Helping my 12 year old daughter...

mnardi123

So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?

Littlestandrews

I don't really have any suggestions other than to say tread carefully and good luck. My middle sister was always overweight while myself and our youngest sister were always thinner (growing up at least). My mom started pushing her to diet and be healthy and she ended up becoming Anorexic. I am NOT saying that will happen to your daughter at all...but you have to tread so carefully because she is feeling singled out (just like my sister did) and you don't want her to take it to the extreme! I know that my sister felt like she had to be thinner than all of us or she wasn't good enough! Make sure your daughter knows that her value isn't related to her weight.

You're a good mom for making sure your kiddos stay healthy!:)

julianadelbosque

Make a diet change for the family. Make healthy foods for family meals and then encourage your daughter to start exercising with some sort of sport. Don't forbid any food. I was a chubby kid and wish that my parents had encouraged healthy choices. If it's something you do for the whole family, it won't single her out.

LoraF83

I would just (very gently) educate about making healthy choices. And this should extend to her sisters as well - whether they need it or not. The whole family can be healthy and you shouldn't single out your 12 year old.

Offer healthy treats the majority of the time. Have them cook with you and take them grocery shopping. Focus on exercising as a family.

But I absolutely would not discuss calories or metabolism or any of that. And don't single her out for this, please. It's unfair and it will cause problems.

TheFangsKittie

Give her information about healthy eating and put her in control. Allow her to choose the fruits and veggies that go into her lunch..so she is eating healthy things she likes whilst you choose the treat. Get smaller sized treats too so she is still getting one but less of it. Make healthier treats like dark chocolate covered fruits. Get more active with her. Take a walk support her in sports by going to watch etc.

it must be really distressing to see her so upset.

Find non food treats too. Like painting nails if you will allow it, doing face packs, choosing a film and so on.

Most of all she is still a child and still changing. She may grow into her puppy fat.

Flab2fitfi

Maybe you could spend some time together doing so sport. Use it as an excuse to spend some one to one time. My 14 year old comes running with me a few nights a week.

Also look at what everyone is eating and maybe swap some of the snacks for healthier options.

elsyoommen

I am a mother of 4. I agree you should not single out the chubby kid for nutrition and exercise. All your kids need that - this includes the lunch planning and 20 minutes of exercise in the morning. These are life skills and healthy habits they can all benefit from. The whole family needs that.

CrystalDreams

id say only keep healthy choices in the house. i was always the fat sister, and there were healthy choices, but there was also chips, ice cream, candy bars, ect. If my only choice had been between which piece of fruit to eat, things may have been different. Also have her help you make meals, if you can. eggplant parmigiana can easily be made healthy with low salt or low fat ingredients. plus you can hide vegetables in the sauce mwahaha!

hope this helps, and good luck

JoelleAnn78

Being a parent is so hard.

I was an overweight child and wish my mother had made better food choices for us as a family, but I am grateful she never made a huge deal about me being fat. Looking back now, I have memories of family members trying to gently approach my weight, and ALL those memories are negative. I never once said I didn't like myself... that may have opened the door, but I was happy with me and it felt like they were NOT happy with me.

If your daughter has opened the door, maybe a gentle "You said yesterday you didn't like yourself. What don't you like?" If she mentions that she is unhappy having a belly, or she feels overweight I might try saying, "We can all try to be healthier as a family. Do you want to help me think of some healthy meals or activities?" I would not single her out as the one who needs it. This is SO hurtful to little self esteems that are so fragile. If she doesn't mention her weight or health at all and has other things that she doesn't like about herself........ address those. If you are still concerned that she may be overweight you can try to start changing meals or activities for the whole family. Or, make it a game that she whole family participates in --- submitting meal ideas or exercises for everyone to try and do. Everyone will benefit and no one will feel singled out.

I do not envy your situation. My husband and I were both overweight children and both were bullied terribly. We both neared 400 pounds in our adult lives and, now, as healthy weight adults with a toddler, we talk constantly about how to instill healthy habits and lifestyle in his when he is older.

Best of luck. You are clearly a good, caring, loving mom for trying to approach your daughter in a nonhurtful, judgemental way.

