these cycles if they are actually unhealthy?

Thank you.

silverraiyne

I think you should seek professional help. You clearly recognize that you have a problem.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

Lrdoflamancha

I think you should seek professional help. You clearly recognize that you have a problem.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

I agree and if I might add.... Do it now... As in today.

catholiclorimom

well everyone needs help--other wise we wouldn't be on sites like myfitnesspal. I think it is a good thing that you are tracking what you are eating every day. I would recommend a visit with a dietician, whom I am sure would recommend that you eat a more balanced, healthy diet--one that you will not gain weight on, but one that will provide you with more nutrition needed for energy, healing, and balance. Try to work on one thing at a time--too much change too quickly done can lead to a crash and burn effect. Babysteps will lead to success!

NerwenAldarion

I think you should seek professional help. You clearly recognize that you have a problem.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

I agree and if I might add.... Do it now... As in today.

I'm not sure if it is that simple.

I don't have a lot of support from my family in this regard. They support my weight loss completely while my mom and sister simply want to shove food in my mouth to fix the problem. But actually seeking help is another matter.

My dad doesn't support me getting help at all. I had to go to my family doctor in secret. I really try to keep my problems from him because his advice is to just "get over it" and actually told me he was done listening to me complain. He doesn't even know I'm on anxiety medication.

I'm not sure if I can actually get professional help in this regard which is depressing. Is there a way I can do this on my own? It's embarrassing to even be talking here. Especially since I'm not even sure if i have an eating disorder. Is it a disorder if I'm eating too little?


Edit:

I feel like I should add a little more information about my family in this regard.

My father and mother struggle with weight as does my sister. My dad has pushed us on diets since I was in elementary school which did a lot to destroy my self esteem however I did manage to stay mostly happy with who I was all through high school and college. While it always hurt to hear my dad talk to me about how i needed to shape up and constantly asking me what I ate that day, I mostly ignored it.

Now with my recent weight loss my dad is super proud of me, always talking about how great I look and pushing my mom and sister to do the same. While this should make me happy it really doesn't because now I feel like the "measuring stick" my mom and sister are being held up to. He actually called my mom fat the other day which he'd never done before. Now my mom is obsessed with reaching my weight but also determined to get me to gain weight even though I am at a normal size now. My sister just tries to ignore my dad but pushes me to eat too. Sometimes I think they just want me to get fat again so my dad will stop being so mean to them.

sgupstate

It is obviously bad to eat 500 calories a day and I think it is clear that you know that. You also seem to know that after a certain point when you eat too little calories your weight stalls out and your metabolism slows down. You should probably go to some therapy and maybe consider relaxing with the grad school thing until you are more stable. Grad school itself is a million times more stressful than applying to grad school. I never had anxiety until grad school so going into it unstable might not be the best plan.

NerwenAldarion

It is obviously bad to eat 500 calories a day and I think it is clear that you know that. You also seem to know that after a certain point when you eat too little calories your weight stalls out and your metabolism slows down. You should probably go to some therapy and maybe consider relaxing with the grad school thing until you are more stable. Grad school itself is a million times more stressful than applying to grad school. I never had anxiety until grad school so going into it unstable might not be the best plan.

I think not going into grad school would make things worse to be honest. I need to have a master's degree in my current field (anthropology) in order to actually get a career, otherwise I'm basically stuck making minimum wage and living with my parents.

I know Grad School is stressful but all of this started when I didn't get in. I keep thinking my attitude will change if I get accepted, of course I have a hard time believing that i will get in these days but that's probably my own anxiety talking

Pinkranger626

Okay, this may sound a bit blunt or harsh or what have you, but it is meant to be a tough love sort of thing.

First of all, eating disorders are not cut and dry so you can be anorexic and still consume food, just like with other disorders there are different.... let's say shades of the disorder. It's just like people, we're all different, so there isn't one way to be to have an eating disorder.

Second of all, if you're applying to grad school that means you are an adult. As much as it stinks to still have to live at home with mom and dad while you try to make sense of your life (believe me, I'm 26 and just finally managed to move out and find a full time job... it's tough out there right now), you are still an adult and you should take charge of your own health and mental wellbeing. It's hard when you don't have the support of your family, but from what you describe, they've all got their own issues. The fact that your dad has had issues with weight and has forced diets on you since elementary school... of course he's not going to be supportive of you getting help! That would mean that he may need help, since he taught you about food and nutrition.

Lastly, this is your LIFE... not just a phase, and not something that grad school, or a better job, or getting your own place will fix. You've figured out that you have a problem, and it's obviously affecting your day to day life or you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers online for advice. You are an adult, and only you can take care of you... period. If you don't take care of something that is really only affecting you and you rely on other people to do things for you you are going to be sorely disappointed. One thing I've learned as I grew up was that YOU have th power to change, and unless YOU stick up for yourself no one else will. So make an appointment with your doctor, go and see a therapist, and a registered dietician if you need to. And if you don't have a car, take a bus, take a taxi, walk if you need to! But do something and know that you are doing what is right for you... whether your family can see it or not.

