I can't look in the mirror

cobu90

On the outside, my friends and family would see a pretty young woman who wouldn't mind losing some weight but is overall happy and comfortable in her skin and is a generally happy person... they would all be wrong. I recently finished college and moved home for financial reasons. I have always struggled with my weight and fought to lose some all through college, although usually not in the healthiest ways. I'd eat a piece of fruit or cheese or whatever for breakfast and a bowl of cereal for supper then exercise in the free gym to my hearts content. Basically, I was starving myself, and it was working. I could get away with it because no one was around to notice it and if my friends said something I'd just say I had a large lunch. Since moving home, my family eats together every night so I am unable to skip meals under the watchful eyes of parents. In addition, I can't/don't cook so I feel I have a lack of control over my meals. I'm always hearing how much I need to lose weight and people don't seem to understand the painful gashes it leaves in me. Lastly, I am unemployed and cannot afford a gym and drown my emotions in food. I have tried countless times to reign it in, even going as far as abusing laxatives. I have hit an all time low. I can no longer face myself in the mirror or on the scale. I am so ashamed of the ugly person I have become and the disgrace of my weight that I don't want to see myself on a daily basis. I'm tired of being fat but I'm afraid I don't know how to regain control of my life.

Madame_Goldbricker

First off congrats on finishing up at college! It sounds like your attitude to food has gone a bit skewed. Maybe if you can talk to a counsellor about this it may be beneficial for you.
Failing that why don't/ cant you cook? Is this due to your parents not allowing you to in the family home? Or because you don't know how to? I can understand about the financial constraints regarding the gym, but walking is FREE :bigsmile: Same goes for body weight exercise programmes on the net. MFP is a great way to figure out where to start on your nutritional/ calorific needs.

1a1a

Whatever you do diet and lifestyle-wise, your post makes me feel you need to work on body acceptance ASAP. It's hard to know without knowing your stats or seeing a picture but what you write makes me wonder if you might be affected by body dismorphia (and even if not, even if you are a little or a lot over weight and could stand to lose a few, self loathing does not need to be thrown into the mix, better off challenging yourself to do a moderate amount of exercise and eating a healthy amount of calories, preferably lots of veg and clean proteins/carbs etc).

You might find this interesting http://www.mybodygallery.com/ You can find other women your height and weight and see what they look like. There's stories too, most of them are very very sad. Seems not many women like their bodies at all, don't go through life like that.

You're welcome to add me if you like to do the mutual supporting thing. :-)