XmasInJuly16

Hi there! I was the chubby one growing up and my sister was very athletic. To this day i still remember exactly how i felt as well as every single comment or conversation my parents had about my "weight". I would like to offer a broad suggestion - I was never taught to view my body as strong or even acceptable - i was taught to hate it. PLEASE don't teach your daughter this. I learned about calories, not health or wellness, which as i've grown older i know matter so much more. Teach her what health is and how it's not tied to weight alone. I became a number on a scale, not a daugther. I also physically matured pretty quickly (seriously, i remember waking up with a size C chest one day when i was 12!!!) and my parents never talked to me about that, which made the transition into womanhood even harder - i already hated my body and now i was starting to look even more different from everyone else. If i could go back and change anything it would be a hearing a steady stream of "i love you's" and "you got this" and "this is about your health, not your body". Most importantly - like some others mentioned - it was not a family affair. I was eating food i hated or handed half-servings while my family ate whatever they wanted around me. Exercise was also not something we did much of growing up unless we were in a sport - lead by example!!!! We remember that as much as we remember your words.
I hope this helps a bit.

Gkfrkv

Make it into a family thing, eating a little healthier and making good choices without making it the focus f what your doing. Try getting your daughters to help in food prep, if they like it and make good and healthy snacks.

vampirequeen1959

My daughter was in a similar situation. She saw the pediatric dietitian at our local hospital who said the trick as that age was not to lose weight but maintain it and grow into it. This way she could eat a healthy diet but not feel totally denied foods that she really liked.

I would also suggest that all the family eat this way and exercise together. How about a regular family walk or cycle ride? It won't harm the rest of the family to limit their sugar intake or to take more exercise.

knittnponder

I have four kids that vary in body shape, weight and size. I agree with the others that it's important NOT to single one out or make them your diet buddy. Encourage all of the kids to eat healthy food and watch portion sizes. In my house we have a kitchen scale and everyone uses it. We're not obsessive about it but I have found it very helpful for all of the family. If they ask how much of something they can have all I have to do is say, "whatever the portion size on the package is" then they weigh it out. I bought it for baking but it's sure become an integral part of our kitchen! They don't devour everything in the house in one day because they have specific portion sizes for anything packaged (peanut butter, tortilla chips, cocoa, etc.) Fresh foods they just eat the whole piece of fruit or whatever. We don't have a lot of junk in the house to begin with so that helps too.

As for exercise, finding things she enjoys doing and again, not singling her out. Even if the other kids are skinny now, later they might not be if they don't learn good habits when they're young. We do lots of family bike rides, hikes, swimming and other active stuff that includes everyone. And I encourage all my kids to be active and get some exercise.

Stage14

Ditto others. Don't single out your one overweight daughter and don't focus on scale weight (or losing it) at 12 years old. Get the whole family in on the game of health and nutrition, have everyone exercise and plan meals, etc.

lsmsrbls

Why on earth should she have to watch what she eats when her sisters don't? Surely you want all the children to learn good nutrition and have a healthy relationship with food.

Mcgrawhaha

JUST DONT BUY A BUNCH OF CRAP. keep better choices in the house, then no matter what choice she makes, its a good one! for example, I have 5 kids... 3 who are super skinny, and 2 with "baby fat"... I buy a lot of yogurt, yogurt covered raisins, yogurt covered pretzels, fiber one brownies, and lots of veggies with dips. my kids love peeling a cucumber, slicing it up, and covering it with salt, pepper, tapatio and lemon / lime juice. carrots or broccoli with low cal ranch... teach her how to make sweet potatoe chips (baked)... mine love those, then top with turkey pepparoni or hummus... baked onion rings, YUM! if there are not a bunch of crappy choices in the house, she wont feel like she is missing out on anything...

avskk

Wow. Please don't replace affection (snuggling) with weight loss (exercise). Get the whole family healthier, don't single anyone out, and in case you didn't follow me the first time: do NOT remove affection and replace it with weight loss efforts. Jesus.

cadaverousbones

Make healthy changes for EVERYONE in the family, not just her so she doesn't feel singled out. Make healthy meals for everyone and teach everyone healthy choices. Maybe everyone can go for a walk after dinner or go hiking/swimming/etc. I understand older children may want to do their own thing.. All you can really do is teach her the importance of health and exercise. Also she is only 12 so she may have a growth spirt and slim out.