One last side note, grad school may be something you have to put on hold until you get your mental and physical health under control. It took me a lot longer to graduate than I had thought, and I had to work two or three crappy part time jobs in between things in order to get some stuff straight, so it happens. As much as it stinks to put your plan on hold, it's not the end of the world. And who knows, maybe you'll find that the path you originally had planned on taking isn't where you're meant to end up (I started out as a special education major... ended up a exercise science major and went back to school for massage therapy after graduating from college)

lindustum

You opened yourself on here. It is a step, a tiny first step. Talking to your family or one member that you trust most, is just another one of these steps. You are intellectually aware of what you do but since you refuse to get help, you are still denying the ill effects on yourself.

I wish you all the best, and that you seek help :flowerforyou:

tigersword

You are anorexic. Average intake for an anorexic is about 800 calories per day. Seek counseling and a doctor.

MyJourney1960

I'm not sure if it is that simple.

I don't have a lot of support from my family in this regard. They support my weight loss completely while my mom and sister simply want to shove food in my mouth to fix the problem. But actually seeking help is another matter.

My dad doesn't support me getting help at all. I had to go to my family doctor in secret. I really try to keep my problems from him because his advice is to just "get over it" and actually told me he was done listening to me complain. He doesn't even know I'm on anxiety medication.

I'm not sure if I can actually get professional help in this regard which is depressing. Is there a way I can do this on my own? It's embarrassing to even be talking here. Especially since I'm not even sure if i have an eating disorder. Is it a disorder if I'm eating too little?


Edit:

I feel like I should add a little more information about my family in this regard.

My father and mother struggle with weight as does my sister. My dad has pushed us on diets since I was in elementary school which did a lot to destroy my self esteem however I did manage to stay mostly happy with who I was all through high school and college. While it always hurt to hear my dad talk to me about how i needed to shape up and constantly asking me what I ate that day, I mostly ignored it.

Now with my recent weight loss my dad is super proud of me, always talking about how great I look and pushing my mom and sister to do the same. While this should make me happy it really doesn't because now I feel like the "measuring stick" my mom and sister are being held up to. He actually called my mom fat the other day which he'd never done before. Now my mom is obsessed with reaching my weight but also determined to get me to gain weight even though I am at a normal size now. My sister just tries to ignore my dad but pushes me to eat too. Sometimes I think they just want me to get fat again so my dad will stop being so mean to them.

you don't need your parent's permission or approval to get help for yourself. I think it's sad that you feel you have to go to the doctor in secret, but you certainly don't have to get their permission to get further help.

I assume that if you are a grad student /college grad, you are over 18 and can make your own decisions about medical help.

and yes, you need professional help, like yesterday. don't try to justify things by saying "well it can't be anorexia because i do eat and it can't be this because i don't fit the exact profile". you are dealing with some kind of eating disorder - doesn't matter what you want to call it - but eating under 500 cals a day, day after day, is not good.

Go now to your doctor and tell them that you have an ED and you need help. you need to find a clinic and a team that can work with you. and make sure that everyone knows that you don't have your family's support because it's important to your success that the medical people know this.

and good luck

jazi719

Your father is a complete *kitten*! I hope he realizes the damage he has caused.

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! I'm sure you have health insurance through your parents, or if you have your own, look up Psychiatrists or Physiologists that are covered in your plan and get help on your own. You do not need your parents consent.

You are anorexic. You will die if you keep this up.

TavistockToad

Okay, this may sound a bit blunt or harsh or what have you, but it is meant to be a tough love sort of thing.

First of all, eating disorders are not cut and dry so you can be anorexic and still consume food, just like with other disorders there are different.... let's say shades of the disorder. It's just like people, we're all different, so there isn't one way to be to have an eating disorder.

Second of all, if you're applying to grad school that means you are an adult. As much as it stinks to still have to live at home with mom and dad while you try to make sense of your life (believe me, I'm 26 and just finally managed to move out and find a full time job... it's tough out there right now), you are still an adult and you should take charge of your own health and mental wellbeing. It's hard when you don't have the support of your family, but from what you describe, they've all got their own issues. The fact that your dad has had issues with weight and has forced diets on you since elementary school... of course he's not going to be supportive of you getting help! That would mean that he may need help, since he taught you about food and nutrition.

Lastly, this is your LIFE... not just a phase, and not something that grad school, or a better job, or getting your own place will fix. You've figured out that you have a problem, and it's obviously affecting your day to day life or you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers online for advice. You are an adult, and only you can take care of you... period. If you don't take care of something that is really only affecting you and you rely on other people to do things for you you are going to be sorely disappointed. One thing I've learned as I grew up was that YOU have th power to change, and unless YOU stick up for yourself no one else will. So make an appointment with your doctor, go and see a therapist, and a registered dietician if you need to. And if you don't have a car, take a bus, take a taxi, walk if you need to! But do something and know that you are doing what is right for you... whether your family can see it or not.

One last side note, grad school may be something you have to put on hold until you get your mental and physical health under control. It took me a lot longer to graduate than I had thought, and I had to work two or three crappy part time jobs in between things in order to get some stuff straight, so it happens. As much as it stinks to put your plan on hold, it's not the end of the world. And who knows, maybe you'll find that the path you originally had planned on taking isn't where you're meant to end up (I started out as a special education major... ended up a exercise science major and went back to school for massage therapy after graduating from college)

this is all great advice