Siansonea

Some good suggestions here.

Remember, her emotional well-being is paramount here. She's clearly not at a point where her weight constitutes a health risk of any kind, so prioritize her emotional well-being above all. Don't create anxiety about her weight, that will stay with her for the rest of her life, and you don't want that. It's simple, really. Teach her how to make some simple substitutions in the things she eats, and if she drinks any sugary soda beverages, remove them from your house completely, and replace them with beverages that are low in calories and higher in nutrients, like Vitamin Water Zero or something. Teaching her not to drink her calories ought to go a long way toward wiping out the "few extra pounds" she currently has.

It's also important to teach her that there's nothing inherently wrong with having "a few extra pounds". Your self-worth shouldn't be solely tied to your weight/appearance.

seltzermint555

Wow. Please don't replace affection (snuggling) with weight loss (exercise). Get the whole family healthier, don't single anyone out, and in case you didn't follow me the first time: do NOT remove affection and replace it with weight loss efforts. Jesus.

EXACTLY what I was thinking. This. Yes. So much yes.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

Ditto others. Don't single out your one overweight daughter and don't focus on scale weight (or losing it) at 12 years old. Get the whole family in on the game of health and nutrition, have everyone exercise and plan meals, etc.

This. Really. Just try to get everyone to be more "healthy". No "diets", no "weight loss". Have her talk to the counselor at school about the not liking herself comment.

nm212

Everyone's advice is good but like they say, be careful on how you approach the topic with her. I also grew up with an older sister that was stick skinny and never had to watch her weight, while I was the chubby one. My Mom and her always made comments at the dinner table on how much I was eating and "am I STILL hungry?". It eroded my self-esteem for a LONG time. I grew up in Florida and was embarrassed to wear a bathing suit at 9 years old. How horrible is that? I was a kid and should have been having fun with my friends at pool parties but instead I hid under large t-shirts and very low self-esteem.

It wasn't until my Mom and Sister had a different approach that I learned to take better care of my body. My sister actually reached out to me and told me her struggles with body image. This helped because I always thought she had it "easy" and life was "unfair". I could relate to her more and her support really helped , as well as my Mom's. When they BOTH said they need to watch what they eat and we ALL started eating more healthy, that's when I started to get a little confidence back and actually wanted to help myself look and feel better. My mother educated me on healthy foods and my sister also would check in on me and we did weight watchers for a while together. She was positive and fun about it with food ideas etc...

I think it's great if not only you give your daughter support, but also her siblings. If they can reach out to her, it makes even more of an impact because she can relate to them more and release any jealous or angry feelings she might have (which is natural).

Good luck though. I'm sure your daughter will learn to love herself more and want to eat healthier food with your love and support.

srslybritt

All I can say is, you cannot single her out. If she has to "watch what she eats" and eat in a health-conscious way, her sisters should have to, too. It's not a matter of what her sisters' bodies can handle, but it should be a house rule if you have a child that needs to watch their intake. If you allow your other children to eat junk and force celery sticks on your daughter, it could have catastrophic results on her self esteem.
Make sure she knows you're doing it for her well being, not because you're picking on her, that you think she's ugly, or anything like that.
Make sure your whole family is making good choices and reinforce her with positive language. Like I said, it's very important to make sure that you don't make her feel like "the fat kid" which could result in emotional or mental problems as a teen and young adult.
Good luck, tread lightly, and be as kind as possible.

ETA: Also, remember she's still growing. If she hasn't hit puberty yet, don't worry too much about a little excess pudge, because you never know, she could sprout another 6-8" in the next year.

sillygoosie

12 is a rough, rough age. She's about to go through puberty and her body is changing regardless of whether or not she may have a little extra weight (which is TOTALLY normal at 12!!). Focus on her self image right now. It can only get worse from here. Like every one else has said, do not single her out and make it a family thing. Shower her with love and tell her what a wonderful person she is.

I have an almost 12 year old, and seeing what every girl that age is going through just breaks my heart. We all went through it and they will too, probably worse than we did. It's normal but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Chain_Ring

man, *kitten* that. Bad idea to hone in on her alone. Make it a family affair, everyone eats good foods and everyone gets to play whatever sport they want.

WendyTerry420

At her age, I would stick to just adding the exercise. Wait a few months and see how much that helps.

KatAdele

I have a 12 year old daughter who also takes after my body type and is overweight. She's only 4'10" which doesn't help and she's already developed so I don't know that she will get much taller. It's hard because my other two children are stick thin and taller. We just try to preach nutrition and health to all of them and I am making a concerted effort not to buy the junk I was buying before. We are also having all of them pay attention to portion size and balanced diet. We never say anything about her being overweight although she will sometimes bring it up. It is hard to see that she's going to have this battle though.

mnardi123

Let me clarify something. My kids have more than one snuggle time with me. All three of my kids are very snuggle inclined because that's the way we are as a family. I was just trying to get the workout over with so we could concentrate on the rest of our day which include a snuggle at 8:30 - 8:45 am before I take her to the bus and I head out to work.

JeniferEverx3

In my opinion, I would actually see this as a blessing in disguise. I was super skinny from toddler-age through high school. My family would tell me it wouldn't last forever and when I got older my metabolism would slow down and I'd put on weight. I didn't believe them. Weighing 98lbs from 8th grade until after I graduated I seriously thought it was impossible for me to gain weight. After I graduated I started taking birth control and I gained 25 lbs over a very short period of time. Although I attribute it to the pills, my metabolism has slowed down and my previous eating habits plus drinking alcohol when I was of age (and a little before I was of age) also affected my weight. I gained 90% of my weight in my belly. Since your daughter is already seeing the results of her eating habits and is unhappy, I think she could be easy to motivate into a healthier lifestyle. But when you address it, do so in private, and don't make the conversation about weight gain or appearance. Explain to her what eating healthy and being active does for all people of all ages and sizes. Explain to her that as people age things start to slow down and the body changes, and the best way to take care of your body is to eat healthy and exercise - the sooner you start the better. She may enjoy the healthier food and activity. You can also tell her if SHE is concerned about her weight/appearance, this will make that better too. I would also offer to do things with her like look up recipes and make them together, find something active you both can do for fun like go to your local rec center and play tennis or walk the dog(s) if you have dogs. I wish that as a teenager I would have had something other than people just TELLING me I would gain weight to encourage me to eat healthier and be more active - I would definitely go back and change that if I could. In fact, my younger sister was chubby her whole child/teenhood and now she weighs a little less than I do but all her weight is proportioned and she has an hourglass figure. I wouldn't say I am fat, but all my weight is in my belly and I look perpetually pregnant and have to struggle to find/wear clothes that hide it.

AlongCame_Molly

A question for you, OP-- How do you view your own body? Do you complain within earshot of your daughter that you need to lose weight, or say things like "gross, look at my big butt" or comment on how thin and beautiful a certain person is and how you wish you could look like that? That can be damaging for your daughter to hear. My mom did it all the time, without ever realizing I was listening and learning from her how "important" thinness and perfect bodies apparently were. I'm still trying to undo some of that damage. Try to be aware of the messages you may be unconsciously putting out there.

I think it helps to reinforce to her that all girls are different sizes, even sisters. Remind her that nobody should ever compare themselves to anybody else, and that you should always be the best YOU that you can be.

I realize how tall an order this is for a young girl constantly getting bombarded with media messages that rail-thin in the only way to be beautiful. And unfortunately it's only going to get worse as she enters her teens, as I'm sure you know. The best thing is to always boost her self esteem, SHOW her (don't just tell) how important you think personality, hard work ethic, and intelligence are versus just looking pretty. If she has a strong person in her life to show her what's really important, she'll be ok.

And yes to all the suggestions on getting her interested in sports, doing family physical activities, and healthy snacks.

kdwilcox1195

As a mom, I'd suggest changing what you buy at the grocery store. If there isn't junk food in the house, she can't eat it. I think she should start keeping a little notebook of everything she eats with the calories next to it. (you could do that part). You could also 'close' the kitchen after 8pm-no food is allowed to be taken from it, only drinks. That helped in my family a lot good luck!